The Black Widow Spider - One of Nature's Sexiest Creatures

I confess that I am a leg man*, which would explain my preoccupation with spiders, particularly black widow spiders, as a perfect specimen has no less than eight legs. The black widow has a unique silhouette such that they are easily distinguishable from most other spiders. The female of the species is particularly attractive, with measurements in the extreme, and heavily accentuated curves. If you are a fan of the badonkadonk, then look no further. Their shiny black exoskeletons are comparable to black leather bodysuits. Their long, smooth, neatly segmented legs end in sharp points, as if they are wearing full-length, black leather stiletto boots. And their abdomens are generally accented with a red hour glass tattoo in the middle. Yes, the female black widow is stylish, flaunting, and wanton.

In some circumstances, the female will actually consume her mate, so deadbeat boyfriends beware. She is a fiercely independent woman, able to store the male's sperm and lay eggs months later. She'll give birth to hundreds of baby spiders per cycle, out of which a dozen might survive.

And I'm not overlooking the black widow's most famous feature, a highly potent neurotoxin capable of killing an adult human. That extra bit of danger adds to their overall sexiness factor.

Black widow spiders are like the fashionistas of the bug world. They're not as out there as some of the more floral insects, but they stand out. As weavers, they're actually pretty lousy without any sense of artistry or style. But they present an overall package that's hard to deny.


*Except when it comes to chicken, where I'm a wing man.

Top Ten Favorite Animals

1. capybara (Hydrochoerus hydrochaeris)







2. black widow spider (Latrodectus hesperus)











3. North African hedgehog (Atelerix algirus)









4. African praying mantis (Sphodromantis lineola)











5. Western tiger swallowtail butterfly (Papilio rutulus)










6. ocean sunfish










7. gray wolf (Canis lupus)










8. Chinese giant salamander (Andrias davidianus)










9. giant isopod (Bathynomus giganteus)








10. Surinam toad

Never get so drunk at a party that you black out

Such advice might seem innocuous, but don't overlook it. Many a person has found himself in less-than-desirable situations after having come to from a booze-induced coma. Being unconscious to the rest of the world does not mean that the rest of the world is unconscious to you. In fact it is far from it. For you very well could find yourself clothed in a jacuzzi with a very alert koala.

Koalas are depicted by the media and children's books as cute, docile creatures, but nothing could be more false--for without their eucalyptus fix, koalas are vicious, dirty creatures akin to crashing dope junkies and desperate crack fiends. As such, you wouldn't want to come face to face with a sober koala. It would not be pretty. Without the soporific effect of eucalyptus in the koala's bloodstream, expect an enraged koala to disembowel you in seconds as it searches for more sweet, sweet eucalyptus. If you are lucky, your hangover and any remnants of your drunkenness will dull the pain slightly.

All of this leads of course to a next bit of advice: always keep some eucalyptus on your body, especially if you are planning to party, and party hard. That way, should you ever awake and come across a koala, you will be prepared to give it that which it craves and needs.

Ask MidnightHunnyRun

DEAR MIDNIGHTHUNNYRUN:

Every time I rotate my ankle, it hurts and makes clicking noises. I'm currently without health insurance and I don't want to go to the doctor. What should I do? -- ANKLE PAIN, LOS ANGELES, CA

DEAR ANKLE PAIN: The question you should be asking is not what you should do but what you should not do, and that is simple: don't rotate your ankle.

Time Train - Chapter 5

When are Rhubarb T. Porterhut and his opposite of hirsute dog, Columbus? Find out right now, in this latest chapter of "Time Train."
___


Rhubarb T. Porterhut hopped to his feet. “I must have drifted off,” he thought to himself as he gathered his senses. He checked his pocket watch which indicated that it was a quarter till noon.

Meanwhile Columbus was thankful that he was no longer his master’s pillow, and stretched what little he could stretch in his sack. Although the position had been uncomfortable, he found the overall situation pleasant as he was free from being a conversation partner, and was in fact able to catch some sleep and finish his dream.

“What is this? Where could we be now? When is now?”

Rhubarb was frantic, and began to flail his arms like a windmill. He peaked out of the cabin to see a platform slowly approaching them from the distance. As they got closer he pulled the brake and jumped out.

“Hellooooo! Hello, I say! Is there anybody here?”

A gentleman stepped out to the platform, dressed not unlike the stationmaster back in Terre Haute. He eyed the situation warily before speaking.

“Wasn’t expecting any shipments this early in the day. Not that it looks like yer carrying anything anyhow. How might I be of service?”

Rhubarb tried to jump onto the platform but didn’t quite make it. Unfazed, he simply went around the platform until he found a good foothold so that he could climb up. The same couldn’t be said for Columbus who took the brunt of the fall. Luckily his lack of hair made it easier for him to dust himself off, if only he could manage such a thing.

The stationmaster simply stood there and stared, which Rhubarb interpreted as shock at seeing a man and his dog, both of whom had just arrived from the future. Once face to face with the stationmaster, he politely dusted himself off. He felt an urge to grab the man by his coveralls, but not wanting to add to his surprise, instead extended his gloved hand.

“Good day, sir. When, might I ask, do we find ourselves this day?”

The stationmaster still unsure of all that was unfolding before him, thought twice about taking the unfamiliar man’s hand. “Why yer in Decatur.”

“Decatur, Illinois,” thought Rhubarb. “Why we traveled nearly a hundred miles.”

“Well, what time is it, good sir?”

The stationmaster took his time with this question. He looked up at the sky; then at the locomotive; then at the dog on Rhubarb’s back; and finally at Rhubarb.

“It’s about 10:45, in the morning.”

“And what is today’s date, if you wouldn’t mind?”

“November sixth, 1897.”

An hour. They had traveled a hundred miles for nearly five hours to arrive an hour in the past.

“Huzzah! Columbus, we have made it! Our trip was not in vain!”

Rhubarb danced around the platform with Columbus, the bewildered stationmaster the only audience. They had traveled long and far indeed, but Rhubarb was too excited to ponder the consequences or the question: Would he ever make it back to his darling wife, Florentine?

Extra Skin Chicken

I was at a party recently to which one of my friends had brought Pioneer Chicken. There were only eight pieces, so I just took a wing, even though about twenty people were scheduled to show up. Another friend (who will remain nameless) tried the chicken, and after asking her what she thought about it she admitted she didn't see what the big deal was about (bah!) and furthermore she had thrown away the skin (double bah!). THROWN AWAY THE SKIN?! She was quickly exiled, never to be heard from again.

If there's anything to love about Pioneer Chicken, or any fried chicken for that matter, it's the crispy skin. (SO WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU THROW IT AWAY?!) It's the battered and fried skin that gives fried chicken its unique reputation in the culinary world. For a brief period of time, Kentucky Fried Chicken even went with a skinless fried chicken (pointless, really) and look how that turned out. Badly. People rioted. Lives were lost. KFC hasn't always been the smartest company (three breasts?), so perhaps it shouldn't have been a surprise. But, people, you just don't go and make wheels square, am I right? If anything, scientists and chefs should be striving for ways to improve chickens to meet the demands of chicken fryers the world round. My suggestion: extra skin chicken.

This can be approached from two different angles. The first approach is more practical and can be implemented immediately--use extra skins from the frou-frou health nuts' chickens, and wrap them around the bon vivants' chickens. That way a thigh or breast could have 360 degrees of skin wrapped around it's supple life-nourishing flesh. If extra care is taken, a piece could be fried once as usual with its original skin, then layered and fried again with an additional skin. It would have double the punch, and double the crunch (that could be a slogan). Additional chicken skin shouldn't be wasted in the first place, and adding skin to chicken, or any food, offers a whole new world of culinary experimentation.

The second approach to extra skin chicken is much more laborious and time consuming, as it involves genetics and breeding. Some people may be appalled at the idea of breeding chickens to have more skin, and my answer to that is to look at the Shar Pei. Nobody complained when the Chinese bred a dog with an excess of wrinkly skin. Besides, scientists have already done enough genetic juggling of food animals that one other tweak shouldn't matter. Imagine a wrinkly chicken, with all that increased surface area and all the fatty fried creases and wrinkles--it's like having an extra greasy Ruffles potato chip covering your chicken, and who doesn't like Ruffles? (They have ridges.) And to take it a step further, imagine adding extra skin to a wrinkly-skinned chicken.

Whichever way scientists and chefs choose to go, they can't go wrong. Both offerings fill a void that people don't even realize exists. And should Kentucky Fried Chicken turn out to be the one at the forefront of this venture, it would be a big step toward correcting so many of their gaffs in the pasts (three breasts, skinless fried chicken, removing Chicken Littles from the menu, removing chicken nuggets from the menu, grilled chicken).

(Ed. note: If anyone is wondering, yes, I did try to add in as many parentheticals as I could.)

Celebrity Sightings - Susan Sarandon

For some reason or another, I was driving a few blocks removed from my house when I stopped at a light. I noticed a woman in a summer dress crossing the street while walking her dog. It struck me that the woman was rather attractive. It could have been her dress that made her so appealing, since so few women wear dresses in L.A. nowadays (plus my predilection for women in dresses). But on second thought, it was probably her smile, because that woman wore one of the brightest smiles I have ever seen. It's the type of smile that could light up a room.

My trance was broken, though, when someone in the car next to me yelled, "Looking good, Mrs. Sarandon!" That woman walking her dog turned out to be Susan Sarandon, and upon hearing the compliment her smile beamed even brighter.

Even at age 60+, Susan Sarandon is still a remarkably attractive woman. And it didn't hurt that she was wearing a smile. More so than any clothing or accessories, a smile goes a long way toward projecting all sorts of attractive qualities, and there's nothing sexier than confidence.

Shitty Movie Review - Showdown in Little Tokyo

In between viewings of "Death of a Salesman," "Ishtar," "The Natural," and numerous episodes of "Inside the Actors Studio," I came across a little screen gem known as "Showdown in Little Tokyo." Directed by Mark L. Lester and released in 1991, the film stars the always excellently shitty Dolph Lundgren and Brandon Lee, along with Tia Carrere and "I'm always an evil Asian guy" Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa.

The plot follows Japanophile Chris Kenner (Dolph Lundgren), an L.A. cop, who has to team up with clueless Japanese-American valley boy Johnny Murata (Brandon Lee) as they try to take down the Iron Claw Yakuza clan led by Yoshida (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa). Kenner grew up in Japan and witnessed his parents' murder at the hands of Yoshida, so he holds a bit of a grudge. Tia Carrere plays Minako, a night club singer that Yoshida claims as his own. The plot is largely derivative and is simply there to set up the many action sequences that showcase both Lundgren and Lee's martial arts acrobatics.

The quality of the movie is all kinds of shitty. The editing is sloppy, and little interest was paid to the details. In several sequences, dummies were used in place of actors without much care going into the camera angles or the editing so that it's obvious that they were using dummies. On top of that, at least one scene had looped dialog by Brandon Lee when he clearly is not moving his lips on screen. And while Tia Carrere will never be mistaken for Meryl Streep, her acting in this movie is abysmal. A dog could have cried and howled it's way through the movie more convincingly than she did. She didn't even do her own nude scenes, opting for an obvious body double (double boos for that). Also of particular note is David Michael Frank's score which consists mostly of a single theme that is repeated throughout the whole movie and which will linger on much longer than the bitter aftertaste of Tia Carrere's "acting."

But even more credit has to go to Stephen Glantz and Caliope Brattlestreet (coolest screenwriting name ever) who amazingly enough wrote the movie. While the story is inconsequential, the one liners overfloweth, with Brandon Lee benefiting the most. This movie has some of the quirkiest, most mind-boggling dialog committed to film. Describing it isn't enough.

JOHNNY MURATA
Listen you Zen warrior, fucking samurai asshole! I wanna know what's up! 'Cause despite myself, I like you.
___

JOHNNY MURATA
Listen. We do this right. Clean. Like a cop in the 20th century and not some samurai warrior. We're gonna nail this guy. And when we get done, we're gonna go eat fish off those naked chicks!
___

JOHNNY MURATA
Kenner, just in case we get killed, I wanted to tell you that you have the biggest dick I've ever seen on a man.

CHRIS KENNER
(nods) Thanks.
___

CHRIS KENNER
I liked that car. And I liked that girl. And I'd like to cut off certain parts of Yoshida's anatomy.

JOHNNY MURATA
Ya know, you've got a fixation, pal...

There are dozens more oral offal to be found in this movie, and that in and of itself makes the movie worth watching over and over.

My shitty movie rating: 8 turds out of 10. Must see!

Yokai of the Week - Umibozu

Umibozu are enormous, sea-dwelling yokai that are responsible for causing shipwrecks and drowning people. The name is derived from the Japanese words for "sea" and "monk," as umibozu are topped with round, hairless heads like those of Buddhist monks.

Veal Piccata and Shoestring Fries

Today's dinner made by MidnightHunnyRun: Veal piccata, shoestring fries, and steamed crookneck squash.

The paillarded veal scallops were topped with a tangy sauce with capers. For the shoestring fries, I shredded white potatoes with a mandolin and shallow-fried them in olive oil in a small stainless steal pan. The squash is there just so I could have a token vegetable and get the Veggie Police off my back. Damn Veggie Police.

And to answer a question, every thing was pretty yum. I wish I could have eaten the same meal all over again.

Making the Winter Olympics Awesome

Since the Winter Olympics are currently taking place in Vancouver, my family has been watching a lot of coverage. However I have very little interest in the Winter games save for figure skating and curling. So it got me and my sister thinking, how could they make the Olympics more exciting so that I, MidnightHunnyRun, would be more compelled to watch?

I happened to catch my sister watching the finals in cross-country. Nothing could bore me more than a guy doing the same thing for more than two minutes with a background of white. (That whiteness thing is a big issue. Ever notice how pale the Winter Olympics are compared to the Summer Olympics?) Biathlon is only slightly better since the competitors get guns. What is interesting to me is how the competitors are so exhausted at the end that they just flop over right after they pass the finish line. So wouldn't it be a good idea to make the finish a whole other Olympic event?

ANNOUNCER

And Papagiorgio is approaching the finish. He won't beat Roland's time, but we'll see how he makes his fall. (beat) He finishes 8.31 seconds behind Roland... And he does a 180 spin out with a leg flail... Oh, just misses the landing, that's going to cost him some points. The highest he can get is a 9.2, based on difficulty. So he's currently in third place in cross-country. (beat) And he gets a 9.1 from the American judge, a 9.0 from the French judge... Ooh, and a 8.8 from the Russian judge. Ouch, that's gotta sting a little. So he's third in cross-country, and only eighth in the cross-country aftermath.

Something else I'd like to see is more aggressive music in pairs figure skating. Anything from the Jock Rock library would do, but the best song would have to be "Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)." I can imagine the routine. The woman would be dressed as Sonya, and the man could be dressed like Liu Kang complete with headband and the topless look. They'd skate/dance/fight against each other to the howling of "Mortal Kombat" and the thumping beat of the song. Fists would fly, and they could do numerous Salchows, Loops, and Axels while they narrowly miss contact with each other. Then they could clinch, and Liu Kang could throw Sonya into the air only for her to land gingerly on the ice. During the "test your might" part they could competitively test their jumping strength while fist pounding the ice. At the end Sonya would win, and when it says "finish him," she could blow Liu Kang a kiss which knocks him out. Or they could do a babality or friendship, but those would probably get booed.

Lastly, they should make all events head-to-head competitions, in much the same way snowboard cross or short track has all the competitors on the field at the same time. Imagine head-to-head figure skating, where a skater tries to screw up her opponent while trying to maintain. Or biathlon where instead of the competitors shooting at targets, they can shoot at each other. While they're skiing. Even the already amazing curling would be enhanced by having multiple teams curling at the same time. Directly toward each other.

Less artistry and greater bombast combined with direct competition would go a long way to making the Winter Olympics much more exciting for me. Or in other words, injecting stale sports with a shot of awesome makes the sports more awesome. And if none of this works, I have one last suggestion: cross-country snowboard cross biathlon.

Carney's in Studio City

After an intense session of basketball, my friends and I all had quite an appetite. So where did we go? Carney's!

Carney's is a fast food restaurant that specializes in hot dogs. The restaurant is actually situated in a train car, which is very cool. The menu might not be as varied as Pink's, but the food is good and it hits the spot. They have about 8 different hot dog configurations along with hamburgers and other offerings, and on this day I got a Red Eye Spicy Style. That's a spicy Polish sausage split and grilled and topped with mustard, grilled sauerkraut, and chili peppers. It's not overly spicy with a nice burning sensation that just lingers. It's a good blend of flavors all of which compliment each other well.

I also got a small chili cheese fries. The chili is not unlike that of the Original Tommy's or Pink's. It's kind of a gelatinous mass devoid of any outstanding features, but I like it like that.

I washed all of it down with a mongo-sized lemonade, which is the largest size they have. And all of this was just under $10, which wasn't too bad.

Here are some other notes on the hot dog:
- 3 out of 10 on my spice-o-meter, which means it'll give you a tingly tongue.
- 5 out of 7 on my mess-o-meter, which means stuff will fall off the hot dog and you'll need napkins.
- You probably don't need a knife and fork unless you're super fastidious, pretentious, or Japanese from Japan.

Carney's
Studio City
12601 Ventura Blvd.
Studio City, CA 91604
(818) 761-8300

West Hollywood
8351 Sunset Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90069
(323) 654-8300

Carney's

Heaven's Crowded, Yo

Sometimes I wonder about the plausibility of an afterlife that in any way mimics life on Earth. A lot of religions presume that everyone should be happy in heaven, but that's really pushing certain limits. An over-crowded place or an under-crowded place might not be the most satisfying eternity, so aside from population capacity issues, what about the transplantation of earthly relationships--for instance multiple marriages?

Perhaps there are those cases in the afterlife where the first wife really does approve of the second wife. But what about all those other instances, particularly with multiple remarriages for widows and widowers? It's hard to imagine everyone getting along under those circumstances. Although I can imagine the cattiness.

WIFE #1
And you did what with her? In our bed?

HUSBAND
To be fair, you were dead. And I didn't do anything for at least half a year.

WIFE #2
You're angry? This bastard remarried after he said he'd never love anyone more than me.

WIFE #3
I can't believe you were married to her.

WIFE #2
You bitch! At least I'm not a fat ass like you!

WIFE #1
You shouldn't be talking you whore.

HUSBAND
I'm just gonna...

And the husband slinks away.

Granted in all likelihood any one of these individuals wouldn't pass the rigorous qualifications it might take to get into heaven, but if they all did, could they really all be happy together? Even if they were all good people, that's a lot of minding your P's and Q's. It sounds like more potential for a hellish nightmare than bliss.

And what about all those friends and family that you liked when you were alive? I know I have lots of relatives of whom I am very fond. But I also know some of them are cranks who just want their peace and quiet. If any of them got into heaven, I don't think their idea of happiness would be the same as mine. I can imagine what they'd say: "You might like me a lot but I like you maybe not so much." That would't make me so happy.

Hopefully the afterlife is like a giant fishbowl, where we're all like little sperm just floating around. No all-happy or all-sad. If you bump into someone, you bump into someone. Have a chat and float along. That would be pretty cool. Being sperm.

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