Shitty Movie Review - "The Killing of Satan"

It's been quite some time since I've seen any shitty movies. Good movies, yes, bad movies, most definitely. Some movies, like "The Dragon Lives Again" which I saw recently, were very entertaining and intentionally so, so I couldn't truly consider those shitty movies. However I have one for you today.

Much thanks goes to Everything is Terrible for continuing to be the curators par excellence for all things terrible, and for bringing "The Killing of Satan" to my attention. Trying to acquire a proper copy took quite some time, but eventually, through the power of Amazon, I was able to get it on DVD no less, so, you know, top notch quality.

Now, unlike some of the other shitty movies I have reviewed, "The Killing of Satan" does have a discernible story and plot. But before you fret that I am getting lax in my coverage of truly shitty movies, let me reveal that this movie was released in 1983 in the Philippines and was originally filmed in Tagalog. I watched the English language dub of course, because if I've learned anything about shitty movies, it's that one way to instantly bump it up to the next level is to re-dub it.

Now here's the short story. A small, deeply religious village is under attack from the Prince of Magic. When their priest and elder is struck down, they contact his nephew Lando San Miguel via, wait for it ... magic; because everyone knows that phone calls, letters, or even leaving your village to actually find a guy are far less reliable means. Somehow their message gets through and Lando shows up, but now must rescue his kidnapped daughter and cousin from the clutches of the Prince of Magic, and, ultimately, his master (Betcha can't guess who, but here's a hint: check out the movie title).

Pretty straight forward, it would seem. Except for all the MAGIC! Strange magic. Once Lando has reunited with the rotting corpse of his dead uncle, he is endowed with strange magical abilities, like elbow-generated force fields, super breath, and punching power that even Manny Pacquiao would envy. But the Prince of Magic is no slouch in his red tights—he commands an army of black-tights-wearing, telekinetic boxers and shape-shifting seductresses. And don't forget he's being backed by an even greater power (dammit, it's Satan okay). This isn't the hideous beast of Dante's Divine Comedy, no. He's more like ... Beck. The singer. Kind of small and wiry, with facial hair and horns and tights and a pitchfork. Eventually he morphs into a slightly better nourished version of himself, but the secret's already out.

Perhaps the best part of the film is the dubbing. For some reason, albeit a great one, the American distributor cast all but Lando's part with English-speaking Filipino actors, so that everyone save for Lando has accents. Lando's voice is sonorous and clear, and while he is the most understandable, he is also the most ridiculously out of place when it comes to speech. Combine that with the tritely rewritten dialogue, and you have a recipe for success.

There are plenty of other gems in the film, and while it does drag in a couple of spots, stick with it since the trippy-ness ramps up towards the end. I guarantee you some snake slapping, a mute boy, gun fights, lots of spinning, cheek ripping, and a cage stuffed with nearly-fully nude girls (they're wearing classy black ribbon chokers).

My shitty movie review: 8.5 turds out of 10. This movie is a headscratcher, since it's not necessarily poorly executed, but it's not well-made either. You get the feeling the creators met their intentions, and yet it comes off badly. Great if you're looking for a shitty movie.

Shitty Movie Review - "Runaway"

One has to wonder where Tom Selleck would be had he gotten to play the role of Indiana Jones in "Raiders of the Lost Ark." He was already a successful TV star with "Magnum, P.I." Did he ever really envision himself as Mr. Baseball? Or Quigley down under? Or Sgt. Jack Ramsay in the Michael Crichton's "Runaway?" No, surely he could not have foreseen himself as Sgt. Jack Ramsay, fighting copy machines, spider-bots, and a make-up-less Gene Simmons. But then again life has strange plans for us all.

"Runaway" is not a typical shitty movie—no, it is a thinking man's shitty movie. You don't have the usual abundance of poor direction, bad writing, or terrible acting—well, maybe the bad acting. But what you do have is an abundance of robots, and we can all agree that robots, no matter how cool they might seem in the beginning, ultimately suck. And these aren't even the OP robots like Chip or Vicki, or the hip robots like Johnny 5 or R.O.B. These are Michael Crichton's gritty, realistic 80's robots, the ones shaped like boxes and ... other boxes, with one, maaaybe two claw hands. Because Michael Crichton is all about the realizable future, wherein robots, the most effective and helpful ones, are basically mobile boxes with claws. And batshit crazy and destined to take over the world. That's where Tom Selleck comes in. He plays Sgt. Jack Ramsay, a good cop with one flaw—he's afraid of heights. But you know one thing he's not afraid of? Robots. That's why he's in the police runaway division, nobly chasing rogue robots.

Here's a sampling of some the many robots prominently featured in the film:
table robot
lamp lowering robot
farming robot
floater robot
stacking robot
housewife/telephone/receiver/stereo/jukebox/cook robot
security robot
sniffing robot
driving robot
exploding robot
spider robot

In Michael Crichton's future, robots have advanced to the point where most of them can do one thing, and can do it so well that that's their name. The lone exception is L.O.I.S. (I'm going to assume her name was an acronym since it was the 80's), Ramsay's home robot who apparently can do almost everything except hold a decent conversation. And yet she is amazingly a better actor than the one who played Ramsay's child.

Michael Crichton paints a grim future. I, for one, do not want to live in a world with signs such as the ones below posted around construction sites:

CAUTION ROBOT AND HUMAN WORK AREA
CAUTION ROBOTS NOT EQUIPPED WITH HUMAN SENSORS
ROBOT AREA PROCEED WITH CAUTION

First, I guess animals or plants aren't allowed in the robot and human work area. Second, why would you not equip construction robots with human sensors? If you can make them mobile and arm them with heavy machinery, why would you not give them sensors to detect humans, especially if they're going to be in close proximity? And third, does it even need mention that you should proceed with caution? I mean these are robots we're talking about. Despite all these signs, the construction workers seemed pretty nonchalant about the rogue robot chucking sandbags off the top of the building.

Aside from the robots, the main antagonist is none other than Gene f'ing Simmons of Kiss. Yeah, I hate his guts because of multiple personal run-ins, but that's besides the point. He's a dick. And in this movie, he coincidentally also plays a dick, and an evil one at that. You want a surprise? He's also a shitty actor. Oops, guess I gave that one away. Anyway, he has scientists build chips to reprogram robots to kill humans, as if they wouldn't have done that on their own. And he also uses the chips to control the missile guidance system of his tracking missile gun, the same gun you see Tom Selleck holding on the poster even though he never uses it in the movie. The rounds, or smart missiles, may be heat-seaking, highly-maneuverable, and explosive, but they're also only a tad bit faster than a running human. If only that one scientist had zigged instead of zagged.

And how does Tom Selleck fare through all this? He's Tom Selleck dammit, the man with the stache so powerful that women swoon. At one point he knocks a bunch of monitors onto the floor and beats a robot to death with a chair, WWF-style. He orders sushi from a neon sign. He gets called a wienerhead and doesn't even blink. He does the splits between two moving cars. He gets shot in the face with acid and goes out to dinner with the girl. And he gets her to cook. Tom Selleck, no matter what, will be fine. This movie only reinforces that. So what if he didn't get to be Indiana Jones? Did I just watch "Runaway" starring Harrison Ford? No, that's Tom Selleck dammit. Long live the stache.

My shitty movie review: 8 turds out of 10. This movie, while shitty, is simultaneously genuinely though-provoking and entertaining. I've never seen erector sets put to such good use. Plus it's got a young Kirstie Alley and she actually kind of looks good here. Still bitchy, but attractive.

Shitty Movie Review - "Dangerous Men"

I had high expectations for "Dangerous Men" at the onset of the Everything Is Festival. After all, the festival literature described it saying, "Forget Troll 2, forget the collective works of Ed Wood, forget The Visitor, forget Birdemic — Dangerous Men is THE holiest of all Holyfuckingshits." But after having seen "Ninja Annihilation War," the bar was just set too impossibly high, perhaps even too high for one of the "Ninja Annihilation War" ninja to jump. That's not to say "Dangerous Men" is a bad film—well, it is a bad film because that's what I watch, but it's not a bad bad film. I have to admit, my brain was pretty fried when I watched this. Four days of watching films and found footage not to mention the nuke of "Ninja Annihilation War" means that I'm pretty inured to a lot of things at the moment. If I had seen this before I watched "Ninja Annihilation War," I'm sure that I would have felt very strongly about this movie.

Again, how could I describe this film? Plot? I suppose it has one. Main character(s)? I guess? Perhaps it's best to use the presenter's own words. When he went to view this film in it's original theatrical run in all of 8 Southern California theaters in 2005 rented out by the producer/director/writer/editor/composer/set decorator/production designer/special thanks John S. Rad (full name Jahangir Salehi Yeganehrad), he asked the box office:

"How many people have seen this?"
"Mmmmflu."
"Two?"
"No, you."

Furthermore, he described the ending as containing characters in the movie who 45 minutes earlier had yet to appear in the movie.

The very good thing about this film was really how it induced a social atmosphere. People bond over this movie. The whole theater was clapping and singing along with the background music. Friendships were forged, and relationships cemented. That is the type of movie this is. Years from now people will remember it, fondly, and share their stories about having seen it. Aside from that, it is rather indescribable. Upon the final shot of the film, not a single person in the packed house could deny their euphoria.

So, instead of describing the movie, let me leave you with quotes from an interview with John S. Rad about the film:

"A friend of mine had a connection with someone who had a helicopter. So we fly everywhere. That’s why I located the best location which makes the viewer to feel good and enjoy…"

"Also the film has many layers that maybe people do not pick up right away when watching one time, that’s why they want to see the film again and again as each time enjoy it more than earlier time."

"In my opinion, when a film has been shot is not important. We have to see the quality of the film, how it is, what message it gives, what education we can receive, and if we have fun from it’s entertainmentship."

Rest in peace.

John S. Rad
1936-2007

My shitty movie review: 10 turds out of 10. "Dangerous Men" is truly deserving of 10 turds on the normalized scale. It should sit up there proudly alongside the likes of "The Wicker Man" and "Killdozer!"

Shitty Movie Review - "Ninja Annihilation War"

"He was a ninja. It was his destiny to die a ninja. So is yours."
-unnamed evil ninja

There comes a time in everyone's life where they receive their calling. I know that mine is to spread the word—the word about shitty movies. Well, I just received an even more specific calling tonight—to spread the word about "Ninja Annihilation War." Now I should preface this by saying that I have spent the past two nights and all day today watching some of the weirdest, most obscure films and found footage at the Everything Is Festival hosted by Cinefamily at the Silent Theatre. I have watched hours of Chinese wizard battles, CG hentai porn, and even a screening of "The Pelican Brief" with a new, alternative experimental soundtrack performed live. But nothing, nothing could have prepared me for "Ninja Annihilation War." The video excerpt looked promising, but I started to panic when the presenter hyped it up. He explained the background of this particular VHS cassette, that it was found at a flea market labeled only as "NAW." That it was made in the 1980s when the ninja boom was at its craziest. That it was produced and directed by the Fung (pronounced "fang") brothers using whatever Caucasian actors were available in China so as to push the films international appeal. He even described the actors as, if your mom had divorced and was dating a man who did cardboard recycling—and it was his friends that were in the movie. All of this sounded too good to be true.

I won't go over the plot, because I can't—there really isn't one. I could try and fudge my way through it, but then I would only have to ask myself again, was that really the case? Was that really what happened? So instead I present you with snapshots of the movie instead, which do absolutely no justice to this amazing, amazing masterpiece. Over the course of the movie, you'll get to meet several incredible characters—then promptly forget about them. If you thought Michael Bay had cornered the market on continuity errors or plot holes, then ninjacide yourself. He is merely a rank amateur compared to the Fung brothers. After all, the main character (if you could indeed call him that) has trouble deciding when he has mustache, and when he doesn't.

There were a lot of things I did not know about ninja before watching this movie, and even more things that I thought were true about ninja I learned were not true. Like that they are all Asian—all the best ninja are white. And that the Soviet Union often used ninja as messengers. And that ninja aren't real—they're actually myths. Did you also know that it's a ninja legend that when a sword comes on top of another sword and it's covered with a red sheet, that it is a ninja challenge to duel that cannot not be accepted. I didn't know that, but thanks to "Ninja Annihilation War," now I do.

There are a lot of ninja in this movie. You don't title a movie "Ninja Annihilation War" without showing a few ninja, and show ninja they did. All different ninja colors. The ninja-black garbed ninja are only the lowliest of ninja, as the top tier ninja sport different ninja-colored ninja uniforms, like ninja-gold, ninja-blue, ninja-red, ninja-white, or my ninja-favorite, ninja-tigerstripe. And just so that the audience can be certain of who is a ninja, they wear brightly colored ninja headbands that say "Ninja" on them, often with a little ninja silhouette breaking up the word into "Nin" and "ja." Plus many of them sport manly Selleckesque ninja mustaches. And that whole ninja-covering-up-the-face thing? Real ninja only do that when they ninja fight. Otherwise it's ninja time to let that ninja mustache ninja breathe.

There's one really special part, too, and you will not miss it, nor will you ever forget it. A Chinese man comes home to find his wife in the shower. She entices him to scrub her back, so without even taking off his suit he jumps into the shower and starts kissing and rubbing on her. Never once does he actually scrub her back. They take it directly from the shower to the bed where miraculously they're completely dry. Then you see his balls. Twice. The scene ends with the two, completely nude, positioning into a 69. Only one other time have I seen this sex act performed in a mainstream movie, and that was "A History of Violence." The one in "Ninja Annihilation War" wins.

Much like it's history, in many ways the movie is a series of mysteries. Where are they? Could be Japan, could be Hong Kong, I lost track. When are they? At last check it was 10 years later, even though everyone was younger. Who was Billy? Who was the guy that killed Billy? Why did the guy in the wheelchair bring both beer (two cans out of a six pack) and wine to the meeting? Why didn't they have the meeting somewhere paved? How come nobody noticed the drugs in the lunchbox covered in aluminum foil? Where did the main character's wife go? Did she ever finish making the drunken crab dish after the crabs attacked her and he threw a ninja dirk at them? Who was the man he was following that was also a ninja? Who were the Jared Leto lookalike and the other cop dude? Who was that ninja who ran up the mountain for five minutes and what did he mean when he got to the top and yelled, "NINJAAAAA!!!" Did the German gymnast ever hook up with a ninja mentor? Where did Rick go with his bald head and pink sleeveless turtleneck? How did that drug dealer fit all of those joints into his mouth without damaging the goods? Who were the man and woman who got their own car chases in the movie? What happened to that woman after she beat up all those guys then collapsed on the ground? Why was that sex scene in the movie? And where can I get a copy of this movie?

The answer to that last question is the only one I can answer definitively, and sadly that answer is nowhere. As far as anyone knows, only one copy of the film exists, and it lies in the protective hands of the Alamo Drafthouse. These guardians protect the sacred NAW VHS, transporting it to various film events for special viewings. In many ways, they are like the Knights Templar, protectors of a holy artifact. But at the same time, they are also like missionaries, purveyors of that holy artifact. And I am but a lowly disciple, spreading the word. But please, heed my word. For if you should ever come across the opportunity to watch this movie, do so without any hesitation or doubt. I cannot stress this enough. Knowing what I now know, I will forever be chasing this film. If it weren't for the fact that Mrs. Winterbottom was also there and had seen it with me, I would think that what I saw was but a myth. And it is indeed a myth, but a myth that is as true and real as you or me.

My shitty movie rating: 10 turds out of 10NAW. The NAW scale is a specialized scale. After viewing "Ninja Annihilation War" I realized that my scale was completely off. Since how could "Ninja Annihilation War" be a 10 if "Anaconda" was also a 10? Now "The Wicker Man" should be and is a 10. But it is also not a 10 as "Ninja Annihilation War" is a 10. Thus the NAW modifies the current scale and adjusts it. A normalized 10 would only be like an 8NAW on the NAW scale. A 10NAW would be something like a 20 on the normalized scale.

Shitty Movie Review - "Deadly Prey"

A few months ago, Everything Is Terrible! released a trash compactor (2 minutes of the best scenes) of the 1987 film "Deadly Prey," and it generated a buttload of interest from denizens of the interweb. Imagine if you made a copy of a copy of a copy of Rambo, but each time you kept injecting a healthy dose of steroids (I guess that's kind of what Rambo IV was like) and that is "Deadly Prey," only better! So after months of procrastinating, my friends and I decided to plunge into the world of mercenaries and manhunters running through the jungles of Southern California (Riverside to be more precise).

Now here's the good news—and there's only good news. As good as the trash compactor is, like all great shitty movies, "Deadly Prey" is so much greater than the parts of its sum. The plot basically covers a group of mercenaries that train in the jungle 75 miles southeast of Los Angeles by hunting people that they kidnap right off the streets. Because if you really want to know how best to prepare against trained fighters, it's best to first practice against couch potatoes and stay-at-home dads. Well, they get more than they bargained for when they drag in legendary Marine and Vietnam War veteran Mike Danton (Ted Prior, brother to director David A. Prior), the best soldier ever produced by the mercenary's head, Colonel John Hogan (David Campbell).

Over the course of days, Danton outwits, outruns, and outguns Hogan's men, all while clad in only only his tight-fitting cutoff denim shorts. It becomes a game of cat and mouse between the former teacher and student. At Hogan's side are the sadistic Lieutenant Thornton and bosomy Sybil. Not to be outdone, Danton has his buddy-turned-mercenary Jack Cooper (William Zipp) watching his back, while his father-in-law (Cameron Mitchell) is also on the search for him. What ensues are 88 minutes of the manliest jungle fighting known to, well, anybody. Rambo may have ripped out a guys throat and disintegrated people with machine guns, but I don't think he ever used a machete to cut off a guys arm and beat him to death with it.

As far as problems go, this film really has none that I can highlight here. Sure, it has the typical over-acting/bad acting, but it's all so good! The movie is all that it says it is or claims to be and then some. Watch the trash compactor but know that what you are watching is only the tip of the iceberg. This is a fine masterwork from the vault of shitty movies.

As an added bonus, the creators of "Deadly Prey" are hoping to make a sequel and need your help. They hope to raise $150,000 to start production on "Deadliest Prey," the direct sequel to "Deadly Prey." To pledge funding (and possibly star in the movie), visit their Kickstarter page.

My shitty movie rating: 10 turds out of 10. A forgotten classic.

Shitty Movie Review - "When in Rome"

Sometimes you see a trailer and you just know that the film is going to be awful, and then you can't wait for it to come to Netflix. "When in Rome" is that film. I knew from the moment that a comically-wigged Will Arnett was pictured in front of an obvious bluescreen mural that I would have to see this film. It had me at wiggy Will and bluescreen.

From the very opening seconds the caliber of "When in Rome" is quite clear. Stilted dialog, forced situations, predictable, overly-long jokes, bizarre casting, and poorly executed and unnecessary CG sequences overload the film. Despite all that it is very much a modern day slapstick film a la the Marx Bros. or Three Stooges, except that it's a romantic comedy and technically not good. Much of the film feels like it was designed as a joke on the viewer. But I for one relished the joke.

Without saying why they are in the film, I just want to rattle off some of the better known actors and personalities who contributed to the film: Kristin Bell, Josh Duhamel, Will Arnett, Dax Shepard, Dan Heder, Danny Devito, Anjelica Huston, Don Johnson, Alexis Dziena, Ghostface Killah, Lawrence Taylor, Shaquille O'Neal, and David Lee. This is a remarkable and eclectic cast that never in a million years would anyone have predicted would all be appearing in a film together. The seemingly random appearances by some of these people throughout the movie had me jumping out of my chair with my fists raised in the air—"Why, why are you, [insert actor's name here], in this movie?" As magic is one of the major plot devices in this movie, so too did it feel as though everyone involved had been enchanted and forced into participating in something that subconsciously everyone knew must have been wrong.

I must admit that I'm a bit torn over some of the gags. For the most part they are horrible. But at the same time I was laughing out loud at them, so I am uncertain whether the film can be considered genuinely funny at times or merely funny-but-not-really-in-the-way-it-was-intended-to-be-funny funny. You can pretty much spot the oncoming jokes from a mile away as they race towards the present a horse and buggy version of Doc Brown's Delorean. Watch any slapstick movie from the '30s or '40s and chances are that one of those jokes are in this movie, only dragged out even longer for maximum pain. One sequence features a vase that Kristin Bell's character is supposed to break, only it won't. Instead it bounces around oblivious to the rules of physics, smashing other objects and injuring people in the process. Now this has been done before, and it wouldn't even be that awful if it didn't feel like an eternity before the scene ends. As if that wasn't bad enough, the makers of this film thought that if a joke is good once, then clearly it should be good for two or more times. And in a way, they're right—the same joke twice is bad, the same joke three times is laughably bad.

Perhaps the ending credit sequence best symbolizes the movie overall. It features all of the principle characters dancing in front of a bluescreen with a poorly represented Rome as the backdrop. With the exception of Rome in the background and the actors from the movie, this sequence has nothing to do with anything else in the film. Perhaps it was fun for everyone involved in the making of the film, so maybe the viewer can take solace in knowing that someone derived some inkling of enjoyment from this film. That being said though, I did enjoy this film in all its shitty glory such that while I typically take notes while I watch a film, I enjoyed this one so thoroughly that I had trouble tearing my eyes and ears away for the most part. It is crap, but pure grade A crap.

My shitty movie rating: 9 out of 10 turds. This is a modern day shitty classic.

Shitty Movie Review - "Fire Birds"

Yesterday inspired a lot of things, like more specialty rice burgers. But it also inspired me to watch my 52nd Nicolas Cage movie that I had been sitting on for over six months.

You know, you just know a movie is going to be quality when it starts off with a quote from George H.W. Bush. To describe "Fire Birds" accurately, I would say that it is like "Top Gun," but instead of F-14 Tomcat fighter jets, you have AH-64 Apache helicopters, and instead of fighting the Soviets, the U.S. is fighting drug cartels, and instead of the U.S. Navy, it's D.E.A., and instead of several MiGs, it's one chopper (and a couple of crappy Saab 35 Draakens), and instead of being good, it's kind of not. Only kind of because, well, it's a Nic Cage movie. And a Tommy Lee Jones movie. And a Sean Penn movie. That, in a nutshell, is the essence of "Fire Birds" Plus there are a lot more flight simulators. And there's a scene where Nicolas Cage drives around in a jeep with panties over his eyes.

In order to top the drama of "Top Gun," Director David Green got his actors to emote by having them open there eyes wide, right before they get hit by a missile. Prior to that the actors acted as though they were told to imagine themselves as the other other right fielder in a little league game where none of the kids can hit beyond second base. I'm pretty sure the direction was something like, "Be bored, be bored, be bored ... Now missile's about to hit, open those eyes wide! WIDE!!!" Even Nicolas Cage got the same direction.

Regarding the flight sequences, they were exciting, but they got me believing the Apache could pretty much fly through the eye of the needle backwards if it wanted to. If you thought those Tomcats were agile, check out the Apache. The editing makes the thing look like a freaking hummingbird on steroids. Flippies, loop-de-loops, Pugachev's Cobra, these things could do it all. They even take out a jet with rockets—not missiles—rockets. Granted, that jet pilot was pretty dumb, but still. The second jet got shot down by Sean Young who, under the instruction of Tommy Lee Jones, pulled a Stinger missile off the downed Apache, loaded it into a shoulder-launched system, and took it out.

I have to recognize Tommy Lee Jones for his performance. No one plays curmudgeonly like Jones. He also got the best minute of dialog with about four breaths in between. Here's the script excerpt, with Tommy Lee Jones as Brad Little and Nicolas Cage as Jake Preston.

BRAD LITTLE
It's beautiful in an ugly kind of way somebody called it a flying race car with guns but that's bullshit it's not that simple. Here. Put your hands here, here and there, put your feet here, here, here, and here, and here, do not step here (breath) or there.
(Seven second pause with a breath)
That's it, crawl right on in there, lad. Riding in the gunner's seat of this aircraft at a 150 knots through the treetops is like having your ass strapped to the nose of a bullet.
(Breath)
Basically you will be flying like a bat out of Hell, you will be shooting at the enemy, you will be jinking around, dodging bullets, and missiles, and rocks, and arrows, and spears, and ducks, and geese.
(Breath)

JAKE PRESTON
Sounds like a full time job.

BRAD LITTLE
Boy you will be busier than a three-peckered goat.

Sadly that's the peak of the dialog, and it never got better than that, but what a doozy. I was breathless just from listening to it. Well, that's not entirely true. There was the one line where Nicolas Cage's character says, "I'm gonna kill him now!" Why thank you, thank you Nicolas Cage for letting me know what you were going to do right before you did it. I really need the warning.

The one real standout Nicolas Cage scene, though, had him in a large helicopter simulator playing a game that was essentially Virtua Chopper. He was only piloting the thing mind you, so the gunner was the one actually shooting things down. For thirty seconds of this scene, Nicolas Cage yelled "I am the greatest!" over and over and louder and louder until his lungs gave out. But really, how could anybody deny the truth?

And to end on one final note for both Mrs. Winterbottom and Decepticon Sky Commander A, the answer is yes, Nicolas Cage does kick the air. He kicks it hard.

My shitty movie rating: 7.5 turds out of 10. Quite respectable and worth a look, especially if you enjoyed "Top Gun" but despised the smart dialog and homoerotic undertones.

Shitty Movie Review - "All About Steve"

I had heard a couple of extremely scathing reviews for "All About Steve" when it first came out, and I made a note at the time that I would have to see it. Several months later Sandra Bullock won the coveted Razzie for her portrayal of Mary Horowitz in the film, and I still had not seen it. A couple of months ago I had started to watch it, but paused ten minutes in because I couldn't pay attention while cooking. Sadly I lost my spot in the movie and wasn't able to watch it then. But today, today I finally had the chance to watch it, and was not disappointed.

First off, I don't feel that Sandra Bullock was truly deserving of her Razzie for this movie. Then again I don't feel she was truly deserving of her Oscar either. She puts on a brave performance as Mary Horowitz, a red-booted, thirty-something-year-old crossword puzzle writer afflicted with Asperger syndrome. Actually, the movie never explicitly states that she has Asperger syndrome, but many of the signs are there: she is physically clumsy, verbally compulsive, and socially maladjusted. And she nails this character, she owns it. Does that make her deserving of a Razzie? I don't think so. But before you start thinking this is a good movie, it's not. After all, I wouldn't be writing about it if it was.

Aside from Miss Bullock, there's a bevy of good and not so good actors in the movie. Bradley Cooper, Thomas Haden Church, and Ken Jeong play major roles in the movie, along with Keith David, D.J. Qualls, and Katy Mixon. Charlene Yi, Lucy Davis ("The Office," BBC version), and Geraldo Rivera even have cameos. It makes one wonder what favors these actors owed Sandra Bullock, who was also a producer on the film. While Thomas Haden Church offers a strong performance as the vapid, image-consumed newsman Hartman Hughes, D.J. Qualls is sadly underused, unable to show the acting range that has made him famous (i.e. crying on command). Bradley Cooper is pretty much there as a plot device, while Ken Jeong plays yet another version of himself.

The paper-thin story is about a very socially awkward woman who finds herself stalking her dream man in hopes of achieving some normalcy, but in the process makes real friends and finds that she doesn't really need her dream man to be normal. But what it's really about is social and mental disorders and how a social group can redefine you. Also, it's a satire on news media and news networks. A weak satire, but a satire nonetheless. The news is made out to be superficial, hype machines that really lack human emotion in comparison to Mary, a person who seemingly lacks human characteristics but it's all right because she has friends.

So here's the real question: what's with all the bronzer in this film? It's like a movie starring Oompa Loompas. Just looking at the poster makes you wonder what black-haired, jaundice-colored Ken Jeong is doing there. And if that isn't enough, why not tone down the exposure of the film. Was the director trying to make a shitty version of "Vidas Secas?" (Yeah, obscure reference, but if you get it you're a real film nerd.) If I had to describe the tone of the film, I would have to say it was orange.

I'd have to admit I'm a little bit torn over "All About Steve." Is it a bad movie? Yes. Is it a horrible movie? Yes. Is it a good movie? Hell no. Is it the worst movie of the year? No. Would I watch it again? Yes. It's definitely a shitty movie, yet it still doesn't feel nearly as bad as all the critics made it out to be. In some ways it feels more honest than "The Blind Side," or more entertaining than "The Proposal." Either way I can solidly recommend this movie, and suggest that you watch it along with those other two acclaimed 2009 Sandra Bullock movies and make your own judgments.

My shitty movie rating: 8 out of 10. Not Razzie bad, but good bad.

Shitty Movie Review - "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale"

I really am going about this all wrong. Usually when I review a shitty movie, I watch it just prior to writing so that I have a fresh take on it, but in this case I plan on reviewing "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale" all from memory. This is also only the second Uwe Boll movie I've seen, so I'm not judging it against his other classic works such as "House of the Dead" or "Bloodrayne" which I also hope to get around to viewing.

As with all Uwe Boll movies, this one has a star-studded cast: Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds, Ron Perlman, Claire Forlani, Kristanna Loken, Leelee Sobieski, Matthew Lillard, Claire Forlani, and Gimli. How Boll gets so many name actors in his movies I will never know, unless he's actually Satan and or his casting director has shit on all these people. In any case it's an incredibly eclectic cast that further enhances an experience that only Boll can construct.

As for the story, I won't really waste much of your time there. Something about Jason Statham as a farmer referred to as "Farmer," Ray Liotta as a wizard from New Jersey, and Burt Reynolds as a disinterested king and one of the few actors who visibly looks like he wishes he was anywhere but in this movie. Jason Statham's family is slaughtered by the Krug, a shittier version of Orcs, which if I'm not mistaken came from mud. (Ed. note: I might be mixing up the Orcs origin from "Lord of the Rings," but either way the Krug were more ridiculous.) Yes, they're mud orcs, and Ray Liotta controls them. They even kill Farmer's son, a heinous act, but one which the audience overlooks because they're trying to figure out why witness protection has placed Henry Hill in a castle as a wizard controlling Krug via Krug-vision. If he's such a powerful wizard, why is he remote-controlling the Krug to kill defenseless kids and grandparents with one foot in the grave? When the Krug kidnap Farmer's wife, a visibly aged Claire Forlani, Farmer sets out along with fellow neighbor, Ron Perlman, on a quest to recover his wife and to seek vengeance.

When the movie isn't caught up in the requisite sword fighting, wizardy, and magical-boomerang throwing (Statham, the Transporter, thug, and all-around tough guy fights with a boomerang that always comes back, because that's what farmers do), it's filled with sweeping aerial shots of the British Columbia coastline. I watched the extended director's cut which featured a whopping additional 45 minutes, about half of which was aerial shots. We get it, it's a fantasy movie. If you were only the slightest bit annoyed by the aerial shots in the "Lord of the Rings" series, prepare to be driven mad by the director that is Uwe Boll. I know those shots are expensive, but it doesn't mean you have to use all the shots you take. Twice.

Despite these distractions, there are two things worth seeing in this movie. the first is Ray Liotta versus Jason Statham in a Matrix-style showdown. Ray Liotta throws fireballs and flies through the air on wires. Nuff said there. But the real reason to see this movie is Matthew Lillard's scene-stealing performance as the conniving Duke Fallow, nephew to the king. I can only remember one of his lines (a haughtily exuded "huzzah, huzzah!") but his performance will haunt you. He goes so over the top, he comes up from the bottom again in a case where the actor clearly knows the movies is shite, and performs it that way seeing if the director will stop him. And God bless Uwe Boll, because he just lets him go. In fact, that pretty much seems the case with everybody in the movie. Do whatever you want. Hey you, Ray, I loved you in "Goodfellas," be more like that. Lillard gives the roll of a lifetime, chewing on the dialog before letting it dribble floridly from his lips. When he's not on the screen and especially whenever there's aerial shots or Krug-vision, you hope he'll be back soon. If only he performed all his parts this way.

While the director's cut might not warrant a viewing, definitely check out the theatrical cut. It's a head-scratching experience but enjoyable in the way shitty movies are. Believe me, without Freddie Prinze, Jr. to rain on his parade, Matthew Lillard is aces all the way.

My shitty movie rating: 8.5 out of 10. Matthew Lillard is astounding!

Shitty Movie Review - "Space Truckers"

Well, it's been a long time since my last shitty movie review. But to be honest, "Killdozer!" is a pretty tough act to follow, so I had to take a break. But now I'm back with more shitty movie reviews and hopefully you'll find something to your liking.
___



"That was some of the best driving I've ever seen."
-Mike Pucci

With the passing of Dennis Hopper earlier this year, my friends and I wanted to do something to honor him—so we had a mini-movie marathon of some of his greatest films. "Space Truckers" is one such film. A classic staple of late night television unwatched, many have heard of "Space Truckers," some have seen parts of it, and fewer have sat through all 95 minutes of it.

It starts out promising enough, with an opening setup reminiscent of the rebels lining the hall of the Tantive IV right before the slew of stormtroopers busts in and starts ripping shit up. But instead of an army of stormtroopers, it's one incredibly cheesy looking robot that looks like the lovechild of the xenomorph from "Alien" and the predator's shoulder cannon from "Predator." It's pretty hard to take this sophisticated, state-of-the-art war machine seriously when it has a pincer for a left hand. Really, did the scientists not want it to be able to pick things up with its left hand? Is pinching the future's answer to this century's Brazilian jujitsu? Good thing it's a got a switch blade built into it's left arm. And if that's where the film starts ... you really shouldn't expect a whole lot in the way of serious cinema, but that's okay.

See, "Space Truckers" is one of those movies you'd swear came out in the mid 80s. It reminds me a lot of "Robot Jox" in terms of its aesthetics (read crappy special effects), and even that movie was released in 1990. But no, it's not from the 80s, it's not even from the early 90s. This movie was released in 1996. By comparison, "Jurassic Park" came out in 1993. Hell, "Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope" came out in 1977, and the special effects in that film blow "Space Truckers" away. But the lack of believable special effects is not really a detriment to the film, as it's more of a charm point. The effects are quaint by today's standards, even by yesterday's standards. This movie isn't trying to be a blockbuster special effects movie, and on that note it succeeds. For example, vector graphics are all over the HUDs in this movie. It makes me want to play that old PC tank game I had back in the day.

There are plenty of bright spots in the film. The gates and trucking lanes are pretty cool, and one can see the influence that "Space Truckers" had on "Cowboy Bebop," especially in Session 7's "Heavy Metal Queen." I also have to give a lot of credit to the set designers who really put a lot of work and effort into all the little background details, like the advertisements and the signage.

As for the characters, Dennis Hopper as John Canyon delivers as good a performance as a completely sober Hopper can, as a character who is neither a drug addict or an alcoholic. Debbie Mazar plays a space version amalgam of pretty much every other character she's played, and Stephen Dorff is Stephen Dorff, getting topless and showing off his body in the almost nude and sweaty second act. I was surprised to see Charles Dance of Numsy in "The Golden Child" fame in a fairly comic role as Nabel/Macanudo, the half-human, half robot scientist that created the abomination mentioned earlier. Most people who've seen part of the movie will remember that he looks like Hacker from "Centurions" and that he has a pull-start robo-penis with blinking blue LEDs (hey, it's just like my 'puter). Oh, and hey, there's Norm from "Cheers!"

If this still isn't enough to get you to watch the movie there's also this: square pigs.

Dennis Hopper left behind a legacy of films, and "Space Truckers" is right up there at the top, along with "Hoosiers," "Speed," and "Super Mario Brothers." As his character John Canyon puts it in the movie, "For a son of a bitch gimp racist murderer, he died okay." Indeed, indeed.

My shitty movie rating: 6.5 out of 10. It's worth watching, especially with group of friends, but unless you're a Dennis Hopper fan or Stephen Dorff fan, you may not want to watch it multiple times within the year. Maybe a once every one or two year dealy.

Shitty Movie Review - "Killdozer!"

Disclaimer: For some of my friends (you know who you are), refrain from reading this review until you've seen the film as there are some spoilers that, while they most likely won't lessen your love for the movie, might be better left unknown for the time being.
End disclaimer.

You know a movie will be good when people talk about it like a myth, but it is impossible to find a copy. Now I'd heard of "Killdozer!" through friends who in turn heard about it on the "Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien." It is impossible to buy a legitimate copy of "Killdozer!" but I was able to find a bootleg broadcast recording of it as an .avi file.

The film is based on a 1944 novella by Theodore Sturgeon. It took another 30 years before technology would reach the point that they could bring the novella to life.

The film does not strive to be anything more than what it is. Essentially everything you need to know is in the title: "Killdozer!" The author was able to sum up his story in a concise, straightforward, original one-word exclamation. It's a bulldozer that kills.

It is difficult to stress how amazing this movie is. Typically when I watch a movie, I try to tear it apart to see what I could do to push it back and forth over the line of common-sense film-making, to see how it could have been better, or at least smarter, then just the opposite to see how I could make it stupider. Usually I push harder for the stupider. "Killdozer!" managed to out-think me and go the extra step I would have done to defy all logic while still staying within the strict confines of the rules it sets for itself. In other words, you won't see Killdozer fly, but you will see it hiding and peeping out of the bushes, taunting people, and generally being a dick.

It is similar in plot to "Duel" which preceded it, and "Jaws" and "Christine" that followed it. Instead of a killer truck or shark, imagine a heavy bulldozer—a very slow bulldozer—that is slowly killing off the engineers and workers at an isolated Liberian construction site. I know what you're thinking—why can't they leave? Well, because they have job to do, dammit, and because they're lazy and can't run away from the unstoppable force that is Killdozer. In movies of this caliber, there is no shortage of idiocy amongst the principal characters. A character will make claims of a rogue bulldozer, yet no one will believe him and at the same time the bulldozer is clearly missing and no one else could have taken it. And no one goes looking for it. La-zee.

At one point two of the remaining characters stand at the top of a steep incline. One of them asks whether he thinks the incline is too steep for Killdozer to climb. The other character responds that, "given enough time, it can make roads anywhere."

One character, the foreman, refuses to walk further than ten feet, opting every time to hop into his jeep and drive the ten to fifteen feet to where he needs to go. It isn't until the end that he is forced to walk more than ten feet under his own strength.

Another character is so blatantly a closet homosexual it's remarkable that he even remained as is in the script. He constantly reminisces about the times he spent with his best friend, a "beautiful kid," who dies early on in the movie. He mentions getting into barroom brawls with him at his side and skinny dipping with him in Iraq. Then he invites others to join him for a midnight swim. He's always trying to pair off with one of the other guys. When it's suggested they form a threesome, he always refuses. One is enough for him.

This film has taught me many things. Why walk ten feet when you can drive? Bulldozers often go rogue. It's more important to bury your comrades than to try to stop a bulldozer from killing you. That an avalanche of small pebbles is life threatening. That rusty corrugated steel pipes make for a bad escape. That one and a half days is an impossible eternity. That Killdozer hates smoke.

I apologize for the lack of a picture, but this movie is so rad that even decent pictures are scarce.

My shitty movie rating: A perfect 10. This has to be one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. I laughed so hard I cried. It's like "Night of a 1000 Cats" or "The Wicker Man" good.

Shitty Movie Review - "Anaconda"

I suppose this is long overdue and a bit unnecessary. After all, "Anaconda" came out 13 years ago in 1997. But I would also be remiss if I didn't include a review of it.

I should come clean though and admit never having actually sat through all of "Anaconda" until now. I knew about Jon Voight's accent, the constant sneer, and the wink, but I had never taken the time to fully absorb the film, and did I ever miss out. Without "Anaconda," would there have been a "Deep Rising?" Or how about "Lake Placid?" "Snakes on a Plane?" And would the SyFy channel even exist? "Anaconda" has surely had an effect on the landscape of film that cannot be denied.

While I acknowledge it's impact, I find it difficult to consider "Anaconda" a shitty film, as it's clear director Luis Llosa knew what he was doing, as did Jon Voight. A rank amateur auteur wouldn't have been able to make the camera movement choices that Llosa did and a rank acting amateur couldn't have delivered the over-the-top performance that Voight did. Only a savvy director with no budget would know that you can take an earlier scene of a boat landing on the rock and run the footage in reverse to show the boat leaving the rock, even if there is a waterfall in the background with water that defies gravity. The film was clearly conceived and filmed as a schlock-"Jaws" for a new generation and it more than less delivers. With everything so intentional, can it truly be shitty? In its own way it's quite respectable, so onward to the highlights.

Clearly the role of Paraguayan snake hunter Paul Sarone was the role of a lifetime for Voight. Forget "Midnight Cowboy," Voight crafted a memorable character that will last forever. Whenever someone gets swallowed by anything only to be vomited up then wink, that person will forever be compared to Voight's Sarone. His accent and physical affectations were so eerily otherworldly, haunting even, as he combined the best elements of the Tim Curry School of Acting, Jack Lalanne, and someone's creepy grandfather. He arguably stole the movie away from the snake. It should have been called "Voight," starring Anaconda, J-Lo, Ice Cube, pre-funny pre-suicidal Owen Wilson, and Danny Trejo in yet another minor role in which he proved to be awesome. Plus Eric Stolz in a role where he got to lie down out of sight for half the movie.

I should also comment on Kari Wuhrer, the other actress in the movie aside from J-Lo. I still lament the day I found out Kari Wuhrer lived on my street, only to find out she had already moved away. I knew her largely from countless B-movies that played on Showtime and Skinemax. She was pretty hot, and almost always getting naked. Sadly, she didn't get naked enough in "Anaconda" (maybe that's what makes it shitty), but I understand having to make sacrifices to further your career. After having been fully naked in so many movies, it only followed that she would take a different route by giving audiences something different—like hiding her boobs. I don't agree with it, but I reluctantly understand.

And then there's the snake. The anaconda was like the rebel of the snake world, refusing to play by the rules of reality. Who knew a large, cold-blooded reptile with no legs could move like Michael Jackson on crack? Or that it was related to the shrieking eels? Seriously if it weren't for political instability, these anacondas would be the number one reason why I would never ever go near South America.

So "Anaconda," while perhaps not fully shitty, stands as a paragon to other shitty monster movies. It is what these movies should aspire to, much as how "Congo" should be the archetype for movies about signing apes rather than "Project X." It rightfully deserves its reputation of horribly-shitty-but-undeniably-entertaining-schlock-monster movie, and that's something that even "Jaws" can't claim.

My shitty movie rating: 10 turds out of 10. King of the Dung Heap.

Shitty Movie Review - "Congo"

I don't read too many books on account of my being impatient, but I did read "Congo" when I was in high school. It wasn't a great book, but it was an engaging read and I enjoyed it, so naturally I looked forward to seeing the movie. I had read and subsequently watched "Jurassic Park," and was severely disappointed, so I had my reservations about "Congo," but these were quickly blown away once the movie picked up speed. After all, who wouldn't find a movie about a talking gorilla, a Romanian treasure hunter, and a telecommunications officer going to the Congo to find home, King's Solomon's mines, and a fiance/diamond respectively only to be ambushed by killer gray apes (hereafter referred to as "grapes") engaging?

One of the main characters in the novel was a female gorilla named Amy who was trained to communicate using sign language. There was no problem relaying her communications through the written word, but that wouldn't translate so easily to the silver screen where the producers wanted to avoid subtitles. So enter the power glove, a device used to electronically interpret Amy's signing into vocalized speech. The device turned an otherwise interesting portion of the novel into something amazing. Amy (voiced by Shayna Fox) steals the movie whenever she's on screen, with lines like, "Amy ... good ... gorilla. She's quite intelligent, perhaps more so than the other characters, and has an incredibly varied vocabulary. In fact, here's a list of all the vocabulary she uses during the movie.

Amy
good
bad
gorilla
ugly
pretty
lady
hug
mother
want
rain
drop
drink
go away

Not to be outdone by Amy the gorilla is Tim Curry, as Romanian treasure hunter Herkermer Homolka. In what is yet another of his classic characters, Curry continues to defy acting as an art. He again masterfully crafts a foreign accent, Romanian/Irish this time. Like Amy, he, too, steals every scene he is in, so much so that poor Laura Linney and Dylan Walsh can't even compete.

There are several stunning set pieces in the film, but none as spectacular as the climax, which I will try not to spoil. Let's just say it involves lots of people in grape suits flying through the air while lasers, lava, and fireballs are all over the place. Sounds awesome, right? Well, it is.

If none of this is enough to coax you into watching it, then I should mention there's a wee bit of Joe Don Baker, a smidgen of Bruce Campbell, and decent helping of the guy with the Howie Mandel hair from "True Lies." The good one, not the terrorist one. Oh, and Winston Zedmore doing a British accent the whole time.

My shitty movie rating: 9 turds out of 10. Flying/frying apes!

2010 Quick Movie Recap

I feel that people are under the impression that I only watch bad movies (or shitty movies) since that's all I write about. I don't. And I don't simply review every bad movie I see. I'm actually quite selective in the ones I post about. I watch a ton of movies—nearly a movie a day—and not all of them are bad. The majority of movies I watch I feel lukewarm about, like "Ray" or "Good Will Hunting." I watch plenty of good movies, and some of them I even like. Here's a list for some of the better movies I've seen so far this year, as well as a list for some of the worst. You might notice some trends.

The Best
"All the President's Men" - There's more integrity in this than just journalistic integrity.
"Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans" - Nicolas Cage doing what Nicolas Cage does best—acting like a crazy sumbitch.
"Broadcast News" - Albert Brooks and Holly Hunter shine in this behind the scenes look at a love triangle at a news production studio.
"Death of a Salesman" - Dustin Hoffman in the performance of a lifetime as Willie Loman.
"Housesitter" - Standard romantic comedy fare, but I'm a sucker for Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn.
"Kramer vs. Kramer" - Two actors at the tops of their games.
"Last Chance Harvey" - A simple, sometimes plodding romance, but the actors are just so winning.
"The Long Goodbye" - A hypnotic, modern take on Philip Marlowe.
"The Natural" - Feel-good sports movie.
"Parenthood" - Funny and touching with a strong dramatic acting turn from Steve Martin.
"Raising Arizona" - Crazy Nicolas Cage and cute-as-a-button Holly Hunter in one of the Coen Brothers' classic comedies.
"The Spanish Prisoner" - A clever mystery box movie marred by one particularly poor actress who just happened to be the director's wife.
"Stripes"- Classic Bill Murray. He's 10 and 1.
"World's Greatest Dad" - A surprisingly touching dark comedy directed by Bobcat Goldthwait. Yes, that Bobcat Goldthwait.

The Worst
"9 Songs" - Like watching a porno where music concert footage is constantly interrupting the action. I'd rather watch real porn, because at least they have plots.
"The Adventures of Pluto Nash" - Garbage. I'd rather meet Dave.
"Bangkok Dangerous" - Neither good nor bad, which is not what I hope for in a Nicolas Cage movie.
"Confessions of a Shopaholic" - I wished she would have kept them to herself.
"Downloading Nancy" - It's supposed to be an insightful look at people's (in)abilities to relate to each other. I guess it worked, because in the end I couldn't care less what happened to the characters.
"The Girlfriend Experience" - Like watching real life slowly eat your soul.
"Ishtar" - This was actually pretty funny, and I might review it in the future if I can only get that first song out of my head.
"Love And Other Disasters" - I think Britney Murphy was supposed to be British in this, but I'm not sure. Too bad she didn't die before making this one.
"Meet Dave" - My mom recommended this to me. Now I second guess every movie she suggests.
"P2" - This was pretty, damn hilarious. I loved the part when the guy rammed his car into the other guy multiple times, spilling his guts.
"The Princess of Nebraska" - See "The Girlfriend Experience."
"Serendipity" - I wanted to kill Kate Beckinsale in this movie, and I like Kate Beckinsale.
Shortcut to Happiness - Poor Alec Baldwin, he directed this remake of "The Devil and Daniel Webster." I tried to find the shitty in this, but couldn't. It's just bad.
"Sugar and Spice" - Nothing nice about this one.
"Paul Blart: Mall Cop" - It didn't look good from the previews, and guess what? It wasn't.
"The Wannabes" - I only watched this because Isla Fisher is in it. Surprise, it's Australian. And it's crap.
"Year One" - Why Harold Ramis?! You've brought us "Caddyshack," "National Lampoon's Vacation," and "Groundhog Day." Why do you hate us now?

Shitty Movie Review - "Cool as Ice"

I've been jonesing for a shitty movie lately. Somehow I managed to fit in a week's worth of good movies (including a couple of Nicolas Cage films) that left me needing to satisfy my fix. Out of a huge stack of options, I settled upon "Cool as Ice." Actually, "settled upon" makes it sound like less than a compromise—I wanted to watch "Cool as Ice." I really wasn't sure of what I was getting into, but I'd have to say I was pleasantly surprised. It doesn't bode too well when the movie is a romance and the poster shows that the lead actor would rather stare off into space than look at his girlfriend. It was horrible, but not nearly as bad as I expected it to be.

First off, I wanted to state that I firmly believe in the historical relevance of this film. "Cool as Ice" symbolizes everything that was wrong with America in the early 90s: the commercialization of hip hop culture, posers, fashion, and tweener films. It's like a time capsule that everyone wishes we had buried and forgot. I'm surprised the United States National Film Registry hasn't deemed the film "culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant."

The film follows white rapper Vanilla Ice as Johnny Van Owen, an other-side-of-the-tracks biker who runs with an all black posse. When his buddy's bike break down while riding through a small, conservative, predominantly white town, they're forced to put down roots temporarily. Then he meets a girl, blah blah blah. ... The story is crap, plain and simple. But it's all the little touches here and there that make this film good.

I still prefer his performance in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze," but Johnny will forever be Vanilla Ice's quintessential role. Here he gets all the cool/lame lines, walks like a chicken, spins way more than any normal person should, does air splits, and wears his own dialog. He's really going for broke in this film, pushing the very boundaries of what it means to be an actor. Underneath the bravado hides a sensitivity and natural ignorance that only the most gifted actors can portray. Although he represents a young man in the film, his character is that of a little boy. When he meets a girl he likes, what does he do? He tries to impress her by jumping a fence with a motorcycle which scares the horse she's riding on to buck her off. Then he steals her planner. It's schoolyard romance at its finest. But sadly, despite a cocksure performance, he is undermined by a subversive director.

Director David Kellogg is primarily a commercial and music video director which is evident from the movie's quick cuts and lack of silence. He could have made a standard teen angst romance movie that reverberated with a constant backbeat, but instead he had to make it memorable with all sorts of bizarre choices. The movie was rated PG, and clearly the producers wanted to appeal to the widest possible audience. But the movie doesn't make it clear who the target audience is. A teen romance with the gritty reality that Vanilla Ice represents should have appealed to teens and college-age movie goers, but when the rap and R&B music isn't playing, Kellogg underscores scenes with clown music. And old lady hip hop dancing. He also plays with time, undercranking the camera to speed through otherwise mundane scenes that would have offered a break from the monotony of Vanilla Ice's screen presence. Also, there isn't a single action that isn't punctuated by a DJ scratch.

At one point Johnny's love interest, Kathy Winslow (played by Kristin Minter), goes to a dance where the band is performing an uninspired rock version of "Love to Love You Baby." Then it gets all beer commercial as Ice pulls the band's plug and busts a rhyme with a hip hop version of the song as "Luve 2 Love U," bringing the dull party to life.

There's also a lot of fighting. Bad fighting. With the amount of time they spent to choreograph the dancing, they could have at least used any amount of time setting up the fight sequences. This is where Mr. Ice was at his weakest, and it shows.

I do have to give a shoutout to Janusz Kaminski, the two-time Academy-Award-winning cinematographer, who lensed "Cool as Ice." To think that he even worked on another movie is quite remarkable.

Sadly, the movie is only available on VHS at this time, as well as Netflix streaming. But if you have an opportunity to see "Cool as Ice," you shouldn't deny yourself. Someday you'll be telling your grandchildren about it.

My shitty movie rating: 7 turds out of 10. Worth a look!

Shitty Movie Review - "Stiletto"

This is long overdue. I first watched "Stiletto" several months ago via Netflix, largely because it stars Stana Katic of "Castle" fame, but also because it has an all-star cast. The film features one of the guys from "Major League" (Tom Berenger), the guy from "The Cutting Edge" (D.B. Sweeney), the girl from the "Lolita" remake (Dominique Swain), a reunion from "The Rock" (William Forsythe and Michael Biehn), "Martial Law"'s Miss Hawaii (Kelly Hu), and the guy from "Heat" who also dated Heidi Fleiss (Tom Sizemore). With a cast like that, it's hard to believe more people haven't heard of the movie. Netflix didn't have enough room to list everyone, so watching the movie was like a surprise who's who of what the hell, meaning it was excellent.

The movie "stars" Stana Katic as Raina, a woman hellbent on getting revenge for the crimes Virgil Vardalos (Tom Berenger) and his associates committed against her sister. I use the term, "star," loosely, since, although she is one of the principle characters, she does not have that many lines. But she does look hot in the movie, and she kills a lot of A-holes with the aforementioned stiletto, which is a switchblade with the largest, most awkward handle ever. Sure, it's larger handle size allows for a larger blade, but it's the size of a brick. And she doesn't carry a purse in every scene, so I don't even want to think of where she stashes that thing.

Tom Berenger plays her former lover, mob boss Virgil Vadalos. Yeah, he's supposed to be Greek, but I'm not sure if anyone told him. William Forsythe plays Alex, his right-hand man. Forsythe turns in one of the film's bright performances as a man who doesn't know whether he's Greek or Russian. His accent drops more than a T-Mobile call in the mid '90s. Good, old Michael Biehn plays Lee, the displaced mob lieutenant trying to get back into Virgil's good graces. That, and he doesn't know the difference between a crow bar and a tire iron. In one scene, he threatens to kill Raina with what he calls a crow bar, but is obviously a tire iron. Hilarity ensues in the subsequent scene.

The actual star of the movie is Paul Sloan as Beck, a crooked cop helping Virgil find Raina, because even though she stabbed him and cut him Godfather-Part-II-style, he still loves her. Sloan also wrote the movie, which is why it's not surprising that he gets a lot of screen time despite not being necessarily integral to the story. Plus he wrote himself a scene where he makes out with Kelly Hu.

The movie is filled with snappy dialog ("Don't take this the wrong way, but you're pretty hot for a crack whore."), gratuitous violence (belt sanding things not meant to be belt sanded), irrelevant car chases, pseudo-Japanese geisha martial arts dinner theater, and Kelly Hu as both eye candy and eye vomit, literally.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention something about the cover. The movie is called "Stiletto." Raina uses a stiletto to kill people, though not exclusively. So why is it that she appears on the one shot holding two pistols John-Woo-style? I rest my case. This movie is so bad-ass, it refuses to make sense.

My shitty movie rating: 9 turds out of 10. Life-altering!

Additional notes: The director, Nick Vallelonga, has also done some acting. He has appeared, uncredited of course, in "The Godfather," "Splash," "Prizzi's Honor," and "Goodfellas." He's also appeared in a certain show, in an episode I've seen recently ... "Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction." He was the baker who saw Satan in the oven!

Shitty Movie Review - Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

I recently suffered through a string of bad movies, including America's Sweethearts, Serendipity, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Osmosis Jones, and Mixed Nuts. After such disappointment, I didn't have the time nor the attention span to dedicate to any truly good movies, so instead I went in the opposite direction, looking for a truly bad movie. 2000's Battlefield Earth has been maligned to the ends of our Earth and back. Yes, it is bad, but not entirely so, and unfortunately its negative reputation exceeds its shittiness. That doesn't mean it compares favorably to Plan 9 From Outer Space, as that would be unfair to Plan 9, but it is its own kind of shitty, and despite being horrible, it is still entertaining.

Much of the negative publicity that surrounded the film stemmed from the novel's authorship by L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology. A lot of people felt, whether they had actually seen the film or not, that the movie would be a means of subliminally indoctrinating viewers with the tenets of Scientology. There was a lot of concern that this would be a Scientology movie as, after all, Scientology's second most famous follower had helped champion it and was in one of the leading roles. But those people clearly never watched the movie, since they would have realized that if it had anything to do with Scientology, it was the single-most, worst possible means of ever popularizing the religion.

Very little meaning can be gleaned from Battlefield Earth which paints themes with broad brush strokes that seldom materialize into anything that really makes sense. It is a sloppily constructed movie with ambitious but severely limited production design and inferior acting the likes of which make elementary school plays seem like Olivier's Hamlet. In other words, it's glorious.

I've never heard the word "leverage" used so much, and it made me wonder whether the characters in the movie actually knew what it meant. Never at any point do they try to define "leverage" or refer to it in other terms. The visual effects are poor, even by 2000's standards, with extensive blue screen that is laughably bad. Concepts such as scale and depth appeared to be lost on the creators of this film. Too much has been said about the costume design, so to touch upon that is to simply flog a dead horse.

Director Roger Christian's constant use of center wipes seemed like a nod to or take on George Lucas' side wipes in Star Wars. (Christian was a protégé of Lucas', having worked as a second unit director on Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. The poor direction should seem much more obvious now.) Too bad no one told him copying Lucas' direction, particularly his overused and outdated wipes, was not the best of choices.

But the acting, oh the acting. Christian is clearly an actor's director, if by that I meant he says "Action" immediately followed by "Print." Acting in the film fell into two camps: the man-animals and the Psychlos. The man-animals, led by Barry Pepper's Jonnie Goodboy Tyler, portray themselves as a cross between Neanderthals, Brendan Fraser in Encino Man, and the apes from Planet of the Apes. They alternate between grunting and talking coherently with the occasional 20th century colloquialism ("piece of cake"). The Psychlos fare no better. It seems as though they are constantly talking to each other as if they're all 1930s vaudevillers, complete with lame jokes, pausing for reaction, sniggering, distasteful punchlines, then more sniggering. John Travolta, who plays the lead baddie, Terl, does as good a job of acting in this film as anyone else, which doesn't say much. He gets the most scenes to chew on, and at least he bought into the character and the story. On second thought, maybe he shouldn't have. Others, like the poorly used Forrest Whitaker as Ker, act as though the movie is a joke, waiting for the director to yell, "Do it again, but try to embody the character this time." But the director never did.

My favorite scene, though, involved Terl confronting Ker with trying to get "leverage" over him. Ker has copied evidence of Terl's fraud and given it to an associate for safekeeping. Terl tries to guess who Ker could have given the evidence to. The mechanic? Cut to a Dutch angle shot of Forrest Whitaker chortling on the left of the screen. A concubine? Cut to a Dutch angle shot of Forrest Whitaker chortling on the right of the screen. The options exhausted, Terl has one last suggestion, music building, and he reaches into a box and pulls out a head: "Our friendly bartender!" Rim shot, then cut to Forrest Whitaker not laughing. But I did. Snigger, chortle, guffaw. Those Psychlos are such comedians.

My shitty movie rating: 8 turds out of 10. Rent it now!

Shitty Movie Review - Showdown in Little Tokyo

In between viewings of "Death of a Salesman," "Ishtar," "The Natural," and numerous episodes of "Inside the Actors Studio," I came across a little screen gem known as "Showdown in Little Tokyo." Directed by Mark L. Lester and released in 1991, the film stars the always excellently shitty Dolph Lundgren and Brandon Lee, along with Tia Carrere and "I'm always an evil Asian guy" Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa.

The plot follows Japanophile Chris Kenner (Dolph Lundgren), an L.A. cop, who has to team up with clueless Japanese-American valley boy Johnny Murata (Brandon Lee) as they try to take down the Iron Claw Yakuza clan led by Yoshida (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa). Kenner grew up in Japan and witnessed his parents' murder at the hands of Yoshida, so he holds a bit of a grudge. Tia Carrere plays Minako, a night club singer that Yoshida claims as his own. The plot is largely derivative and is simply there to set up the many action sequences that showcase both Lundgren and Lee's martial arts acrobatics.

The quality of the movie is all kinds of shitty. The editing is sloppy, and little interest was paid to the details. In several sequences, dummies were used in place of actors without much care going into the camera angles or the editing so that it's obvious that they were using dummies. On top of that, at least one scene had looped dialog by Brandon Lee when he clearly is not moving his lips on screen. And while Tia Carrere will never be mistaken for Meryl Streep, her acting in this movie is abysmal. A dog could have cried and howled it's way through the movie more convincingly than she did. She didn't even do her own nude scenes, opting for an obvious body double (double boos for that). Also of particular note is David Michael Frank's score which consists mostly of a single theme that is repeated throughout the whole movie and which will linger on much longer than the bitter aftertaste of Tia Carrere's "acting."

But even more credit has to go to Stephen Glantz and Caliope Brattlestreet (coolest screenwriting name ever) who amazingly enough wrote the movie. While the story is inconsequential, the one liners overfloweth, with Brandon Lee benefiting the most. This movie has some of the quirkiest, most mind-boggling dialog committed to film. Describing it isn't enough.

JOHNNY MURATA
Listen you Zen warrior, fucking samurai asshole! I wanna know what's up! 'Cause despite myself, I like you.
___

JOHNNY MURATA
Listen. We do this right. Clean. Like a cop in the 20th century and not some samurai warrior. We're gonna nail this guy. And when we get done, we're gonna go eat fish off those naked chicks!
___

JOHNNY MURATA
Kenner, just in case we get killed, I wanted to tell you that you have the biggest dick I've ever seen on a man.

CHRIS KENNER
(nods) Thanks.
___

CHRIS KENNER
I liked that car. And I liked that girl. And I'd like to cut off certain parts of Yoshida's anatomy.

JOHNNY MURATA
Ya know, you've got a fixation, pal...

There are dozens more oral offal to be found in this movie, and that in and of itself makes the movie worth watching over and over.

My shitty movie rating: 8 turds out of 10. Must see!

Shitty Movie Review - The Wicker Man (2006)

I have been well aware of "The Wicker Man"'s reputation since it's theatrical release in 2006, and I had been meaning to watch it, but somehow just never got around to it. With many of the highlights of the film floating around the internet, I caught a mere glimpse that only whetted my appetite, but still I held off. That was until yesterday, and now I know how empty my life has been not having seen it. Colors are wore vibrant. Food tastes better. In short, "The Wicker Man" has changed my life.

I have always had a fondness for Nicolas Cage. On my list of actors whose movies I've seen the most, he ranks fourth (second if you only count starring roles). He deserves his own write-up, and I'll get to it eventually. In "The Wicker Man," he gives one of, if not the most memorable performances of his career. Delivering a bravura performance replete with classic Cage-isms and questionable acting decisions, the movie is further augmented with equally questionable direction by Neil Labute (who also wrote the screenplay) and inspired editing by Joel Plotch.

The plot of the movie follows Cage's character Edward Malus, a California police officer who, after witnessing a traumatic auto accident, finds himself called to the Washington state island of Summersisle by his estranged ex-fiancee Willow Woodward (played by constantly red-ringed, teary-eyed Kate Beahan) to investigate the disappearance of her daughter, Rowan. Once there, Cage is sucked into the mysteries of the island's community of predominantly female, lookalike beekeepers. There are numerous twists and turns as Cage learns that pretty much everything is not as it seems, and that everyone is in on the joke but him. The action and inadvertent comedy ramp up with stomach-pain-inducing laughter as Cage's character goes completely wacko in the end with some of the strangest dialog and set pieces ever committed to film.

Even the Youtube highlights don't do this film enough justice, as, in a rare case, the context of the clips actually makes them even more amusing than without. This movie really has to be seen to be believed. Nicolas Cage's performance straddles that fine line of "I really do care" to "I don't give a shit" acting, creating a multi-layered character portrayal that makes the viewer ponder, "Do I care?" (The answer is, "Hell yes, I do! This is hilarious!") Film and theater veteran Labute's direction further undermines any credibility the characters and story may have.

In short, this movie is truly a shitty movie masterpiece, fully deserving of it's cult status. Nicolas Cage has given many memorable performances, such as in "Moonstruck," "The Rock," "Adaptation," "Ghost Rider," and "Next," and "The Wicker Man" should be right there at the top. If you love shitty movies, there is no reason why this movie shouldn't be in your library.

My shitty movie rating: 10 turds out of 10. An instant classic!

(This review applies to the Unrated Edition.)

Movie Review - The Asylum

God bless The Asylum, for how would I be able to get my shitty movie fix. With The Asylum, I'm guaranteed to see a quality shitty movie--with casting choices that make me feel like it's the late '80s all over again.

For those not in the know, The Asylum is a film production studio and distributor with such popular releases as "Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus" and "Transmorphers." Their films are generally low budget, special effects heavy, straight-to-DVD affairs. Critics have mockingly labeled their films as "mockbusters" in the way that they often play off of major theatrical releases' titles and how their film releases generally precede or coincide with those aforementioned major releases. However this label is largely unfair to The Asylum as their films often bare only passing resemblances to the films that their titles parody. Furthermore, some of their films have proven to be remarkably resilient to reviews, offering insightful social commentary as well as modern interpretations of classic novels.

For example, there is "The 18 Year Old Virgin" starring Olivia Alaina May. Clearly the title is a take on Judd Apatow's "40-Year-Old Virgin" but what you'll find is a movie more akin to "Can't Hardly Wait" or the American Pie series. Sure, it's still full of sophomoric sex jokes and sex myths (let's face it, so was "The 40-Year-Old Virgin) but it's also about teenage awkwardness and young people searching for their first love.

"Transmorphers" (and it's sequel "Transmorphers: The Fall of Man") deemed a "Transformers" rip-off, actually shares more of it's plotline with the Terminator film series. Yes, there are transforming (or transmorphing, depending on which studio you talk to) alien robots, but that is pretty much where the comparisons end. The movie also boasts some remarkably entertaining CG effects work as well as several predictable but surprising plot twists. The plot for both the first and second movies are also arguably tighter than either of Michael Bay's blockbuster offerings.

"Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus," a more or less generic monster movie, received a great deal of buzz owing to it's viral trailer revealing a giant prehistoric shark leaping out of the ocean to bite an airliner in half. Sadly, while that was the highlight of the movie and though it was critically derided, it is noteworthy to point out a rather positive and nonchalant depiction of the interracial relationship between Debbie Gibson's (yes, that Debbie Gibson) character, Emma, and Asian-American actor Vic Chao's Seiji. The two characters are brought together by a confluence of events, hit it off, and end up knocking the boots, all before the midway point of the movie. And the best thing is that none of the other characters express any disdain for the relationship. (SPOILER ALERT) And just when you think The Asylum is going to pull a classic Hollywood stunt and kill off Seiji, they pull another typical Hollywood stunt and bring him back. American race relations may still have a long row to hoe, but The Asylum has just made it a little shorter. (END SPOILER)

Compared to Roland Emmerich's special effects disaster orgy, "2012 Doomsday" has a lot more heart, and faith. Released under The Asylum's Faith Films label, and starring Cliff De Young, Dale Midkiff, and '80s princess and Micky Dolenz daughter, Ami Dolenz, the movie explores common faith-based questions in the face of world annihilation. Coping with the destruction becomes a religious exercise as families searching for answers have their love and devotion tested, only to be rewarded with miracles when they hold true to their faith.

"30,000 Leagues Under the Sea" starring "Renegade"'s Lorenzo Llamas (who also starred in "Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus"), while not attached to any major Hollywood release, puts a twist on the classic Jules Verne novel with Captain Nemo as a scientist ruling over a completely rebuilt and technologically advanced underwater city of Atlantis. And "The Land That Time Forgot," while released near the Will Ferrell vehicle, "The Land of the Lost," has more in common with its source material than does the latter. With a modernized take on the novel, the C. Thomas Howell (he also starred) helmed film takes a modernized approach to Edgar Rice Burroughs work, with mostly positive results.

So The Asylum is much more than a studio trying to capitalize off of Hollywood blockbusters. Their titles are really about getting their foot in the door, rather than flat imitation. The content of their films manages to exceed the expectations of most low budget, B-grade films. One should (or would) never confuse them with the largely more popular films they appear to be named after, but give them a chance, and you'll most likely come away with something to smile about.

The Asylum Homepage