Yokai of the Week Xmas Edition – Mokumoku Ren

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all!

Should you ever find yourself in Japan and come across an abandoned home in the countryside, beware of mokumoku ren. Literally meaning "continuous eyes," mokumoku ren are disembodied eyes that inhabit dilapidated screen doors. They are generally harmless, but some legends say that you'll go blind if you look at them. One possible way to get rid of them is to patch up the screen, but then you'd run the risk of them blinking your fingers off.

Pozole

It's been quite a long while since I've cooked anything remotely interesting. A lot of it has been stuff I've already made and posted before. But today I had enough time and raw materials to try something new.

I really like menudo (the food, not the boy group), but most of the people in my family don't care for tripe. So instead I made pozole, which is pretty much the non-tripe version of the soup. We had a large piece of pork butt roast (what can you make with pork butt roast that isn't good?) and I had most of the materials at hand save for the hominy. I don't like hominy that much, so I just replaced it with corn. I had some guajillas chiles, so I made a pozole rojo.

I do need to adjust a couple of things next time. I couldn't wait for the pork to get super tender, so some of it was still a little chewy. It was cooked all the way through mind you, but could have been more tender. Also it was too salty. Next time I'll add more water when the soup condenses. Aside from those two points, it wasn't bad at all.

Shitty Movie Review - "All About Steve"

I had heard a couple of extremely scathing reviews for "All About Steve" when it first came out, and I made a note at the time that I would have to see it. Several months later Sandra Bullock won the coveted Razzie for her portrayal of Mary Horowitz in the film, and I still had not seen it. A couple of months ago I had started to watch it, but paused ten minutes in because I couldn't pay attention while cooking. Sadly I lost my spot in the movie and wasn't able to watch it then. But today, today I finally had the chance to watch it, and was not disappointed.

First off, I don't feel that Sandra Bullock was truly deserving of her Razzie for this movie. Then again I don't feel she was truly deserving of her Oscar either. She puts on a brave performance as Mary Horowitz, a red-booted, thirty-something-year-old crossword puzzle writer afflicted with Asperger syndrome. Actually, the movie never explicitly states that she has Asperger syndrome, but many of the signs are there: she is physically clumsy, verbally compulsive, and socially maladjusted. And she nails this character, she owns it. Does that make her deserving of a Razzie? I don't think so. But before you start thinking this is a good movie, it's not. After all, I wouldn't be writing about it if it was.

Aside from Miss Bullock, there's a bevy of good and not so good actors in the movie. Bradley Cooper, Thomas Haden Church, and Ken Jeong play major roles in the movie, along with Keith David, D.J. Qualls, and Katy Mixon. Charlene Yi, Lucy Davis ("The Office," BBC version), and Geraldo Rivera even have cameos. It makes one wonder what favors these actors owed Sandra Bullock, who was also a producer on the film. While Thomas Haden Church offers a strong performance as the vapid, image-consumed newsman Hartman Hughes, D.J. Qualls is sadly underused, unable to show the acting range that has made him famous (i.e. crying on command). Bradley Cooper is pretty much there as a plot device, while Ken Jeong plays yet another version of himself.

The paper-thin story is about a very socially awkward woman who finds herself stalking her dream man in hopes of achieving some normalcy, but in the process makes real friends and finds that she doesn't really need her dream man to be normal. But what it's really about is social and mental disorders and how a social group can redefine you. Also, it's a satire on news media and news networks. A weak satire, but a satire nonetheless. The news is made out to be superficial, hype machines that really lack human emotion in comparison to Mary, a person who seemingly lacks human characteristics but it's all right because she has friends.

So here's the real question: what's with all the bronzer in this film? It's like a movie starring Oompa Loompas. Just looking at the poster makes you wonder what black-haired, jaundice-colored Ken Jeong is doing there. And if that isn't enough, why not tone down the exposure of the film. Was the director trying to make a shitty version of "Vidas Secas?" (Yeah, obscure reference, but if you get it you're a real film nerd.) If I had to describe the tone of the film, I would have to say it was orange.

I'd have to admit I'm a little bit torn over "All About Steve." Is it a bad movie? Yes. Is it a horrible movie? Yes. Is it a good movie? Hell no. Is it the worst movie of the year? No. Would I watch it again? Yes. It's definitely a shitty movie, yet it still doesn't feel nearly as bad as all the critics made it out to be. In some ways it feels more honest than "The Blind Side," or more entertaining than "The Proposal." Either way I can solidly recommend this movie, and suggest that you watch it along with those other two acclaimed 2009 Sandra Bullock movies and make your own judgments.

My shitty movie rating: 8 out of 10. Not Razzie bad, but good bad.

"Citizen Kane" of Genre Top Ten

I was listening to "Film Week on Air Talk" on NPR some years ago when they referred to "Dumbo" as "the "Citizen Kane"e of animated films." This got me thinking: what other "Citizen Kane"s are out there? So here's a list of movies for your consideration.

1. The "Citizen Kane" of Stupid Movies: "Dumb and Dumber"
2. The "Citizen Kane" of Action Movies: "Die Hard"
3. The "Citizen Kane" of Spoof Movies: "Airplane!"
4. The "Citizen Kane" of Mockumentary Movies: "This Is Spinal Tap"
5. The "Citizen Kane" of Platonic Football Love Movies: "Brian Song"
6. The "Citizen Kane" of Monster Movies (Natural): "Jaws"
7. The "Citizen Kane" of Monster Movies (Giant): "Godzilla"
8. The "Citizen Kane" of Monster Movies (Horror): "Frankenstein"
9. The "Citizen Kane" of Biopics (Fiction): "Citizen Kane"
10. The "Citizen Kane" of Biopics (Non-Fiction): "Lawrence of Arabia"

Shitty Movie Review - "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale"

I really am going about this all wrong. Usually when I review a shitty movie, I watch it just prior to writing so that I have a fresh take on it, but in this case I plan on reviewing "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale" all from memory. This is also only the second Uwe Boll movie I've seen, so I'm not judging it against his other classic works such as "House of the Dead" or "Bloodrayne" which I also hope to get around to viewing.

As with all Uwe Boll movies, this one has a star-studded cast: Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds, Ron Perlman, Claire Forlani, Kristanna Loken, Leelee Sobieski, Matthew Lillard, Claire Forlani, and Gimli. How Boll gets so many name actors in his movies I will never know, unless he's actually Satan and or his casting director has shit on all these people. In any case it's an incredibly eclectic cast that further enhances an experience that only Boll can construct.

As for the story, I won't really waste much of your time there. Something about Jason Statham as a farmer referred to as "Farmer," Ray Liotta as a wizard from New Jersey, and Burt Reynolds as a disinterested king and one of the few actors who visibly looks like he wishes he was anywhere but in this movie. Jason Statham's family is slaughtered by the Krug, a shittier version of Orcs, which if I'm not mistaken came from mud. (Ed. note: I might be mixing up the Orcs origin from "Lord of the Rings," but either way the Krug were more ridiculous.) Yes, they're mud orcs, and Ray Liotta controls them. They even kill Farmer's son, a heinous act, but one which the audience overlooks because they're trying to figure out why witness protection has placed Henry Hill in a castle as a wizard controlling Krug via Krug-vision. If he's such a powerful wizard, why is he remote-controlling the Krug to kill defenseless kids and grandparents with one foot in the grave? When the Krug kidnap Farmer's wife, a visibly aged Claire Forlani, Farmer sets out along with fellow neighbor, Ron Perlman, on a quest to recover his wife and to seek vengeance.

When the movie isn't caught up in the requisite sword fighting, wizardy, and magical-boomerang throwing (Statham, the Transporter, thug, and all-around tough guy fights with a boomerang that always comes back, because that's what farmers do), it's filled with sweeping aerial shots of the British Columbia coastline. I watched the extended director's cut which featured a whopping additional 45 minutes, about half of which was aerial shots. We get it, it's a fantasy movie. If you were only the slightest bit annoyed by the aerial shots in the "Lord of the Rings" series, prepare to be driven mad by the director that is Uwe Boll. I know those shots are expensive, but it doesn't mean you have to use all the shots you take. Twice.

Despite these distractions, there are two things worth seeing in this movie. the first is Ray Liotta versus Jason Statham in a Matrix-style showdown. Ray Liotta throws fireballs and flies through the air on wires. Nuff said there. But the real reason to see this movie is Matthew Lillard's scene-stealing performance as the conniving Duke Fallow, nephew to the king. I can only remember one of his lines (a haughtily exuded "huzzah, huzzah!") but his performance will haunt you. He goes so over the top, he comes up from the bottom again in a case where the actor clearly knows the movies is shite, and performs it that way seeing if the director will stop him. And God bless Uwe Boll, because he just lets him go. In fact, that pretty much seems the case with everybody in the movie. Do whatever you want. Hey you, Ray, I loved you in "Goodfellas," be more like that. Lillard gives the roll of a lifetime, chewing on the dialog before letting it dribble floridly from his lips. When he's not on the screen and especially whenever there's aerial shots or Krug-vision, you hope he'll be back soon. If only he performed all his parts this way.

While the director's cut might not warrant a viewing, definitely check out the theatrical cut. It's a head-scratching experience but enjoyable in the way shitty movies are. Believe me, without Freddie Prinze, Jr. to rain on his parade, Matthew Lillard is aces all the way.

My shitty movie rating: 8.5 out of 10. Matthew Lillard is astounding!

Turkey Tetrazzini

After several Sundays of lackluster dinners (makizushi, country ribs again), I had something new to try. I got a recipe for turkey tetrazzini from "The Splendid Table," and since we had more than enough leftover turkey, I decided to try it.

Turkey tetrazzini is pretty much a pasta with creamy sauce loaded with turkey. The easiest way to make it is to mix some cream of mushroom soup with turkey and peas, mix this with cooked pasta, and bake for several minutes. The recipe I had called for making the cream sauce from scratch. The result is a dish that is a little more refined (in terms of taste) than what you would get from using cream of mushroom soup. The secret dimension comes from the fresh grated nutmeg.

I wasn't expecting a great deal from this plate, but I was pleasantly surprised. It turned out to be a little more nuanced and a slight bit more appetizing than that with which I'm familiar. Perhaps I can look forward to making this again next year.

Vietnam House

The airsoft store was having a Wednesday/Thursday Black Friday sale, so I decided to check it out after work, and as it just so happened to be mere blocks away from Vietnam House, that was where I ate. However I should preface this review by saying that my favorite Vietnamese restaurant is a little place called Dakao in San Jose. Whenever I'm in San Jose, which used to be four days every year for the past five years, I would eat there one or two times a day. While a large part of that hinged on its proximity to the convention center, they have a variety of dishes and their food is also good. My favorite thing to get there is the shredded pork and baked egg pie on broken rice. So back to Vietnam House, as there aren't an abundance of Vietnamese restaurants in my area, I know of few options for decent Vietnamese that isn't pho. And of those, I don't know of many that have baked egg pie. But Vietnam House does, and they also have some excellent egg rolls, so onto the meal.

Now read reviews anywhere and people will tell you the service is nothing to write home about. I concur, so don't expect a lot of assistance in that area. Just be pleased if you get what you order, and remember to pay your bill at the register (they don't bring the bill to you so remember your table number). Also it's noisy and they have several Billy Bass on the walls that kids love to play with, so be forewarned.

As for the food, I ordered the egg rolls to start as they are very good. They're grease bombs though, so hold off on taking a bite until they've cooled down a bit. I know it's hard, but better to exhibit patience lest ye suffer a burnt tongue and shot taste buds. From what I understand their egg rolls are atypical of Vietnamese egg rolls which are usually more petite. These are deep-fried, meat, veggie, vermicelli- filling morsels that serve as a substantial appetizer. Accompanying them is a plate filled with lettuce, mint, and beefsteak leaves meant to be wrapped around the egg rolls, but no one should hate you for neglecting the veggies. There are also two dipping sauces, but as I only partook of one, I can only say that the one I had was a light, sweet, fish-sauce based dipping sauce with carrot slices that pairs well with the heavier egg rolls.

For the meal I ate, what else—shredded pork and baked egg pie on broken rice. I also got a pork chop with it. Vietnam House formally calls this plate, "Pork Chop, Shredded Pork & Baked Egg w/ Steamed Rice," or number 77. The dish pretty much says what it is—the pork chop is a soy-sauce-marinated fried pork chop and the shredded pork is that slightly sweet and gelatinous shredded pork mixture used in banh mi. The baked egg is like an Asian frittata, slightly sweet with bits of meat and veggies baked inside. Perhaps it's the Japanese in me that enjoys the baked egg pie which is not too dissimilar from Japanese dashimaki tamago, a layered Japanese scrambled egg seasoned with slightly sweet soup stock. This is what I miss when I'm not in San Jose, so I'm glad I have a suitable replacement for it in L.A. I also enjoy the broken rice, which is less glutinous that Japanese rice but still moreso than Chinese Jasmine rice.

There are plenty of other things on the menu that look good, and perhaps I will try their pho or banh mi at some point. But for right now I'm satisfied with their baked egg pie and delicious egg rolls. And should they ever offer snail soup, I might try that again after a not-so-joyful meal at Dakao. At least I can't complain about them being stingy with the snails.

Some other notes about Vietnam House:
- I really hate those Billy Bass fish. Why would you put any more than one of them on the wall? And why do kids think it's so great to get all of them to sing at once?!

Vietnam House
710 W. Las Tunas Dr. #5-7
San Gabriel, CA 91776
(626) 282-3630

Undergarments

The other day I had to buy some undergarments at my neighborhood Target. I needed some briefs to replenish my underwear supply, and selected a set of Hanes lowrise briefs. Lo and behold when I brought them home that I found that they had no windows. Moreover, they were quite sheer. They were manties! I don't know when Hanes started making manties, but boy was I surprised as I never considered myself a manties type. Panties maybe. They are actually quite comfortable. Manties that is. And so a toast to manties!

Red Hot Kitchen

Today was one of my coworkers' birthdays, and on days such as these we all usually order out. My coworker wanted to order from Red Hot Kitchen, an Asian-Mexican fusion restaurant nearby. She recommended the kalbi (Korean barbecued short ribs) chimichanga (Mexican fried burrito).

First off, holy crap! That's a lot of food! Each of those four pieces pictured were absolutely massive. I'm a big guy, and I can eat a lot, but I couldn't finish this chimichanga. I managed to eat three of the sections, and even then I overate. So now we know it's generous, but what did it taste like?

If you've had kalbi (or read my earlier parenthetical), then you know it's barbequed short ribs marinated in a sweet soy-sauce base. Short ribs have a little bit of fatty goodness, and on which Red Hot Kitchen didn't skimp. There was also white rice which was also lightly drenched with the marinade, kimchi, and some sweet refried bean mixture. This was topped with cheese, spicy mayonnaise, and hot sauce. That might seem like a strange combination, but it all worked well together. Think of it like fried mushu pork, which is similarly sweet and also wrapped with veggies inside. While it was sweet, it wasn't dessert-sweet, more like Korean barbecue sweet. And it was also decently spicy, enough so that people who have trouble with spicy foods should probably ask for the spicy mayonnaise and hot sauce on the side. It was strange how well the spicy mayo worked with everything, and how the sweetness didn't clash with the cheese.

If there was one thing I could complain about, the chimichanga was a heart-stopper. I could feel my arteries clogging and my heart working harder to keep me alive. Of course I didn't have to eat that third piece.

If the kalbi chimichanga was any indication, Red Hot Kitchen is definitely worth revisiting as their menu has plenty more offerings, all of which sound enticing. Perhaps next time I'll try their Korean BBQ burger with sweet potato fries, or their Teriyaki Torta.

Red Hot Kitchen
4625 Valley Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90032
(323) 222-6900

Some other notes about Red Hot Kitchen:
- 1 out of 7 on my mess-o-meter. Use a fork.
- 7 out of 10 on my spice-o-meter. It's pretty spicy.
- Not only was the food good, not only was the portion generous, but it's incredibly cheap. The chimichanga will only set you back about $6. You're practically robbing the place!

Celebrity Sightings - Mark Pender

Keeping on the topic of Conan this week, I'll recount the time I met Mark "Loveman" Pender from the Basic Cable Band (formerly the Max Weinberg Seven). Mark Pender is the bald guy with glasses that plays the trumpet, and is often included in bits where he overzealously gets into singing songs.

I met him at New York Comic-Con three years ago shortly after NBC had announced that Conan was taking over the Tonight Show. He was there for the day with his young daughter. He stopped by our booth so both Queen Poo and I mentioned how we were big fans of the show. Even if we hadn't know who he was, he was also wearing a Late Night with Conan O'Brien jacket for staff only. We chatted with him for a bit and asked whether or not he'd be moving to Los Angeles (at the time it wasn't clear whether Conan was going to take the Max Weinberg Seven with him). While he loved New York, he didn't love the harsh winters and said he looked forward to warm Southern California.

He was very friendly and cordial and we had a nice conversation. He mentioned his daughter was a fan of manga, so we gave her a copy of one of our books.

I'm glad he's back with the band on "Conan," as his presence would have been greatly missed. No one can hold a note like he can on the trumpet during the pre-show, except maybe La Bamba.

Taste Chicago

After watching Conan, Jokekilla and I were pretty hungry, so he took me to Taste Chicago, a restaurant specializing in Chicago-style cuisine. They serve deep dish pizza, Italian beef sandwiches, Chicago dogs, pasta, and ribs. It's a cozy place with perhaps a couple dozen tables and some flat screen TVs so that you can watch whatever game is playing.

The menu was a little bit intimidating because of the numerous options, all of which sounded delicious. Not being able to decide between an Italian beef or sausage sandwich, I luckily didn't have to and got the beef & sausage combo. It was huge! It came with a sizable sausage topped with even more thinly sliced roast beef, topped with sweet peppers and au jus. I was tempted to pick it up and eat it, but it was safer using a fork and knife. It really hit the spot and was delicious to boot. My only complaint was that I didn't have a big enough mouth to get a bit of the bread, beef, sausage, and the pepper in each bite.

On the side I got smothered wedges, potato wedges covered in buttery garlic sauce. It was pretty killer, with a generous amount of butter and garlic. There was more than enough leftover to serve as a dip for other things.

After a night of laughs, a hearty meal was enough to knock me out. Next time I'm obligated to try the deep dish pizza, since the actual Chicago is a little out of the way.

Some other interesting notes about Taste Chicago:
- 7 out of 7 on my mess-o-meter if you try to pick up the sandwich and eat it, otherwise it's a 1 out of 7 with a fork and knife. For some reason I still needed a napkin.
- The restaurant is owned by actor Joe Mantegna's wife.

Taste Chicago
603 N. Hollywood Way
Burbank, CA 91505
(818) 563-2800

Welcome Back Coco!

Nearly a year ago to the day, I found myself standing in line to see a tall, gangly redhead make a fool of himself, and boy was I excited. Conan is back on television where he belongs, and because my friend the Jokekilla was able to procure tickets, I was lucky enough to be there for his second show on TBS. I was so excited to see his new show that I watched the first episode, "Baa Baa Blackmail," on the east coast feed (which airs three hours earlier than the west coast feed), plus I also DVR'd it. I wasn't expecting the show to be totally different from his last show, or even the show he had before that, and I was glad to see a lot of familiar faces in front of and behind the cameras.

Conan O'Brien had been on television pretty much uninterrupted for seventeen straight years, which constitutes the majority of my life, so to have him gone from the airwaves for the past few months seemed quite strange. But now he's back, albeit off network television, and I can rest easier at night knowing that he's out there on the TV entertaining all those insomniacs and stoners.

As for the show I saw in person, the guests were Tom Hanks, Jack McBrayer, and musical guest Soundgarden. Tom Hanks has always been a good friend of the show, and I fondly remember Conan sharing screentime with him in one of the few "SNL" sketches where he appeared on camera, the classic "Five-Timers Club." Jack McBrayer was also very timely as I had just finished watching the first four seasons of "30 Rock" on Netflix. We even got a bonus performance by Soundgarden which will appear on Team Coco's website. Unfortunately that resulted in us missing the "End of the Show Song" which Conan usually sings at the end just after television feed cuts out. Oh well. We did get to see him cut a promo in which he berated writers off camera for incorrectly using "historical" instead of "historic," which was pretty funny.

So after what seemed like a long wait, Conan has triumphantly returned to television where hopefully he will remain for many years to come. All is right with the world.

Some other interesting notes about "Conan":
-The set moves back and forth to allow more room for the monologue.
-The moon really does move a lot, and it's mesmerizing. Although I don't understand why it moves.
-Andy still looks huge in person, while Conan has slimmed down quite a bit.
-The set looks really good, although I'm not crazy about the Basic Cable Band's podiums.

Bacon & Garlic Chocolate Cake

I've been thinking about this for a long time, maybe two or three weeks—how could I improve on my bacon chocolate cake? See, about a year ago I was inspired to make a bacon chocolate cake (the same inspiration also led to beer-batter, deep-fried White Castle sliders and beer-batter, deep-fried bacon, both pictured below).


So for two weeks I've been planning how to approach making a new bacon chocolate cake. And my answer—add garlic.

Chocolate is good, bacon is good, and garlic is good, right? So why not throw all that goodness together? I decided on frying chopped garlic and garlic chips to garnish the chocolate cake along with the bacon. This time I also went with a thinner, low sodium bacon. I also used a cast iron skillet as a bacon press to ensure that the bacon wouldn't curl and so I could render most of the fat. Then I let the bacon rest and dried it of excess oil.

For the garlic I roasted two heads and chopped and sliced a third. Using the bacon drippings I fried the chopped and sliced garlic.

For the chocolate cake, I used a standard chocolate cake recipe without doing anything special. It was from scratch though, and not out of some Betty Crocker/Duncan Hines box, although wouldn't it be ironic using one of those classic Americana box cakes and bastardizing it with all sorts of weird things like I was about to do?

For the chocolate ganache, again I use a recipe. But I separated out the chocolate ganache into two parts so that I could blend some with the roasted garlic to be used for the middle layer.

Assembling the cake was a bit of an ordeal, but in the end there it stood, triumphant. A bacon & garlic chocolate cake worthy of This Is Why You're Fat. A chocolate cake topped with fried garlic and bacon bits with an inner layer of roasted garlic chocolate ganache.

I'm not going to lie to you—it was weird. Like sex with an ill-advised hook-up weird. What seemed like a good idea in the end didn't turn up like everything for which I had hoped. It wasn't bad, and surely was edible. I finished the sizable piece I cut for myself. But some of the elements didn't work as well in the end. The bacon was still good, even better than last time, but there should have been more of it and less of the garlic.

The garlic was overpowering. Perhaps it was a little too burned. Deep-fried, thinly sliced onion petals would have been a better fit maybe. The roasted garlic chocolate ganache was probably unnecessary. I think it could still work, but I would used milk chocolate next time and add more sugar, and reduce the amount of roasted garlic.

I could see something like this being served at the Stinking Rose which specializes in garlic dishes. But this cake was akin to their garlic ice cream, which while good, still makes you wish it was just plain vanilla. Or in this case, just a regular bacon chocolate cake. I'll probably get the hankering to make another bacon chocolate cake next year, so in the meantime if you have any suggestions, please pass them along. Apparently it is possible to have too much of a good thing, and that good thing was garlic.

Ocean Seafood

For a while it seemed like I was eating Chinese food every other week, then *poof* ... a dry spell. Well Chinese food is back with a vengeance. We're having a family gathering in a couple of weeks so we've already booked a reservation with Ocean Seafood, but we wanted to test some of the dishes in the banquet selection.

My family has been going to Ocean Seafood for years, back when it was stilled called Miriwa. We mostly go there for dim sum, so we weren't sure how the dinner menu would be. We weren't able to sample all of the dishes off of the banquet as some of them are exclusive to that menu, but we were able to try a lot of dishes.

We opened with the B.B.Q. combination platter, but unfortunately I was unable to take any pictures on account of our hunger. I can tell you it contained pickled jellyfish, char siu (barbeque pork), roast duck, and soy beans. The char siu and duck were expectedly good, as we regularly get char siu to go. I don't often eat jelly fish, but it was good, like salty, sour gelatin noodles. The soy beans were a surprise, literally, as they were hidden underneath.

The next dish up was braised shark's fin with shredded chicken. I've only had shark's fin a handful of times in my life, and while it's good, I've never felt it too be worth the value. I find that reconstituted scallop can offer a similar texture, and flavor-wise it pretty much takes on the identity of the stock, which in this case seemed to be chicken or a chicken/seafood blend. The soup was good, but no shark's fin dish will ever compare to the one I had in Japan. I shouldn't be biased, but I judge all shark's fin dishes by that dish (which wasn't a soup by the way) because it was that good. Adding the vinegar did add an extra bit of dimension to the flavors which in turn made it stand out a little more.

Baked crab with ginger and green onion came out next, and was the clear MVD (Most Valuable Dish) of the meal. I find Chinese crab or lobster to be difficult to eat, since it's usually coated in cornstarch and pan-fried with the sauce making it increasingly difficult to eat. But one couldn't deny the wonderful marriage of flavors involved in bringing this dish together. The was the bite of ginger and the roundness of the green onions which came together in a savory blend with the naturally sweet crab meat. We also benefited from an incredibly large crab that itself was meaty and succulent. God bless that crab. I should mention that there were only four of us, but the minute that crab showed up it was a goner. In fact, there was nothing left to take home, and I'm only halfway through describing the meal.

We also ordered steamed cod. We picked one with a disproportionately large head. Or rather make that a disproportionately small body. It was still good, cooked just right so that it was still juicy and just flaking. Where the flavors in the crab were bold and up front, the cod was a more subtle and balanced well with everything else. I also made the mistake of trying to eat the eye (which was chalky) rather than the area around the eye (which was slimy, but in a good way).

The last two dishes out were braised abalone with black mushrooms and house chow mein. After having had mediocre chow mein the last three or four times, I was finally reminded of how good chow mein can be. There wasn't anything particularly different in this chow mein when compared to the others, but the execution was far superior. The noodles were genuinely crispy with a gravy that wasn't thick or goopy so that it consumed the noodles. Both the noodles and the gravy managed to retain their identities while also combining as one, and that's how a good chow mein should be. Once the dish takes on the identity of one or the other completely, it becomes lost, as either a mushy mess or a never-ending chewy, crunch fest. As a house chow mein, it came with the requisite bok choy, char siu, squid, cod, and shrimp, all of which were good and distinct like the rest of the components.

While the chow mein was clearly good, the abalone did not fare so well to put it mildly (which it was). Like with the shark's fin, I guess I'm just not that big a fan of abalone. It's not that I dislike the taste or the texture, but I feel that there a similar things out there that cost considerably less, like clams. It didn't help that the abalone was accompanied with bok choy and shiitake which themselves are commonplace and uninspiring. A good shiitake is a good shiitake, but still when they're in pretty much every other dish, they're not special. And the same goes for the bok choy. Still, abalone is a delicacy and it is different from clams or squid. I'd still eat it gladly if put in front of me, as long as I don't have to pay for it.

Because of our decadent meal the restaurant manager comped us dessert, a plate of gelatin and a plate of coconut and taro gelatin. I especially enjoyed the coconut and taro gelatin, as I am quite fond of taro.

If I wasn't already full (which I was), then the gelatin was the straw that broke the camel's back. After that I was done, and from then on I can't recall much. But I do recall the delicious crab that I'll be looking forward to eating come the actual banquet. Yum!

Some other notes about Ocean Seafood:
- We were probably one of only four or five parties dining that night in the large serving area. However one of those parties was a thirty person Asian tour group that took up 15% of the restaurant. The group brought me back to my youth, as about half of them were wearing plaid over-shirts. Sister C would have totally blended in if she went over. She just needed to feather her hair more.

Ocean Seafood
750 North Hill Street
Los Angeles, CA 90012
(213) 687-3088

Celebrity Sightings - Chris Parnell

So in my life, I've had the good fortune of running into three cast members of "In Living Color," one member of "Mad TV," and two from "SNL." Today's story is about one of the "SNL" people.

Chris Parnell came into Mail Boxes, Etc. once needing help with a package. After offering him some suggestions on what he could do he eventually opted not to send the package. He wasn't exactly cool about it, but then again he wasn't a complete dick. I chalked it up to the stress of commuting between L.A. and New York. Or maybe it was because he had gotten fired from "SNL" only to be rehired the season after.

It's fine though, since he went on to play Dr. Spaceman on "30 Rock" and Cyril in "Archer." Watch "Archer" everyone!

Shitty Movie Review - "Space Truckers"

Well, it's been a long time since my last shitty movie review. But to be honest, "Killdozer!" is a pretty tough act to follow, so I had to take a break. But now I'm back with more shitty movie reviews and hopefully you'll find something to your liking.
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"That was some of the best driving I've ever seen."
-Mike Pucci

With the passing of Dennis Hopper earlier this year, my friends and I wanted to do something to honor him—so we had a mini-movie marathon of some of his greatest films. "Space Truckers" is one such film. A classic staple of late night television unwatched, many have heard of "Space Truckers," some have seen parts of it, and fewer have sat through all 95 minutes of it.

It starts out promising enough, with an opening setup reminiscent of the rebels lining the hall of the Tantive IV right before the slew of stormtroopers busts in and starts ripping shit up. But instead of an army of stormtroopers, it's one incredibly cheesy looking robot that looks like the lovechild of the xenomorph from "Alien" and the predator's shoulder cannon from "Predator." It's pretty hard to take this sophisticated, state-of-the-art war machine seriously when it has a pincer for a left hand. Really, did the scientists not want it to be able to pick things up with its left hand? Is pinching the future's answer to this century's Brazilian jujitsu? Good thing it's a got a switch blade built into it's left arm. And if that's where the film starts ... you really shouldn't expect a whole lot in the way of serious cinema, but that's okay.

See, "Space Truckers" is one of those movies you'd swear came out in the mid 80s. It reminds me a lot of "Robot Jox" in terms of its aesthetics (read crappy special effects), and even that movie was released in 1990. But no, it's not from the 80s, it's not even from the early 90s. This movie was released in 1996. By comparison, "Jurassic Park" came out in 1993. Hell, "Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope" came out in 1977, and the special effects in that film blow "Space Truckers" away. But the lack of believable special effects is not really a detriment to the film, as it's more of a charm point. The effects are quaint by today's standards, even by yesterday's standards. This movie isn't trying to be a blockbuster special effects movie, and on that note it succeeds. For example, vector graphics are all over the HUDs in this movie. It makes me want to play that old PC tank game I had back in the day.

There are plenty of bright spots in the film. The gates and trucking lanes are pretty cool, and one can see the influence that "Space Truckers" had on "Cowboy Bebop," especially in Session 7's "Heavy Metal Queen." I also have to give a lot of credit to the set designers who really put a lot of work and effort into all the little background details, like the advertisements and the signage.

As for the characters, Dennis Hopper as John Canyon delivers as good a performance as a completely sober Hopper can, as a character who is neither a drug addict or an alcoholic. Debbie Mazar plays a space version amalgam of pretty much every other character she's played, and Stephen Dorff is Stephen Dorff, getting topless and showing off his body in the almost nude and sweaty second act. I was surprised to see Charles Dance of Numsy in "The Golden Child" fame in a fairly comic role as Nabel/Macanudo, the half-human, half robot scientist that created the abomination mentioned earlier. Most people who've seen part of the movie will remember that he looks like Hacker from "Centurions" and that he has a pull-start robo-penis with blinking blue LEDs (hey, it's just like my 'puter). Oh, and hey, there's Norm from "Cheers!"

If this still isn't enough to get you to watch the movie there's also this: square pigs.

Dennis Hopper left behind a legacy of films, and "Space Truckers" is right up there at the top, along with "Hoosiers," "Speed," and "Super Mario Brothers." As his character John Canyon puts it in the movie, "For a son of a bitch gimp racist murderer, he died okay." Indeed, indeed.

My shitty movie rating: 6.5 out of 10. It's worth watching, especially with group of friends, but unless you're a Dennis Hopper fan or Stephen Dorff fan, you may not want to watch it multiple times within the year. Maybe a once every one or two year dealy.

Ghost Book of the Week - Ghosts in the House!

I was in the Japanese bookstore several weeks ago, killing time as I am wont to do when I chanced upon the most charming ghost book called Ghosts in the House! I was captivated by the cute cover illustration and the fact that it was about ghosts. The book cast a magical spell over me, such that once I read the first page, I couldn't stop until I had read the whole book. Unbelievable is right, a whole book in one standing!

Ghosts in the House! is a charming book about a young girl and her cat who move into a house only to find that it is haunted. But she is no ordinary girl, so she makes the best of what could be a bad situation and ... well, you really should read it. The story is fun and not at all scary, and the book is full of wonderfully conceived illustration by Kazuno Kohara in an art style reminiscent of block printing.

I enjoyed the book so much that I bought it to read to my niece, but so far I've only read it to myself, multiple times. It never gets tiresome and always cheers me up. If you're looking for an excellent read about ghosts, then check out Ghosts in the House!

Ghosts in the House!
Kazuno Kohara
Roaring Book Press: 32pp., $12.95

Yokai of the Week Halloween Edition - Tengu

After a long break, the Yokai of the Week is back for a special occasion—Halloween!

Tengu are demons that live in mountain and forest regions. Their name derives from the Chinese Tiangou, a dog-like demon, but the Japanese version instead bears both human and avian features. But perhaps the most prominent features of tengu are their red faces and long noses.

They were long ago associated with war, and were often seen as harbingers of war. But as time went on, their image has softened and they are now associated with the practice of Shugendo, wherein individuals seek enlightenment through an understanding of their relationship with nature. They can still be menacing as they are protective of the nature around them, but they have also been known to take in human disciples and train them in mystical martial arts.

Yokai Masterpiece #8 - Tengu - Pumpkin & Zucchini

I didn't like having to use additional materials to make the nose, but at least I kept it in the squash family. It also didn't help that the pumpkin was totally lopsided (I didn't pick it) so I had to cut out the top and made that the bottom.

Samosa House

Today I had lunch with a good friend I hadn't seen in a long time. She's vegetarian (more precisely a starchitarian) so I suggested Samosa House, as it was close to her place and I had never been there. It turned out there are two Samosa Houses, the original Samosa House and Samosa House East, so we met at Samosa House East.

The set up is much like a cafeteria, with steaming trays of various curries behind the counter. The dining area is very open and well lit, with one large dining table in the middle and several smaller tables along the windows. Outdoor seating is also available.

They don't have an expansive menu, but it can still seem daunting with all the choices. I ordered a three item combo, a samosa, and a mango lassi.

For the three item combo, you get your choice of three of the items available at their food counter. I opted for aloo baingan, saag, and the veggie chicken. The aloo baingan was made of potatoes, eggplant, as well as the requisite spices. I like aloo gobi (potato and cauliflower), so I thought I would give the aloo baingan a try, and it turned out I like it just as much as aloo gobi. The potato kind of disappears into the dish, but the eggplant pieces are prominent. It looked as though the eggplants were green rather than purple, but they didn't taste bitter like an unripe eggplant or even a ripe eggplant which can also be quite bitter. For me, the aloo baingan was more about textures than the wonderfully rich spices, and if offered a stark contrast to the other two dishes I got.

The saag was pretty straight forward, consisting of spinach and spices. I prefer saag paneer (spinach and cheese), but that appears to be a dish exclusive to the original Samosa House. It wasn't bad, but the other dishes were so good that it kind of got pushed to the back.

The true standout of the meal was the veggie chicken. It had to be good, since even hours afterward it was still on my mind. The veggie chicken came in bite-size chunks in what appeared to be a peanut-based sauce. It's not that it tasted exactly like chicken or even had the exact texture. The texture was similar to chicken in the way the grain followed a mostly uniform direction, but it was chewier. The closest food I could think of that the veggie chicken most resembled in terms of taste and texture would be an Asian fish meatball. Now bear with me, as I know that might be gross to some people, but if you've ever really had an Asian fish meatball, like in Japanese oden, then it's not at all like, say, an Italian meatball. It's more processed and it doesn't taste strongly fishy. It's difficult to explain unless you've had it, which might also be the case with the veggie chicken. All you need to know was that it was very good. I will go there again just for the veggie chicken.

The combo also came with a choice of white or brown rice (I got white) and plain or garlic naan (I got garlic of course). The garlic naan (which is like a lightly-toasted bread) came hot and buttered and could be used to dip in the different sauces, although I ate it straight.

I also had a samosa, which seemed superfluous in the context of all the other food. It was good, but I'd have to say I actually prefer the samosas from Whole Foods. Weird, I know, but I could easily see it being the other way around for other people. Perhaps it was because I was so involved with eating the other food that I neglected the samosa until it was a little cold.

Complimenting the meal was a mango lassi. I don't really like mangos, but the mango lassi was pretty good. It was a little tart, but not overly so, and only the slightest bit sweet. It did an excellent job of clearing the palate and keeping all the different flavors distinct after each bite.

It was a very good experience eating at Samosa House East, made richer with the companionship of an old friend. If the food hadn't been good, I still would have had an enjoyable experience, but the fact that it was good only made things that much better.

Some other notes about Samosa House East:
- For some reason I'd been thinking of some place I made up in my head called Samosa Hut that I wanted to eat at, when I realized later there really was a place called Samosa House. Subconsciously ("Inception" anyone?) Samosa House got into my head. Then when I took one of their business cards, I realized I had seen it before, as it turned out I already had one. Wherever did I get my hands on it?

Samosa House East
10700 Washington Blvd.
Culver City, CA 90232
(310) 559-6350

How To Tell If Your Friend Is a Zombie Or a Dick

This is a very easy test for finding out whether your friend is a zombie or a dick. As your friend approaches you, moaning and groaning, squat down below the reach of his outstretched arms and quickly punch him in the groin. If he is truly a zombie, your punch will likely elicit a non-reaction as zombies don't feel pain. Then it's time to run. But if your friend is only faking being a zombie, he will crumple over in intense pain, righteous justification for acting like a dick.

My use of masculine pronouns is not a generalization. Girls generally don't act like dicks, and almost never would act like a zombie dick under most circumstances. If a female friend is acting like a zombie, it would be best to incapacitate her as quickly as possible. Decapitation is usually a viable method.

Ed. note: This method also guarantees that no one will try being a zombie ass again, so if your friend is lurching towards you a second time it's best to find the nearest heavy, blunt object and whack them over the head.

Ocean Sunfish

Actually it sort of looks like Blinky flying sideways, or maybe Pinky.

Why Mars Wouldn't Be Such a Bad Place For Me to Live

I'm thinking about moving some time in the next several months. There are a number of factors playing into my decision including proximity to work, proximity to friends, cost, access to food, zombie security, neighbors, etc. Some of my top candidates include Silverlake (closer to work, but also closer to hipsters which is a plus/minus), West LA (closer to friends, farther from work, but better food), and Los Feliz (closer to work, hipsters again). But one other option that I really should consider is Mars. The red planet, the fourth in our solar system, actually wouldn't be a bad fit for me. It might be far from my workplace and my friends for that matter, but it's also far from my enemies. Here's a few reason why Mars wouldn't be such a bad place for me to live.

The days are longer on Mars, 2.7% longer than Earth's in fact. Days on Mars are 24 hours and 39 minutes long. That means I could get an extra 39 minutes of beauty sleep!

The years are also longer on Mars at 687 Earth days. That means I would be considerably younger in Martian years. Why, in Martian years I'd be a little bit less than sixteen-years old! I'd still be a teenager!

Mars is also considerably cooler, at over 1.5 times the Earth's distance from the sun. As I run hot and prefer cooler climates, this would work in my favor.

I also prefer night to day for the most part, because it's cooler and also because it makes for better movie watching. And it's much easier and more fun to look up at the starry night sky than it is to look into the retina-frying sun. Plus Mars has two moons, Phobos and Deimos. That would be like having two giant nite-lites in the sky.

Lastly Mars is named after the Roman god of war (who in turn is just a rip off of the Greek god of war, Ares). I'm not particularly fond of war, but I do enjoy weapons of all sorts. It's like it was meant to be!

There are drawbacks to living on Mars though. Enormous dust storms. The largest dust storms in the solar system. That makes it pretty hard to play basketball outdoors. Limited water supply, possibly hidden in the polar ice caps. So no swimming pools. A nigh unbreathable atmosphere. Zero food options. But if a Mos Burger or a Pioneer Chicken were to open on Mars, then that would pretty much seal the deal for me.

Celebrity Sightings - More Luke Perry

Guess who has a blog and got to see Luke Perry topless? That's right, this guy.

While doing some errands at my Gma's house I saw Luke Perry trimming the hedges above his fence. Topless. Sweat glistening off his well-toned upper torso. So eat your hearts out, you time-traveling teenage girls from the early 90's, I know you wish you were me, and vice versa (a time machine would be so totally rad!).

Still not the best Luke Perry story I have, though. Psst, check out the earlier Luke Perry run-in. Beware, swearing was involved. And possibly nudity?

One More Reason Why China Is Awesome

I can name any number of reasons why China is awesome. Nearly 90% of the crap I own is made there. Xiaolongbao (Shanghai dumplings) comes from there. In fact, all Chinese food originated from there. Go figure. But here's one more reason, one more, why China is awesome:

My friend Mrs. Winterbottom got this for me when he visited China. (Or was it Hong Kong? He also got me a menu from a Hong Kong Mos Burger. I guess it was Hong Kong then. Or China and Hong Kong. I guess it's all China now.) This is great in so many ways. First it's Transformers, excuse me, Transmutation Formers Super Fireblast to be accurate. I keep mistaking it for Transformers since the catch phrase is very similar to Transformers' "More than meets the eye"—"More new items available." I love off-brand, repackaged Chinese toys, like this Beyond Experience Super Hero Animation pack I saw at Giant Giant Dollar.

But back to Transmutation Formers Super Fireblast (try saying that five times fast). On the front is a picture of Autobot leader Optimus Prime from Michael Bay's opus "Transformers." But looking closely at the background reveals...

A Naboo fighter! From "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace." So Transmutation Formers Super Fireblast exists in a universe that not only has Michael Bay's Optimus Prime, but also George Lucas' Naboo fighter. But wait, there's more!

The toy is marked as a "First Grade Product," with an additional note at the bottom that says "Future War, the best welcome gifts for the children."

Now what could this mean? Is this toy from a future Bay-Lucas crossover universe of war where these toys are handed out to visiting children? Or does it mean that future wars are the best welcome gift to give visiting children? If anyone has seen the movie "Future War" with all that flannel and cardboard boxes, then you would know that that can't be true.

Now move onto the very corner of the blist pack backing.

It might be hard to read but it shows things not to do, with cryptic Engrish and even more cryptic pictures. "No in mouth." "No to wind." "No aim peoples." Interpreting these is difficult enough, but interpreting them in the context of this toy is even harder. How do I aim this Transmutation Formers Super Fireblast at peoples? I supposed if I pretended it was some sort of future war gun, then I could conceivably aim at someone, but I hardly think that would be dangerous. And what is "No to wind?" Does it mean "wind like a cord?" How would I wind this around someone's neck, let alone their finger?

Off-brand, repackaged Chinese toys are like the greatest Chinese puzzle box you could ever have. It's like playing that game where you point out all the things that are wrong with the picture. I haven't even gotten to the toy, which would appear to be a reproduction of a Gen 1 Bumblebee and a Bayformer shitty Bumblebee in only two colors. That's super cheap. But I've already gotten my money's worth out of it, and will continue to get my money's worth pondering why it is, how it was, who's it when, and how'd it do. This has to be one of the best gifts I've ever gotten from China, so thanks Mrs. Winterbottom.

Sustainability in Zombieful World

When the zombiepocalypse comes, most people will likely hole up in their homes in favor of self-preservation. In some areas it is likely that people will be able to survive on their own without assistance from the government for weeks, possibly years. But while these people remain locked behind doors and barricades, who will be handling recyclables and waste management? While eradication of the zombie scourge is a top priority, civil undertakings should not be neglected. Most assuredly people will be making do and reusing what they can under the circumstances, but there will be refuse and other wasted materials no doubt filling the streets. Without regular trash collections and ongoing recycling, garbage will pile up higher than a zombie staircase trying to reach the last fat cat stuck on the second balcony at the Met. By continuing waste disposal service in the midst of adversity, humankind supports sustainability on a number of fronts and proves itself as a species worth saving.

Broadly speaking, sustainability is the ability to endure, so it is doubly appropriate with respect to zombies. As zombies are for the most part unique to humans (depending on the source material), they pose a singular threat to peoplekind. Zombies threaten all aspects of human life, from politics to society, economics, etc. Hence it is appropriate that people would take a stand against zombies to preserve the status quo.

But sustainability also relates to ecology and the environment. Creating a sustainable environment also promotes the status quo insofar as slowing down the ravaging effects of industrialization and civilization in general. Sustainable environments can also ensure a healthier future with reduced greenhouse gases and increased flora and fauna populations over time which adds much to diversity in nature. Should the environment be tainted by an overzealous human race ignorant of what is happening, zombies won't be the only thing threatening their existence.

By continuing to be the custodians of the Earth, humans will prove to be worthy caretakers who deserved to have inherited it from the dinosaurs. Furthermore keeping the streets clean would likely reduce the transmission of fatal infections and diseases that would only serve to increase the zombie state. People really have to do their part in maintaining a sustainable environment if they hope to survive. By focusing solely on the zombie dilemma while neglecting other areas of life, humans will paint themselves into a corner where it will be all to easy for the zombies to trap them and consume their delectable brains.

Celebrity Sightings - Tony Todd

Tony Todd is one of those actors who has a memorable voice and face, but most people don't know his name. He's been in such films as "Night of the Living Dead" (the Tom Savini version), "The Rock" ("You know how this shit works?"), "Final Destination," and "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen." But he is perhaps best remembered as the titular character of the "Candyman" series in which he plays the Candyman, the vengeful spirit of an urban legend similar to Bloody Mary. Chant Candyman's name four times (or was it five?) and he'll appear with his hook-hand and bees at his command.

I saw Tony Todd at a Rubio's in West L.A. He was pretty tall, and unmistakable as who could ever forget the Candyman? He was there with a friend, and although he stood out, people weren't swarming him. I don't understand why. Who wouldn't want the Candyman's autograph?

The Pitch - Hobo Reality Shows

I derive a great deal of inspiration whenever I'm around my friends. This week's brilliant idea revolved around hobos, hobodom, and reality TV shows.

"Survivor" is a hugely popular reality TV show in which a group of contestants are stranded in an isolated location and have to "survive." Hobos have been surviving for years, isolated in the midst of a society that largely turns a blind eye toward them. Why not provide them the opportunity to prove their survival skills while at the same time offering them a chance at a more inclusive role in society?

There are very few television programs that focus on hobos, and even fewer reality shows (by my count, zero). There are hobos all over, yet they make up a very small percentage of the characters on TV. I don't recall ever seeing a hobo on "Friends," although I might be mistaken. (After all, they did get around to showing black people when Ross had that one girlfriend who wasn't Rachel, his student, the bald girl, or the Asian girl.) So why not better represent hobos and their culture with their own reality television show?

With the ranks of the homeless bolstered by each foreclosure and loan default, there is an ever-growing contestant pool for hobo reality shows. How about "The Hobo Real World?" This is the true story of seven hobos, picked to live in an alley, and have their lives taped to find out what happens when hobos stop being polite and start being real. It is easy to imagine the accusations of who is hooking up with whom in whose sleeping box and who is taking dumps in the communal space, and still this show does not exist. Yet. Besides, the production budget would be phenomenally low and it is extremely difficult to have walkouts. Where could they go? To another alley? Most conceivably. To a house? Not very much likely.

Their limited means can often force hobos to be creative with whatever they have at hand, be it cardboard boxes and styrofoam trays or yesterdays leftovers. And hobos just have a flair for fashion with their distressed, post-apocalyptic,'90s grunge-look. It is surprising that fashionistas have not tapped more into hobo culture in developing the next big look. A little "Project Alleyway" or "America's Next Top Hobo" would do much to propel hobo couture into the limelight.

Hobos are simply fascinating with often engaging personal stories and cautionary histories. They are ripe for entertainment and deserve people's attention, so why not put them on the television? Give them a chance to regain their dignity and earn the respect of society by making them the stars their own shows, like "Jersey Hobos" and "The Real Hobo Housewives of Orange County." On second thought, perhaps they are better off where they are.



Other hobo reality TV shows conceived but not used in this article:

America's Hobos Got Talent
Dancing With the Hobos
Hobo Elimidate
Hobo Idol
Homeless Eye for the Homebound Guy
Rail Rules
Top Hobo Chef

Date With a Zombie

There are two types of people in this world—those who have a zombie preparedness plan and zombie food. I fall into the former category. I think I spend more time considering zombie plans for wherever I go than I do planning for actual emergencies. I'll tell you right now I'm not going anywhere during the great zombiepocalypse. I plan on staying right at home, plinking nearby zombies with any firearms I can obtain.

One of the things I love about zombies is that they're people, but they're also blight. Killing them is an issue of survival. For every zombie you let survive, they greater the likelihood of more people being converted. Furthermore they're being dead absolves one from murder as you can't kill what is legally dead. As such I have no qualms about massacring zombies left and right, be they family, lovers, or friends. It's like a coming out party for the little sociopath inside of me.

But what if it were possible to reverse the condition? Readers already know I don't believe that is possible as I only believe in classic zombies, but we'll go ahead and ponder this hypothetical question. Would it make a difference? No. Not to me at least. As I stated before, it's a matter of survival. If there were some blanket cure that the government could rain from the skies, then fine. But while FEMA and the military are busy dragging they're asses, I'll be doing my best to reduce the zombie population to nil.

So I already have plans for the zombiepocalypse. I'm almost certain they're a little different from your plans, oh reader. Mine might not be the best plan, but between us, who do you think is going to be having more fun?

Mentaiko Spaghetti

I had a craving for Japanese snacks the other day, and spent a little too much money at the Japanese market. But I also got some mentaiko (spicy cod roe) and shiso so I could make one of my favorite meals: mentaiko spaghetti. I'm the only one in the house who likes mentaiko, and since it usually comes as two pieces I can get two meals out of it.

The recipe I use is very simple: mix one tablespoon of soft butter with a small spoonful of kombu-cha and the insides of one piece of mentaiko. Mix with freshly made pasta, and the mentaiko will semi-cook from the residual heat. Then all you have to do is top it with sliced shiso and nori. It only takes about 10 minutes to make. By comparison it took five minutes to take the picture.

Faux Versailles

Costco has a very good carnitas product that just needs to be microwaved. It has all sorts of applications: it can also be used for BBQ pulled pork sandwiches, among other things. I've been wanting to make lechon asado (Cuban-style roast pork) for some time, but it's difficult to find a piece of pork picnic shoulder that large and it takes several hours to prepare, so I decided to shortcut it by using the microwaveable carnitas.

I still had plantains from when I made the jerk chicken, so I assembled a meal like the one they serve at Versailles. I made a roughshod garlic mojo criollo sauce and also prepared some converted rice and black beans. The rice turned out a little too hard, but the plantains weren't bad (they did take two weeks to ripen), and the lechon with the mojo criollo sauce actually came out tasting similar to Versailles' dish.

Jerk Chicken

Long time, no blog. As of late I've been afflicted with a lethal combination of the three nesses—business, tiredness, and laziness.

However today I cooked something different—jerk chicken. I first had jerk chicken when my next door neighbor shared some with me many years ago, and I've been chasing that recipe ever since. I currently use a modified version of a recipe I pulled off of the Food Network. It's okay, but not quite like the jerk chicken I had years ago.

My version is a little more layered, but lacking in the citrus-permeating flavor that I really want. It's good, oftentimes better than the jerk chicken I've had at restaurants.

It's fairly spicy, too. It's so hot, I need to use gloves when preparing the marinade. If I don't, I'm not able to put my contacts in for three days. I know, I know, why don't I scrub more? I'd pretty much have to take off the top four layers of skin to get the capsaicin out. I use habaneros which are potent enough to cause blistering if proper care isn't taken, and it really gets down deep. In the end, while the peppers are hot, the chicken is significantly less so since I remove the seeds and ribs from the pepper.

My sister made tiramisu for dessert. She even made the ladyfingers from scratch, as she was disappointed in the store-bought ones. It could be just the whipped mascarpone mix talking, but it was really good, better than any tiramisu I've had lately.

Shitty Movie Review - "Killdozer!"

Disclaimer: For some of my friends (you know who you are), refrain from reading this review until you've seen the film as there are some spoilers that, while they most likely won't lessen your love for the movie, might be better left unknown for the time being.
End disclaimer.

You know a movie will be good when people talk about it like a myth, but it is impossible to find a copy. Now I'd heard of "Killdozer!" through friends who in turn heard about it on the "Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien." It is impossible to buy a legitimate copy of "Killdozer!" but I was able to find a bootleg broadcast recording of it as an .avi file.

The film is based on a 1944 novella by Theodore Sturgeon. It took another 30 years before technology would reach the point that they could bring the novella to life.

The film does not strive to be anything more than what it is. Essentially everything you need to know is in the title: "Killdozer!" The author was able to sum up his story in a concise, straightforward, original one-word exclamation. It's a bulldozer that kills.

It is difficult to stress how amazing this movie is. Typically when I watch a movie, I try to tear it apart to see what I could do to push it back and forth over the line of common-sense film-making, to see how it could have been better, or at least smarter, then just the opposite to see how I could make it stupider. Usually I push harder for the stupider. "Killdozer!" managed to out-think me and go the extra step I would have done to defy all logic while still staying within the strict confines of the rules it sets for itself. In other words, you won't see Killdozer fly, but you will see it hiding and peeping out of the bushes, taunting people, and generally being a dick.

It is similar in plot to "Duel" which preceded it, and "Jaws" and "Christine" that followed it. Instead of a killer truck or shark, imagine a heavy bulldozer—a very slow bulldozer—that is slowly killing off the engineers and workers at an isolated Liberian construction site. I know what you're thinking—why can't they leave? Well, because they have job to do, dammit, and because they're lazy and can't run away from the unstoppable force that is Killdozer. In movies of this caliber, there is no shortage of idiocy amongst the principal characters. A character will make claims of a rogue bulldozer, yet no one will believe him and at the same time the bulldozer is clearly missing and no one else could have taken it. And no one goes looking for it. La-zee.

At one point two of the remaining characters stand at the top of a steep incline. One of them asks whether he thinks the incline is too steep for Killdozer to climb. The other character responds that, "given enough time, it can make roads anywhere."

One character, the foreman, refuses to walk further than ten feet, opting every time to hop into his jeep and drive the ten to fifteen feet to where he needs to go. It isn't until the end that he is forced to walk more than ten feet under his own strength.

Another character is so blatantly a closet homosexual it's remarkable that he even remained as is in the script. He constantly reminisces about the times he spent with his best friend, a "beautiful kid," who dies early on in the movie. He mentions getting into barroom brawls with him at his side and skinny dipping with him in Iraq. Then he invites others to join him for a midnight swim. He's always trying to pair off with one of the other guys. When it's suggested they form a threesome, he always refuses. One is enough for him.

This film has taught me many things. Why walk ten feet when you can drive? Bulldozers often go rogue. It's more important to bury your comrades than to try to stop a bulldozer from killing you. That an avalanche of small pebbles is life threatening. That rusty corrugated steel pipes make for a bad escape. That one and a half days is an impossible eternity. That Killdozer hates smoke.

I apologize for the lack of a picture, but this movie is so rad that even decent pictures are scarce.

My shitty movie rating: A perfect 10. This has to be one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. I laughed so hard I cried. It's like "Night of a 1000 Cats" or "The Wicker Man" good.

Celebrity Sightings - David Cross

Living in L.A., you bump into so many celebrities that sometimes you forget. Case in point, the time I saw David Cross at Souplantation. Now I'm not a particularly big fan of Souplantation (honestly I hate it). Their all-you-can-eat lunch feels like a rip off since meat is as scarce as a hippo at a hipster hip-hop fest. But for some reason I was there, by myself, when I saw David Cross, also looking somewhat dissatisfied, as he jotted notes down in a booklet. He was probably writing jokes about how Souplantation doesn't really offer as many soups as you would expect ("Souplantation, more like craplantation") and how they somehow managed to demeatify as much of their food as possible. Donny think crappy.

Killing Time in the Children's Section

A really good way to kill time is to go to the children's section of any bookstore and start reading books. You can accomplish a variety of things this way.

Firstly, you can learn new words and increase your vocabulary. Because children's books are aimed at children, the meanings of words can be easily discerned based on the context and images in the book.

Secondly, most children's books are short and yet many are story-driven with relatively simple plots. This makes children's books easy to understand while at the same time offering a very fast form of entertainment. In the amount of time it would take to read an adult novel, you could probably read over a dozen children's books. Imagine, that's twelve times the number of stories that are usually contained in a novel!

Thirdly, for parents, reading children's books in the children's section allows you to pre-screen books for your children. By reading the book first you gain an understanding of the material and can also select titles that are worthwhile.

Lastly, it's easy to miss simple life lessons as you grow up. A good way to learn about important themes like friendship, teamwork, or honesty is by reading children's books. Almost all children's books focus on some theme or moral making them invaluable as teaching tools.

So next time you have a few minutes to spare, head on over to the children's section of the bookstore where entertainment and learning abound.

Grilled Portabello Caprese Panini

After having eaten Skooby's and Carney's within the last week, I had to go a little lighter with dinner, so I opted with a panini. This particular panini was inspired by Caprese salads and Caprese sandwiches as well as a portabello panini I had at the L.A. Convention Center several years ago. The mushroom was a good alternative to protein, and the Caprese was refreshing. I only wished I had gotten a better mozzarella, since the one I got was a little dry for my liking.

Skooby's

I find it strange that Hollywood is like my backyard, and that I didn't start hanging out there until I found out about Skooby's.

When most people think about hot dogs in L.A., they think about Pink's. It's a Los Angeles institution, but frankly I find it overrated. And overcrowded. I don't think the hot dogs there are so great that I would be willing to stand on line for a half hour, especially considering that you only have to wait a few minutes for a Costco Polish and it only costs $1.50 and you get a drink. That being said, it's not like Skooby's hot dogs are altogether amazing either, but then it's only a few blocks away from Pink's, you barely have to wait to order and get one served up, and they hafe infinitely better fries. The difference really is their fries and their Arnold Palmers.

I discovered Skooby's because I was hunting for the best fries in L.A., particularly Belgian-style French fries. Researching the Chowhound message boards led me to Skooby's. Skooby's doesn't really serve Belgian-style fries, but they are good, and if they're not the best in L.A., then I don't know who is.

Skooby's uses real, fresh Idaho and Washington potatoes that are generously cut into traditional fry strips and less traditional chip slices. They are double fried (the best way to fry) in peanut oil, then tossed with seasoned salt and served up with an aioli dipping sauce. If the fries only consisted of the fries proper, that would be good enough to distinguish themselves from most other restaurants that serve fries. Add in the chip slices and the aioli though, and you have something otherworldly. Add chili, cheddar, or bacon and you have heaven. The fries would be one of the sides in my dream meal (which would also have Pioneer Chicken).

The hotdogs, on the other hand, are alright. The hot dogs and buns are made specially for them, and are different from the other hot dog joints around town. The hot dogs are somewhat small, especially when compared to the hot dogs at Pink's, or even Carney's. But they have less of a mass-produced feel to them, if that makes sense. The buns are atypical of hot dog buns and are more similar to rolls. They also have a slightly chewy quality to them which may or may not be desirable to some. Of note is their chili dog which they serve with their homemade chili made with Guinness. It is a very mellow chili that has a bit more personality than say Pink's or Tommy's.

They also serve one of the best Arnold Palmers in town, made with fresh lemonade. I find that both their ice tea and their lemonade go well together, neither one standing out more than the other. It's not too tart, not too sweet, and not too bitter.

My typical meal at Skooby's is usually a double bacon cheddar fries, a side of hot dog, and an Arnold Palmer. It's a generous meal, with an excellent proportion of fries to hot dog. I would suggest however ordering additional aioli, since you'll find yourself wanting more.

Some other notes about Skooby's:
- 5 out of 7 on my mess-o-meter, meaning you will need napkins.
- Skooby's is literally a hole in the wall in Hollywood, so don't expect any fancy indoor seating. Or any seating for that matter. Eating space is very limited outside. The Manhattan Beach location is probably roomier (they also serve burgers there), but it isn't the same as hanging out on Hollywood Blvd.
- What you lose in space, they make up for with an awesome soundtrack. They're constantly blasting great punk music, sometimes even foreign punk music.
- If you have the option of choosing between a bacon cheddar hot dog and a double Skooby's fries, or a regular hot dog and a double bacon cheddar cheddar fries, go for the latter. The price breakdown is such that you get more value adding the cheddar and the bacon to the fries rather than the dog. Or better yet, get both bacon-cheddarized.

Skooby's
6654 Hollywood Blvd.
Hollywood, CA 90028
(323) HOT-DOGS

Cool Dudes of History - George Tirebiter

Today's cool dude ... is actually a dog. Although I graduated a Bruin, I'll have to admit that my all-time favorite Trojan is USC's George Tirebiter. Like so many legends, the legend of George Tirebiter is shrouded partly in myth. Some claim the original Tirebiter was a stray that hung around Curry's Ice Cream Parlor, or that he was actually adopted by locals following the death of his owner. Whatever the case, his fondness for chasing after bicycles and cars and biting their rubber tires is where he got his name. The "George" is attributed to a Navy V-12 student named George Kuhns to whom he bore a resemblance.

George Tirebiter grew to be a popular school mascot during the 40s and 50s, riding in cars and running onto the field of USC football games, often wearing a USC sweater made especially for him. One story even has him biting the nose of Cal mascot Oski the Bear to the great applause of Trojans everywhere.

At one point he disappeared for a week, the victim of an apparent kidnapping. The culprits turned out to be the crosstown rival Bruins. When he was returned stories differ as to what had been done to him—in one he was covered in honey and feathers, and in another "UCLA" was shaved into his fur.

Following his days at USC he retired to a farm in El Centro, where he passed away doing what he loved—chasing cars. A funeral was held on the USC campus, where the Daily Trojan sadly proclaimed that "Tires are safe now."

He was succeeded by three other George Tirebiters, but the original will always be remembered best. In 2006 a statue of George Tirebiter, one of the great dog statues of the world, was unveiled on the USC campus, depicting him in his trademark sweater with a piece of torn tire hanging from his mouth.

Bite on.

Celebrity Sightings - Heather Graham

I know what you're wondering ... And yes, she has very nice, uh ... skin, yeah, very fine, almost translucent, and free of blemishes. I could make out the veins beneath the surface her skin she was so delicate.

She came into Mail Boxes, Etc. one day and I had the good fortune of helping her. She was a very pretty, yet fairly normal girl. With huge, uh ... eyes, yeah, eyes. She was actually very pleasant and sweet and not at all like some Hollywood starlets. She was probably one of the top ten nicest customers I ever assisted. She wasn't even wearing makeup, and she was still quite attractive.

Her boobs were nice, too.

Books for Sale

I had to go to Little Tokyo today to do some grocery shopping, so I stopped by the bookstore to see if they had anything of interest. Well, they did, but not for the reasons you might think. On the sales rack were a bunch of the books I worked on (nearly the whole row in the middle). It's strange to think that that company I worked for has been gone for about a year and a half now, and yet there are still books out there that stand as a testament that we did exist at one time.

It's a little sad to see them being sold so cheaply, but I feel like we worked very hard on them and that we did a good job, so I can be proud.

I see that there's still a copy of "Yoki Koto Kiku," so you should grab it if you have the chance. Or ask me for one ... I kind of have a case of those in my closet. Shh, it's our little secret ;)

Soot Bull Jeep

I had another lunch date with the three lovely ladies I accompanied to Hong Kong Kitchen a while back. Today we went to Soot Bull Jeep in K-Town. I know, Soot Bull Jeep sounds like the answers to a random fill in the blank game like madlibs (if you're some weirdo who doesn't do what everyone else does and just use some variations on "penis" and "poop"), but it's really a Korean barbecue restaurant. They even use real charcoal!

There wasn't a wait, because there were only two couples in the restaurant when we got there. However there were only two waitress and no busboy ... Dun dun dun, and the plot thickens.

We sit, order a plate of squid, a plate of mino (honeycomb tripe), and rib eye. They bring us our banchan, and one cup of ice. What, no water? But wait, there's more!

Our food comes, but they replace the rib eye with some other meat because I'm not sure why. The other meat is marinated though, so it's not a big deal.

Meanwhile we're cooking and eating, and more and more people come in. We still haven't gotten our water, and we're pretty hot. They do get around to bringing the rice, so we're getting somewhere. I don't know where that is, but it's somewhere with rice at least.

Halfway through the meal we run out of kimchee, which is a problem ... Because it's so good! It's, like, better than regular kimchee. I don't know how to describe it, it just tasted better. The best way to describe it is it's like the opposite of shit. Unless I mean, "it's the shit," in which case it would be like that, awesome. We ask for more. It never comes. But that's kind of a spoiler.

Finally the waitress passes by and we beg for water, because it's so hot, temperature hot, and I'm sweating like a pig. Mostly because I just finished playing basketball and my metabo-rate is all haywire. Plus I got a baby in one arm, so added body heat.

We finish eating, the kimchee never comes and we wait. For the waitress, for the check, for anyone who can come save us. We push ourselves farther and farther away from the table to escape the residual heat from the smoldering charcoal. I toss a few mizu kimchee pieces onto the grill to cool it off, but it does no good. The ice is long gone.

In desperation, Slice Princess and I whip out our DSs and play DQ to show the world that we're done eating, and that we're huge nerds. She beats a super difficult boss, and I wonder why my master is forcing me to give him the fyggs that I worked so hard to gather and that I don't want to part with.

Queen Poo (formerly Princess Poo, but now Popolyn has earned that title) waves her hand in the air wildly always just at the moment the waitress turns her head. Princess Poo has meanwhile given up all hope, and sleeps, resolved to her fate.

Finally, after much arm waving, yelling, and crying, a waitress comes to our aid and delivers our check. Within seconds we burst out of the door into the cool 85+ degree heat.

THE END

And as for the food, the food was good, the service very not much so, and the temperature very, very not much so.

Some other notes about Soot Bull Jeep:
- Not cheap.
- Smells like charcoal.

Soot Bull Jeep
3136 W 8th St
Los Angeles, CA 90005
(213) 387-3865

Tasty Garden

Another day, another Chinese restaurant. I keep forgetting to take pictures when I go to J & J Restaurant, so you'll have to wait for that. But today's restaurant, Tasty Garden in Arcadia, was very good, and holds true to it's name (the "tasty" part, not the "garden" so much).

We ordered five dishes, well beyond what two people should eat, but no matter. The first dish was the glazed walnut shrimp, a favorite of my mom's. Although she claims it wasn't as good as the last time she had it, it was still very good and there were some bites that made me wistful for the days when shrimp was like potatoes and you couldn't go anywhere where there wasn't shrimp on the side. You say that never was? Well, I like to dream it. The shrimp were very large, much larger than the average shrimp found at any seafood restaurant. There was a light coating of mayonnaise, and the walnuts were very fresh and crispy.

The second dish out was green beans. At first I thought there were fried with garlic, but upon further tasting, I would guess that they used some rehydrated, marinated turnip. The flavor was intense, like a shiitake, but the texture was closer to a ground meat. It was surprisingly good and I wouldn't have expected such interesting and profound flavors in such a simple vegetable dish.

We had to have some sort of noodle, so we ordered barbecue pork chow fun. I find noodle dishes rarely stand out, and such was the case here. It was serviceable, but not anything to write home about, which is just as well since there were so many other delectable foods.

The pork spareribs in black bean sauce was another disappointment. While all the other dishes were so generous, the amount of spareribs was rather meager. This isn't the type of dish you should order at a cafe, which is sort of the place Tasty Garden is, although not entirely so. Most of the dishes need to be quick, but you can't really rush the rice in the pork spareribs. There was too much moisture when they made the dish, so while the rice formed a koge (or crust for the non-Japanese readers), it became chewy. The flavors weren't really there either, with a little too much star anise appearing in the aftertaste.

The last plate that came out was the salt and spicy squid, which was done very well here. It's probably better than anywhere else I can get it. The coating was very crisp, but not too heavy or greasy, and the squid was cooked to the right tenderness. I would go there again just to get this. And maybe the frog which is fried the same way.

If there were two dishes that were head and shoulders above the rest, they were the glazed walnut shrimp and the salt and spicy squid. These are dishes you can get at almost any Chinese restaurant nowadays, but few places actually do them well. Luckily, Tasty Garden is one of the few.

Some other notes about Tasty Garden:
- As with most Chinese restaurants, Guan Yu is looking out for you. Trust Guan Yu, because if you don't, he'll kick your ass.
- They have a dessert display, so I got the durian pudding and my mom got the steamed egg and milk. The durian pudding tasted like bread, but the steamed egg and milk? It's like what it says. It's like the vanilla of vanilla. It was like a shitty chawanmushi.

Tasty Garden
1212 South Baldwin Ave.
Arcadia, CA 91007
(626) 300-8262