God bless The Asylum, for how would I be able to get my shitty movie fix. With The Asylum, I'm guaranteed to see a quality shitty movie--with casting choices that make me feel like it's the late '80s all over again.
For those not in the know, The Asylum is a film production studio and distributor with such popular releases as "Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus" and "Transmorphers." Their films are generally low budget, special effects heavy, straight-to-DVD affairs. Critics have mockingly labeled their films as "mockbusters" in the way that they often play off of major theatrical releases' titles and how their film releases generally precede or coincide with those aforementioned major releases. However this label is largely unfair to The Asylum as their films often bare only passing resemblances to the films that their titles parody. Furthermore, some of their films have proven to be remarkably resilient to reviews, offering insightful social commentary as well as modern interpretations of classic novels.
For example, there is "The 18 Year Old Virgin" starring Olivia Alaina May. Clearly the title is a take on Judd Apatow's "40-Year-Old Virgin" but what you'll find is a movie more akin to "Can't Hardly Wait" or the American Pie series. Sure, it's still full of sophomoric sex jokes and sex myths (let's face it, so was "The 40-Year-Old Virgin) but it's also about teenage awkwardness and young people searching for their first love.
"Transmorphers" (and it's sequel "Transmorphers: The Fall of Man") deemed a "Transformers" rip-off, actually shares more of it's plotline with the Terminator film series. Yes, there are transforming (or transmorphing, depending on which studio you talk to) alien robots, but that is pretty much where the comparisons end. The movie also boasts some remarkably entertaining CG effects work as well as several predictable but surprising plot twists. The plot for both the first and second movies are also arguably tighter than either of Michael Bay's blockbuster offerings.
"Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus," a more or less generic monster movie, received a great deal of buzz owing to it's viral trailer revealing a giant prehistoric shark leaping out of the ocean to bite an airliner in half. Sadly, while that was the highlight of the movie and though it was critically derided, it is noteworthy to point out a rather positive and nonchalant depiction of the interracial relationship between Debbie Gibson's (yes, that Debbie Gibson) character, Emma, and Asian-American actor Vic Chao's Seiji. The two characters are brought together by a confluence of events, hit it off, and end up knocking the boots, all before the midway point of the movie. And the best thing is that none of the other characters express any disdain for the relationship. (SPOILER ALERT) And just when you think The Asylum is going to pull a classic Hollywood stunt and kill off Seiji, they pull another typical Hollywood stunt and bring him back. American race relations may still have a long row to hoe, but The Asylum has just made it a little shorter. (END SPOILER)
Compared to Roland Emmerich's special effects disaster orgy, "2012 Doomsday" has a lot more heart, and faith. Released under The Asylum's Faith Films label, and starring Cliff De Young, Dale Midkiff, and '80s princess and Micky Dolenz daughter, Ami Dolenz, the movie explores common faith-based questions in the face of world annihilation. Coping with the destruction becomes a religious exercise as families searching for answers have their love and devotion tested, only to be rewarded with miracles when they hold true to their faith.
"30,000 Leagues Under the Sea" starring "Renegade"'s Lorenzo Llamas (who also starred in "Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus"), while not attached to any major Hollywood release, puts a twist on the classic Jules Verne novel with Captain Nemo as a scientist ruling over a completely rebuilt and technologically advanced underwater city of Atlantis. And "The Land That Time Forgot," while released near the Will Ferrell vehicle, "The Land of the Lost," has more in common with its source material than does the latter. With a modernized take on the novel, the C. Thomas Howell (he also starred) helmed film takes a modernized approach to Edgar Rice Burroughs work, with mostly positive results.
So The Asylum is much more than a studio trying to capitalize off of Hollywood blockbusters. Their titles are really about getting their foot in the door, rather than flat imitation. The content of their films manages to exceed the expectations of most low budget, B-grade films. One should (or would) never confuse them with the largely more popular films they appear to be named after, but give them a chance, and you'll most likely come away with something to smile about.
The Asylum Homepage
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Whhhy? - Rock Lords
My dad used to go to Japan a lot so he brought back a lot of transforming robots. Most of these were Transformers, but occasionally I'd get GoBots, and on two occasions, Rock Lords. Try to imagine a robot...
that transforms into...
a rock--that's Rock Lords.
Rock Lords were a spin-off from Tonka's GoBots toyline. They were not successful but were still produced for three seasons in the mid 1980s before finally bowing out. I should also mention that the catchiest tagline Tonka could come up with was "Powerful living rocks!"
Gee, I wonder why they weren't popular? Could it be because they transformed into friggin' rocks?! Rock Lords also came with weapons, like guns and axes (which were only usable in their robot forms). For years I found loose Transformers guns that looked like crap. Now I realize they looked like crap because they were actually from Rock Lords.
The two Rock Lords pictured were from my own collection. Boulder (grey one) was the leader of the good Rock Lords and was made of Tungsten. Sunstone (amber one) was from the Jewel Lords line, and he was made of amber. But none of this matters because these toys were dumb. Even Transformers Action Masters, the Transformers line where the Transformers didn't transform but their weapons and vehicles did was better than this. Even "Big"'s transforming building was better than Rock Lords. And it's head wouldn't even stay up!
So I ask, why, Rock Lords? Whhhy?!
that transforms into...
a rock--that's Rock Lords.
Rock Lords were a spin-off from Tonka's GoBots toyline. They were not successful but were still produced for three seasons in the mid 1980s before finally bowing out. I should also mention that the catchiest tagline Tonka could come up with was "Powerful living rocks!"
Gee, I wonder why they weren't popular? Could it be because they transformed into friggin' rocks?! Rock Lords also came with weapons, like guns and axes (which were only usable in their robot forms). For years I found loose Transformers guns that looked like crap. Now I realize they looked like crap because they were actually from Rock Lords.
The two Rock Lords pictured were from my own collection. Boulder (grey one) was the leader of the good Rock Lords and was made of Tungsten. Sunstone (amber one) was from the Jewel Lords line, and he was made of amber. But none of this matters because these toys were dumb. Even Transformers Action Masters, the Transformers line where the Transformers didn't transform but their weapons and vehicles did was better than this. Even "Big"'s transforming building was better than Rock Lords. And it's head wouldn't even stay up!
So I ask, why, Rock Lords? Whhhy?!
Celebrity Sightings - Mystery Edition
There's a hot dog place called Skooby's over in Hollywood that I frequent a lot. I actually prefer it to Pink's as they make some of the best fries you can get in L.A. I'll probably write a review for it sometime.
Anyway, I had just grabbed a dog, some bacon cheddar fries, and an Arnold Palmer and was just hanging out along Hollywood Blvd near the Chinese Theater, when I see a Smart car coming down the street. I figured Smart cars are popular amongst image conscious celebrities, and since it was Hollywood, there could be a chance that someone famous was riding in that car. I'm not going to ask you to guess who it was, because you'll most likely not get it right ... but if you guessed Howie Mandel, you were totally on the money!
Howie Mandel, the host of "Deal or No Deal" and creator of "Bobby's World" drives a Smart car. It was both a surprise and a disappointment at the same time, but I'll take what I can get. I can't promise all of these Celebrity Sightings to be of A-list stars, or even altogether interesting, but like me, you take what you can get.
Anyway, I had just grabbed a dog, some bacon cheddar fries, and an Arnold Palmer and was just hanging out along Hollywood Blvd near the Chinese Theater, when I see a Smart car coming down the street. I figured Smart cars are popular amongst image conscious celebrities, and since it was Hollywood, there could be a chance that someone famous was riding in that car. I'm not going to ask you to guess who it was, because you'll most likely not get it right ... but if you guessed Howie Mandel, you were totally on the money!
Howie Mandel, the host of "Deal or No Deal" and creator of "Bobby's World" drives a Smart car. It was both a surprise and a disappointment at the same time, but I'll take what I can get. I can't promise all of these Celebrity Sightings to be of A-list stars, or even altogether interesting, but like me, you take what you can get.
Friday, January 29, 2010
How to properly marinate an egg in cola
Trying to flavor a hardboiled egg with cola can be a little more difficult than it sounds. You can't simply boil it in cola. (I know, I've tried. Twice.) So here are some simple instructions on how to marinate a hardboiled egg in cola.
Ingredients
eggs (as many as you want to make)
cold water
cola
The first step is to make the hardboiled eggs. Place eggs into a saucepan and fill with cold water just until the eggs are covered. Place the saucepan over high heat and bring to a boil. Once the water has started to boil, remove from heat and let sit for 10 minutes. Remove the eggs and run under cold water until cool. Remove shells.
Place eggs in a plastic baggy and fill with cola just until the eggs are covered. Diet cola can be used instead for the more health conscious. Tie off baggy and let sit for at least 6 to 12 hours depending on the desired strength of the carbonation and cola flavor. Bon apetit!
These eggs were marinated for 6 hours.
Ingredients
eggs (as many as you want to make)
cold water
cola
The first step is to make the hardboiled eggs. Place eggs into a saucepan and fill with cold water just until the eggs are covered. Place the saucepan over high heat and bring to a boil. Once the water has started to boil, remove from heat and let sit for 10 minutes. Remove the eggs and run under cold water until cool. Remove shells.
Place eggs in a plastic baggy and fill with cola just until the eggs are covered. Diet cola can be used instead for the more health conscious. Tie off baggy and let sit for at least 6 to 12 hours depending on the desired strength of the carbonation and cola flavor. Bon apetit!
These eggs were marinated for 6 hours.
Ninja Weapons
While helping a a friend move among other things his weapon collection last Saturday, I was reminded by a scene from the seminal Judd Apatow movie "Knocked Up." In the scene, Katherine Heigl picks up a sword at Seth Rogen's place and asks, "What is this?" He very matter-of-factly states that "it is a ninja weapon." In a movie filled with honest comedy,I found this scene to be the most accurate and funny of the bunch. It resonated with me largely because, as a single guy who does not practice any martial arts, I also have a large collection of "ninja weapons." And so does every one of my guy friends.
My friend postulated that there is a natural progression regarding the collecting of ninja weapons. One starts with nunchuks, then moves on to bo staffs, and finally sais. Swords can be picked up at any point, and daggers do not count. Within my group, ninja weapons are often exchanged as a sign of friendship.
Now why is it necessary for someone to have so many ninja weapons let alone any ninja weapons? For self defense, of course. When one has no training in unarmed combat, reliance on weapons to gain an advantage is of the utmost importance. And when one lives in a large, vulnerable house, having a large weapon collection insures that a weapon will always be within arms reach. Within my bedroom alone, I have a bokken (wooden katana) and KA-BAR fighting knife (as a dagger I suppose this does not count) beneath my bed. On my closet door are no less than three sets of nunchuks as well as manriki-kusari. By my door is a very light and fast bamboo pole. While not a ninja weapon, almost every room in my house has a baseball bat, including two to three by the front door for mob combat.
Being surrounded by deadly ninja weapons offers a sense of security. I never have to feel worried about being robbed or attacked in my own home. My complete ignorance of unarmed combat systems does not weigh heavy on my mind. For should anybody (even you, Reader)attempt to infiltrate my house unlawfully, he or she will be guaranteed to receive a bludgeoning like they wouldn't believe.
My friend postulated that there is a natural progression regarding the collecting of ninja weapons. One starts with nunchuks, then moves on to bo staffs, and finally sais. Swords can be picked up at any point, and daggers do not count. Within my group, ninja weapons are often exchanged as a sign of friendship.
Now why is it necessary for someone to have so many ninja weapons let alone any ninja weapons? For self defense, of course. When one has no training in unarmed combat, reliance on weapons to gain an advantage is of the utmost importance. And when one lives in a large, vulnerable house, having a large weapon collection insures that a weapon will always be within arms reach. Within my bedroom alone, I have a bokken (wooden katana) and KA-BAR fighting knife (as a dagger I suppose this does not count) beneath my bed. On my closet door are no less than three sets of nunchuks as well as manriki-kusari. By my door is a very light and fast bamboo pole. While not a ninja weapon, almost every room in my house has a baseball bat, including two to three by the front door for mob combat.
Being surrounded by deadly ninja weapons offers a sense of security. I never have to feel worried about being robbed or attacked in my own home. My complete ignorance of unarmed combat systems does not weigh heavy on my mind. For should anybody (even you, Reader)attempt to infiltrate my house unlawfully, he or she will be guaranteed to receive a bludgeoning like they wouldn't believe.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Things that fascinate Japanese people
How Japanese are you? Here are some things that Japanese people find fascinating, in no particular order.
1. trains
2. drills
3. giant robots/mecha
4. Mini Coopers
5. horse racing
6. vending machines
7. sexual fetishes
8. yokai
9. professional wrestling
10. bug fighting
1. trains
2. drills
3. giant robots/mecha
4. Mini Coopers
5. horse racing
6. vending machines
7. sexual fetishes
8. yokai
9. professional wrestling
10. bug fighting
Unnecessary Sequels - "Big"
During dinner tonight, we caught the last half hour of "Big." My mother and sister were discussing if it would have worked if Elizabeth Perkins' character, Susan, had elected to become small, i.e. younger, so that she could stay with Tom Hanks' character, Josh. This sparked an idea for a sequel with the amazing title, "Big 2: Small."
In this direct sequel, Susan, having just dropped Josh off, would have a change of heart and decide that she would be willing to relive puberty. Immediately returning back to the fairgrounds, she would return to Sea Point Park to find that the Zoltar machine has already been picked up. The first twenty minutes or so would consist of Susan frantically trying to track down the Zoltan machine, juxtaposed with Josh adjusting back to his life as a kid. Susan would eventually find the machine and make her wish, transforming into a younger version of herself. Meanwhile Josh, with his newfound understanding of adulthood, is confident enough to find a girlfriend his own age. This of course causes problems when Susan eventually shows up and resolves to regain Josh's love.
The B story would involve Jared Rushton's character, Billy, finding himself the odd boy out again. He ends up vying for the attention of Josh's cast offs while also helping Susan and simultaneously maintaining a new consulting position at Josh' former employer, MacMillan Toy Company with Robert Loggia again assuming the role of MacMillan.
I don't want to ruin the ending, but everything sets up the sequel: "Big 3: Big Again." In this film, the focus is on Billy who makes a wish to be big, and ends up in a position similar to Josh's in the first movie. This would be followed by several straight-to-DVD sequels: "Big 4: Even Bigger," "Big 5: Transforming Buildings" (actually this is a Japanese spin-off and an unofficial entry in the Big series), "Big 6: Big in the City," and "Big 7: Big and Small." A proposed eighth film would never make it into production, with the possible title being either "Big 8: Big in the Hood" or "Big 8: Mission to Moscow."
In this direct sequel, Susan, having just dropped Josh off, would have a change of heart and decide that she would be willing to relive puberty. Immediately returning back to the fairgrounds, she would return to Sea Point Park to find that the Zoltar machine has already been picked up. The first twenty minutes or so would consist of Susan frantically trying to track down the Zoltan machine, juxtaposed with Josh adjusting back to his life as a kid. Susan would eventually find the machine and make her wish, transforming into a younger version of herself. Meanwhile Josh, with his newfound understanding of adulthood, is confident enough to find a girlfriend his own age. This of course causes problems when Susan eventually shows up and resolves to regain Josh's love.
The B story would involve Jared Rushton's character, Billy, finding himself the odd boy out again. He ends up vying for the attention of Josh's cast offs while also helping Susan and simultaneously maintaining a new consulting position at Josh' former employer, MacMillan Toy Company with Robert Loggia again assuming the role of MacMillan.
I don't want to ruin the ending, but everything sets up the sequel: "Big 3: Big Again." In this film, the focus is on Billy who makes a wish to be big, and ends up in a position similar to Josh's in the first movie. This would be followed by several straight-to-DVD sequels: "Big 4: Even Bigger," "Big 5: Transforming Buildings" (actually this is a Japanese spin-off and an unofficial entry in the Big series), "Big 6: Big in the City," and "Big 7: Big and Small." A proposed eighth film would never make it into production, with the possible title being either "Big 8: Big in the Hood" or "Big 8: Mission to Moscow."
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Time Train - Chapter 2
Because so many people requested it, here is the second chapter of "Time Train."
___
It took Rhubarb approximately ten days to coax several of his neighbors to help move the time traversing locomotive out of his parlor and onto the street. Out of the ten days, nine of those were spent cajoling and coaxing his neighbors into helping him, as Rhubarb was both a very persuasive and influential man. It required another month to again plead with and bargain with his neighbors to help him move the locomotive to the nearest railroad track and station. Throughout the ordeal, Florentine stood steadfastly behind her husband, and out of the way of her neighbors’ flying garbage. But with his locomotive now on track, the always plucky Rhubarb T. Porterhut III was ready to proceed.
He had decided on exploring the near future. That way, should he find himself unable to return back to his own era, he would not have lost a considerable amount of time.
With his wife, Florentine, at home generally engaged in her own pursuits, Rhubarb mounted the locomotive with his faithfully reluctant dog, Columbus, strapped to his back.
“It is now, at this precise moment, 8:35AM, November fifth, 1897. As God as my witness and guide, let this first journey be an auspicious one. Let us head forth with little trepidation as we venture into realms unknown. Let us be safe and find our return as securely as we travel forward.”
There were no bystanders, with the exception of the stationmaster who swept the platform, and Columbus barked throughout the speech, which Rhubarb accepted as overwhelming approval of his invocation.
Rhubarb began shoveling coal into the firebox to stoke the fire. He then turned the time knob, a simple knob situated over a circle bisected into “PAST” and “FUTURE” halves, slightly to the “FUTURE” half. Then, as the machine slowly roared to life, it stirred up an immense cloud of dust which engulfed the whole locomotive.
He laughed loudly as the locomotive churned in place. As the cloud spread and dissipated, the triumphant Rhubarb exclaimed, “Traveling through time, I am here!”
It took a few more seconds for the air to clear, after which Rhubarb felt it was finally safe to step down. He examined the murky sky, and tasted the burnt air. Everything seemed different. Even the train station in front of him seemed somehow more filthy and worn, covered with the thin film of aging. Rhubarb stepped onto the platform and lunged at the stationmaster.
“Tell me, sir, what time is it?”
“Why 8:43 in the AM,” replied the stationmaster.
Ever more frantic and concerned, Rhubarb grabbed the stationmaster and shook him.
“But what day is it? What year?”
Columbus yelped his concerns as well, as he hoped that they were not too far off course.
“Why, the fifth of November, 1897.”
Rhubarb’s face went from anxiety, to confusion, then finally to elation.
“It works! It works! Hallelujah, Columbus, it worked!”
A large clump of fur fell off from Columbus, a clump of relief. They had indeed made it. They had traveled several minutes into the future. With victory in his heart, Rhubarb leapt from the platform, Columbus in tow, as he raced home to see how his wife fared in this new world.
___
It took Rhubarb approximately ten days to coax several of his neighbors to help move the time traversing locomotive out of his parlor and onto the street. Out of the ten days, nine of those were spent cajoling and coaxing his neighbors into helping him, as Rhubarb was both a very persuasive and influential man. It required another month to again plead with and bargain with his neighbors to help him move the locomotive to the nearest railroad track and station. Throughout the ordeal, Florentine stood steadfastly behind her husband, and out of the way of her neighbors’ flying garbage. But with his locomotive now on track, the always plucky Rhubarb T. Porterhut III was ready to proceed.
He had decided on exploring the near future. That way, should he find himself unable to return back to his own era, he would not have lost a considerable amount of time.
With his wife, Florentine, at home generally engaged in her own pursuits, Rhubarb mounted the locomotive with his faithfully reluctant dog, Columbus, strapped to his back.
“It is now, at this precise moment, 8:35AM, November fifth, 1897. As God as my witness and guide, let this first journey be an auspicious one. Let us head forth with little trepidation as we venture into realms unknown. Let us be safe and find our return as securely as we travel forward.”
There were no bystanders, with the exception of the stationmaster who swept the platform, and Columbus barked throughout the speech, which Rhubarb accepted as overwhelming approval of his invocation.
Rhubarb began shoveling coal into the firebox to stoke the fire. He then turned the time knob, a simple knob situated over a circle bisected into “PAST” and “FUTURE” halves, slightly to the “FUTURE” half. Then, as the machine slowly roared to life, it stirred up an immense cloud of dust which engulfed the whole locomotive.
He laughed loudly as the locomotive churned in place. As the cloud spread and dissipated, the triumphant Rhubarb exclaimed, “Traveling through time, I am here!”
It took a few more seconds for the air to clear, after which Rhubarb felt it was finally safe to step down. He examined the murky sky, and tasted the burnt air. Everything seemed different. Even the train station in front of him seemed somehow more filthy and worn, covered with the thin film of aging. Rhubarb stepped onto the platform and lunged at the stationmaster.
“Tell me, sir, what time is it?”
“Why 8:43 in the AM,” replied the stationmaster.
Ever more frantic and concerned, Rhubarb grabbed the stationmaster and shook him.
“But what day is it? What year?”
Columbus yelped his concerns as well, as he hoped that they were not too far off course.
“Why, the fifth of November, 1897.”
Rhubarb’s face went from anxiety, to confusion, then finally to elation.
“It works! It works! Hallelujah, Columbus, it worked!”
A large clump of fur fell off from Columbus, a clump of relief. They had indeed made it. They had traveled several minutes into the future. With victory in his heart, Rhubarb leapt from the platform, Columbus in tow, as he raced home to see how his wife fared in this new world.
Mutant Powers - Underwear ESP
My sister was watching the medical drama "Mercy" when she commented that the actor on the screen was wearing boxers. I looked up, and all I saw was a man's face. It would appear that my sister has the mutant ability to discern what type of undergarments a person is wearing, simply by looking at their face. Some may find this to be a trivial mutant ability, as who wouldn't want the ability to fly, turn invisible, shoot lasers out of their eyes, or have full-on X-ray vision? But there is a great deal of practicality to be able to detect a person's underwear from their face, or as it is formally called, underwear ESP.
Fertility
The type of underwear a man wears can affect both his fertility rate, and therefore the ability to know what type of underwear a man wears can help a woman, such as my sister, to choose a better breeding mate. Some scientist contend that briefs, or "tighty-whities," can overheat the testes which in turn can lead to a decrease in sperm. Whereas boxers, or "free-balling," allows the testes to breathe and maintain a more stable temperature for sperm production.
Sex
For a man, it is equally important to be able to know what type of underwear a woman is wearing in a dating situation. Research has shown that the type of underwear a woman wears on a date is directly proportional to her willingness to have sex, or "put out." A woman wearing a black high cut thong is more likely to have sex with her date than a woman wearing white cotton bloomers, or "granny panties." And a woman who chooses to eschew underwear for nothing at all can make the difference between a $20 fast food dinner investment and an $80 dollar four course meal and nightcap.
Psychological Behavior
A person's choice in underwear has long been a scientific means of determining certain psychological tendencies. White cotton briefs/panties indicate a person who is virginal, innocent, and devoid of imagination. Boxer briefs can be associated largely with sports and homosexuality. Boxers connote a partier and someone who generally likes to enjoy his or herself. Thongs are for minimalists who only care for the bare essentials. While those who go commando are adventurers who only care for the bare ass.
Holidays
Sometimes it's difficult to figure out what present to get a friend for his or her birthday or holiday. Novelty underwear can often be a good present, but a lack of intimacy usually makes it difficult to figure out what type of underwear to get. Being able to tell what underwear a person is wearing just by looking at his or her face can eliminate this problem. And it also allows one to avoid embarrassing situations of discovering what type of underwear a friend uses.
So one shouldn't downplay the usefulness of underwear ESP. It can be a very helpful tool. And while it may not get my sister admission into Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, it may help her get a gift, or admission into someone else's underwear, and/or a youngster.
Fertility
The type of underwear a man wears can affect both his fertility rate, and therefore the ability to know what type of underwear a man wears can help a woman, such as my sister, to choose a better breeding mate. Some scientist contend that briefs, or "tighty-whities," can overheat the testes which in turn can lead to a decrease in sperm. Whereas boxers, or "free-balling," allows the testes to breathe and maintain a more stable temperature for sperm production.
Sex
For a man, it is equally important to be able to know what type of underwear a woman is wearing in a dating situation. Research has shown that the type of underwear a woman wears on a date is directly proportional to her willingness to have sex, or "put out." A woman wearing a black high cut thong is more likely to have sex with her date than a woman wearing white cotton bloomers, or "granny panties." And a woman who chooses to eschew underwear for nothing at all can make the difference between a $20 fast food dinner investment and an $80 dollar four course meal and nightcap.
Psychological Behavior
A person's choice in underwear has long been a scientific means of determining certain psychological tendencies. White cotton briefs/panties indicate a person who is virginal, innocent, and devoid of imagination. Boxer briefs can be associated largely with sports and homosexuality. Boxers connote a partier and someone who generally likes to enjoy his or herself. Thongs are for minimalists who only care for the bare essentials. While those who go commando are adventurers who only care for the bare ass.
Holidays
Sometimes it's difficult to figure out what present to get a friend for his or her birthday or holiday. Novelty underwear can often be a good present, but a lack of intimacy usually makes it difficult to figure out what type of underwear to get. Being able to tell what underwear a person is wearing just by looking at his or her face can eliminate this problem. And it also allows one to avoid embarrassing situations of discovering what type of underwear a friend uses.
So one shouldn't downplay the usefulness of underwear ESP. It can be a very helpful tool. And while it may not get my sister admission into Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, it may help her get a gift, or admission into someone else's underwear, and/or a youngster.
Never get into a fight with a cactus
Sure it seems a simple enough thing not to do, but living with a cactus can be a prickly relationship. And it's surprising how many people resort to verbal and physical violence when dealing with their cactus. In the end, it never turns out well.
Arguing with a cactus can be frustrating, and can also lead to the further escalation of an argument, ultimately ending in physical violence. This is in large part due to the fact that cacti are plants, and as such have no mouths and are unable to speak. Additionally, the lack of movable appendages also means that they are unable to communicate via sign language or other form of constructive gesturing. So arguing with a cactus is generally a one-sided affair, and should best be avoided outright. Counting to ten slowly has proven to be an effective way to deal with the onset of a sudden fight reaction. However this does not always resolve the situation, and many people have found themselves physically assaulting their cactus.
Cacti are primarily defensive, choosing to remain firm and steadfast in the face of attack. Most cacti are surrounded by sharp spines and thorns which greatly augment their defensive capabilities. Thus direct hand-to-hand combat with a cactus rarely sees the assailant getting the better of the plant. Of course weapons can be utilized to nullify any advantage that the cactus may have, but such instances are usually viewed as cowardly and unsportsmanlike.
In the event that the cactus wins the fight, the loser's original stance is usually undermined which only serves to breed more ill contempt toward the cactus until more frequent and violent arguments become the norm. For the owner, winning a fight with a cactus is usually a fatal endeavor with respect to the cactus, and although plantacide is not a chargeable offense, it is denigrated amongst other plants and plant lovers. Futhermore, plantacide can often lead to feelings of remorse and depression over the death of the cactus.
Fighting with a cactus is a serious issue, and should not be taken likely. Cactus owners should be respectful and sensitive to their cactus' needs, as it is often humans' misunderstanding of cacti that creates rifts between owners and their cacti. If the responsible owner takes the time to really get to know his or her cactus, then there would be far less owner-cactus violence in this world.
Arguing with a cactus can be frustrating, and can also lead to the further escalation of an argument, ultimately ending in physical violence. This is in large part due to the fact that cacti are plants, and as such have no mouths and are unable to speak. Additionally, the lack of movable appendages also means that they are unable to communicate via sign language or other form of constructive gesturing. So arguing with a cactus is generally a one-sided affair, and should best be avoided outright. Counting to ten slowly has proven to be an effective way to deal with the onset of a sudden fight reaction. However this does not always resolve the situation, and many people have found themselves physically assaulting their cactus.
Cacti are primarily defensive, choosing to remain firm and steadfast in the face of attack. Most cacti are surrounded by sharp spines and thorns which greatly augment their defensive capabilities. Thus direct hand-to-hand combat with a cactus rarely sees the assailant getting the better of the plant. Of course weapons can be utilized to nullify any advantage that the cactus may have, but such instances are usually viewed as cowardly and unsportsmanlike.
In the event that the cactus wins the fight, the loser's original stance is usually undermined which only serves to breed more ill contempt toward the cactus until more frequent and violent arguments become the norm. For the owner, winning a fight with a cactus is usually a fatal endeavor with respect to the cactus, and although plantacide is not a chargeable offense, it is denigrated amongst other plants and plant lovers. Futhermore, plantacide can often lead to feelings of remorse and depression over the death of the cactus.
Fighting with a cactus is a serious issue, and should not be taken likely. Cactus owners should be respectful and sensitive to their cactus' needs, as it is often humans' misunderstanding of cacti that creates rifts between owners and their cacti. If the responsible owner takes the time to really get to know his or her cactus, then there would be far less owner-cactus violence in this world.
Deep-Fried Wulf Top Ten Hot Topics
Here's a list of the most common topics of conversation for the moment within Deep-Fried Wulf.
1. Huell Howser
2. Baby Terminators
3. Tomica Hero: Rescue Fire
4. Nazis/Hitler
5. Barjan
6. Scientology
7. Guam
8. The Island
9. Milpitas/The Milpitas Monster
10. King Arthur and the Knights of Justice
1. Huell Howser
2. Baby Terminators
3. Tomica Hero: Rescue Fire
4. Nazis/Hitler
5. Barjan
6. Scientology
7. Guam
8. The Island
9. Milpitas/The Milpitas Monster
10. King Arthur and the Knights of Justice
Victory Dance
Sometimes I get down. It doesn't happen often, but it happens. However in cases such as those, I've found a surefire way to mitigate the feelings of depression and melancholy: victory dance.
Doesn't it look like fun when Rocky does it? Raising your hands above your head and dancing around victoriously can provide one with the illusory feeling of just having achieved victory. Try it. It's difficult to feel sad or angry during a victory dance. Have you ever seen anybody crying tears of sadness as they performed a victory dance? Or making an angry face? It doesn’t even matter if you haven’t accomplished anything. Or have you? Aren't you feeling a little less like a loser and more like a winner? Losers don't get to put their arms up in the air while dancing around. No, that's an activity reserved for winners.
And if anybody looks at you funny, all you have to do is start chanting, “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!”* How can anybody knock you for that? If someone makes a snide remark, who’s the asshole then? It is probably best not to do this in countries other than the United States though.
*Possible side effect of the "U.S.A." chant includes getting pumped up, so use sparingly. Works against ghosts.
Doesn't it look like fun when Rocky does it? Raising your hands above your head and dancing around victoriously can provide one with the illusory feeling of just having achieved victory. Try it. It's difficult to feel sad or angry during a victory dance. Have you ever seen anybody crying tears of sadness as they performed a victory dance? Or making an angry face? It doesn’t even matter if you haven’t accomplished anything. Or have you? Aren't you feeling a little less like a loser and more like a winner? Losers don't get to put their arms up in the air while dancing around. No, that's an activity reserved for winners.
And if anybody looks at you funny, all you have to do is start chanting, “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!”* How can anybody knock you for that? If someone makes a snide remark, who’s the asshole then? It is probably best not to do this in countries other than the United States though.
*Possible side effect of the "U.S.A." chant includes getting pumped up, so use sparingly. Works against ghosts.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The Pitch - Live-Action M.A.S.K.
So one of the reasons I started a blog is so that I can pitch ideas that I want to see happen. Some might be wondering, "Why don't you make these happen?" Well, because they're pretty stupid (I keep the good ones to myself). Besides, if I send out my ideas into the ether that is the internet and some other schmuck goes and makes them happen, then wasn't I really the one responsible for making them happen because it was my idea and I put it out there in the first place?
___
Some of my friends say it can't be done. Some say we're not technologically advanced enough to shoot it, or that it's simply unshootable on a budget, or that there's zero interest in the property. But I don't believe that, and neither should you. In my lifetime, there could be, should be, needs to be a live-action M.A.S.K. movie. I'm not talking about that movie with Eric Stoltz where he has the genetic defect that causes his facial bones to grow imprisoning him in a figurative and literal mask. I'm talking about M.A.S.K., Mobile Armored Strike Kommand. Dudes wearing masks. With powers. And vehicles that transform. Into other vehicles.
M.A.S.K. was a watershed animated children's program and toyline in the mid-1980s. It combined elements of the highly popular G.I. Joe and Transformers franchises. The program's storyline followed an anti-criminal organization, M.A.S.K., as they crossed paths with an evil organization, V.E.N.O.M. (Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem).
The main draw of the series were their transforming vehicles and power bestowing masks. Vehicles and headquarters could generally assume both a normal form, and an enhanced combat form. For instance, the Gator was an orange Jeep 4x4 that had the ability to deploy a hydroplane, and the Switchblade was a helicopter that could transform into a jet. Furthermore, every vehicle was accompanied by a figure who in turn came with a unique mask that granted him or her various abilities, such as Dusty Hayes(packaged with the aforementioned Gator) whose Backlash mask "pretend[ed] to cause sonic waves." Another character, Cliff Dagger, came with a mask that "pretend[ed] to be a flame thrower." The toyline proved to be popular, although the program was short-lived, only lasting 75 episodes over two seasons.
So naturally, following the success of the live-action Transformers and G.I. Joe films, Hollywood would be jumping on the M.A.S.K. bandwagon, right? Wrong. As far as I know, there are no scripts in development. No buzz about whose going to play Matt Trakker. Nada. So what's the problem? Let's break it down.
Not technologically advanced enough
Now this clearly isn't the problem. Michael Bay has demonstrated that there's nothing you can't do with CG given the budget and the time that when loaded with explosions and devoid of logic won't be a bonafide blockbuster. And James Cameron has pushed the envelope even further, creating whole computer generated worlds in 3-D no less. So it would appear that technology is not the culprit preventing me from seeing people wearing masks pretending to cause sonic waves and pretending to shoot flames at each other.
Unshootable on a budget
Perhaps this one is debatable, and also goes hand in hand with argument three. Again referring to Michael Bay's Transformers and Stephen Sommers' G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, we see a conservative approach used to deliver a movie under budget that still manages to wow the audience. By carefully choosing to depict a smaller amount of the popular core characters, and cost-effective hiring of young-not-yet-star actors, both Sommers and Bay were able to free up a larger percentage of their budget for special effects. M.A.S.K. could easily copy this formula, choosing to stick with the main core characters from the first wave of toys while holding off on the new second wave characters until the possible sequel. (I don't think Jacques LaFleur would be missed.)
There's zero interest in the property
Now this clearly is not true. I'm interested in the property. At least one other fan whose site I referenced to write this article is interested in the property. So there are people out there who have their eye on the situation waiting to see what happens. And as Field of Dreams said, "If you build it, they will come." So why then hasn't Hollywood struck while the '80s toyline revival iron is hot?
M.A.S.K.'s second season and the French
Okay. I'll admit it. The second season of M.A.S.K. was a dumb idea. In the second season, the show venue moved to the automobile race track. The same characters were there. Both factions remained present. Only now everything was racing themed, so as to coincide with the release of the third wave of toys which were all racing themed. Did any of this make sense? No, and perhaps that is a reason why Hollywood is reluctant to produce a feature length movie.
Then there's also DIC Entertainment, the French-American company that produced the show, and let's face it--Americans don't like the French. So there's a love-hate relationship with this Franco-American lovechild, and nobody wants to argue with the French for custody. So there you have the most compelling reason why an intellectually bankrupt Hollywood hasn't come sniffing around M.A.S.K.'s rear end for a chance at a most likely blockbuster hit. But if there are any Hollywood executives out there reading this, you should jump on this now. I'm telling you it's a done deal. You've got at least two tickets sold by the second week of opening, that's like -$0.46 after cost, so as long the budget is at least under -$0.46, you'll cut a profit. Heck, if it's really bad, I may just see it twice, and bring my friends along for the wreck. As long as it doesn't actually involve any of season two's car wrecks.
___
Some of my friends say it can't be done. Some say we're not technologically advanced enough to shoot it, or that it's simply unshootable on a budget, or that there's zero interest in the property. But I don't believe that, and neither should you. In my lifetime, there could be, should be, needs to be a live-action M.A.S.K. movie. I'm not talking about that movie with Eric Stoltz where he has the genetic defect that causes his facial bones to grow imprisoning him in a figurative and literal mask. I'm talking about M.A.S.K., Mobile Armored Strike Kommand. Dudes wearing masks. With powers. And vehicles that transform. Into other vehicles.
M.A.S.K. was a watershed animated children's program and toyline in the mid-1980s. It combined elements of the highly popular G.I. Joe and Transformers franchises. The program's storyline followed an anti-criminal organization, M.A.S.K., as they crossed paths with an evil organization, V.E.N.O.M. (Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem).
The main draw of the series were their transforming vehicles and power bestowing masks. Vehicles and headquarters could generally assume both a normal form, and an enhanced combat form. For instance, the Gator was an orange Jeep 4x4 that had the ability to deploy a hydroplane, and the Switchblade was a helicopter that could transform into a jet. Furthermore, every vehicle was accompanied by a figure who in turn came with a unique mask that granted him or her various abilities, such as Dusty Hayes(packaged with the aforementioned Gator) whose Backlash mask "pretend[ed] to cause sonic waves." Another character, Cliff Dagger, came with a mask that "pretend[ed] to be a flame thrower." The toyline proved to be popular, although the program was short-lived, only lasting 75 episodes over two seasons.
So naturally, following the success of the live-action Transformers and G.I. Joe films, Hollywood would be jumping on the M.A.S.K. bandwagon, right? Wrong. As far as I know, there are no scripts in development. No buzz about whose going to play Matt Trakker. Nada. So what's the problem? Let's break it down.
Not technologically advanced enough
Now this clearly isn't the problem. Michael Bay has demonstrated that there's nothing you can't do with CG given the budget and the time that when loaded with explosions and devoid of logic won't be a bonafide blockbuster. And James Cameron has pushed the envelope even further, creating whole computer generated worlds in 3-D no less. So it would appear that technology is not the culprit preventing me from seeing people wearing masks pretending to cause sonic waves and pretending to shoot flames at each other.
Unshootable on a budget
Perhaps this one is debatable, and also goes hand in hand with argument three. Again referring to Michael Bay's Transformers and Stephen Sommers' G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, we see a conservative approach used to deliver a movie under budget that still manages to wow the audience. By carefully choosing to depict a smaller amount of the popular core characters, and cost-effective hiring of young-not-yet-star actors, both Sommers and Bay were able to free up a larger percentage of their budget for special effects. M.A.S.K. could easily copy this formula, choosing to stick with the main core characters from the first wave of toys while holding off on the new second wave characters until the possible sequel. (I don't think Jacques LaFleur would be missed.)
There's zero interest in the property
Now this clearly is not true. I'm interested in the property. At least one other fan whose site I referenced to write this article is interested in the property. So there are people out there who have their eye on the situation waiting to see what happens. And as Field of Dreams said, "If you build it, they will come." So why then hasn't Hollywood struck while the '80s toyline revival iron is hot?
M.A.S.K.'s second season and the French
Okay. I'll admit it. The second season of M.A.S.K. was a dumb idea. In the second season, the show venue moved to the automobile race track. The same characters were there. Both factions remained present. Only now everything was racing themed, so as to coincide with the release of the third wave of toys which were all racing themed. Did any of this make sense? No, and perhaps that is a reason why Hollywood is reluctant to produce a feature length movie.
Then there's also DIC Entertainment, the French-American company that produced the show, and let's face it--Americans don't like the French. So there's a love-hate relationship with this Franco-American lovechild, and nobody wants to argue with the French for custody. So there you have the most compelling reason why an intellectually bankrupt Hollywood hasn't come sniffing around M.A.S.K.'s rear end for a chance at a most likely blockbuster hit. But if there are any Hollywood executives out there reading this, you should jump on this now. I'm telling you it's a done deal. You've got at least two tickets sold by the second week of opening, that's like -$0.46 after cost, so as long the budget is at least under -$0.46, you'll cut a profit. Heck, if it's really bad, I may just see it twice, and bring my friends along for the wreck. As long as it doesn't actually involve any of season two's car wrecks.
Time Train - Chapter 1
This is a semi-original serial that I am writing. If you enjoy it, I plan to write many chapters more. If not, I'll probably still continue to write it.
___
Rhubarb T. Porterhut III had just finished his greatest creation. Although he thought he had reached the acme of his creativity when he bred the first ever self-epilating African Husky, he was clearly mistaken. For never could he have conceived that he would one day create the world’s first time traveling steam-powered locomotive.
In the parlor of his home, with his arms thrust skyward, he threw his head back and yelled for all the heavens and his incredulous Terre Haute neighbors to hear.
“Yes, Florentine, I have finally done it this time! For surely human eyes have never gazed upon such a mechanical abnormality as this!”
The proud scientist/animal breeder called out to his petite and overly indulgent wife, Florentine, who stepped into the parlor and nodded at him, waving her hand in approval.
“Yes, Dear. You’ve finally done it indeed. But what is it, may I inquire?”
“Why it is the world’s ... nay, history’s first ever space-distance and time-duration modulating traversal apparatus.”
Florentine shook her head. She was used to her husband’s long-winded speeches, laden with incomprehensible scientific jargon. As with the rest of his creations, this one was lost on her meager intellect.
“But, Dear, it appears to me to be a locomotive… in our house. Dear, a locomotive in our house.”
“Yes, Florentine, is it not grand? With this infernal machine, I will embark upon great adventures through space and time. Why, perhaps I will visit yesteryear, and learn the God’s honest truths about our nation’s forefathers. Or to the future, to learn of our country’s fascinating new endeavors.”
“You do that, Dear. As long as you and Columbus are back in time for supper.”
Columbus barked when he heard his name. The overly precocious African Husky was not one for adventure, and quickly began shedding what little hair he had at the thought of time travel. Rhubarb gestured wildly at him, while Florentine headed back into the kitchen.
“Come, Columbus! We must embark now for who knows what Father Time has in store for us?”
___
Rhubarb T. Porterhut III had just finished his greatest creation. Although he thought he had reached the acme of his creativity when he bred the first ever self-epilating African Husky, he was clearly mistaken. For never could he have conceived that he would one day create the world’s first time traveling steam-powered locomotive.
In the parlor of his home, with his arms thrust skyward, he threw his head back and yelled for all the heavens and his incredulous Terre Haute neighbors to hear.
“Yes, Florentine, I have finally done it this time! For surely human eyes have never gazed upon such a mechanical abnormality as this!”
The proud scientist/animal breeder called out to his petite and overly indulgent wife, Florentine, who stepped into the parlor and nodded at him, waving her hand in approval.
“Yes, Dear. You’ve finally done it indeed. But what is it, may I inquire?”
“Why it is the world’s ... nay, history’s first ever space-distance and time-duration modulating traversal apparatus.”
Florentine shook her head. She was used to her husband’s long-winded speeches, laden with incomprehensible scientific jargon. As with the rest of his creations, this one was lost on her meager intellect.
“But, Dear, it appears to me to be a locomotive… in our house. Dear, a locomotive in our house.”
“Yes, Florentine, is it not grand? With this infernal machine, I will embark upon great adventures through space and time. Why, perhaps I will visit yesteryear, and learn the God’s honest truths about our nation’s forefathers. Or to the future, to learn of our country’s fascinating new endeavors.”
“You do that, Dear. As long as you and Columbus are back in time for supper.”
Columbus barked when he heard his name. The overly precocious African Husky was not one for adventure, and quickly began shedding what little hair he had at the thought of time travel. Rhubarb gestured wildly at him, while Florentine headed back into the kitchen.
“Come, Columbus! We must embark now for who knows what Father Time has in store for us?”
Monday, January 25, 2010
Irene's Pioneer Chicken - Still making chicken right!
I love fried chicken. Hell, I love fried anything, but fried chicken especially. We have plenty of fried chicken options in Los Angeles. Aside from the usual fast food options like KFC, Popeye's, and Church's, there's also Dinah's, Roscoe's, and Honey Kettle. But my all time favorite, which most of my friends know, is Pioneer Chicken. Young people today probably don't remember Pioneer, but back in the '80s they used to compete directly with KFC, back when they still served center breasts.
There is only the one Pioneer Chicken left in LA now, and that is Irene's Pioneer Chicken on Olympic Blvd. There used to be two others, one in Echo Park and one in Silver Lake, but these have since closed down. Besides, I don't believe that they used the original recipes anymore. According to Irene, the owner of the Olympic Pioneer, there are still two others left in Southern California. At one time I had also heard of a mystical Pioneer in the Arizona desert, but cannot confirm that.
I have a relatively long history with Irene's Pioneer Chicken, even before she owned it. When I was a young child, the nearest Pioneer used to be less than ten blocks away. When it closed and became a fast food Chinese takeout, that left either the Echo Park and Olympic locations as the closest options. I like gizzards and the Echo Park location either didn't offer them or had such a poor rendition that we instead went to the Olympic location.
At the time, that Pioneer was owned by an amiable Korean gentleman, and over the years we learned quite a bit about him. He had been a high ranking diplomat in Korea, a truth visible from his demeanor which was always dignified and professional. He had moved his family to the US in order that his children would have more opportunities to succeed. The fact that he left a high ranking position only to find himself in a much more blue collar job never kept him from dealing respectfully with both his customers as well as himself.
Pioneer Chicken lay along the route between my home and university, so I found myself dining there more frequently while I was in college. The other members of my family were also frequent customers, and he would often greet us with a smile, tossing in a free drink or another piece of chicken whenever we went. In a world where fewer and fewer businesses are family operated, and where employees come and go, it was nice to have some familiarity and an interpersonal connection. So imagine my shock when a couple of years ago I stopped by the Pioneer and there was Irene, whom I had never seen before, standing behind the counter.
Irene explained that the previous owner's wife had been wanting him to retire. However he didn't want to just close the business, so he ended up selling it to a relative, Irene. He couldn't have made a better choice. Irene is a very friendly and generous lady, not much unlike the older gentleman who had previously occupied her post. I've continued on as a regular customer, and have gotten to know her as well. She still prepares the food using the same recipes and methods along with the help of Lorenzo, the cook and a holdover from the previous ownership. It looks as though business has grown since then, and I hope it continues.
In all of this I realize I have talked very little about the actual food. It is good. Very good in fact. I could write volumes on what I like about their chicken. But I don't think I have to. Most of that has already been summed up in my feelings about the people who run it--for without them, it would be just another fried chicken place.
This picture was taken at a previous date. It only shows the gizzards and spicy rice. I had Pioneer Chicken tonight, but it was pretty much gone by the time it hit the table, so I wasn't able to take a picture.
Irene's Pioneer Chicken
5970 W Olympic Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90036
(323) 954-0454
Closed on Sundays
There is only the one Pioneer Chicken left in LA now, and that is Irene's Pioneer Chicken on Olympic Blvd. There used to be two others, one in Echo Park and one in Silver Lake, but these have since closed down. Besides, I don't believe that they used the original recipes anymore. According to Irene, the owner of the Olympic Pioneer, there are still two others left in Southern California. At one time I had also heard of a mystical Pioneer in the Arizona desert, but cannot confirm that.
I have a relatively long history with Irene's Pioneer Chicken, even before she owned it. When I was a young child, the nearest Pioneer used to be less than ten blocks away. When it closed and became a fast food Chinese takeout, that left either the Echo Park and Olympic locations as the closest options. I like gizzards and the Echo Park location either didn't offer them or had such a poor rendition that we instead went to the Olympic location.
At the time, that Pioneer was owned by an amiable Korean gentleman, and over the years we learned quite a bit about him. He had been a high ranking diplomat in Korea, a truth visible from his demeanor which was always dignified and professional. He had moved his family to the US in order that his children would have more opportunities to succeed. The fact that he left a high ranking position only to find himself in a much more blue collar job never kept him from dealing respectfully with both his customers as well as himself.
Pioneer Chicken lay along the route between my home and university, so I found myself dining there more frequently while I was in college. The other members of my family were also frequent customers, and he would often greet us with a smile, tossing in a free drink or another piece of chicken whenever we went. In a world where fewer and fewer businesses are family operated, and where employees come and go, it was nice to have some familiarity and an interpersonal connection. So imagine my shock when a couple of years ago I stopped by the Pioneer and there was Irene, whom I had never seen before, standing behind the counter.
Irene explained that the previous owner's wife had been wanting him to retire. However he didn't want to just close the business, so he ended up selling it to a relative, Irene. He couldn't have made a better choice. Irene is a very friendly and generous lady, not much unlike the older gentleman who had previously occupied her post. I've continued on as a regular customer, and have gotten to know her as well. She still prepares the food using the same recipes and methods along with the help of Lorenzo, the cook and a holdover from the previous ownership. It looks as though business has grown since then, and I hope it continues.
In all of this I realize I have talked very little about the actual food. It is good. Very good in fact. I could write volumes on what I like about their chicken. But I don't think I have to. Most of that has already been summed up in my feelings about the people who run it--for without them, it would be just another fried chicken place.
This picture was taken at a previous date. It only shows the gizzards and spicy rice. I had Pioneer Chicken tonight, but it was pretty much gone by the time it hit the table, so I wasn't able to take a picture.
Irene's Pioneer Chicken
5970 W Olympic Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90036
(323) 954-0454
Closed on Sundays
Sunday, January 24, 2010
New segment! Celebrity Sightings - Luke Perry
I live in Los Angeles where quite a few celebrities live, plus I used to work at a Mail Boxes, Etc. where a lot of actors and Hollywood types used to have mailboxes. Now I can't talk about their mail, but I can talk about some of my interactions with them. These will be all 100% true. Today's edition is about Luke Perry.
Luke Perry actually lives across from my grandma, so I've seen him quite a bit. He's nice enough, waving hello from across the street to my grandma, his ever present baseball cap pulled down low. Quite a few times he's had a large truck and trailer outside his house as he's quite the dirt bike enthusiast.
Well Mr. Perry also had a mailbox at the Mail Boxes, Etc. at which I used to work. His wife (I believe ex-wife, now), Minnie, used to always pick up the mail. She is beyond sweet, and is a very lovely woman. Now when your box got too full, we had to empty the box and hold the mail so that you would have to sign for it. This was to ensure that people picked up their mail regularly. Well one day Mr. Perry came in, and, well, here's the script:
MIDNIGHTHUNNYRUN
Mr. Perry, we're holding a lot of mail for you, do you want to sign for it?
MidnightHunnyRun holds up the bag for Luke Perry to see, and Mr. Perry stares at it.
(beat)
Luke Perry sighs.
(beat)
LUKE PERRY
Fuck.
(beat)
I'll pick it up later.
Luke Perry leaves. And never comes back.
THE END
This was the one and only time I have ever talked to Luke Perry, despite the fact that he lives across the street from my grandma. I don't dislike him for it, but I still find it funny nonetheless. So that's the first of my celebrity sightings. Some are less interesting than that, but I have plenty. Stay tuned for episodes starring David Schwimmer, Heather Graham, and Susan Sarandon.
Luke Perry actually lives across from my grandma, so I've seen him quite a bit. He's nice enough, waving hello from across the street to my grandma, his ever present baseball cap pulled down low. Quite a few times he's had a large truck and trailer outside his house as he's quite the dirt bike enthusiast.
Well Mr. Perry also had a mailbox at the Mail Boxes, Etc. at which I used to work. His wife (I believe ex-wife, now), Minnie, used to always pick up the mail. She is beyond sweet, and is a very lovely woman. Now when your box got too full, we had to empty the box and hold the mail so that you would have to sign for it. This was to ensure that people picked up their mail regularly. Well one day Mr. Perry came in, and, well, here's the script:
MIDNIGHTHUNNYRUN
Mr. Perry, we're holding a lot of mail for you, do you want to sign for it?
MidnightHunnyRun holds up the bag for Luke Perry to see, and Mr. Perry stares at it.
(beat)
Luke Perry sighs.
(beat)
LUKE PERRY
Fuck.
(beat)
I'll pick it up later.
Luke Perry leaves. And never comes back.
THE END
This was the one and only time I have ever talked to Luke Perry, despite the fact that he lives across the street from my grandma. I don't dislike him for it, but I still find it funny nonetheless. So that's the first of my celebrity sightings. Some are less interesting than that, but I have plenty. Stay tuned for episodes starring David Schwimmer, Heather Graham, and Susan Sarandon.
No swimming in the dirt!
So recently (as in just yesterday) it was brought to my attention that swimming in the dirt is illegal in Santa Ana or some other place in California. Now I have no idea how you would do that in the first place, but why is it illegal? This brings up a number of concerns with the interpretation of the law. According to my friend Mike, who is in no way a lawyer:
- Treading water can be construed as swimming, thus is illegal.
- Diving into dirt is illegal. However diving into dirt to save a drowning person is legal.
- Walking, or crawling, through dirt is legal, as your feet are touching the ground. However the Australian crawl is illegal.
- Soil can be considered similar to dirt, thus illegal. We are undecided about sand.
- Doing the worm is illegal as it is simply the butterfly sans arms. (Clarification on this one attributed to A.)
Also, the question of mud's relationship to dirt in this situation was also brought up. As I see it, dirt is solid whereas mud is a suspension and therefore does not fall under the same law.
If anybody (with actual legal knowledge) can shed light on this law, it would be greatly appreciated.
- Treading water can be construed as swimming, thus is illegal.
- Diving into dirt is illegal. However diving into dirt to save a drowning person is legal.
- Walking, or crawling, through dirt is legal, as your feet are touching the ground. However the Australian crawl is illegal.
- Soil can be considered similar to dirt, thus illegal. We are undecided about sand.
- Doing the worm is illegal as it is simply the butterfly sans arms. (Clarification on this one attributed to A.)
Also, the question of mud's relationship to dirt in this situation was also brought up. As I see it, dirt is solid whereas mud is a suspension and therefore does not fall under the same law.
If anybody (with actual legal knowledge) can shed light on this law, it would be greatly appreciated.
Lefty's Chicago Pizzeria in San Diego
After a day of moderate to heavy lifting (and way too many Huell Howser impressions), friends Mike and Alana treated us to the best Chicago-style deep dish pizza San Diego has to offer, Lefty's Chicago Pizzeria. We got one pepperoni deep dish pizza and one sausage deep dish pizza. Pictured is the pepperoni (I didn't get a photo of the sausage, but you should be able to extrapolate).
Some notes on the magnitude of this pizza:
- Large enough to be a doggy bed for a toy breed.
- Could be a trampoline for a 1-2 month infant.
- Would make a decent drummers bench, if flipped upside down.*
- Would make an adequate toilet seat cover with plenty of padding and tomato sauce rump warmer.
- Toy plastic dinosaurs could conceivably sink into and be trapped in the sauce and cheese a la the La Brea Tar Pits.
I am no expert of pizzas, particularly Chicago-style deep dish (I'm from LA), but I very much enjoyed the pepperoni pizza which had a layer of pepperonis an 1/8 inch thick right above the dough. But I enjoyed the sausage not so much. The sausage was slightly blander and not what I would expect of pizza sausage. On the other hand, if there were whole Italian sausages hidden within, hint, hint...
In any case, if you find yourself in San Diego with a hankering for a pizza pie, I suggest you give this place a try. Closed Mondays.
Lefty's Chicago Pizzeria
North Park
3448 30th Street
San Diego, CA 92104
(619) 295-1720
Mission Hills
4030 Goldfinch Street
San Diego, CA 92103
(619) 299-4030
Lefty's Chicago Pizzeria
*Don't try this at home.
Some notes on the magnitude of this pizza:
- Large enough to be a doggy bed for a toy breed.
- Could be a trampoline for a 1-2 month infant.
- Would make a decent drummers bench, if flipped upside down.*
- Would make an adequate toilet seat cover with plenty of padding and tomato sauce rump warmer.
- Toy plastic dinosaurs could conceivably sink into and be trapped in the sauce and cheese a la the La Brea Tar Pits.
I am no expert of pizzas, particularly Chicago-style deep dish (I'm from LA), but I very much enjoyed the pepperoni pizza which had a layer of pepperonis an 1/8 inch thick right above the dough. But I enjoyed the sausage not so much. The sausage was slightly blander and not what I would expect of pizza sausage. On the other hand, if there were whole Italian sausages hidden within, hint, hint...
In any case, if you find yourself in San Diego with a hankering for a pizza pie, I suggest you give this place a try. Closed Mondays.
Lefty's Chicago Pizzeria
North Park
3448 30th Street
San Diego, CA 92104
(619) 295-1720
Mission Hills
4030 Goldfinch Street
San Diego, CA 92103
(619) 299-4030
Lefty's Chicago Pizzeria
*Don't try this at home.
Chicago Bulls at the LA Clippers 10/28/95 preseason
I finished pulling the highlights from my first game of this project. While watching the game I had a few observations, as well as remembered some things.
Remembered:
- When I first re-watched all these games, I got watching them down to 1 1/2 hours per game. The average NBA broadcast is 2 1/2 hours.
- How horrible the Clippers were then even with some talented young players. They're much better now.
New observations:
- I was surprised to hear in the pre-game show that Jordan thought they could win 70 games that season. Remember, this was even before the regular season began.
- The 3-point line was so much closer.
- I kind of miss the ever present scoreboard that is now present in all broadcast games, but it is nice being able to see more of what's happening on the floor.
And by the way, the Bulls won 116-94. No surprise there (although they had lost to that same Clipper team the night before).
Remembered:
- When I first re-watched all these games, I got watching them down to 1 1/2 hours per game. The average NBA broadcast is 2 1/2 hours.
- How horrible the Clippers were then even with some talented young players. They're much better now.
New observations:
- I was surprised to hear in the pre-game show that Jordan thought they could win 70 games that season. Remember, this was even before the regular season began.
- The 3-point line was so much closer.
- I kind of miss the ever present scoreboard that is now present in all broadcast games, but it is nice being able to see more of what's happening on the floor.
And by the way, the Bulls won 116-94. No surprise there (although they had lost to that same Clipper team the night before).
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