Shitty Movie Review - "Killdozer!"

Disclaimer: For some of my friends (you know who you are), refrain from reading this review until you've seen the film as there are some spoilers that, while they most likely won't lessen your love for the movie, might be better left unknown for the time being.
End disclaimer.

You know a movie will be good when people talk about it like a myth, but it is impossible to find a copy. Now I'd heard of "Killdozer!" through friends who in turn heard about it on the "Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien." It is impossible to buy a legitimate copy of "Killdozer!" but I was able to find a bootleg broadcast recording of it as an .avi file.

The film is based on a 1944 novella by Theodore Sturgeon. It took another 30 years before technology would reach the point that they could bring the novella to life.

The film does not strive to be anything more than what it is. Essentially everything you need to know is in the title: "Killdozer!" The author was able to sum up his story in a concise, straightforward, original one-word exclamation. It's a bulldozer that kills.

It is difficult to stress how amazing this movie is. Typically when I watch a movie, I try to tear it apart to see what I could do to push it back and forth over the line of common-sense film-making, to see how it could have been better, or at least smarter, then just the opposite to see how I could make it stupider. Usually I push harder for the stupider. "Killdozer!" managed to out-think me and go the extra step I would have done to defy all logic while still staying within the strict confines of the rules it sets for itself. In other words, you won't see Killdozer fly, but you will see it hiding and peeping out of the bushes, taunting people, and generally being a dick.

It is similar in plot to "Duel" which preceded it, and "Jaws" and "Christine" that followed it. Instead of a killer truck or shark, imagine a heavy bulldozer—a very slow bulldozer—that is slowly killing off the engineers and workers at an isolated Liberian construction site. I know what you're thinking—why can't they leave? Well, because they have job to do, dammit, and because they're lazy and can't run away from the unstoppable force that is Killdozer. In movies of this caliber, there is no shortage of idiocy amongst the principal characters. A character will make claims of a rogue bulldozer, yet no one will believe him and at the same time the bulldozer is clearly missing and no one else could have taken it. And no one goes looking for it. La-zee.

At one point two of the remaining characters stand at the top of a steep incline. One of them asks whether he thinks the incline is too steep for Killdozer to climb. The other character responds that, "given enough time, it can make roads anywhere."

One character, the foreman, refuses to walk further than ten feet, opting every time to hop into his jeep and drive the ten to fifteen feet to where he needs to go. It isn't until the end that he is forced to walk more than ten feet under his own strength.

Another character is so blatantly a closet homosexual it's remarkable that he even remained as is in the script. He constantly reminisces about the times he spent with his best friend, a "beautiful kid," who dies early on in the movie. He mentions getting into barroom brawls with him at his side and skinny dipping with him in Iraq. Then he invites others to join him for a midnight swim. He's always trying to pair off with one of the other guys. When it's suggested they form a threesome, he always refuses. One is enough for him.

This film has taught me many things. Why walk ten feet when you can drive? Bulldozers often go rogue. It's more important to bury your comrades than to try to stop a bulldozer from killing you. That an avalanche of small pebbles is life threatening. That rusty corrugated steel pipes make for a bad escape. That one and a half days is an impossible eternity. That Killdozer hates smoke.

I apologize for the lack of a picture, but this movie is so rad that even decent pictures are scarce.

My shitty movie rating: A perfect 10. This has to be one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. I laughed so hard I cried. It's like "Night of a 1000 Cats" or "The Wicker Man" good.

Celebrity Sightings - David Cross

Living in L.A., you bump into so many celebrities that sometimes you forget. Case in point, the time I saw David Cross at Souplantation. Now I'm not a particularly big fan of Souplantation (honestly I hate it). Their all-you-can-eat lunch feels like a rip off since meat is as scarce as a hippo at a hipster hip-hop fest. But for some reason I was there, by myself, when I saw David Cross, also looking somewhat dissatisfied, as he jotted notes down in a booklet. He was probably writing jokes about how Souplantation doesn't really offer as many soups as you would expect ("Souplantation, more like craplantation") and how they somehow managed to demeatify as much of their food as possible. Donny think crappy.

Killing Time in the Children's Section

A really good way to kill time is to go to the children's section of any bookstore and start reading books. You can accomplish a variety of things this way.

Firstly, you can learn new words and increase your vocabulary. Because children's books are aimed at children, the meanings of words can be easily discerned based on the context and images in the book.

Secondly, most children's books are short and yet many are story-driven with relatively simple plots. This makes children's books easy to understand while at the same time offering a very fast form of entertainment. In the amount of time it would take to read an adult novel, you could probably read over a dozen children's books. Imagine, that's twelve times the number of stories that are usually contained in a novel!

Thirdly, for parents, reading children's books in the children's section allows you to pre-screen books for your children. By reading the book first you gain an understanding of the material and can also select titles that are worthwhile.

Lastly, it's easy to miss simple life lessons as you grow up. A good way to learn about important themes like friendship, teamwork, or honesty is by reading children's books. Almost all children's books focus on some theme or moral making them invaluable as teaching tools.

So next time you have a few minutes to spare, head on over to the children's section of the bookstore where entertainment and learning abound.

Grilled Portabello Caprese Panini

After having eaten Skooby's and Carney's within the last week, I had to go a little lighter with dinner, so I opted with a panini. This particular panini was inspired by Caprese salads and Caprese sandwiches as well as a portabello panini I had at the L.A. Convention Center several years ago. The mushroom was a good alternative to protein, and the Caprese was refreshing. I only wished I had gotten a better mozzarella, since the one I got was a little dry for my liking.