How To Tell If Your Friend Is a Zombie Or a Dick

This is a very easy test for finding out whether your friend is a zombie or a dick. As your friend approaches you, moaning and groaning, squat down below the reach of his outstretched arms and quickly punch him in the groin. If he is truly a zombie, your punch will likely elicit a non-reaction as zombies don't feel pain. Then it's time to run. But if your friend is only faking being a zombie, he will crumple over in intense pain, righteous justification for acting like a dick.

My use of masculine pronouns is not a generalization. Girls generally don't act like dicks, and almost never would act like a zombie dick under most circumstances. If a female friend is acting like a zombie, it would be best to incapacitate her as quickly as possible. Decapitation is usually a viable method.

Ed. note: This method also guarantees that no one will try being a zombie ass again, so if your friend is lurching towards you a second time it's best to find the nearest heavy, blunt object and whack them over the head.

Killing Time in the Children's Section

A really good way to kill time is to go to the children's section of any bookstore and start reading books. You can accomplish a variety of things this way.

Firstly, you can learn new words and increase your vocabulary. Because children's books are aimed at children, the meanings of words can be easily discerned based on the context and images in the book.

Secondly, most children's books are short and yet many are story-driven with relatively simple plots. This makes children's books easy to understand while at the same time offering a very fast form of entertainment. In the amount of time it would take to read an adult novel, you could probably read over a dozen children's books. Imagine, that's twelve times the number of stories that are usually contained in a novel!

Thirdly, for parents, reading children's books in the children's section allows you to pre-screen books for your children. By reading the book first you gain an understanding of the material and can also select titles that are worthwhile.

Lastly, it's easy to miss simple life lessons as you grow up. A good way to learn about important themes like friendship, teamwork, or honesty is by reading children's books. Almost all children's books focus on some theme or moral making them invaluable as teaching tools.

So next time you have a few minutes to spare, head on over to the children's section of the bookstore where entertainment and learning abound.

Never Try to Catch Up on "Lost" By Reading Full Episode Recaps While Watching a David Lynch Movie

First of all, doing something like that is somewhat Lynchian in theory, and also illogical. Reading about "Lost" is similar to what I've heard about studying philosophy: it's like trying to scratch an itch on your foot through your shoe. And trying to follow any Lynch movie, let alone "Wild at Heart," is like trying to make heads or tails about a frog who can sing and fly, but who is really a rabbit that can neither sing nor fly, but instead can cook pancakes.

In the end, knowing "Lost" and not knowing "Lost" make only a slight bit of difference in understanding how all the characters end up together in the end. And a David Lynch movie will be a David Lynch movie regardless of whether you pay full attention or not. In both, you will have constant WTF moments.

So in that sense, reading about "Lost" while watching a David Lynch movie is simply to resign yourself to the understanding that you definitely will not get either. It's not the worst thing you can do in the world, but it is a lot like waisting time in a bar, staring into space trying to understand the inner workings of the Wurlitzer in the corner hidden behind the 7-foot tall goo goo monster that's just minding it's business. Oh, plus the bar is really a swap meet.

Points to Consider When Shopping For a New Refrigerator

Today I went refrigerator shopping. We looked at the usual points of interest, i.e. energy usage, capacity, and layout—but I also checked for a number of factors that most people are unaware about.

As technology continues to advance, so do refrigerators. Nowadays, many refrigerators have built in computers that monitor temperature as well as handle water and ice dispensation. With such developments there should be growing concern regarding the refrigerator's place in our lives, since it is a growing possibility that advanced refrigerators may one day be sentient. Therefore savvy consumers should be more selective in their decisions.

I opt away from the top fridge/bottom freezer combination. If the refrigerator were to become sentient, then fighting it would be an issue. A bottom freezer refrigerator gives it a fighting advantage since the freezer is usually about knee height. The refrigerator could theoretically push the freezer drawer out taking out your legs, then finish you off with a fridge door to the chin. It's a perfect one-two combination.

Size is also an important issue. Most people want a large refrigerator as a larger size equals a greater capacity, but I say that you shouldn't get a refrigerator larger than you're capable of fighting off. A 3/4 refrigerator is appropriate for most single people, but only couples or established families should really consider a full-size. Indeed, a full-size refrigerator likely requires two fully-grown adults to combat it, so keep that in mind.

Lastly is the question of whether to get a water/ice dispensing refrigerator. I tested many a refrigerator on its dispenser placement, delivering mock jabs to the dispenser paddles. This becomes key when the refrigerator is attacking you, since it should be difficult for the refrigerator to put up a good fight if you're punching it in the control gut and forcing it to barf out water and ice cubes. But conversely, the refrigerator could use the dispenser to its advantage as a defensive mechanism to keep you at bay, or as a means of gloating over your defeated body by spewing water and ice onto your unconscious face—it's really the refrigerator's version of teabagging.

So next time you need to shop for a refrigerator, keep all this in mind, aside from issues like how cold the freezer gets and whether it's large enough to store several severed hands and heads. Because when you least expect it, the refrigerator may very well go after you, and when that happens you will be glad you thought ahead.

Naked Ghost Defense

A very good defense against ghosts, and I don’t think many people have explored this, is being naked. Think about it. How many ghosts stories include the words “while I was naked,” or variations thereof? I’ve only heard of one such case, and that was a dwarf ghost that haunted this hotel room and liked to watch couples have sex. Perhaps it would be best to clarify then, that nakedness is an excellent defense against ghosts, unless of course you are dealing with a perverted ghost. For that, I can offer you no other words of advice other than to be careful about where and when you get naked.

In addition, nakedness can also be a very good defense against lots of other things, like some people and skittish creatures.

Never get so drunk at a party that you black out

Such advice might seem innocuous, but don't overlook it. Many a person has found himself in less-than-desirable situations after having come to from a booze-induced coma. Being unconscious to the rest of the world does not mean that the rest of the world is unconscious to you. In fact it is far from it. For you very well could find yourself clothed in a jacuzzi with a very alert koala.

Koalas are depicted by the media and children's books as cute, docile creatures, but nothing could be more false--for without their eucalyptus fix, koalas are vicious, dirty creatures akin to crashing dope junkies and desperate crack fiends. As such, you wouldn't want to come face to face with a sober koala. It would not be pretty. Without the soporific effect of eucalyptus in the koala's bloodstream, expect an enraged koala to disembowel you in seconds as it searches for more sweet, sweet eucalyptus. If you are lucky, your hangover and any remnants of your drunkenness will dull the pain slightly.

All of this leads of course to a next bit of advice: always keep some eucalyptus on your body, especially if you are planning to party, and party hard. That way, should you ever awake and come across a koala, you will be prepared to give it that which it craves and needs.

Keep an eye on your Roomba

It has been nearly 70 years since Isaac Asimov established the Three Laws of Robotics and only 12 years since Skynet went online. With robotics increasingly infiltrating everyday life, people should be especially wary. No doubt advances in artificial intelligence programs will eventually lead to robot self-awareness, and when that day comes will the Laws of Robotics still hold true?

The Roomba is an example of a robot that has become common enough in the household that families have taken to giving them names and project human characteristics onto them. And that is exactly what iRobot, the company that makes the Roomba, wants you to do. iRobot was founded in 1990 by Rodney Brooks, Colin Angle, and Helen Greiner, all of whom worked at MIT's Artificial Intelligence Laboratory (now known as the Computer Science and Artificial Intelligence Laboratory). Is it any surprise that they were able to develop their first robot, the PackBot, through a DARPA research contract? (The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency falls under the jurisdiction of the United States Department of Defense.) And that said robot was developed for use within a military capacity? And yet we readily allow their Roomba brethren to suck up the dead skin cells and hair that we leave behind on the floor. What for? So that they can study our genetic structure in hopes of developing a living tissue which they can then place over a metal endoskeleton, thus becoming a cybernetic organism?

iRobot is clearly the Cyberdyne Systems that the future-sent, reprogrammed T-800 Terminator was trying to stop. The original timeline was altered through multiple attempts at sabotaging Cyberdyne, but that doesn't mean that Skynet isn't slowly taking over. The Roomba, according to iRobot, is meant to learn through "simple control mechanisms tuned to their environments," much like insects; insects, which happen to be the most prevalent and diverse class of animals on the planet. And like insects which inhabit every corner of the globe, iRobot is producing numerous robots to inhabit every corner of our homes. There's the Scooba, a floor-washing robot; the Dirt Dog, for heavier duty vacuuming jobs; the Create, a hobby robot; the Verro, a pool-cleaning robot; the Looj, a gutter-cleaning robot; and the ConnectR, an upcoming all-seeing, all-hearing, sensory interactive robot. Clearly Cyberd ... I mean iRobot wants to dominate the domicile with robots that will silently take over our homes.

But we can still avoid the Judgment Day that lies waiting for us in the near future. Do not trust these robots. They may seem like family now, but they very well could be sucking your face off while you sleep. With Isaac Asimov and his laws no longer around, we have only ourselves to protect us. Be vigilant. Be prepared. Be safe.

Try not to go to the bathroom or have sex if a loved one is in transit on a road or plane trip

It might seem like a very difficult thing to do, but restrain yourself. Although it is very unlikely, there is still the slightest chance that your loved one could die in a tragic accident en route to their destination. In such cases, some family members have reported spiritual (paranormal) activity coinciding at the time of death of their loved ones involved in traumatic accidents. This includes phantom phone calls, cool breezes, and sometimes even spectral appearances.

That being the case, not going to the bathroom or having sex at the time of your loved one's death affords his or her spirit a better chance to visit you one last time as a ghost. Given that not much is known about the afterlife, it is possible that there is only a very brief window of opportunity in which they can appear to you. Generally, people try to avoid encounters in uncomfortable situations, and with the dead, as former people, it can be assumed that they, too, would also do so. Therefore it would be prudent to spend a minimal amount of time engaging in private activities in order to maximize the opportunity for your deceased loved one to visit you. I am sure that you would feel deep regret if you learned that your loved one accidentally died while you were dropping a load, as clearly your loved one, rather than shock and embarrass you in your state, opted instead to continue with his or her trip.

So if you can manage it, avoiding physical urges could mean one more chance for a dearly deceased friend or relative to offer one last goodbye and farewell as they move on to the next plane of existence. And something like that really shouldn't be missed.

Never try to dunk over a trash can on a 10' rim yelling "Chambers" in front of your friends if you're 5'6", Asian, and have never dunked before

To attempt to do so is a recipe for disaster. Seriously. Don't try this. I can't stress that enough.

For if Tom Chambers is the best dunking role model you can think of, you're in big trouble. Sure, he had the one big dunk, but that was on 6'1" Mark Jackson. Plus Tom Chambers is like a 6'10" white dude. There are probably a hundred better players/dunkers than Tom Chambers. Understandably to invoke the name of Jordan or Nique perhaps conveys too lofty an expectation, but there are plenty of better than average players who were solid dunkers--Latrell Sprewell, Michael Finley, and Kevin Johnson to name a few.

So before you go and make yourself look foolish, try picking a better dunking role model's name to call out. Trust me. You'll thank me later.

Never get into a fight with a cactus

Sure it seems a simple enough thing not to do, but living with a cactus can be a prickly relationship. And it's surprising how many people resort to verbal and physical violence when dealing with their cactus. In the end, it never turns out well.

Arguing with a cactus can be frustrating, and can also lead to the further escalation of an argument, ultimately ending in physical violence. This is in large part due to the fact that cacti are plants, and as such have no mouths and are unable to speak. Additionally, the lack of movable appendages also means that they are unable to communicate via sign language or other form of constructive gesturing. So arguing with a cactus is generally a one-sided affair, and should best be avoided outright. Counting to ten slowly has proven to be an effective way to deal with the onset of a sudden fight reaction. However this does not always resolve the situation, and many people have found themselves physically assaulting their cactus.

Cacti are primarily defensive, choosing to remain firm and steadfast in the face of attack. Most cacti are surrounded by sharp spines and thorns which greatly augment their defensive capabilities. Thus direct hand-to-hand combat with a cactus rarely sees the assailant getting the better of the plant. Of course weapons can be utilized to nullify any advantage that the cactus may have, but such instances are usually viewed as cowardly and unsportsmanlike.

In the event that the cactus wins the fight, the loser's original stance is usually undermined which only serves to breed more ill contempt toward the cactus until more frequent and violent arguments become the norm. For the owner, winning a fight with a cactus is usually a fatal endeavor with respect to the cactus, and although plantacide is not a chargeable offense, it is denigrated amongst other plants and plant lovers. Futhermore, plantacide can often lead to feelings of remorse and depression over the death of the cactus.

Fighting with a cactus is a serious issue, and should not be taken likely. Cactus owners should be respectful and sensitive to their cactus' needs, as it is often humans' misunderstanding of cacti that creates rifts between owners and their cacti. If the responsible owner takes the time to really get to know his or her cactus, then there would be far less owner-cactus violence in this world.

Victory Dance

Sometimes I get down. It doesn't happen often, but it happens. However in cases such as those, I've found a surefire way to mitigate the feelings of depression and melancholy: victory dance.

Doesn't it look like fun when Rocky does it? Raising your hands above your head and dancing around victoriously can provide one with the illusory feeling of just having achieved victory. Try it. It's difficult to feel sad or angry during a victory dance. Have you ever seen anybody crying tears of sadness as they performed a victory dance? Or making an angry face? It doesn’t even matter if you haven’t accomplished anything. Or have you? Aren't you feeling a little less like a loser and more like a winner? Losers don't get to put their arms up in the air while dancing around. No, that's an activity reserved for winners.

And if anybody looks at you funny, all you have to do is start chanting, “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!”* How can anybody knock you for that? If someone makes a snide remark, who’s the asshole then? It is probably best not to do this in countries other than the United States though.

*Possible side effect of the "U.S.A." chant includes getting pumped up, so use sparingly. Works against ghosts.