I have way more than twenty, but I'll start with this lot. Some of these I repeat all the time. I won't mention where they're from so you can have fun guessing. For Sister C, only list the movie title initials since you have an unfair advantage. Also, you can add the correct response since some of these have equally good follow-up answers.
1. But how in the name of Zeus' BUTTHOLE! ... did you get out of your cell? I only ask because in our current situation, well, it could prove to be useful information. MAYBE!
2. I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly.
3. Look at that subtle off-white coloring. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh my God, it even has a watermark!
4. It's Marvin - your cousin, Marvin BERRY. You know that new sound you're looking for? Well, listen to this.
5. You. You are still dangerous. You can be my wingman anytime.
6. Please, God. No. You're one of them, aren't you?
7. Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes.
8. We're gonna need a bigger boat.
9. Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.
10. Zey dezerve to be 'ere mo zan we.
11. Littering and ... littering and ... littering and smokin' the reefer.
12. This is all his fault! He tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no better.
13. I live my life a quarter mile at a time.
14. And Leon's getting larger.
15. Phil? Phil Connors? I thought it was you!
16. Sir, you are talking to a nigger!
17. I have a meeting in ... men's room.
18. Say it! Say it! He was my boyfriend!
19. They're coming to get you, Barbara.
20. You son of a bitch, you left the bodies and you only moved the head stones. You only moved the head stones. Why? Why?
Saturday, April 24, 2010
The Pitch - The Ladybirds
Every spring you can find gardening centers selling ladybugs to rid your garden of aphids and other bug pests. They either come in bags or little cardboard cups. If you've ever held a ladybug, then you know that they emit a foul chemical that irritates your skin—it's one of their defense mechanisms. Well it got me thinking about a movie idea. Like Locusts or Mosquito, you could have ladybugs terrorizing people for reasons unknown—that's not important. What is important is the awesome movie mock-up cover I made.
Yes, The Ladybirds could be coming to a theater near you to invade the peaceful Bodega Bay, or some other such place. All that is needed are a bunch of young, attractive, vapid starlets, a nerdy entomologist who gets eaten five minutes before the climax, and a bunch of real and model ladybugs. Forget the CG stuff, models are far more believable anyway.
As for plot, does it really matter? None of these types of movies have a plot worth following. Just have the bugs invade, create a panic, and start killing people off slowly. As long as the movies shows a little skin and a few grisly death scenes, the target audience will be more or less engaged.
So there you go, an inspired movie idea that I'm offering to Hollywood for free. But if anyone is looking for a producer or a nerdy entomologist-type, they can go ahead and tap me for the role as a thank-you.
Yes, The Ladybirds could be coming to a theater near you to invade the peaceful Bodega Bay, or some other such place. All that is needed are a bunch of young, attractive, vapid starlets, a nerdy entomologist who gets eaten five minutes before the climax, and a bunch of real and model ladybugs. Forget the CG stuff, models are far more believable anyway.
As for plot, does it really matter? None of these types of movies have a plot worth following. Just have the bugs invade, create a panic, and start killing people off slowly. As long as the movies shows a little skin and a few grisly death scenes, the target audience will be more or less engaged.
So there you go, an inspired movie idea that I'm offering to Hollywood for free. But if anyone is looking for a producer or a nerdy entomologist-type, they can go ahead and tap me for the role as a thank-you.
Points to Consider When Shopping For a New Refrigerator
Today I went refrigerator shopping. We looked at the usual points of interest, i.e. energy usage, capacity, and layout—but I also checked for a number of factors that most people are unaware about.
As technology continues to advance, so do refrigerators. Nowadays, many refrigerators have built in computers that monitor temperature as well as handle water and ice dispensation. With such developments there should be growing concern regarding the refrigerator's place in our lives, since it is a growing possibility that advanced refrigerators may one day be sentient. Therefore savvy consumers should be more selective in their decisions.
I opt away from the top fridge/bottom freezer combination. If the refrigerator were to become sentient, then fighting it would be an issue. A bottom freezer refrigerator gives it a fighting advantage since the freezer is usually about knee height. The refrigerator could theoretically push the freezer drawer out taking out your legs, then finish you off with a fridge door to the chin. It's a perfect one-two combination.
Size is also an important issue. Most people want a large refrigerator as a larger size equals a greater capacity, but I say that you shouldn't get a refrigerator larger than you're capable of fighting off. A 3/4 refrigerator is appropriate for most single people, but only couples or established families should really consider a full-size. Indeed, a full-size refrigerator likely requires two fully-grown adults to combat it, so keep that in mind.
Lastly is the question of whether to get a water/ice dispensing refrigerator. I tested many a refrigerator on its dispenser placement, delivering mock jabs to the dispenser paddles. This becomes key when the refrigerator is attacking you, since it should be difficult for the refrigerator to put up a good fight if you're punching it in the control gut and forcing it to barf out water and ice cubes. But conversely, the refrigerator could use the dispenser to its advantage as a defensive mechanism to keep you at bay, or as a means of gloating over your defeated body by spewing water and ice onto your unconscious face—it's really the refrigerator's version of teabagging.
So next time you need to shop for a refrigerator, keep all this in mind, aside from issues like how cold the freezer gets and whether it's large enough to store several severed hands and heads. Because when you least expect it, the refrigerator may very well go after you, and when that happens you will be glad you thought ahead.
As technology continues to advance, so do refrigerators. Nowadays, many refrigerators have built in computers that monitor temperature as well as handle water and ice dispensation. With such developments there should be growing concern regarding the refrigerator's place in our lives, since it is a growing possibility that advanced refrigerators may one day be sentient. Therefore savvy consumers should be more selective in their decisions.
I opt away from the top fridge/bottom freezer combination. If the refrigerator were to become sentient, then fighting it would be an issue. A bottom freezer refrigerator gives it a fighting advantage since the freezer is usually about knee height. The refrigerator could theoretically push the freezer drawer out taking out your legs, then finish you off with a fridge door to the chin. It's a perfect one-two combination.
Size is also an important issue. Most people want a large refrigerator as a larger size equals a greater capacity, but I say that you shouldn't get a refrigerator larger than you're capable of fighting off. A 3/4 refrigerator is appropriate for most single people, but only couples or established families should really consider a full-size. Indeed, a full-size refrigerator likely requires two fully-grown adults to combat it, so keep that in mind.
Lastly is the question of whether to get a water/ice dispensing refrigerator. I tested many a refrigerator on its dispenser placement, delivering mock jabs to the dispenser paddles. This becomes key when the refrigerator is attacking you, since it should be difficult for the refrigerator to put up a good fight if you're punching it in the control gut and forcing it to barf out water and ice cubes. But conversely, the refrigerator could use the dispenser to its advantage as a defensive mechanism to keep you at bay, or as a means of gloating over your defeated body by spewing water and ice onto your unconscious face—it's really the refrigerator's version of teabagging.
So next time you need to shop for a refrigerator, keep all this in mind, aside from issues like how cold the freezer gets and whether it's large enough to store several severed hands and heads. Because when you least expect it, the refrigerator may very well go after you, and when that happens you will be glad you thought ahead.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Time Train - Chapter 14
A day late, but no less great, here's the latest chapter of Time Train.
___
The engine eventually ground to a halt under its own power, allowing Rhubarb T. Porterhut to step down from the cab. Immediately he was assailed by a warm and humid air which engulfed him completely.
“Fibulious, hold onto Columbus and do not stray from the train.”
Fibulious was up and staring out the windows in wonder, oblivious to Columbus who managed a timid peak out the door from behind the cab walls. He didn’t hear a word that Rhubarb said, and quickly leapt down onto the mossy floor.
“Did you not heed my words?” hollered Rhubarb from beside a rather large tree.
Rhubarb attempted to corral Fibulious unsuccessfully, but had no need to worry about Columbus, as the African Husky had little desire to leave the engine cab. Meanwhile Fibulious was hopping over logs and looking under rocks—essentially just being a child.
“Wow! I never seen’d a forest before!”
Rhubarb was beginning to lose his patience chasing after Fibulious, and stomped his foot hard into a pile of twigs.
“Futureman, come here this instant. I am not sure where, or more likely when, we are, and it would be best if we do not venture too far from the one mode of apparatus that is likely to assist us in finding our way home.”
Coming to his senses, Fibulious stopped what he was doing and came back toward the train.
Wherever they were, it was certainly much different from where they had been before. Unlike the dark, bleak train yard they had been trying to escape from, the forest was full of vibrant greens and rich browns. The life around them could not be more different than the hint of death and decay they had left behind.
“Now I do not recall passing through or near any forests of this nature en route to. … Well, wherever it was where we were. This is most unusual.” Rhubarb attempted to mentally retrace their steps, but there were far too many holes to make complete sense of things. Instead he thought it better to focus on their present plight and see what could be done to remedy the situation.
“Futureman, come and help me examine the time traversal device.”
“The time versity vice?”
Rhubarb forgot that Fibulious was still newly acquainted with his creation. He pulled the young boy in close by his shoulders and pointed in the direction of the engine.
“Why, that is what we call the train. Officially, it is the space-distance and time-duration modulating traversal apparatus. ... Er, but you may call it the ... time train.” The name tickled both Fibulious as well as Rhubarb who hadn’t really considered much the form of his transportation.
“Now I need you to help me examine the time train to see if there is any damage to it. We stopped here rather unexpectedly and if we need to manage some repairs we will have to work quickly.”
Rhubarb began to inspect the engine thoroughly, looking for any sort of cracks or structural damage that might have caused the train to stop and that might be detrimental to further travel. However Fibulious was unsure of what exactly to look for, and kind of hovered around the train, trying to look like he knew what he was doing.
“What are we looking for Mister Portrait?”
“Why, cracks. Holes, steam leaks, burst valves. Anything that might make it difficult for us to go home.”
Fibulious stopped for a second, then as if he had noticed something, crawled between the large wheels and climbed underneath the train. “Mister Portrait?”
Although he was locked in concentration, Rhubarb managed a reply. “Yes, Futureman. Have you found something?”
“This is a train, right?”
“It is a time train, yes.”
“Does the time train need to run on railroad tracks?”
“Well, it is a train after all. What are you getting at?”
“Look!”
Rhubarb bent down to spy Fibulious underneath the train, but more important was that which was absent from beneath the train.
“Egads! No track?!”
Now it made sense why the train had stopped of its own accord. Without any railroad tracks to ride upon, the engine had sunk into a patch of dirt and moss. Rhubarb was beside himself.
“What are we to do? I never had any intention of operating the time traversal apparatus without railroad tracks.”
Fibulious crawled out from beneath the train and sat down beside Rhubarb. With a simple gesture he tugged on Rhubarb’s pant leg.
“It’s alright, Mister Portrait. You built the time train, right? That means you can figure out a way for us to get the time train to move again.”
Rhubarb generally had only his self-confidence to bolster his spirits, but the added confidence of his associate was enough to steel his nerve. “Perhaps you are right. As one of this century’s greatest inventors, I, Rhubarb T. Porterhut III, shall find a way.”
___
The engine eventually ground to a halt under its own power, allowing Rhubarb T. Porterhut to step down from the cab. Immediately he was assailed by a warm and humid air which engulfed him completely.
“Fibulious, hold onto Columbus and do not stray from the train.”
Fibulious was up and staring out the windows in wonder, oblivious to Columbus who managed a timid peak out the door from behind the cab walls. He didn’t hear a word that Rhubarb said, and quickly leapt down onto the mossy floor.
“Did you not heed my words?” hollered Rhubarb from beside a rather large tree.
Rhubarb attempted to corral Fibulious unsuccessfully, but had no need to worry about Columbus, as the African Husky had little desire to leave the engine cab. Meanwhile Fibulious was hopping over logs and looking under rocks—essentially just being a child.
“Wow! I never seen’d a forest before!”
Rhubarb was beginning to lose his patience chasing after Fibulious, and stomped his foot hard into a pile of twigs.
“Futureman, come here this instant. I am not sure where, or more likely when, we are, and it would be best if we do not venture too far from the one mode of apparatus that is likely to assist us in finding our way home.”
Coming to his senses, Fibulious stopped what he was doing and came back toward the train.
Wherever they were, it was certainly much different from where they had been before. Unlike the dark, bleak train yard they had been trying to escape from, the forest was full of vibrant greens and rich browns. The life around them could not be more different than the hint of death and decay they had left behind.
“Now I do not recall passing through or near any forests of this nature en route to. … Well, wherever it was where we were. This is most unusual.” Rhubarb attempted to mentally retrace their steps, but there were far too many holes to make complete sense of things. Instead he thought it better to focus on their present plight and see what could be done to remedy the situation.
“Futureman, come and help me examine the time traversal device.”
“The time versity vice?”
Rhubarb forgot that Fibulious was still newly acquainted with his creation. He pulled the young boy in close by his shoulders and pointed in the direction of the engine.
“Why, that is what we call the train. Officially, it is the space-distance and time-duration modulating traversal apparatus. ... Er, but you may call it the ... time train.” The name tickled both Fibulious as well as Rhubarb who hadn’t really considered much the form of his transportation.
“Now I need you to help me examine the time train to see if there is any damage to it. We stopped here rather unexpectedly and if we need to manage some repairs we will have to work quickly.”
Rhubarb began to inspect the engine thoroughly, looking for any sort of cracks or structural damage that might have caused the train to stop and that might be detrimental to further travel. However Fibulious was unsure of what exactly to look for, and kind of hovered around the train, trying to look like he knew what he was doing.
“What are we looking for Mister Portrait?”
“Why, cracks. Holes, steam leaks, burst valves. Anything that might make it difficult for us to go home.”
Fibulious stopped for a second, then as if he had noticed something, crawled between the large wheels and climbed underneath the train. “Mister Portrait?”
Although he was locked in concentration, Rhubarb managed a reply. “Yes, Futureman. Have you found something?”
“This is a train, right?”
“It is a time train, yes.”
“Does the time train need to run on railroad tracks?”
“Well, it is a train after all. What are you getting at?”
“Look!”
Rhubarb bent down to spy Fibulious underneath the train, but more important was that which was absent from beneath the train.
“Egads! No track?!”
Now it made sense why the train had stopped of its own accord. Without any railroad tracks to ride upon, the engine had sunk into a patch of dirt and moss. Rhubarb was beside himself.
“What are we to do? I never had any intention of operating the time traversal apparatus without railroad tracks.”
Fibulious crawled out from beneath the train and sat down beside Rhubarb. With a simple gesture he tugged on Rhubarb’s pant leg.
“It’s alright, Mister Portrait. You built the time train, right? That means you can figure out a way for us to get the time train to move again.”
Rhubarb generally had only his self-confidence to bolster his spirits, but the added confidence of his associate was enough to steel his nerve. “Perhaps you are right. As one of this century’s greatest inventors, I, Rhubarb T. Porterhut III, shall find a way.”
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Celebrity Sightings - Robin Williams
When I was visiting Brother G in San Francisco one time, he took me to a nearby Philly cheesesteak place. It was a pretty good cheesesteak.
If I recall correctly, the place didn't have a lot of anything on the wall, but noticeable near the ceiling was a signed Hook poster. While we sat and ate, we pondered whose signature it was on the poster, since it could have been Robin Williams, Julia Roberts, or Dustin Hoffman, all of whom were prominently featured. Just then Robin Williams dashed through the door, picked up a bag, and left, so I nonchalantly said, "Oh, I guess it's Robin Williams then since he just came in." My brother's back was to the door, so he couldn't really see Robin Williams come in, and he kind of shrugged my remark off. But I insisted that Robin Williams really did just come in, so my brother craned his neck to catch a glimpse and confirm what I already knew.
My brother later found out that Robin Williams likes the cheesesteaks there, and often orders the food ahead of time and takes a taxi to pick it up. So if Robin Williams approves, you know the place must be good.
If I recall correctly, the place didn't have a lot of anything on the wall, but noticeable near the ceiling was a signed Hook poster. While we sat and ate, we pondered whose signature it was on the poster, since it could have been Robin Williams, Julia Roberts, or Dustin Hoffman, all of whom were prominently featured. Just then Robin Williams dashed through the door, picked up a bag, and left, so I nonchalantly said, "Oh, I guess it's Robin Williams then since he just came in." My brother's back was to the door, so he couldn't really see Robin Williams come in, and he kind of shrugged my remark off. But I insisted that Robin Williams really did just come in, so my brother craned his neck to catch a glimpse and confirm what I already knew.
My brother later found out that Robin Williams likes the cheesesteaks there, and often orders the food ahead of time and takes a taxi to pick it up. So if Robin Williams approves, you know the place must be good.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Yokai of the Week - Sagari
Occasionally horses die beneath trees, and when they do their spirit has a chance to became a sagari. For some strange reason, only the head is left to haunt the tree, which hangs from the branches with either its tendril-like mane, a prehensile neck-tail, or my favorite, a forearm and fist. If chanced upon, they mostly whinny terrifyingly into the night, but a few unfortunate people may experience sickness.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Trout Amandine
I was unsure of what to make for dinner today, but we had a large steelhead trout in the fridge, so I opted to cook trout amandine. Here's an interesting fact, but steelhead trout are actually from the same genera as salmon. The sea-faring version of the species is known as steelhead, while the freshwater variety are known as rainbow trout.
Trout amandine is kind of a fancy way of saying trout garnished with almonds. The roasted almonds in the butter, lemon, and worcestershire blend were pretty good, although it wasn't much of a sauce. Perhaps I should add more butter next time. The fish was cooked just right but I'd rather use a rainbow or other freshwater trout. The steelhead seemed like a milder-tasting salmon, whereas freshwater trout would likely pair better with the amandine.
I also prepared a mixture of fusilli with sauteed crimini mushrooms, peas, and sliced black olives. The steamed zucchini is there to appease the veggie police.
Trout amandine is kind of a fancy way of saying trout garnished with almonds. The roasted almonds in the butter, lemon, and worcestershire blend were pretty good, although it wasn't much of a sauce. Perhaps I should add more butter next time. The fish was cooked just right but I'd rather use a rainbow or other freshwater trout. The steelhead seemed like a milder-tasting salmon, whereas freshwater trout would likely pair better with the amandine.
I also prepared a mixture of fusilli with sauteed crimini mushrooms, peas, and sliced black olives. The steamed zucchini is there to appease the veggie police.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Law of Striponomics
There are many laws in the universe, such as the laws of physics, Murphy's Law, and L.A. Law. But one seldom talked about law is the law of striponomics. It's a simple enough law, and one that most people are familiar enough with whether they've experienced it or not. The law is as follows: if we assume a woman strips in a conventional manner, i.e. outer garments to under garments, then as a woman strips off more clothing to reveal her bare flesh, the male excitement level increases exponentially until it reaches the first apex, usually the removal of the bra, followed by a sharp decline in interest and a steady rise to the second apex, usually just preceding the removal of the panties. Once all the clothing is removed, interest then decreases until it hits a steady level. Here is a visual representation of the law (sorry, no actual nudity involved):
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