Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Never get into a fight with a cactus

Sure it seems a simple enough thing not to do, but living with a cactus can be a prickly relationship. And it's surprising how many people resort to verbal and physical violence when dealing with their cactus. In the end, it never turns out well.

Arguing with a cactus can be frustrating, and can also lead to the further escalation of an argument, ultimately ending in physical violence. This is in large part due to the fact that cacti are plants, and as such have no mouths and are unable to speak. Additionally, the lack of movable appendages also means that they are unable to communicate via sign language or other form of constructive gesturing. So arguing with a cactus is generally a one-sided affair, and should best be avoided outright. Counting to ten slowly has proven to be an effective way to deal with the onset of a sudden fight reaction. However this does not always resolve the situation, and many people have found themselves physically assaulting their cactus.

Cacti are primarily defensive, choosing to remain firm and steadfast in the face of attack. Most cacti are surrounded by sharp spines and thorns which greatly augment their defensive capabilities. Thus direct hand-to-hand combat with a cactus rarely sees the assailant getting the better of the plant. Of course weapons can be utilized to nullify any advantage that the cactus may have, but such instances are usually viewed as cowardly and unsportsmanlike.

In the event that the cactus wins the fight, the loser's original stance is usually undermined which only serves to breed more ill contempt toward the cactus until more frequent and violent arguments become the norm. For the owner, winning a fight with a cactus is usually a fatal endeavor with respect to the cactus, and although plantacide is not a chargeable offense, it is denigrated amongst other plants and plant lovers. Futhermore, plantacide can often lead to feelings of remorse and depression over the death of the cactus.

Fighting with a cactus is a serious issue, and should not be taken likely. Cactus owners should be respectful and sensitive to their cactus' needs, as it is often humans' misunderstanding of cacti that creates rifts between owners and their cacti. If the responsible owner takes the time to really get to know his or her cactus, then there would be far less owner-cactus violence in this world.


  1. Truer words were never spoken. However, one cannot participate in hand to hand combat with a cactus because as everyone knows, cacti do not have hands.

  2. I suppose I should have said hand-to-cactus combat.

  3. Just make sure you don't wring a cactus neck (is there a neck?).