Shitty Movie Review - "Stiletto"

This is long overdue. I first watched "Stiletto" several months ago via Netflix, largely because it stars Stana Katic of "Castle" fame, but also because it has an all-star cast. The film features one of the guys from "Major League" (Tom Berenger), the guy from "The Cutting Edge" (D.B. Sweeney), the girl from the "Lolita" remake (Dominique Swain), a reunion from "The Rock" (William Forsythe and Michael Biehn), "Martial Law"'s Miss Hawaii (Kelly Hu), and the guy from "Heat" who also dated Heidi Fleiss (Tom Sizemore). With a cast like that, it's hard to believe more people haven't heard of the movie. Netflix didn't have enough room to list everyone, so watching the movie was like a surprise who's who of what the hell, meaning it was excellent.

The movie "stars" Stana Katic as Raina, a woman hellbent on getting revenge for the crimes Virgil Vardalos (Tom Berenger) and his associates committed against her sister. I use the term, "star," loosely, since, although she is one of the principle characters, she does not have that many lines. But she does look hot in the movie, and she kills a lot of A-holes with the aforementioned stiletto, which is a switchblade with the largest, most awkward handle ever. Sure, it's larger handle size allows for a larger blade, but it's the size of a brick. And she doesn't carry a purse in every scene, so I don't even want to think of where she stashes that thing.

Tom Berenger plays her former lover, mob boss Virgil Vadalos. Yeah, he's supposed to be Greek, but I'm not sure if anyone told him. William Forsythe plays Alex, his right-hand man. Forsythe turns in one of the film's bright performances as a man who doesn't know whether he's Greek or Russian. His accent drops more than a T-Mobile call in the mid '90s. Good, old Michael Biehn plays Lee, the displaced mob lieutenant trying to get back into Virgil's good graces. That, and he doesn't know the difference between a crow bar and a tire iron. In one scene, he threatens to kill Raina with what he calls a crow bar, but is obviously a tire iron. Hilarity ensues in the subsequent scene.

The actual star of the movie is Paul Sloan as Beck, a crooked cop helping Virgil find Raina, because even though she stabbed him and cut him Godfather-Part-II-style, he still loves her. Sloan also wrote the movie, which is why it's not surprising that he gets a lot of screen time despite not being necessarily integral to the story. Plus he wrote himself a scene where he makes out with Kelly Hu.

The movie is filled with snappy dialog ("Don't take this the wrong way, but you're pretty hot for a crack whore."), gratuitous violence (belt sanding things not meant to be belt sanded), irrelevant car chases, pseudo-Japanese geisha martial arts dinner theater, and Kelly Hu as both eye candy and eye vomit, literally.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention something about the cover. The movie is called "Stiletto." Raina uses a stiletto to kill people, though not exclusively. So why is it that she appears on the one shot holding two pistols John-Woo-style? I rest my case. This movie is so bad-ass, it refuses to make sense.

My shitty movie rating: 9 turds out of 10. Life-altering!

Additional notes: The director, Nick Vallelonga, has also done some acting. He has appeared, uncredited of course, in "The Godfather," "Splash," "Prizzi's Honor," and "Goodfellas." He's also appeared in a certain show, in an episode I've seen recently ... "Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction." He was the baker who saw Satan in the oven!

Time Train - Delayed

"Time Train" is on hiatus again this week due to an overwhelming demand for Scene-It. Hopefully "Time Train" is back on schedule next week.

Celebrity Sightings - Coolio

If I'm hanging out in West L.A., and if it's after 10 p.m., we usually have only one food option: Cinco de Mayo. They're open 24 hours and they serve pretty good food there. And the tacos are way better than that other place around the corner (*cough* Tito's *cough*).

After playing basketball late one day, we were hanging out at the apartment debating places to eat. Several hours later, we only had the one option, so we headed over.

There's a certain hour after which Cinco de Mayo gets especially busy. I don't know of any clubs in the area, but those are the types of people that show up. However this time, instead of just clubbers, Coolio and his posse showed up. This was fairly recently, so it was present-day Coolio, not "Fantastic Voyage" Coolio or even "1, 2, 3, 4" Coolio. They ordered their food, and after they got it, they bounced.

I was a little surprised, as like Busta Rhymes, he's a pretty big dude. In some ways, Coolio is like the cracked out weaselly version of Busta, which is saying a lot.

Yokai of the Week - Masterpiece Series

I thought I'd take the time this week to introduce three more pieces from the Yokai Masterpiece Series. Two feature yokai from my previous list, with another recent yokai.

Yokai Masterpiece #2 - Karakasa - colored construction paper mounted on foam board.

Yokai Masterpiece #3 - Umibozu - colored construction paper mounted on foam board.

Yokai Masterpiece #5 - Amikiri - colored construction paper mounted on foam board.

I'm considering auctioning or raffling these off if there's any interest. I'm sure any of these pieces would look lovely in someone's bathroom.

For a comparison of the original artwork to the masterpiece version, scroll to the bottom of the post.

So no new yokai this week, but there will be a new yokai of the week next week.

Tara Kasuzuke

Growing up, my favorite fish dish was tara (black cod) kasuzuke. We used to have a fishman that would drive out to our area, and I used to enjoy looking at the different types of seafood he had inside his truck (as well as the bugs crushed against his truck grill). But the only thing I ever wanted to get from him was tara kasuzuke (and maybe ikura).

You can buy tara kasuzuke ready-made from almost any Japanese market nowadays, but it's easy enough to make your own, so I thought I'd try it. The main ingredient aside from the fish, is the sake lees. Sake lees are the leftover dead yeast from sake production. Along with some sugar and mirin, it aids in the marination process of the fish.

I should have let the fish marinate another day at least, since the flavor was too light. However the nasu (eggplant) shigiyaki was strong, so it evened out in the end. The bag of sake lees was really big, so I'll probably be making kasuzuke again soon.

The Pitch - Gay Detective Show

During dinner I was thinking about how many procedurals on TV rely on certain gimmicks, but what really brings viewers back to watch week after week are the characters and their relationships. One of the most popular elements of such television shows is the sexual tension between the two leads (Bones, Castle, Moonlighting, Remington Steele). And in many of these shows, the jumping the shark moment is generally when the leads get together (Caroline in the City, Friends, X-Files). Then I thought about how some shows don't necessarily pair leads of opposite sexes (Law & Order, Numbers, Two and a Half Men). But why wouldn't it be possible to have two guys or two women gradually gravitate toward one another and possible fall in love?

The idea I have thus far is rather amoebic, and hasn't been thought out too far. A show about a detective agency like Remington Steele would provide a solid, tried-and-true backdrop. Perhaps the show could be like Simon & Simon, but instead of being brothers, they're not, plus they're gay, but that's not evident from the beginning. I don't think their sexual inclination needs to be a driving element of the show, particularly early on. In fact, I'd rather have it appear as though each of them may be straight. Or maybe just one. Either way, they'd be drawn closer together through common interests and goals, finally realizing near the end of the series that they really do love each other and want to be together forever.

I can understand why some people might be bothered by this. A lot of people would say they might watch a show like this. But while realistic depictions of homosexuality have been increasingly accepted by television viewers, it has been done somewhat through humor at gays' expense. Will & Grace was a hugely successful show with gay characters featured prominently. However it still smacks of gay blackface in much the same way The Big Bang Theory is comedy as nerd blackface. If the show weren't couching itself in humor, such a relationship could prove to be too much for the average audience to handle.

I can't imagine any network progressive enough to take the risk of putting a show like this on the air. It wouldn't get past the pitch phase, and even if the show was produced without the network explicitly knowing where the creators wanted to take the show, it's doubtful they would approve. However, especially if written well with likable characters, why would sexual orientation have to be an issue? As long as it's compelling, responsible television and not meant to be spectacle, it could prove to be a touching premise in the end. And if they still want to pass, Xena did it. They might have been women, but they were pretty masculine women. Note, I didn't use a comma after "pretty."

Something Unusual

One time my dad took us to the Japan Expo at the L.A. Convention Center. While walking into the exhibit hall, we see an 赤とんぼ (dragonfly) flying around. It started flying toward the wall and instead of landing on the ledge, it flew straight into the wall at full speed. And died. It fell onto the ledge, and we waited for a minute for it to get up, but it didn't. I've never seen a bug willfully commit suicide like that. Strange.

My Top Ten Fast Food Places & Items

Just looking at this list can cause a heart attack.

1. Pioneer Chicken - fried chicken

2. Hoagies & Wings - hot wings

3. Mos Burger - Mos Burger
4. Hoagie Hut (R.I.P.) - Godfather (mortadella, cotto salami, provolone topped with shredded lettuce and Italian dressing)
5. Skooby's - double bacon cheddar fries
6. The Hat - pastrami sandwich

7. Dinah's Fried Chicken - fried gizzards

8. The Local Place - lau lau

9. Point-Point Joint - lechon

10. Cinco de Mayo - Mexican nachos con chicharron


Honorable mention:
Central Grocery - muffelata