Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Inconsequential Time Travel Addendum - Consequential Time Travel

It has been brought to my attention that my presence at some of the events I listed might be a little more than inconsequential. I suppose trading pornography could have serious repercussions, but when you consider the taboo around such things, it's unlikely anybody would dare break the obscenity laws of the time by willingly going to the authorities to present it as evidence of a time traveler from the future. And were I at a Greek orgy I know the appearance of a clothed, Asian male would be jarring, but I think they would have more urgent matters to mind. But riding on the back of a triceratops? What harm could that do?

So I now present a list of things I would do with a time machine that would be more consequential:

- I would go back in time to tell myself not buy this or that thing of which there are too many instances to list.
- I would go back in time to tell myself not to order this/order that instead of which again there are too many instances to list.
- I would go back in time and tell John Delorean that he must insist on sticking with the 6-cylinder engine rather than going with the weaker and more compact 4-cylinder. And also that he should lay off of the cocaine. Who knows, maybe Doc Brown wouldn't have to wait to accelerate to 88 mph.
- I would murder George Lucas around 1994. Ditto for Harrison Ford in 2004.
- I would tell Woodrow Wilson he needs to calm down and rest a little bit.
- I would suggest Captain Smith of the R.M.S. Titanic that maybe it would be a good idea for the ice breaker to come around, thus avoiding a little film that appeared in 1997.
- I would stop Sirhan Sirhan from shooting Bobby Kennedy. I would not stop Lee Harvey Oswald though.
- I would tell myself not to chug that 2 liter of Hawaiian Punch right before watching "Pineapple Express."
- I would refuse to go to watch "The Englishman Who Came Up a Hill and Went Down a Mountain" with my family.
- I would tell Don Simpson that he must for the sake of future movie goers and television watchers lay off of the drugs and prostitutes since somebody needs to balance out Jerry Bruckheimer. Then I will list off all the movies and TV shows that Bruckheimer has produced since. I'm pretty sure that would sober him up some.
- I would tell M. Night Shyamalan after "Unbreakable" that he should quit while he was at the top of his game. On second thought, I would wait until after "The Happening."
- I would invest in the Asylum.

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