My Other Favorite Movies

I list my favorite movies in my profile. However I must confess that that's my snob list, as those are the movies I'm willing to admit to watching. While I truly do love all of those movies and have and will watch them many more times, I admit there are certain movies that I will watch over and over again once I pop them in my DVD player. In some cases, I just let these play on repeat. In no particular order, these are:

"The 40-Year-Old Virgin"
"Beverly Hills Cop"
"Big Trouble in Little China"
"Black Hawk Down"
"Close Encounters of the Third Kind"
"definitely, maybe"
"The Fog"
"Forrest Gump"
"Heat"
"It's a Wonderful Life"
"The Lady Eve"
"The Last Unicorn"
"Macross: Ai Oboete Imasu Ka"
"My Fair Lady"
"The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!"
"Pineapple Express"
"The Rock"
"The Shop Around the Corner"
"Simply Irresistible"
"The Thing"
"This is Spinal Tap"
"Three Kings"
"When Harry Met Sally"
"You've Got Mail"

(I lied. I put them in alphabetical order.)

Shitty Movie Review - "The Killing of Satan"

It's been quite some time since I've seen any shitty movies. Good movies, yes, bad movies, most definitely. Some movies, like "The Dragon Lives Again" which I saw recently, were very entertaining and intentionally so, so I couldn't truly consider those shitty movies. However I have one for you today.

Much thanks goes to Everything is Terrible for continuing to be the curators par excellence for all things terrible, and for bringing "The Killing of Satan" to my attention. Trying to acquire a proper copy took quite some time, but eventually, through the power of Amazon, I was able to get it on DVD no less, so, you know, top notch quality.

Now, unlike some of the other shitty movies I have reviewed, "The Killing of Satan" does have a discernible story and plot. But before you fret that I am getting lax in my coverage of truly shitty movies, let me reveal that this movie was released in 1983 in the Philippines and was originally filmed in Tagalog. I watched the English language dub of course, because if I've learned anything about shitty movies, it's that one way to instantly bump it up to the next level is to re-dub it.

Now here's the short story. A small, deeply religious village is under attack from the Prince of Magic. When their priest and elder is struck down, they contact his nephew Lando San Miguel via, wait for it ... magic; because everyone knows that phone calls, letters, or even leaving your village to actually find a guy are far less reliable means. Somehow their message gets through and Lando shows up, but now must rescue his kidnapped daughter and cousin from the clutches of the Prince of Magic, and, ultimately, his master (Betcha can't guess who, but here's a hint: check out the movie title).

Pretty straight forward, it would seem. Except for all the MAGIC! Strange magic. Once Lando has reunited with the rotting corpse of his dead uncle, he is endowed with strange magical abilities, like elbow-generated force fields, super breath, and punching power that even Manny Pacquiao would envy. But the Prince of Magic is no slouch in his red tights—he commands an army of black-tights-wearing, telekinetic boxers and shape-shifting seductresses. And don't forget he's being backed by an even greater power (dammit, it's Satan okay). This isn't the hideous beast of Dante's Divine Comedy, no. He's more like ... Beck. The singer. Kind of small and wiry, with facial hair and horns and tights and a pitchfork. Eventually he morphs into a slightly better nourished version of himself, but the secret's already out.

Perhaps the best part of the film is the dubbing. For some reason, albeit a great one, the American distributor cast all but Lando's part with English-speaking Filipino actors, so that everyone save for Lando has accents. Lando's voice is sonorous and clear, and while he is the most understandable, he is also the most ridiculously out of place when it comes to speech. Combine that with the tritely rewritten dialogue, and you have a recipe for success.

There are plenty of other gems in the film, and while it does drag in a couple of spots, stick with it since the trippy-ness ramps up towards the end. I guarantee you some snake slapping, a mute boy, gun fights, lots of spinning, cheek ripping, and a cage stuffed with nearly-fully nude girls (they're wearing classy black ribbon chokers).

My shitty movie review: 8.5 turds out of 10. This movie is a headscratcher, since it's not necessarily poorly executed, but it's not well-made either. You get the feeling the creators met their intentions, and yet it comes off badly. Great if you're looking for a shitty movie.

Shitty Movie Review - "Runaway"

One has to wonder where Tom Selleck would be had he gotten to play the role of Indiana Jones in "Raiders of the Lost Ark." He was already a successful TV star with "Magnum, P.I." Did he ever really envision himself as Mr. Baseball? Or Quigley down under? Or Sgt. Jack Ramsay in the Michael Crichton's "Runaway?" No, surely he could not have foreseen himself as Sgt. Jack Ramsay, fighting copy machines, spider-bots, and a make-up-less Gene Simmons. But then again life has strange plans for us all.

"Runaway" is not a typical shitty movie—no, it is a thinking man's shitty movie. You don't have the usual abundance of poor direction, bad writing, or terrible acting—well, maybe the bad acting. But what you do have is an abundance of robots, and we can all agree that robots, no matter how cool they might seem in the beginning, ultimately suck. And these aren't even the OP robots like Chip or Vicki, or the hip robots like Johnny 5 or R.O.B. These are Michael Crichton's gritty, realistic 80's robots, the ones shaped like boxes and ... other boxes, with one, maaaybe two claw hands. Because Michael Crichton is all about the realizable future, wherein robots, the most effective and helpful ones, are basically mobile boxes with claws. And batshit crazy and destined to take over the world. That's where Tom Selleck comes in. He plays Sgt. Jack Ramsay, a good cop with one flaw—he's afraid of heights. But you know one thing he's not afraid of? Robots. That's why he's in the police runaway division, nobly chasing rogue robots.

Here's a sampling of some the many robots prominently featured in the film:
table robot
lamp lowering robot
farming robot
floater robot
stacking robot
housewife/telephone/receiver/stereo/jukebox/cook robot
security robot
sniffing robot
driving robot
exploding robot
spider robot

In Michael Crichton's future, robots have advanced to the point where most of them can do one thing, and can do it so well that that's their name. The lone exception is L.O.I.S. (I'm going to assume her name was an acronym since it was the 80's), Ramsay's home robot who apparently can do almost everything except hold a decent conversation. And yet she is amazingly a better actor than the one who played Ramsay's child.

Michael Crichton paints a grim future. I, for one, do not want to live in a world with signs such as the ones below posted around construction sites:

CAUTION ROBOT AND HUMAN WORK AREA
CAUTION ROBOTS NOT EQUIPPED WITH HUMAN SENSORS
ROBOT AREA PROCEED WITH CAUTION

First, I guess animals or plants aren't allowed in the robot and human work area. Second, why would you not equip construction robots with human sensors? If you can make them mobile and arm them with heavy machinery, why would you not give them sensors to detect humans, especially if they're going to be in close proximity? And third, does it even need mention that you should proceed with caution? I mean these are robots we're talking about. Despite all these signs, the construction workers seemed pretty nonchalant about the rogue robot chucking sandbags off the top of the building.

Aside from the robots, the main antagonist is none other than Gene f'ing Simmons of Kiss. Yeah, I hate his guts because of multiple personal run-ins, but that's besides the point. He's a dick. And in this movie, he coincidentally also plays a dick, and an evil one at that. You want a surprise? He's also a shitty actor. Oops, guess I gave that one away. Anyway, he has scientists build chips to reprogram robots to kill humans, as if they wouldn't have done that on their own. And he also uses the chips to control the missile guidance system of his tracking missile gun, the same gun you see Tom Selleck holding on the poster even though he never uses it in the movie. The rounds, or smart missiles, may be heat-seaking, highly-maneuverable, and explosive, but they're also only a tad bit faster than a running human. If only that one scientist had zigged instead of zagged.

And how does Tom Selleck fare through all this? He's Tom Selleck dammit, the man with the stache so powerful that women swoon. At one point he knocks a bunch of monitors onto the floor and beats a robot to death with a chair, WWF-style. He orders sushi from a neon sign. He gets called a wienerhead and doesn't even blink. He does the splits between two moving cars. He gets shot in the face with acid and goes out to dinner with the girl. And he gets her to cook. Tom Selleck, no matter what, will be fine. This movie only reinforces that. So what if he didn't get to be Indiana Jones? Did I just watch "Runaway" starring Harrison Ford? No, that's Tom Selleck dammit. Long live the stache.

My shitty movie review: 8 turds out of 10. This movie, while shitty, is simultaneously genuinely though-provoking and entertaining. I've never seen erector sets put to such good use. Plus it's got a young Kirstie Alley and she actually kind of looks good here. Still bitchy, but attractive.

Shitty Movie Review - "Dangerous Men"

I had high expectations for "Dangerous Men" at the onset of the Everything Is Festival. After all, the festival literature described it saying, "Forget Troll 2, forget the collective works of Ed Wood, forget The Visitor, forget Birdemic — Dangerous Men is THE holiest of all Holyfuckingshits." But after having seen "Ninja Annihilation War," the bar was just set too impossibly high, perhaps even too high for one of the "Ninja Annihilation War" ninja to jump. That's not to say "Dangerous Men" is a bad film—well, it is a bad film because that's what I watch, but it's not a bad bad film. I have to admit, my brain was pretty fried when I watched this. Four days of watching films and found footage not to mention the nuke of "Ninja Annihilation War" means that I'm pretty inured to a lot of things at the moment. If I had seen this before I watched "Ninja Annihilation War," I'm sure that I would have felt very strongly about this movie.

Again, how could I describe this film? Plot? I suppose it has one. Main character(s)? I guess? Perhaps it's best to use the presenter's own words. When he went to view this film in it's original theatrical run in all of 8 Southern California theaters in 2005 rented out by the producer/director/writer/editor/composer/set decorator/production designer/special thanks John S. Rad (full name Jahangir Salehi Yeganehrad), he asked the box office:

"How many people have seen this?"
"Mmmmflu."
"Two?"
"No, you."

Furthermore, he described the ending as containing characters in the movie who 45 minutes earlier had yet to appear in the movie.

The very good thing about this film was really how it induced a social atmosphere. People bond over this movie. The whole theater was clapping and singing along with the background music. Friendships were forged, and relationships cemented. That is the type of movie this is. Years from now people will remember it, fondly, and share their stories about having seen it. Aside from that, it is rather indescribable. Upon the final shot of the film, not a single person in the packed house could deny their euphoria.

So, instead of describing the movie, let me leave you with quotes from an interview with John S. Rad about the film:

"A friend of mine had a connection with someone who had a helicopter. So we fly everywhere. That’s why I located the best location which makes the viewer to feel good and enjoy…"

"Also the film has many layers that maybe people do not pick up right away when watching one time, that’s why they want to see the film again and again as each time enjoy it more than earlier time."

"In my opinion, when a film has been shot is not important. We have to see the quality of the film, how it is, what message it gives, what education we can receive, and if we have fun from it’s entertainmentship."

Rest in peace.

John S. Rad
1936-2007

My shitty movie review: 10 turds out of 10. "Dangerous Men" is truly deserving of 10 turds on the normalized scale. It should sit up there proudly alongside the likes of "The Wicker Man" and "Killdozer!"

Shitty Movie Review - "Ninja Annihilation War"

"He was a ninja. It was his destiny to die a ninja. So is yours."
-unnamed evil ninja

There comes a time in everyone's life where they receive their calling. I know that mine is to spread the word—the word about shitty movies. Well, I just received an even more specific calling tonight—to spread the word about "Ninja Annihilation War." Now I should preface this by saying that I have spent the past two nights and all day today watching some of the weirdest, most obscure films and found footage at the Everything Is Festival hosted by Cinefamily at the Silent Theatre. I have watched hours of Chinese wizard battles, CG hentai porn, and even a screening of "The Pelican Brief" with a new, alternative experimental soundtrack performed live. But nothing, nothing could have prepared me for "Ninja Annihilation War." The video excerpt looked promising, but I started to panic when the presenter hyped it up. He explained the background of this particular VHS cassette, that it was found at a flea market labeled only as "NAW." That it was made in the 1980s when the ninja boom was at its craziest. That it was produced and directed by the Fung (pronounced "fang") brothers using whatever Caucasian actors were available in China so as to push the films international appeal. He even described the actors as, if your mom had divorced and was dating a man who did cardboard recycling—and it was his friends that were in the movie. All of this sounded too good to be true.

I won't go over the plot, because I can't—there really isn't one. I could try and fudge my way through it, but then I would only have to ask myself again, was that really the case? Was that really what happened? So instead I present you with snapshots of the movie instead, which do absolutely no justice to this amazing, amazing masterpiece. Over the course of the movie, you'll get to meet several incredible characters—then promptly forget about them. If you thought Michael Bay had cornered the market on continuity errors or plot holes, then ninjacide yourself. He is merely a rank amateur compared to the Fung brothers. After all, the main character (if you could indeed call him that) has trouble deciding when he has mustache, and when he doesn't.

There were a lot of things I did not know about ninja before watching this movie, and even more things that I thought were true about ninja I learned were not true. Like that they are all Asian—all the best ninja are white. And that the Soviet Union often used ninja as messengers. And that ninja aren't real—they're actually myths. Did you also know that it's a ninja legend that when a sword comes on top of another sword and it's covered with a red sheet, that it is a ninja challenge to duel that cannot not be accepted. I didn't know that, but thanks to "Ninja Annihilation War," now I do.

There are a lot of ninja in this movie. You don't title a movie "Ninja Annihilation War" without showing a few ninja, and show ninja they did. All different ninja colors. The ninja-black garbed ninja are only the lowliest of ninja, as the top tier ninja sport different ninja-colored ninja uniforms, like ninja-gold, ninja-blue, ninja-red, ninja-white, or my ninja-favorite, ninja-tigerstripe. And just so that the audience can be certain of who is a ninja, they wear brightly colored ninja headbands that say "Ninja" on them, often with a little ninja silhouette breaking up the word into "Nin" and "ja." Plus many of them sport manly Selleckesque ninja mustaches. And that whole ninja-covering-up-the-face thing? Real ninja only do that when they ninja fight. Otherwise it's ninja time to let that ninja mustache ninja breathe.

There's one really special part, too, and you will not miss it, nor will you ever forget it. A Chinese man comes home to find his wife in the shower. She entices him to scrub her back, so without even taking off his suit he jumps into the shower and starts kissing and rubbing on her. Never once does he actually scrub her back. They take it directly from the shower to the bed where miraculously they're completely dry. Then you see his balls. Twice. The scene ends with the two, completely nude, positioning into a 69. Only one other time have I seen this sex act performed in a mainstream movie, and that was "A History of Violence." The one in "Ninja Annihilation War" wins.

Much like it's history, in many ways the movie is a series of mysteries. Where are they? Could be Japan, could be Hong Kong, I lost track. When are they? At last check it was 10 years later, even though everyone was younger. Who was Billy? Who was the guy that killed Billy? Why did the guy in the wheelchair bring both beer (two cans out of a six pack) and wine to the meeting? Why didn't they have the meeting somewhere paved? How come nobody noticed the drugs in the lunchbox covered in aluminum foil? Where did the main character's wife go? Did she ever finish making the drunken crab dish after the crabs attacked her and he threw a ninja dirk at them? Who was the man he was following that was also a ninja? Who were the Jared Leto lookalike and the other cop dude? Who was that ninja who ran up the mountain for five minutes and what did he mean when he got to the top and yelled, "NINJAAAAA!!!" Did the German gymnast ever hook up with a ninja mentor? Where did Rick go with his bald head and pink sleeveless turtleneck? How did that drug dealer fit all of those joints into his mouth without damaging the goods? Who were the man and woman who got their own car chases in the movie? What happened to that woman after she beat up all those guys then collapsed on the ground? Why was that sex scene in the movie? And where can I get a copy of this movie?

The answer to that last question is the only one I can answer definitively, and sadly that answer is nowhere. As far as anyone knows, only one copy of the film exists, and it lies in the protective hands of the Alamo Drafthouse. These guardians protect the sacred NAW VHS, transporting it to various film events for special viewings. In many ways, they are like the Knights Templar, protectors of a holy artifact. But at the same time, they are also like missionaries, purveyors of that holy artifact. And I am but a lowly disciple, spreading the word. But please, heed my word. For if you should ever come across the opportunity to watch this movie, do so without any hesitation or doubt. I cannot stress this enough. Knowing what I now know, I will forever be chasing this film. If it weren't for the fact that Mrs. Winterbottom was also there and had seen it with me, I would think that what I saw was but a myth. And it is indeed a myth, but a myth that is as true and real as you or me.

My shitty movie rating: 10 turds out of 10NAW. The NAW scale is a specialized scale. After viewing "Ninja Annihilation War" I realized that my scale was completely off. Since how could "Ninja Annihilation War" be a 10 if "Anaconda" was also a 10? Now "The Wicker Man" should be and is a 10. But it is also not a 10 as "Ninja Annihilation War" is a 10. Thus the NAW modifies the current scale and adjusts it. A normalized 10 would only be like an 8NAW on the NAW scale. A 10NAW would be something like a 20 on the normalized scale.

Shitty Movie Review - "Deadly Prey"

A few months ago, Everything Is Terrible! released a trash compactor (2 minutes of the best scenes) of the 1987 film "Deadly Prey," and it generated a buttload of interest from denizens of the interweb. Imagine if you made a copy of a copy of a copy of Rambo, but each time you kept injecting a healthy dose of steroids (I guess that's kind of what Rambo IV was like) and that is "Deadly Prey," only better! So after months of procrastinating, my friends and I decided to plunge into the world of mercenaries and manhunters running through the jungles of Southern California (Riverside to be more precise).

Now here's the good news—and there's only good news. As good as the trash compactor is, like all great shitty movies, "Deadly Prey" is so much greater than the parts of its sum. The plot basically covers a group of mercenaries that train in the jungle 75 miles southeast of Los Angeles by hunting people that they kidnap right off the streets. Because if you really want to know how best to prepare against trained fighters, it's best to first practice against couch potatoes and stay-at-home dads. Well, they get more than they bargained for when they drag in legendary Marine and Vietnam War veteran Mike Danton (Ted Prior, brother to director David A. Prior), the best soldier ever produced by the mercenary's head, Colonel John Hogan (David Campbell).

Over the course of days, Danton outwits, outruns, and outguns Hogan's men, all while clad in only only his tight-fitting cutoff denim shorts. It becomes a game of cat and mouse between the former teacher and student. At Hogan's side are the sadistic Lieutenant Thornton and bosomy Sybil. Not to be outdone, Danton has his buddy-turned-mercenary Jack Cooper (William Zipp) watching his back, while his father-in-law (Cameron Mitchell) is also on the search for him. What ensues are 88 minutes of the manliest jungle fighting known to, well, anybody. Rambo may have ripped out a guys throat and disintegrated people with machine guns, but I don't think he ever used a machete to cut off a guys arm and beat him to death with it.

As far as problems go, this film really has none that I can highlight here. Sure, it has the typical over-acting/bad acting, but it's all so good! The movie is all that it says it is or claims to be and then some. Watch the trash compactor but know that what you are watching is only the tip of the iceberg. This is a fine masterwork from the vault of shitty movies.

As an added bonus, the creators of "Deadly Prey" are hoping to make a sequel and need your help. They hope to raise $150,000 to start production on "Deadliest Prey," the direct sequel to "Deadly Prey." To pledge funding (and possibly star in the movie), visit their Kickstarter page.

My shitty movie rating: 10 turds out of 10. A forgotten classic.

Rigatoni with Shrimp and Mushroom in Vodka Tomato Cream Sauce

On of my coworkers had a pasta dish today that looked kind of like something that Bertolli would make. It looked good, but why settle for frozen pasta when I could cook something just as good? So I trekked over to the market to pick up some supplies. It's funny, I've never ordered a vodka tomato cream sauce pasta anywhere, nor have I had a pre-fab vodka tomato cream sauce, but I think I know how to make one.

The sauce came out thinner than I would have liked for the visual presentation, but it was still pretty delicious. It was milder and sweeter (as opposed to more savory) than a normal marinara. And best thing is I have two more meals worth to cover tomorrow's lunch and possibly Friday's. Yay!

Osso Buco

For Mothers' Day I made osso buco. I think I've only made this dish four other times in my life, but it's always good. It looks like a fancy restaurant meal, but it's not particularly difficult to make, although it is pricy and labor intensive.

For the sides I made risotto alla milanese and glazed carrots. The other four times I made this dish, these were probably the accompanying sides as they compliment the osso buco well.

I guess the dish is pretty impressive though, since most people don't eat veal shanks all the time.

Spaghetti Carbonara

I only make spaghetti carbonara about twice a year on account of it has all the things that contribute to heart failure and a shorter life (bacon, bacon drippings, heavy cream, cheese, egg yolks). I usually end up using bacon rather than pancetta because we always have bacon regularly available. I also prefer to add onions so that there is a little more texture.

Overall this is one of the lighter iterations of carbonara I've made. Normally it's very heavy, but this dish was deceptively lighter. It will still probably knock a year or two off my life, but those are the diaper years and I really don't need to be around for those.

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Blackened Catfish and Quinoa Pilaf with Pine Nuts

I wanted to eat either lamb chops or fish, and seeing how lamb is pricier than fish, I went with catfish. I usually fry catfish, but I wanted to go slightly healthier so instead I went with a Guy Fieri recipe for blackened catfish. To be honest, his was one of the first recipes that came up and I didn't feel like looking further. It was easy enough though with a blend of spices that I already had on hand.

Quinoa is super healthy for you, so I found another simple recipe that could accompany the fish. It wasn't unlike some of the rice pilafs I'd made in the past.

The fish wasn't bad, but it was too spicy. The heat didn't obliterate the taste, but it did make it difficult to find. Next time, I'd cut the cayenne down by half.

Surprisingly though, the whole meal came into its own when I took it for lunch two days later. The flavor in the catfish bloomed with the heat quotient dropping, and the pine nuts had found a way to better blend with the quinoa. It was actually a lot better two days after the fact.

Megasandwich

I didn't have a name for this, so I just used Megasandwich. I'll probably use that name a dozen more times in my lifetime to describe other sandwiches.

Following last week's Italian cold cut extravaganza, I thought I'd come up with something special based on my research. Behold, an Italian cold cut sandwich forged with the help of the Greek gods and Pavilions.

A quarter pound of provolone and nearly a half pound each of capicolla, sopressata, and mortadella on French bread. But lo, greater secrets lie hidden within its bowels—Italian stewed tomatoes on the lower bread loaf, olive oil & vinegar and salt & pepper on the upper loaf, golden pepperoncinis between. As a mere mortal, I could only consume a third of this mighty sandwich at any given time.

The stewed tomatoes lent a moisture and sweetness that gave way to the saltiness of the meats before being overcome with the tanginess of the vinegar and spiciness of the pepperoncinis. The flavor profile was like hitting a home run and rounding the bases, if first base was sweet, second base was salty, third base was sour, and home was spicy. Gone was the lettuce and sliced tomato that so often make eating an Italian sandwich an exercise in planning and engineering. Ousted was the less than puny roll or baguette foundation. Instead arise, Megasandwich!

Mathematically, Megasandwich=(capicolla+sopressata+mortadella+provolone)*2+(French bread/2+stewed tomatoes+(olive oil+vinegar)+(salt&pepper)+pepperoncini.

Tere's Mexican Grill

Originally I was going to try the Larchmont Bungalow on Larchmont Blvd, since I had heard from my mother that they serve Poutine (a Canadian treat). However upon checking out their menu, I learned that they serve their Poutine topped with shredded mozzarella. Now I'm not Canadian, but I do know this much about real Poutine—real Poutine is topped with cheese curds so fresh that they should squeak when you bite into them. So discouraged I decided to go elsewhere, although it's quite likely I'll go back to the Larchmont Bungalow some other time, just not for the Poutine.

My backup option was Tere's Mexican Grill on Melrose. I had read on Chowhound that they had really good nachos. I find nachos to be the best value on most Mexican menus since you get a usually get a good portion of meat, dairy, fruits, and vegetables all for a decent price.

I ordered the carne asada nachos which came served on a hot plate, a good indicator that the cheese was allowed to melt under the broiler. Now the various comments about Tere's had noted their fresh, homemade chips, double thick and lightly salted. The chips were indeed robust, and there was no mistaking these for an inferior, store-bought brand. They were topped with jalapenos, sour cream, fresh guacamole, fresh pico de gallo, shredded cheese, and beans. The overall portion was quite sizeable, and I would venture a guess that the whole plate weighed about a pound or so. Of course none of this would matter if the product itself wasn't tasty, which it quite favorably was. There's a strong sense of quality in the construction of these nachos. The chips stood out as did the cheese which was quite liberally layered on top. Overall, these were very good nachos.

I also ordered a pork taco on the side. Now the cashier specified that this was not carnitas, so if that's what you're looking for, you're going to be surprised. However that surprise would still be welcome, since this was the highlight of my meal. The pork comes as large chunks of what appeared to be either lean grilled or roasted pork, smothered in a chile verde (green chile). The chile is mild, but has a nice tanginess that pops in your mouth. I plan on having this again.

I liked that the place had a very casual, laid back atmosphere. There were only about 7 or 8 tables accompanied by a soda cooler, a tower of Mexican Cokes, and a soccer game on the TV. So many of the restaurants along Melrose tend to be fancy and overly pretentious as they seek out a bourgeois clientele looking for the next big thing. At Tere's they're really just trying to put out relatively simple food with just a little more care, and that's the type of place I'd want to eat at.

Some other interesting notes about Tere's Mexican Grill:
-While the nachos are good, I'll have to admit that I'm perfectly fine with Baja Fresh's nachos. They're probably about just as much quantity-wise and slightly cheaper, with just some minor drops in overall quality. But then again, this is coming from a guy who also enjoys Lucy's nachos which are little more than tortilla chips drenched in canned steak and red chili.

Tere's Mexican Grill
5870 Melrose Ave. #101
Los Angeles, CA 90038
(323) 468-9345

Celebrity Sightings - Tim Roth

To celebrate Sister C's birthday, we went to Houston's in Pasadena. While there, who do you think came up and sat in the booth behind us? Why, Mr. Orange himself, Tim Roth. Actually it was my sister who spotted him, and I confirmed after hearing his British accent. I tried to tell Brother G, and the whole time he thought I had said, "Kid Rock." To get a better glimpse, I casually made my way to the bathroom with the video screens in the urinals. He was there with a lady friend.

Afterwards my brother and I admitted that we both wished he had been Gary Oldman instead. That way we would have had a lot more to talk to him about. Things like, "I know who Batman is! It's millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne!" Or, "how can you be a crazy DEA agent and also be the commissioner of Gotham City?" Or "why did you have such weird hair and why were you so mean to Bruce Willis?" Or "who would win in a fight, Harry Potter or Batman?"

Whhhy? - Regulate

The hip-hop world lost one of its greatest contributors when Nate Dogg passed away on March 15, 2011. Originally partnered with Snoop Dogg and Warren G, he went on to collaborate with a number of artists and helped shape the music landscape with his deep vocal stylings. So it is only fitting that I break down one of his greatest hits performed along with Warren G, the seminal song, Regulate.

Let me start off by saying that this is one of my all-time favorite songs. I owned both the "Above the Rim" soundtrack and "Regulate ... G Funk Era" because of that song. That being said, why would Warren G and Nate Dogg want to rap about what happens in Regulate?

First of all the song opens with a sound bite taken from "The Untouchables" television show explaining what a regulator is: someone who takes care of his property and is handy with a gun. And the song does in fact reinforce this idea, but meanders around this point rather than focusing in on it.

Warren G is just chilling by himself, looking for some girls. But Mr. Nate Dogg is determined to find Warren G. The priorities here seem muddled, but get even more so when Warren G is quickly distracted and decides to join in on a corner craps game which already sounds like a bad idea. Surprise, surprise, instead of letting him in on the game, the brothas decided to rob him at gun point, to which Warren G points out the obvious: "I'm stuck." They start shaking him down and taking all his bling, including his Rolex. (Now why would you pull up to a street game with a Rolex unless you wanted to get jacked?)

Meanwhile, Nate Dogg, so dogged in his quest to locate his fellow rapper Warren G, has to fight the urge to pick up on some girls that pass him by. He does so successfully, turning his attention back to Warren G just in time to see him getting held up. With his sidearm, Nate Dogg subdues, or "regulates," Warren G's robbers. Then, quite generously he mentions that both he and Warren G "had to regulate."

Obviously Nate Dogg is devoted to his friend, for how else could you explain his focus in not chasing after the girls, not getting sucked into other local betting games, locating and rescuing his friend, and giving him credit for helping to regulate the busters? If anybody did any regulating that night, it was clearly Nate Dogg and Nate Dogg alone. Warren G spends most of his time rapping about how pathetic his situation is and how quickly everything devolves. Furthermore even after the fact, he continues to dwell on it, bringing it up later in the song ("Before I got jacked I was on the same track"). He doesn't know when to leave well enough alone.

The second act so to speak sees Warren G and Nate Dogg turning there attentions back towards the honeys. From this point on, the song really has nothing to do about regulating. And if you pay close attention, it's really Nate Dogg who picks up the chicks and not Warren G. Warren G acknowledges that "Nate got the freaks," and it's Nate Dogg who says "I got a car full of girls and it's going real swell," not "we got a car." It sounds like Warren G is just along for the ride at this point.

The third and final act of the song has Warren G and Nate Dogg waxing philosophical. Warren G breaks down the meaning of G Funk and from whence it derives. The "rhythm is the base and the base is the treble" is some deep, impenetrable stuff. Not to be outdone, Nate Dogg starts going off on some esoteric shit about G Funk (If you know like I know/You don't want to step to this/It's the G Funk era/Funked out with a gangsta twist"), then quickly shifts back towards reality ("If you smoke like I smoke/Then you high like everyday"). The song concludes that "if your ass is a buster/213 will regulate." However if this song is any indication, only one of two people will regulate a buster, and sadly that man has departed. Rest in peace, Nate Dogg, it seems the streets of the LBC will be a little more crowded with busters from now on.

And so I ask why, Regulate? Whhhy!

Sorrento Italian Market

In my quest for Italian cold cut sandwiches, I learned about Sorrento Italian Market from L.A.'s Chowhound boards. I used to pass it all the time when I worked in West L.A. I like small delicatessens and markets like these. They have a local neighborhood feel that is sometimes hard to find in a big city.

The sandwich that I get here has mortadella, cotto salami, cappicola, provolone, lettuce, mayonnaise, mustard, and their special ingredient, stewed tomatoes. I'm still not sure what it's called, since today when I asked the man behind the counter for "that sandwich that has Italian cold cuts and stewed tomatoes," he replied the "three meat combo with mustard and mayo?" I don't think that's the actual name, but more of an expanded description of what's in the sandwich. Whatever it is, it's good.

Compared to the Original Rinaldi's which I had earlier in the day, this sandwich had a fresher taste which is difficult to describe. Perhaps it was the mustard and mayonnaise that made the difference. Because of the combination of meats, this sandwich has a more rounded quality to the flavor, as the mortadella is milder and fattier than the salami, while the cappicola isn't as salty and is spicier than the other two meats. But the key ingredient in the sandwich is really the stewed tomatoes. The stewed tomatoes make the sandwich moister as well as easier to consume, and because they are sweeter and less bitter than raw tomatoes they further add to the flavor mix.

The sandwich is pretty substantial, but what puts it over the top is it's price: about $4. It's too bad that it's out of the way for me now and doesn't have ample parking, as I could see myself going there more often. I would also learn the actual name of the sandwich if that were the case.

Some other interesting notes about Sorrento Italian Market:
-2 out of 7 on my mess-o-meter. This sandwich is surprisingly self-contained. I suppose that is owing to it's excellent construction which prevents spillage and meat overflow.
-Currrently ranked #6 on my Italian cold cut sandwich list.

Sorrento Italian Market
5518 Sepulveda Blvd.
Culver City, CA 90230
(310) 391-7654

The Original Rinaldi's: Part 2

This is a quick follow up to my original review to the Original Rinaldi's.

After my first time going to the Original Rinaldi's I wanted to try it again, so on my way to Gardena I made a quick stop in El Segundo.



This time I ordered the USC Trojan, prosciutto, salami, pepperoni, oil & vinegar, lettuce tomato, Italian dressing, and provolone (I didn't get the UCLA Bruin because I don't like ham and roast turkey as much as Italian cold cuts). This sandwich was like a dry, salty, meat bomb. In contrast to the Italian combo which was a little more rounded flavor-wise, the Trojan was very focused as all of the meats were somewhat similar. Again it was very meaty which almost necessitated that it be eaten open-faced.

Between the Trojan and the Italian combo, which would I pick? Well, that's a difficult decision, since both were good, and both were a little different. If I don't order the Godfather next time, I'll probably have to flip a coin.

Inconsequential Time Travel Addendum - Consequential Time Travel

It has been brought to my attention that my presence at some of the events I listed might be a little more than inconsequential. I suppose trading pornography could have serious repercussions, but when you consider the taboo around such things, it's unlikely anybody would dare break the obscenity laws of the time by willingly going to the authorities to present it as evidence of a time traveler from the future. And were I at a Greek orgy I know the appearance of a clothed, Asian male would be jarring, but I think they would have more urgent matters to mind. But riding on the back of a triceratops? What harm could that do?

So I now present a list of things I would do with a time machine that would be more consequential:

- I would go back in time to tell myself not buy this or that thing of which there are too many instances to list.
- I would go back in time to tell myself not to order this/order that instead of which again there are too many instances to list.
- I would go back in time and tell John Delorean that he must insist on sticking with the 6-cylinder engine rather than going with the weaker and more compact 4-cylinder. And also that he should lay off of the cocaine. Who knows, maybe Doc Brown wouldn't have to wait to accelerate to 88 mph.
- I would murder George Lucas around 1994. Ditto for Harrison Ford in 2004.
- I would tell Woodrow Wilson he needs to calm down and rest a little bit.
- I would suggest Captain Smith of the R.M.S. Titanic that maybe it would be a good idea for the ice breaker to come around, thus avoiding a little film that appeared in 1997.
- I would stop Sirhan Sirhan from shooting Bobby Kennedy. I would not stop Lee Harvey Oswald though.
- I would tell myself not to chug that 2 liter of Hawaiian Punch right before watching "Pineapple Express."
- I would refuse to go to watch "The Englishman Who Came Up a Hill and Went Down a Mountain" with my family.
- I would tell Don Simpson that he must for the sake of future movie goers and television watchers lay off of the drugs and prostitutes since somebody needs to balance out Jerry Bruckheimer. Then I will list off all the movies and TV shows that Bruckheimer has produced since. I'm pretty sure that would sober him up some.
- I would tell M. Night Shyamalan after "Unbreakable" that he should quit while he was at the top of his game. On second thought, I would wait until after "The Happening."
- I would invest in the Asylum.

The Pitch - "Future Porn"

This title is a bit misleading since it has nothing to do with the adult entertainment in the future. Rather it's a short story concept about pornography and how it's evolved over time.

The basic premise is this: a man develops a time machine so that he can go back into the past and collect Tijuana Bibles. For those who don't know, Tijuana Bibles were pornographic comic books produced from the '20s through the '60s. But since currency has changed over time, he takes with him the only currency he knows that would have fair trade value: pornography. But since computers, DVD players, and VCRs don't exist in the past, he only takes print material, mainly dirty magazines. He expects people of the past to be appalled by modern day pornography, but is equally surprised at how skewed sexual morays were in the past as perceived by the present. Some of the items he trades for turn out to be quite graphic, whereas the most significant claims to his magazines are that they exhibit greater photographic fidelity and that the women have less hair. In the end he returns to the present with his collection of Tijuana Bibles and destroys the time machine so that it cannot be misused for more dubious acts.

I find writing about the story is far more fun that actually writing the story, although that still stands as a possibility. This is probably because it falls in line with my dreams of inconsequential time travel. If I could time travel, there are number of things I would like to do that don't stand to impact the flow of history at all. These are:

- Buy a pair of every single Air Jordan from the AJI to the AJXIV when it was originally released.
- Watch Napoleon's men use the Sphinx's nose for target practice.
- See the roof blow off of the Parthenon.
- Watch the 70th Academy Awards on TV.
- Catch the original airing of the last episode of "St. Elsewhere"
- Videotape Michael Jordan's first retirement ceremony.
- Watch the 1961 Rose Bowl game live from the Golden Gophers' side.
- Stand on line for the premier of "Star Wars."
- Watch that infamous performance of a local Peter Pan production as recounted on "This American Life."
- Eat at McDonald's in the '50s.
- Eat Ortolan before they became protected.
- Check out a Greek orgy.
- Ghost watch.
- Drink a Coca-Cola in the early 20th century.
- Ride a dinosaur.
- Ride a zeppelin.

So yes, maybe I would like to go back into the past to trade porn for porn. There could be worse things a person could do with a time machine.

If I Won the Lottery

My family was watching an old episode of "Castle" wherein the question of what would you do if you won the lottery was posed to every character in the show.

Here was my verbatim answer:

"I would pay off my debt and hire a financial planner. Put a large chunk into savings, invest the rest. Take a small part of it to live off of. Move out into an apartment. Maybe buy a new TV. What do I need with like a hundred cars, I can only drive one at a time. Quit my job and take some time looking for one I really want, or a part-time job. Buy some construction paper. Stock my refrigerator with soda."

That, in a nutshell, is exactly what I would do if I won the lottery, whether it be $100,000 or $100,000,000 dollars. And for the record, it would be a 3-D TV. Probably a Sony.

Shitty Movie Review - "When in Rome"

Sometimes you see a trailer and you just know that the film is going to be awful, and then you can't wait for it to come to Netflix. "When in Rome" is that film. I knew from the moment that a comically-wigged Will Arnett was pictured in front of an obvious bluescreen mural that I would have to see this film. It had me at wiggy Will and bluescreen.

From the very opening seconds the caliber of "When in Rome" is quite clear. Stilted dialog, forced situations, predictable, overly-long jokes, bizarre casting, and poorly executed and unnecessary CG sequences overload the film. Despite all that it is very much a modern day slapstick film a la the Marx Bros. or Three Stooges, except that it's a romantic comedy and technically not good. Much of the film feels like it was designed as a joke on the viewer. But I for one relished the joke.

Without saying why they are in the film, I just want to rattle off some of the better known actors and personalities who contributed to the film: Kristin Bell, Josh Duhamel, Will Arnett, Dax Shepard, Dan Heder, Danny Devito, Anjelica Huston, Don Johnson, Alexis Dziena, Ghostface Killah, Lawrence Taylor, Shaquille O'Neal, and David Lee. This is a remarkable and eclectic cast that never in a million years would anyone have predicted would all be appearing in a film together. The seemingly random appearances by some of these people throughout the movie had me jumping out of my chair with my fists raised in the air—"Why, why are you, [insert actor's name here], in this movie?" As magic is one of the major plot devices in this movie, so too did it feel as though everyone involved had been enchanted and forced into participating in something that subconsciously everyone knew must have been wrong.

I must admit that I'm a bit torn over some of the gags. For the most part they are horrible. But at the same time I was laughing out loud at them, so I am uncertain whether the film can be considered genuinely funny at times or merely funny-but-not-really-in-the-way-it-was-intended-to-be-funny funny. You can pretty much spot the oncoming jokes from a mile away as they race towards the present a horse and buggy version of Doc Brown's Delorean. Watch any slapstick movie from the '30s or '40s and chances are that one of those jokes are in this movie, only dragged out even longer for maximum pain. One sequence features a vase that Kristin Bell's character is supposed to break, only it won't. Instead it bounces around oblivious to the rules of physics, smashing other objects and injuring people in the process. Now this has been done before, and it wouldn't even be that awful if it didn't feel like an eternity before the scene ends. As if that wasn't bad enough, the makers of this film thought that if a joke is good once, then clearly it should be good for two or more times. And in a way, they're right—the same joke twice is bad, the same joke three times is laughably bad.

Perhaps the ending credit sequence best symbolizes the movie overall. It features all of the principle characters dancing in front of a bluescreen with a poorly represented Rome as the backdrop. With the exception of Rome in the background and the actors from the movie, this sequence has nothing to do with anything else in the film. Perhaps it was fun for everyone involved in the making of the film, so maybe the viewer can take solace in knowing that someone derived some inkling of enjoyment from this film. That being said though, I did enjoy this film in all its shitty glory such that while I typically take notes while I watch a film, I enjoyed this one so thoroughly that I had trouble tearing my eyes and ears away for the most part. It is crap, but pure grade A crap.

My shitty movie rating: 9 out of 10 turds. This is a modern day shitty classic.

Cobb Salad

Cobb salad probably ranks as my third favorite salad behind Caesar and Chinese chicken. I've been wanting to make a Cobb salad for the past three weeks but just haven't been able to do it. But today I had the time and was able to get all of the ingredients.

My salad included all of the requisites: lettuce, watercress, tomato, avocado, hard-boiled egg, Roquefort cheese, chicken breast, bacon, and a red wine vinaigrette. Traditional Cobb salad doesn't have ham, but I included it since that's how some restaurants serve it. I still included the bacon though because, well, it's bacon.

It's not the best Cobb salad I've had, but it was good, and very filling. I'll probably still prefer to make Caesar salads, but every once in a while a break is nice.

Cage Watch

Cage Movie #53: Vampire's Kiss

Whhhy? - Far East Movement

Now I know this article is going to make me seem really old, but that's one of the risks I take as a blogger.

Far East Movement currently has a Top Ten Hit with their new single Rocketeer, which follows on the heels of their previous hit, Like a G6. And while the song is catchy, it makes my brain want to climb out through my ass. Far East Movement does a good job of producing music, but they're shit when it comes to lyrics. Now the lyrics make sense ... sort of. But first we should maybe take a quick look at Like a G6.

Now I like that song. It's got a very catchy tune that reminds me of Debbie Deb's Lookout Weekend (First instance of dating myself). And here's hook:

Poppin' bottles in the ice, like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right gettin' slizzard
Sippin' sizzurp in my ride, in my ride like three six
Now I'm feelin' so fly like a G6

I have to admit I had to use Urban Dictionary to decipher some of those lines (Second instance of dating myself). Apparently a couple of the terms are from the dirty South which is only slowly making it's way westward (or at least that's what my age would have me believe). However the gist of it should be clear to anyone who's been young once. Essentially she is saying that when they drink they get so plastered they're feeling good. But there's a lot of negative notions being condoned here. Drinking isn't necessarily bad, and getting drunk isn't necessarily bad. However sizzurp is a drink that blends cough syrup, specifically the type with codeine, with a Jolly Rancher, and any fruit-flavored soda, so it's not exactly Kosher. Furthermore, drinking it while driving (because presumably she is driving her ride, or car for even older folks out there) is highly illegal. Although it's a well packaged song, I wish the lyrics were a little more socially responsible.

So what about Rocketeer? Well here the lyrics are just lame:

Where we at, only few have known
Go on the next level, Super Mario
I hope this works out, Cardio
'Til then let's fly, Geronimo

Say what? I guess you shouldn't expect a whole lot from a love song that references "Back to the Future" (which is a great movie by the way, just not in a romantic song) in the first verse. So word association here, I get it. "Go on the next level" like in the videogame "Super Mario Bros." Again, perhaps not the most romantic thing to say when you're trying to pick up a girl. But at least it's not the origin of Pac-Man as Puck-Man. "Cardio," because you're working out. Oh, that's right, you "hope" it "works out," so not exactly the same connotation because of the context. Then "Geronimo," because you're going to fly. If I remember correctly, you only invoke "Geronimo" when you're jumping out of a plane, so not exactly flying, more like falling.

In any case, how could I—or any slightly intelligent girl—take this song plea seriously? Well, I guess there are a lot of stupid people out there. So I ask why, Far East Movement? Whhhy?!

Sam Rockwell Dance

When I saw "Moon" over a year ago, I was very impressed by what I thought was the best sci-fi movie of the year (Sorry "Star Trek" and "District 9"). I enjoyed it even more than "The Hurt Locker" which I watched later that day. "Moon" is an excellent, beautifully designed movie that flew under most people's radar. But if there were one scene that elevated it to heights of awesome, it was Sam Rockwell's dance scene:
[Ed. Note: The video contains a spoiler for those of you who haven't seen the movie, but then again watching the video may entice you to watch the movie if you haven't already.]

Within that one scene, Sam Rockwell is able to combine comedy, obstinance, and sassy jack-assery all in one. It makes the movie totally worth watching. So imagine my surprise and delight when he showed up on stage in "Iron Man 2":

The man is a dancing machine! I later found out he also dances in "Charlie's Angels." If only he danced in every one of his movies, I would then watch every one of those movies. (Despite the lack of dancing I still watched "G-Force," excellent, and "Matchstick Men," also excellent.) So here's one last video of Sam Rockwell gettin' his groove on until the next movie boogie.

The Original Rinaldi's

In my ongoing quest to find a suitable replacement for Hoagie Hut and their Godfather sandwich, I took a trip out to El Segundo's the Original Rinaldi's. However a little bit of background on Hoagie Hut might be in order first.

Hoagie Hut was a small sandwich shop on 3rd Street right across from the Beverly Connection. The owner was a real character who used to call everyone "Tiger" or "Babe" regardless of gender. He reminded me of Sal from "Do the Right Thing." From what I understand, he and his wife used to own one of the first strip clubs in L.A. with a mirrored ceiling or runway. I used to go there almost every week to get a jumbo Godfather (thick-sliced mortadella, cotto salami, provolone, lettuce, tomato, and Italian dressing for only $5.40), a bag of chips, and a Yoohoo. Before that, my grandparents used to go there when the restaurant was only half the size. The owner sold the restaurant about seven years ago, and since then it's changed hands and cuisines a couple more times. I have yet to find an Italian cold cut sandwich that fills the hole in my heart and my stomach.

So I must admit I didn't have high hopes for the Original Rinaldi's. The staff behind the counter was primarily Asian which is not who I think of when I think "sandwich shop." I ended up ordering an Italian combo which consisted of thick-sliced pepperoni, salami, cappy (cappicola), oil & vinegar, lettuce, tomato, and provolone. Incidentally the Original Rinaldi's features a Godfather sandwich, but it's made with salami, cappy, pepperoni, steak, bacon, mayo, lettuce, tomato, and provolone cheese and it's served hot. I might have to try that next time. There was no yoohoo so I just had an iced tea.

When the sandwich arrived, it was quite sizable. The large is a 10" sandwich versus the regular 6". It's not much for presentation, but once I tucked the meat in, it was far from being a slouch. I've never been particularly fond of cappicola, but I've found myself enjoying it more and more lately. The Italian combo was deceptively filling, due to its limited but very thickly sliced meats. They use Boar's Head so taste-wise it's not a whole lot different. It's pretty hard to make a really distinguishable Italian sub. The olive oil & vinegar was a nice touch and better than at most other places. All in all, I ended up being pleasantly surprised despite my first impressions.

So the Original Rinaldi's probably won't replace Hoagie Hut (and neither will you delicious Bay Cities), but it has a quality Italian cold cut sandwich that I wouldn't mind returning to.

Some other interesting notes about the Original Rinaldi's:
- 4 out of 7 on my mess-o-meter. If you tuck the meat in right at the beginning, you'll avoid a lot of the mess later. Some salad might fall out, but overall you shouldn't require a great deal of napkins. It also helps to have big hands and a big mouth.
- I really should have taken advantage of their abundance of potato chips, but since I was in a bit of a rush, I just stuck to the sandwich. But that doesn't mean you have to.
- If I had to rank Italian cold cuts thus far: Hoagie Hut's Godfather, Central Grocery's Muffelata, Original Rinaldi's Italian Combo, Philly's Best's Italian Hoagie, Bay Cities Deli's Sopressata, Sorrento Italian Market's Cold Combo Sandwich, Which Wich's Italian Grinder, Bay Cities Deli's Godmother, Togo's Italian Cold Cut #16, Quizno's Classic Italian, Subway's Italian B.M.T., Subway's Spicy Italian.

The Original Rinaldi's
323 Main Street
El Segundo, CA 90245
(310) 647-2860

Tripas Tacos

There's a Mexican restaurant near Decepticon Sky Commander A's place that serves up tacos outside once the sun goes down. They have these really good tripas tacos that I wanted to figure out how to make at home. I asked my barber ("hair stylist" would be the more appropriate term except that I don't exhibit any sort of style with my hair) whose from Mexico whether he'd made tripas before and he laid out a very simple recipe for making tacos similar to the ones I've had at the restaurant. Last week's tripas rice burger was part of that experiment which was fully realized today.

I bought about 3 pounds of beef intestine from the Korean market which took about an hour to clean, then two hours to boil, after which I was left with less than 30% volume of what I had purchased. I made fresh pico de gallo which I used to top the grilled tripas morsels. The result was a tripas taco (or five to be more exact) that was comparable to the one at the restaurant. The intestines came out crisp yet tender, and the pico was refreshing with a slight hint of spiciness.

The main drawback would have to be labor and cost, as it cost about $12 for the raw ingredients, while it would only cost $7.50 for five of the restaurant's tacos. Perhaps if I bought more volume, I could get the cost per taco down, but then what to do about the labor?

Shitty Movie Review - "Fire Birds"

Yesterday inspired a lot of things, like more specialty rice burgers. But it also inspired me to watch my 52nd Nicolas Cage movie that I had been sitting on for over six months.

You know, you just know a movie is going to be quality when it starts off with a quote from George H.W. Bush. To describe "Fire Birds" accurately, I would say that it is like "Top Gun," but instead of F-14 Tomcat fighter jets, you have AH-64 Apache helicopters, and instead of fighting the Soviets, the U.S. is fighting drug cartels, and instead of the U.S. Navy, it's D.E.A., and instead of several MiGs, it's one chopper (and a couple of crappy Saab 35 Draakens), and instead of being good, it's kind of not. Only kind of because, well, it's a Nic Cage movie. And a Tommy Lee Jones movie. And a Sean Penn movie. That, in a nutshell, is the essence of "Fire Birds" Plus there are a lot more flight simulators. And there's a scene where Nicolas Cage drives around in a jeep with panties over his eyes.

In order to top the drama of "Top Gun," Director David Green got his actors to emote by having them open there eyes wide, right before they get hit by a missile. Prior to that the actors acted as though they were told to imagine themselves as the other other right fielder in a little league game where none of the kids can hit beyond second base. I'm pretty sure the direction was something like, "Be bored, be bored, be bored ... Now missile's about to hit, open those eyes wide! WIDE!!!" Even Nicolas Cage got the same direction.

Regarding the flight sequences, they were exciting, but they got me believing the Apache could pretty much fly through the eye of the needle backwards if it wanted to. If you thought those Tomcats were agile, check out the Apache. The editing makes the thing look like a freaking hummingbird on steroids. Flippies, loop-de-loops, Pugachev's Cobra, these things could do it all. They even take out a jet with rockets—not missiles—rockets. Granted, that jet pilot was pretty dumb, but still. The second jet got shot down by Sean Young who, under the instruction of Tommy Lee Jones, pulled a Stinger missile off the downed Apache, loaded it into a shoulder-launched system, and took it out.

I have to recognize Tommy Lee Jones for his performance. No one plays curmudgeonly like Jones. He also got the best minute of dialog with about four breaths in between. Here's the script excerpt, with Tommy Lee Jones as Brad Little and Nicolas Cage as Jake Preston.

BRAD LITTLE
It's beautiful in an ugly kind of way somebody called it a flying race car with guns but that's bullshit it's not that simple. Here. Put your hands here, here and there, put your feet here, here, here, and here, and here, do not step here (breath) or there.
(Seven second pause with a breath)
That's it, crawl right on in there, lad. Riding in the gunner's seat of this aircraft at a 150 knots through the treetops is like having your ass strapped to the nose of a bullet.
(Breath)
Basically you will be flying like a bat out of Hell, you will be shooting at the enemy, you will be jinking around, dodging bullets, and missiles, and rocks, and arrows, and spears, and ducks, and geese.
(Breath)

JAKE PRESTON
Sounds like a full time job.

BRAD LITTLE
Boy you will be busier than a three-peckered goat.

Sadly that's the peak of the dialog, and it never got better than that, but what a doozy. I was breathless just from listening to it. Well, that's not entirely true. There was the one line where Nicolas Cage's character says, "I'm gonna kill him now!" Why thank you, thank you Nicolas Cage for letting me know what you were going to do right before you did it. I really need the warning.

The one real standout Nicolas Cage scene, though, had him in a large helicopter simulator playing a game that was essentially Virtua Chopper. He was only piloting the thing mind you, so the gunner was the one actually shooting things down. For thirty seconds of this scene, Nicolas Cage yelled "I am the greatest!" over and over and louder and louder until his lungs gave out. But really, how could anybody deny the truth?

And to end on one final note for both Mrs. Winterbottom and Decepticon Sky Commander A, the answer is yes, Nicolas Cage does kick the air. He kicks it hard.

My shitty movie rating: 7.5 turds out of 10. Quite respectable and worth a look, especially if you enjoyed "Top Gun" but despised the smart dialog and homoerotic undertones.

Rice Burgerstravaganza

I have to be honest and admit I've been somewhat uninspired lately when it's come to food. Aside from my multiple ventures into tripe territory, there hasn't been a whole lot I've wanted to eat. That was until yesterday. I had just watched Nicolas Cage's latest magnum opus, "Drive Angry," with friends MacDoggle, Mrs. Winterbottom, Decepticon Sky Commander A (formerly just A), and Lady Bubbleford (formerly unmentioned but now she has a nickname that I assigned to her, yay!). We were hungry, so we headed over to Furaibo as it was one of the few nearby places still open that wasn't named Cinco de Mayo.

Furaibo is known for their tebasaki (wings), which was one of the things I ordered. But Mrs. Winterbottom also ordered buta kakuni. I had forgotten how juicy, how supple, how utterly fatty pork belly could be. Thus the wheels began to turn.

I hadn't made rice burgers in a while, and I quickly conceived of a Japanese-style pulled pork sandwich (Korean and Mexican isn't the only fast food fusion in town). Buta kakuni is always a laborious affair, taking hours of both prep and cooking time. Five hours later I had about five pounds of tender, trembling buta kakuni. I made the rice patties out of a 50/50 combination of white rice and haiga, so that way it would be slightly healthier. To top of the "burger," I made a quick cabbage slaw with steamed sliced cabbage and a sweet soy sauce dressing.

And since I still hadn't kicked my tripe craving (hell, I had Chinese fried pork intestines on Friday), I made a tripas rice burger with some beef intestine I picked up at the Korean market. The intestines themselves took several hours of prep.

Finishing out the trio was the gyutan rice burger I had devised previously.

Overall the meal was a success. The buta kakuni rice burger was excellent, but then again it's hard to deny the fatty, flavor juggernaut that is buta kakuni. The tripas rice burger turned out surprisingly well, with a texture not unlike squid, and a flavor close to a gizzard. The tongue was a little tough, perhaps because I had quick thawed it. I can't really complain when there was buta kakuni available. Maybe some day I'll open up a food truck so people can try these wonderful treats!

Cage Watch

Cage Movie #52: Fire Birds

Cage Watch

Cage Movie #51: Drive Angry

Celebrity Sightings - Snooki

It depresses me very much to say this, but yesterday I saw Snooki from MTV's "Jersey Shore." She was signing autographs in the booth across from ours. No pictures because I wouldn't do you like that. This is a major downgrade from Sasha Vujacic ("the Douche") whom I saw at the last show and whom I also hate.

Snooki is very small, so much so that her standee, which is not that big, is still taller than her. She also has no waist—it's like legs, hips, chest, head. She really does look like an Oompa-Loompa, minus the green hair.

However from talking to the owners of the company for whom she's a spokesperson, she's very quiet and nice. They had dinner at her suite at the Palms, and went with her to the Playboy Club. She was always surrounded by security.

While I think that "Jersey Shore" is some of the worst of what America has to offer the world, it's all a part of what makes America great. If a small, orange girl can get famous for making a fool out of herself, then anyone should be able to make it with a little bit of luck and determination, and I definitely can't sweat her for milking her 15 minutes. You have to get while the gettin's good.

Tripe and Risotto Sticks

I've had an intense yen for tripe ever since I visited my friends and was only able to get un taco de tripas (I was planning to get four). So while I was at the market last week buying ingredients for dinner for Sunday, I picked up some tripe. It takes several hours to boil until the tripe is tender, so I didn't end up eating until 10pm (after pre-dinner Italian sausage sandwiches). I wasn't satisfied, so today I picked up about five pounds of tripe.

Again, it took several hours to boil, so I did't eat until 11pm, but I had a tripe feast. I found the recipe I made today on youtube, posted by user ryanakarcher.



It was very easy to make and delicious. The dish comes out a little salty, a little tangy, and refereshing. On the side I made risotto sticks which I was testing out for a dinner party tomorrow night. They turned out pretty good, very crunchy, so I plan to bring them tomorrow.

I still haven't satisfied my tripe craving, so there might be additional tripe meals in coming weeks.

Celebrity Sightings - Denzel Washington

When I was attending UCLA, I used to count the dozens of Ferraris, Masseratis, Lotuses (or is that Loti?), and Lamborghinis that used to pass by while I waited for the bus, and I thought to myself that the majority of people in the US let alone the world probably won’t see any of these exotic cars up close in their entire lives. I understand that in many ways I live a privileged life, even though I might take it for granted. So I pass along my celebrity sightings which may in many ways make me seem jaded or indifferent, but I feel as though helps to put perspective the cult of celebrity since celebrities are people, too, and have their own lives to live. They just do so under a slight bit more public scrutiny.

This past Tuesday night, I had a dinner meeting at the Polo Lounge in the posh Beverly Hills Hotel, so I was on the lookout for celebrities. When we walked into the restaurant, I spotted perhaps the biggest star I’ve ever seen doing one of the most normal things you could imagine. Denzel Washington was sitting in a booth having what I assume was a pleasant dinner and conversation. Not particularly exciting at all, and yet many people would be excited to have had the experience.

Now compare that to the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” whom one of my dinner mates commented were sitting behind us outside on the patio. Nowadays anybody can become a celebrity by virtue of having the camera placed on you for any number of minutes regardless of whether any talent is involved. They were celebrating a birthday and were engaged in very boisterous discourse with a good deal of candor and swearing. Between the Denzel and the Real Housewives, the Real Housewives present a more entertaining experience, whereas Denzel was perhaps a bigger story. Either way, I got to enjoy a very delicious meal (unfortunately no pics because it was a business dinner) and went home a little fatter that night.

Pork Paillard With Mushroom Gravy

I wanted to make something like veal scallopini, but not with veal since it's expensive. So instead I got some boneless, thinly-sliced pork loin at the market which I paillarded to make even flatter. Since I didn't want the sourness of a piccata, I made a gravy instead, with some mushrooms added. It's really easy to make a brown sauce, since all you have to do is make a rue and deglaze the pan you cooked the meat in with chicken broth, then reduce.

For the sides I made Italian-style sauteed carrots and egg noodles. Coordinating the meal took some effort, but I think it turned out well.

Tom Yum Goong

Tom yum goong is my favorite soup, followed by, and in no particular order: French onion, Chinese hot and sour, lobster bisque, and menudo. It’s hot, it’s salty, it’s sweet, it’s sour—it truly is a mélange of flavors. And it’s also surprisingly simple to make, as long as you can obtain the ingredients.

Tom yum goong requires a very short albeit unique shopping list:
shrimp
limes
straw mushrooms
cilantro
fish sauce
galangal
kaffir lime leaves
lemon grass
nam prik pao (roasted chili paste)
Serrano chilis (optional)

You’ll probably have to go to a Thai market to get the galangal, kaffir lime leaves, and nam prik pao, but you should be able to find everything else at a Chinese market, or even a well-stocked super market. Ginger can be substituted for the galangal, but it’s not quite the same. Omission of any one of the ingredients can change the flavor of the soup tremendously, although not detrimentally.

Start with a pot of 4-5 cups of water over high heat. Add several slices of the galangal, and several kaffir lime leaves, as well as a couple of stalks of lemon grass lightly crushed and cut up into 1-2 inch pieces. Add about 4 tablespoons of fish sauce and 2 tablespoons of the nam prik pao. Bring to a boil. Add the straw mushrooms and the juice of 4-6 limes to the pot and bring back to a boil. Add the shrimp and cook just until they are opaque. Finish by adding some coarsely chopped cilantro. To increase the heat, sliced Serrano chilis can be added. You should end up with about 2-3 servings.

From start to finish, the soup can be ready in about twenty minutes. If you don’t like shrimp, just leave them out and you’ll have tom yum kai. Or you can add coconut milk and have tom yum nam khon. It’s an excellent recipe to have in your repertoire as it’s impressive in its composition despite its relatively uncomplicated construction. Just remember not to eat the galangal, kaffir lime leaves, or lemon grass. While they add to the flavor, they are largely inedible.