Shitty Movie Review - The Wicker Man (2006)

I have been well aware of "The Wicker Man"'s reputation since it's theatrical release in 2006, and I had been meaning to watch it, but somehow just never got around to it. With many of the highlights of the film floating around the internet, I caught a mere glimpse that only whetted my appetite, but still I held off. That was until yesterday, and now I know how empty my life has been not having seen it. Colors are wore vibrant. Food tastes better. In short, "The Wicker Man" has changed my life.

I have always had a fondness for Nicolas Cage. On my list of actors whose movies I've seen the most, he ranks fourth (second if you only count starring roles). He deserves his own write-up, and I'll get to it eventually. In "The Wicker Man," he gives one of, if not the most memorable performances of his career. Delivering a bravura performance replete with classic Cage-isms and questionable acting decisions, the movie is further augmented with equally questionable direction by Neil Labute (who also wrote the screenplay) and inspired editing by Joel Plotch.

The plot of the movie follows Cage's character Edward Malus, a California police officer who, after witnessing a traumatic auto accident, finds himself called to the Washington state island of Summersisle by his estranged ex-fiancee Willow Woodward (played by constantly red-ringed, teary-eyed Kate Beahan) to investigate the disappearance of her daughter, Rowan. Once there, Cage is sucked into the mysteries of the island's community of predominantly female, lookalike beekeepers. There are numerous twists and turns as Cage learns that pretty much everything is not as it seems, and that everyone is in on the joke but him. The action and inadvertent comedy ramp up with stomach-pain-inducing laughter as Cage's character goes completely wacko in the end with some of the strangest dialog and set pieces ever committed to film.

Even the Youtube highlights don't do this film enough justice, as, in a rare case, the context of the clips actually makes them even more amusing than without. This movie really has to be seen to be believed. Nicolas Cage's performance straddles that fine line of "I really do care" to "I don't give a shit" acting, creating a multi-layered character portrayal that makes the viewer ponder, "Do I care?" (The answer is, "Hell yes, I do! This is hilarious!") Film and theater veteran Labute's direction further undermines any credibility the characters and story may have.

In short, this movie is truly a shitty movie masterpiece, fully deserving of it's cult status. Nicolas Cage has given many memorable performances, such as in "Moonstruck," "The Rock," "Adaptation," "Ghost Rider," and "Next," and "The Wicker Man" should be right there at the top. If you love shitty movies, there is no reason why this movie shouldn't be in your library.

My shitty movie rating: 10 turds out of 10. An instant classic!

(This review applies to the Unrated Edition.)

Anonymous comments now welcome

It was brought to my attention that my blog wouldn't allow for anonymous comments. I didn't know there was a setting for this, but after looking through the settings, lo and behold, there it was. So now anonymous comments should be welcome. But be forewarned: I know who you are. Because I'm psychic (but only in the state of California).

Top Ten Uses for Stainless Steel Forks

The stainless steel fork. So stainless, so steel. Here are some common uses for the fork.

1. catapult
2. entrenching tool
3. zester
4. crow bar
5. can opener
6. Wolverine claws
7. legs for potato feet
8. self-defense
9. grave marker
10. tabletop foodball goalposts (used in conjunction with #1)

The Pitch - Killer Babies video game

This idea has been percolating in my head for some time.
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I want to start by saying I love babies. But I often find myself thinking, "What would it be like to kick them?" As actually kicking a baby could be considered a despicable act no matter how evil the baby, I had to figure out an alternative. Enter "Killer Babies," the ultimate baby-kicking simulator. The basic premise is this: a large arena is filled with killer babies, and it is your job to clear the stadium before they can overwhelm you with their baby killing ways. With a game of this nature, I felt it would be best if it were casual, like an arcade game a la "Smash TV." As such, the Nintendo DS would be particularly well suited because of its portability and its touch-sensitive screen.

Gameplay is fairly simple. The player starts out with a full life bar and several lives which carry over to each round. The player's objective is to clear the arena of babies, but if the babies get close enough to the player before he or she can react, they begin eating away at the player's life bar. Once the life bar is depleted, the player loses a life. When all the lives are gone, the game is over. As more rounds are cleared, the number of babies increases along with their mobility and awareness to the player. The player earns a score by eliminating babies from the field and clearing levels, with score multipliers and time bonuses also awarded based on play.


(Concept art)

The game is displayed in a top-down view on the top DS screen. The player's character is always locked to the center of the screen except when panning. The stamina bar, score, and level are displayed at the top of the screen. When the baby count gets to ten or below, it is also displayed on the screen.

Prior to the start of each round, the player must pick a clear spot within the baby-populated stadium on which to drop their character. The player can control their character's movement by using the D-pad. By holding down the left shoulder button and using the D-pad, the player can pan the screen around to see other areas of the arena. Once inside the arena, the killer babies will converge on the player's character. Utilizing the DS stylus, the player can flick the stylus on the touch pad in the direction of a nearby baby to field goal kick them out of the stadium. Alternatively, the player can tap the stylus while their character is facing a nearby baby to pick them up. While holding up to a maximum of one baby, the player can still flick the stylus in order to kick other nearby babies. If the player wants to throw the baby, they only have to tap the stylus a second time on the touch pad. The location on the touch pad controls which direction you throw the baby, and the distance away from the center of the touch pad dictates how far you throw the baby. A hard throw near the edge of the arena will cause your character to chuck the baby out of the arena, while throwing the baby into a crowd of babies will knock them back.

The killer babies will also come in different varieties. Fat babies would be much harder to kick and throw out of the arena. Bipedal babies can walk on their legs for short periods of time at a faster rate, but are clumsy and sometimes resort back to crawling. If sick babies touch the player, they infect him or her depleting life for a short period of time. There would even be boss babies, giant baby-eating babies at whom the player has to hurl and kick other killer babies.

Arena layouts will also vary, with obstacles and pitfalls making it more difficult to maneuver. Same arenas will also be blacked out save for a central spotlight on the player's character and roving spotlights highlighting other areas around the arena.

Randomly generated power-ups will also grant the player enhanced abilities for a limited time. The speed power-up will increase the players overall movement speed. The kick power-up increases the players kicking strength. If a player kicks into a nearby crowd of babies while using this power-up, all the nearby babies will be booted from the arena. The throw power-up allows the player to throw babies farther as well as knock a greater amount of babies back with more force.

Minigames are also a possibility. There could be a target practice minigame in which the player tries to kick stationary babies at moving targets. There's baby dodgeball where the player faces off against another player, throwing babies at each other.

Aside from all this, there could be a career baby-kicking mode with RPG-like stats and leveling. Customized clothing options for the player's character. Custom designed arenas. Even custom babies. The possibilities are limitless

As you can see, I have put a great deal of thought into this game. I even changed the title from the original "Baby Kicker" to "Killer Babies" to avoid offending people. I have worked out all of the game mechanics and even mocked up some artwork, so there really is little left to do but to write the program. So if anyone out there is willing to help make this game a reality, please, please, please contact me.

Breakfast Sliders

In an effort to undo all the exercise and starvation of yesterday, I decided to have some breakfast sliders this morning. What are breakfast sliders you ask? A quarter pound beef patty topped with a slice of havarti cheese, an over medium fried egg, bacon, and grilled onions on a sesame seed bun. The onions, burger, and eggs were fried in the bacon drippings. (I suppose you could argue that the bacon was also fried in bacon drippings.)

Inspired by this creation, I am already developing the ultimate breakfast slider: 1/4 lb beef patty, syrup soaked pancake, mini Denver omelet, bacon, and homestyle fries between two mini Belgian waffles.

For those concerned about the fat content of the breakfast sliders, don't worry. I used lean ground sirloin and only 1 1/2 slices of bacon per burger, so health points for me there.

Time Train - Chapter 3

It's been a week since the last installment, so without further ado, here is chapter 3 of "Time Train."
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“Florentine! Florentine! I have returned! I have returned from the past!”

Rhubarb raced through the streets like a madman, an exultant, giddy madman. Columbus yowled as well, happily knowing that he would in fact be eating his supper in a timely fashion.

Rhubarb burst through the front doors of his house like a flaming hog looking to dunk itself in the nearest unoccupied horse trough. There, across from the empty space where once sat the locomotive, was the ever accommodating Florentine, peacefully knitting a scarf that was perhaps more than twice too wide the length of what a scarf should have been. At the sight of his lovely wife, Rhubarb welled up with pride, lifting her up in his arms and spinning her around. And all through this Columbus released both hair and yips of joy while Florentine continued calmly completing her scarf.

“What grandiose achievement has found you today, Dear?”

“Oh, my darling wife, how have you been since I left? For it was minutes ago that I departed and several minutes thereafter that I skipped in order to reach you at this hour!”

Rhubarb danced around his wife, skipping to mimic his choice words.

“But, Dear, you have only been gone for maybe three quarters of an hour. That doesn’t seem nearly enough time for anything extraordinary to take place.”

“Do you not see? It is because I have bent time to my very will. For Columbus and I have accelerated through time such that, why, we are mere minutes younger than when we first activated the machine than we should be had I not activated the machine at all.”

At the moment Columbus heard his name, he elected not to acknowledge his part in the experiment, lest he should be volunteered again to act as fellow pioneer and co-pilot. His supper was enough welcomed adventure for him.

“Well, I never presume to know by what means or how you do what it is that you do, but I am proud of you nonetheless. And I am glad that you managed to accomplish all of this before the evening, Dear.”

The ecstatic Rhubarb planted a loving kiss on his young wife’s brow before striking a pose of success and achievement incomparable. And as Florentine had just finished her unusually fat scarf, she stood up and released an ever grateful Columbus from Rhubarb’s back sack.

“Now wash up, Dear, supper will be ready in an hour.”

But Rhubarb could not hear his kindhearted wife, for in his ears rang the voices of prospect and enterprise—for his next trip would be into the past.

Obama's State of the Zombie Union Address

It has been a little over a week since President Obama delivered his State of the Union Address, and while he highlighted many of the questions that concern our nation, there is one that he neglected to address: his stance on classic zombies versus fast zombies and what our nation is prepared to do in the face of an impending zombie epidemic. When Obama was campaigning for the U.S. presidency there were greater issues at hand, thus the zombie question was put on the back burner. But Obama has had time enough to make his feelings clear concerning robotics and the need to keep a diligent eye on developments. Furthermore with our economy stabilizing and plans in place to bring troops back from Afghanistan and Iraq, I believe it is time for Obama to fully address the situation, as America is poised to be one of the nations most vulnerable to a zombie epidemic. But since he seems to be busy, I will help by breaking down the issues so that it might provide some clearer guidance with regards to what we should do in a zombie epidemic.

By first identifying the traits of fast zombies versus classic zombies, Obama and other policy makers can formulate a plan to prevent against any outbreaks. I find it a point of contention that anyone would even consider the possibility of fast zombies, but we should leave nothing to chance since a zombie epidemic is nothing to take lightly.

Classic Zombies
Classic zombies are those found in the films of George Romero, such as the original "Night of the Living Dead" and original "Dawn of the Dead." Although they were referred to as ghouls and not zombies in "Night of the Living Dead," for all intents and purposes we will consider them zombies. They consist of the recently deceased (as zombies require a head, decapitated persons cannot turn into zombies) and move at a slow rate owing largely to their decaying muscle mass. They are singularly minded, having a relentless, driving desire to feed on human flesh. They are susceptible to multiple gunshots, single gunshots to the head, extreme blunt force trauma, fire, acid, and anything else that would normally break down human flesh. It is unknown what causes the dead to rise.

Fast Zombies
Fast zombies, or modern zombies, can be found in movies like the "Dawn of the Dead" remake by Zack Snyder and "28 Days Later," and video games like Resident Evil 5 and Left 4 Dead. While some of these media do not technically contain zombies, for all intents and purposes we will treat them as zombies. In some cases being bitten, i.e. infected, causes death which then leads to zombification. In other cases, zombification can be caused by viruses inflicted on still-living people. These zombies are highly ambulatory and sometimes are even faster and stronger than they were before becoming zombies. They are pretty much susceptible to the same modes of death as classic zombies.

Depending on which type of zombie is deemed a more likely and impending threat, there are considerable security situations of which to take account. In either case, zombies will multiply rapidly, so it is necessary to take action as soon as any zombie outbreak is identified.

For classic zombies, hospitals will need to take care to make sure that anyone near death is secured in their hospital beds. Morgues and mortuaries will also need to make sure their premises are locked down from the outside. Classic zombies are not intelligent, but a mass of undead could force a weak door open. The military will have to mobilize to maintain order and clean up the mess, as vigilantism will only further exacerbate the situation. A thorough, methodical approach toward containment should stem any outbreak, if caught early on. As all classic zombies are dead, there is no need to capture them alive, and their bodies should be incinerated to prevent the spread of general diseases.

It is much more difficult in the case of fast zombies. An epidemic under these circumstances would spread so quickly that whole urban centers would likely approach a near 100% infection rate within days because of the population density. Therefore it is a necessity that the military be mobilized as quickly as humanly possible to neutralize the zombies. If still in the early stages, the center of the zombie outbreak would have to be quarantined with mass roadblocks being a prudent decision. With their mobility, fast zombies pose the greatest problem in terms of containment, and it is possible that nuclear strikes and carpet bombing might be the only way to exterminate the zombies and prevent them from spreading. Zombification due to viral infection could be reversible, but it is in this writers humble opinion that we let these zombies burn. It is far too risky preserving live, infected undead.

These plans are but suggestions to the Obama administration. There are probably other issues that I haven't addressed that should also be accounted for in a zombie infection. However it should be stressed that no precaution too small should be overlooked when it comes to zombies. Zombies are a serious threat, and if given an opportunity, will spread like a wildfire across the landscape of America if not properly handled with the utmost care. For if so goes the United State, Mexico, Canada, and the rest of the world would truly find themselves screwed.

Yokai of the Week - Tankororin

Tankororin is an unharvested persimmon that turns into a yokai.

Never try to dunk over a trash can on a 10' rim yelling "Chambers" in front of your friends if you're 5'6", Asian, and have never dunked before

To attempt to do so is a recipe for disaster. Seriously. Don't try this. I can't stress that enough.

For if Tom Chambers is the best dunking role model you can think of, you're in big trouble. Sure, he had the one big dunk, but that was on 6'1" Mark Jackson. Plus Tom Chambers is like a 6'10" white dude. There are probably a hundred better players/dunkers than Tom Chambers. Understandably to invoke the name of Jordan or Nique perhaps conveys too lofty an expectation, but there are plenty of better than average players who were solid dunkers--Latrell Sprewell, Michael Finley, and Kevin Johnson to name a few.

So before you go and make yourself look foolish, try picking a better dunking role model's name to call out. Trust me. You'll thank me later.

Shitty Movies vs. Bad Movies

It has been brought to my attention that some of my posts are too long for a blog. I noticed it, too, so here is a short entry to break things up.

I don't like bad movies, but I love shitty movies. But what's the difference?

Shitty movies are movies that are incompetent in some way, shape, or form. Sometimes it's lazy acting, which is occasionally the fault of lazy directing (almost any Nicolas Cage movie after "Leaving Las Vegas"). Sometimes it's poor writing or a lack of plot (any Michael Bay movie). Or post production work (including editing and special effects). But whatever the case may be, shitty movies are still entertaining and/or comedic, although not intentionally. Shitty movies are always far more watchable than bad movies.

Bad movies are movies that are incompetent and unwatchable. There is usually no redeeming feature in a bad movie. You will almost always never watch a bad movie a second time, that is if you can even get through it the first time. All of this is subject to personal opinion of course, as someone's shitty movie may be a bad movie to someone else.

Shitty Movie of the Year 2009: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (It is incompetent on almost every level, which makes it great, especially if you know Street Fighter!)

Top Ten Yokai

Yokai are Japanese supernatural monsters. These are some of my favorites.

1. kappa
2. kamaitachi
3. rokurokubi
3. tankororin
4. futakuchi onna
5. waira
6. kamikiri
7. umibozu
8. karakasa
9. tsuchikorobi
10. nekomata

A look back at the original SNL

It's strange. I've recently finished watching the first five years of Saturday Night Live and have taken the time to reflect on my experience with the show as well as that of my parents. My acquaintance with SNL has spanned about 18 years, and I am now roughly at the age my parents were when the show first premiered and when they became fans. So it is strange to me to compare my feelings about SNL during it's formative years with those of my parents way back when.

My SNL experience probably began around 1992. For me, I largely associate SNL with that year's outstanding cast that consisted of Ellen Cleghorne, Chris Farley, Phil Hartman, Melanie Hutsell, Michael McKean, Tim Meadows, Mike Myers, Kevin Nealon, Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, David Spade, Julia Sweeney, Al Franken, Norm MacDonald, Jay Mohr, and Sarah Silverman. And while it's become passe to say that SNL is stale, or no longer edgy with each passing year, I'd like to believe that this group was a high point in the history of SNL. There are arguably bigger stars from earlier iterations, but there were few lineups that featured as strong an ensemble, as they created memorable characters and sketches together. Although we mourned the losses of the talented Chris Farley and Phil Hartman, most of the rest of these actors are still steadily at work today, with at least two of them, Myers and Sandler, transformed into bona fide movie stars. So how does that compare with the original cast?

Dan Akroyd, John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, Laraine Newman, and Gilda Radner. Bill Murray would later join the cast following Chase's departure, with Michael O'Donoghue, Tom Davis, Al Franken, Don Novello, and Paul Shaffer featured more and more up through 1980. That was a lot of talent to contain on one stage, but back in 1975, they were just kids, the Not Ready For Primetime Players. It took the show a while to find its rhythm. The format of the first episode hosted by George Carlin was nothing like the show today. Or even like the shows a few weeks away. Heck, even the title of the show was different, being originally named "NBC's Saturday Night" as Howard Cosell's ABC program held the rights to the eventual title. Carlin only performed stand up in several bits and wasn't featured in any of the sketches. Two musical guests, Billy Preston and Janis Ian, each performed two pieces. And two comedians, Andy Kaufman and Valri Bromfield, had featured acts.

The early shows more resembled the variety shows of the time than they do today's sketch driven show. But the group that Lorne Michaels assembled was talented, and it was hard to deny that. So as the show continued, the focus shifted more toward the Not Ready For Primetime Players and their skits. Where once sketches were constructed around the host with the SNL cast supporting him or her, the sketches started focusing on the Not Ready For Primetime Players with the hosts playing support. Certain characters and sketches became recurring favorites, and stars were made.

Watching it fresh, not all of the sketches are comedy classics. But what was evident from watching an early SNL episode, and what is lacking from the show nowadays, was that electric energy in the air. This show was doing something new and innovative, and it was damn funny, too. First season episodes frequently had airtime to kill with the hosts asked to fill time, but that added to the sense of newness and spontaneity. Now most SNL episodes run like clockwork with fewer genuine moments. A lot of people give Jimmy Fallon flak for not having been able to keep a straight face in sketches, but he was having fun and enjoying the moment. It seems almost absurd to dislike someone, even an actor in the sketch, for laughing at something that's supposed to be funny.

A lot of early sketches had content which could be deemed questionable today, such as one that featured Chevy Chase slowly rolling a joint, pulling up his sleeve and tying a rubber tube around his arm, before attempting to shove the unlit joint into his vein. Don Pardo (Yup, he was there from the beginning) delivers the killer punchline, "Why do you think they call it dope?" Having grown up in the age of cultural sensitivity and political correctness, we're so concerned about how others might feel that there's a lot of fun lost. I think that Belushi's samurai Futaba was a wonderful homage to chanbara (samurai) characters, as his portrayal, while comical, was far less parody than it was a strange appreciation for the stoicism of Japanese samurai.

When I asked my mom and dad separately about SNL, they both smiled. My father, a Japanese immigrant, was living and working in New York when the show debuted. He introduced SNL to my mother some years later when he moved to L.A. and courted her. My father still remembers that first cast, and laughed when he thought about the Coneheads. My mother was particularly tickled by Todd diLamuca and Lisa Loopner, the Nerds. Just saying, "That was so funny I forgot to laugh," causes her to giggle hysterically.

I came into the picture a little after the original SNL finished up its run in 1980. Another 12 years after that I picked up where my parents left off watching the show. I recalled later how my father had a fondness for movies starring some of the original cast members, a fondness which he passed on to me. My mother, too, was also the one who introduced me to National Lampoon's Animal House when I was very young. My parents still watch the show now, irregularly, but somehow I doubt that it holds the same amusement and place in their hearts as those first five years did. And I suppose I could say the same about myself and when I first starting watching Operaman, and Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, and Simon who likes to do drawings.