Cage Watch

Cage Movie #49: Zandalee

Shitty Movie Review - "Anaconda"

I suppose this is long overdue and a bit unnecessary. After all, "Anaconda" came out 13 years ago in 1997. But I would also be remiss if I didn't include a review of it.

I should come clean though and admit never having actually sat through all of "Anaconda" until now. I knew about Jon Voight's accent, the constant sneer, and the wink, but I had never taken the time to fully absorb the film, and did I ever miss out. Without "Anaconda," would there have been a "Deep Rising?" Or how about "Lake Placid?" "Snakes on a Plane?" And would the SyFy channel even exist? "Anaconda" has surely had an effect on the landscape of film that cannot be denied.

While I acknowledge it's impact, I find it difficult to consider "Anaconda" a shitty film, as it's clear director Luis Llosa knew what he was doing, as did Jon Voight. A rank amateur auteur wouldn't have been able to make the camera movement choices that Llosa did and a rank acting amateur couldn't have delivered the over-the-top performance that Voight did. Only a savvy director with no budget would know that you can take an earlier scene of a boat landing on the rock and run the footage in reverse to show the boat leaving the rock, even if there is a waterfall in the background with water that defies gravity. The film was clearly conceived and filmed as a schlock-"Jaws" for a new generation and it more than less delivers. With everything so intentional, can it truly be shitty? In its own way it's quite respectable, so onward to the highlights.

Clearly the role of Paraguayan snake hunter Paul Sarone was the role of a lifetime for Voight. Forget "Midnight Cowboy," Voight crafted a memorable character that will last forever. Whenever someone gets swallowed by anything only to be vomited up then wink, that person will forever be compared to Voight's Sarone. His accent and physical affectations were so eerily otherworldly, haunting even, as he combined the best elements of the Tim Curry School of Acting, Jack Lalanne, and someone's creepy grandfather. He arguably stole the movie away from the snake. It should have been called "Voight," starring Anaconda, J-Lo, Ice Cube, pre-funny pre-suicidal Owen Wilson, and Danny Trejo in yet another minor role in which he proved to be awesome. Plus Eric Stolz in a role where he got to lie down out of sight for half the movie.

I should also comment on Kari Wuhrer, the other actress in the movie aside from J-Lo. I still lament the day I found out Kari Wuhrer lived on my street, only to find out she had already moved away. I knew her largely from countless B-movies that played on Showtime and Skinemax. She was pretty hot, and almost always getting naked. Sadly, she didn't get naked enough in "Anaconda" (maybe that's what makes it shitty), but I understand having to make sacrifices to further your career. After having been fully naked in so many movies, it only followed that she would take a different route by giving audiences something different—like hiding her boobs. I don't agree with it, but I reluctantly understand.

And then there's the snake. The anaconda was like the rebel of the snake world, refusing to play by the rules of reality. Who knew a large, cold-blooded reptile with no legs could move like Michael Jackson on crack? Or that it was related to the shrieking eels? Seriously if it weren't for political instability, these anacondas would be the number one reason why I would never ever go near South America.

So "Anaconda," while perhaps not fully shitty, stands as a paragon to other shitty monster movies. It is what these movies should aspire to, much as how "Congo" should be the archetype for movies about signing apes rather than "Project X." It rightfully deserves its reputation of horribly-shitty-but-undeniably-entertaining-schlock-monster movie, and that's something that even "Jaws" can't claim.

My shitty movie rating: 10 turds out of 10. King of the Dung Heap.

Celebrity Sightings - Shannyn Sossamon

This is probably another "Who?" segment of celebrity sightings, but Shannyn Sossamon's been in movies, really. You might remember her as the "foxy lady" that Heath Ledger was trying to get with in "A Knight's Tale." No? Or how about the girl that Josh Hartnett was trying to get with in "40 Days and 40 Nights?" Still doesn't ring a bell? Well how about the the pink haired girl in "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang?" If you still can't put a face to the name, I'll always remember her as the National Panasonic girl. When I used to watch J-dramas on Fujisankei, they always ran this ad with a girl dancing around her rice cooker, and at the very end she would say, "National Panasonic, you're the one for me." Scintillating, I know.

So where did I see her? At the market, while we were picking up a cake. She dashed in to get something and dashed out. Because, you know, she didn't want to get mobbed. Because she's so famous. Or maybe because her kid was in the car. I think his name is Audio Science Clayton. Boy must that kid get picked on at school.

Grilled Pork Chops

Certain events prevented me from cooking on Sunday, so I rescheduled my dinner to today.

I specifically wanted to make potatoes au gratin, but since some people freak out when I don't serve a meat dish, I needed to figure out something to pair it with. I thought some sort of pork dish would be good and settled upon pork chops.

I've made potatoes au gratin before, but I must have forgotten to make the recommended adjustments, since it turned out pretty greasy. It wasn't bad, but it will probably knock another year off my life and increase the likelihood of me having a heart attack by 5-7.5%.

But the pork chops were AWESOME! I decided to grill them on the barbecue, and that was a wise decision. They turned out juicy and full-flavored.

It was a pretty big pack of pork chops, so guess what I'm having for lunch? Lucky me!

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Cage Movie #48: Amos & Andrew