Shitty Movie Review - "Space Truckers"

Well, it's been a long time since my last shitty movie review. But to be honest, "Killdozer!" is a pretty tough act to follow, so I had to take a break. But now I'm back with more shitty movie reviews and hopefully you'll find something to your liking.
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"That was some of the best driving I've ever seen."
-Mike Pucci

With the passing of Dennis Hopper earlier this year, my friends and I wanted to do something to honor him—so we had a mini-movie marathon of some of his greatest films. "Space Truckers" is one such film. A classic staple of late night television unwatched, many have heard of "Space Truckers," some have seen parts of it, and fewer have sat through all 95 minutes of it.

It starts out promising enough, with an opening setup reminiscent of the rebels lining the hall of the Tantive IV right before the slew of stormtroopers busts in and starts ripping shit up. But instead of an army of stormtroopers, it's one incredibly cheesy looking robot that looks like the lovechild of the xenomorph from "Alien" and the predator's shoulder cannon from "Predator." It's pretty hard to take this sophisticated, state-of-the-art war machine seriously when it has a pincer for a left hand. Really, did the scientists not want it to be able to pick things up with its left hand? Is pinching the future's answer to this century's Brazilian jujitsu? Good thing it's a got a switch blade built into it's left arm. And if that's where the film starts ... you really shouldn't expect a whole lot in the way of serious cinema, but that's okay.

See, "Space Truckers" is one of those movies you'd swear came out in the mid 80s. It reminds me a lot of "Robot Jox" in terms of its aesthetics (read crappy special effects), and even that movie was released in 1990. But no, it's not from the 80s, it's not even from the early 90s. This movie was released in 1996. By comparison, "Jurassic Park" came out in 1993. Hell, "Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope" came out in 1977, and the special effects in that film blow "Space Truckers" away. But the lack of believable special effects is not really a detriment to the film, as it's more of a charm point. The effects are quaint by today's standards, even by yesterday's standards. This movie isn't trying to be a blockbuster special effects movie, and on that note it succeeds. For example, vector graphics are all over the HUDs in this movie. It makes me want to play that old PC tank game I had back in the day.

There are plenty of bright spots in the film. The gates and trucking lanes are pretty cool, and one can see the influence that "Space Truckers" had on "Cowboy Bebop," especially in Session 7's "Heavy Metal Queen." I also have to give a lot of credit to the set designers who really put a lot of work and effort into all the little background details, like the advertisements and the signage.

As for the characters, Dennis Hopper as John Canyon delivers as good a performance as a completely sober Hopper can, as a character who is neither a drug addict or an alcoholic. Debbie Mazar plays a space version amalgam of pretty much every other character she's played, and Stephen Dorff is Stephen Dorff, getting topless and showing off his body in the almost nude and sweaty second act. I was surprised to see Charles Dance of Numsy in "The Golden Child" fame in a fairly comic role as Nabel/Macanudo, the half-human, half robot scientist that created the abomination mentioned earlier. Most people who've seen part of the movie will remember that he looks like Hacker from "Centurions" and that he has a pull-start robo-penis with blinking blue LEDs (hey, it's just like my 'puter). Oh, and hey, there's Norm from "Cheers!"

If this still isn't enough to get you to watch the movie there's also this: square pigs.

Dennis Hopper left behind a legacy of films, and "Space Truckers" is right up there at the top, along with "Hoosiers," "Speed," and "Super Mario Brothers." As his character John Canyon puts it in the movie, "For a son of a bitch gimp racist murderer, he died okay." Indeed, indeed.

My shitty movie rating: 6.5 out of 10. It's worth watching, especially with group of friends, but unless you're a Dennis Hopper fan or Stephen Dorff fan, you may not want to watch it multiple times within the year. Maybe a once every one or two year dealy.

Ghost Book of the Week - Ghosts in the House!

I was in the Japanese bookstore several weeks ago, killing time as I am wont to do when I chanced upon the most charming ghost book called Ghosts in the House! I was captivated by the cute cover illustration and the fact that it was about ghosts. The book cast a magical spell over me, such that once I read the first page, I couldn't stop until I had read the whole book. Unbelievable is right, a whole book in one standing!

Ghosts in the House! is a charming book about a young girl and her cat who move into a house only to find that it is haunted. But she is no ordinary girl, so she makes the best of what could be a bad situation and ... well, you really should read it. The story is fun and not at all scary, and the book is full of wonderfully conceived illustration by Kazuno Kohara in an art style reminiscent of block printing.

I enjoyed the book so much that I bought it to read to my niece, but so far I've only read it to myself, multiple times. It never gets tiresome and always cheers me up. If you're looking for an excellent read about ghosts, then check out Ghosts in the House!

Ghosts in the House!
Kazuno Kohara
Roaring Book Press: 32pp., $12.95

Yokai of the Week Halloween Edition - Tengu

After a long break, the Yokai of the Week is back for a special occasion—Halloween!

Tengu are demons that live in mountain and forest regions. Their name derives from the Chinese Tiangou, a dog-like demon, but the Japanese version instead bears both human and avian features. But perhaps the most prominent features of tengu are their red faces and long noses.

They were long ago associated with war, and were often seen as harbingers of war. But as time went on, their image has softened and they are now associated with the practice of Shugendo, wherein individuals seek enlightenment through an understanding of their relationship with nature. They can still be menacing as they are protective of the nature around them, but they have also been known to take in human disciples and train them in mystical martial arts.

Yokai Masterpiece #8 - Tengu - Pumpkin & Zucchini

I didn't like having to use additional materials to make the nose, but at least I kept it in the squash family. It also didn't help that the pumpkin was totally lopsided (I didn't pick it) so I had to cut out the top and made that the bottom.

Samosa House

Today I had lunch with a good friend I hadn't seen in a long time. She's vegetarian (more precisely a starchitarian) so I suggested Samosa House, as it was close to her place and I had never been there. It turned out there are two Samosa Houses, the original Samosa House and Samosa House East, so we met at Samosa House East.

The set up is much like a cafeteria, with steaming trays of various curries behind the counter. The dining area is very open and well lit, with one large dining table in the middle and several smaller tables along the windows. Outdoor seating is also available.

They don't have an expansive menu, but it can still seem daunting with all the choices. I ordered a three item combo, a samosa, and a mango lassi.

For the three item combo, you get your choice of three of the items available at their food counter. I opted for aloo baingan, saag, and the veggie chicken. The aloo baingan was made of potatoes, eggplant, as well as the requisite spices. I like aloo gobi (potato and cauliflower), so I thought I would give the aloo baingan a try, and it turned out I like it just as much as aloo gobi. The potato kind of disappears into the dish, but the eggplant pieces are prominent. It looked as though the eggplants were green rather than purple, but they didn't taste bitter like an unripe eggplant or even a ripe eggplant which can also be quite bitter. For me, the aloo baingan was more about textures than the wonderfully rich spices, and if offered a stark contrast to the other two dishes I got.

The saag was pretty straight forward, consisting of spinach and spices. I prefer saag paneer (spinach and cheese), but that appears to be a dish exclusive to the original Samosa House. It wasn't bad, but the other dishes were so good that it kind of got pushed to the back.

The true standout of the meal was the veggie chicken. It had to be good, since even hours afterward it was still on my mind. The veggie chicken came in bite-size chunks in what appeared to be a peanut-based sauce. It's not that it tasted exactly like chicken or even had the exact texture. The texture was similar to chicken in the way the grain followed a mostly uniform direction, but it was chewier. The closest food I could think of that the veggie chicken most resembled in terms of taste and texture would be an Asian fish meatball. Now bear with me, as I know that might be gross to some people, but if you've ever really had an Asian fish meatball, like in Japanese oden, then it's not at all like, say, an Italian meatball. It's more processed and it doesn't taste strongly fishy. It's difficult to explain unless you've had it, which might also be the case with the veggie chicken. All you need to know was that it was very good. I will go there again just for the veggie chicken.

The combo also came with a choice of white or brown rice (I got white) and plain or garlic naan (I got garlic of course). The garlic naan (which is like a lightly-toasted bread) came hot and buttered and could be used to dip in the different sauces, although I ate it straight.

I also had a samosa, which seemed superfluous in the context of all the other food. It was good, but I'd have to say I actually prefer the samosas from Whole Foods. Weird, I know, but I could easily see it being the other way around for other people. Perhaps it was because I was so involved with eating the other food that I neglected the samosa until it was a little cold.

Complimenting the meal was a mango lassi. I don't really like mangos, but the mango lassi was pretty good. It was a little tart, but not overly so, and only the slightest bit sweet. It did an excellent job of clearing the palate and keeping all the different flavors distinct after each bite.

It was a very good experience eating at Samosa House East, made richer with the companionship of an old friend. If the food hadn't been good, I still would have had an enjoyable experience, but the fact that it was good only made things that much better.

Some other notes about Samosa House East:
- For some reason I'd been thinking of some place I made up in my head called Samosa Hut that I wanted to eat at, when I realized later there really was a place called Samosa House. Subconsciously ("Inception" anyone?) Samosa House got into my head. Then when I took one of their business cards, I realized I had seen it before, as it turned out I already had one. Wherever did I get my hands on it?

Samosa House East
10700 Washington Blvd.
Culver City, CA 90232
(310) 559-6350

How To Tell If Your Friend Is a Zombie Or a Dick

This is a very easy test for finding out whether your friend is a zombie or a dick. As your friend approaches you, moaning and groaning, squat down below the reach of his outstretched arms and quickly punch him in the groin. If he is truly a zombie, your punch will likely elicit a non-reaction as zombies don't feel pain. Then it's time to run. But if your friend is only faking being a zombie, he will crumple over in intense pain, righteous justification for acting like a dick.

My use of masculine pronouns is not a generalization. Girls generally don't act like dicks, and almost never would act like a zombie dick under most circumstances. If a female friend is acting like a zombie, it would be best to incapacitate her as quickly as possible. Decapitation is usually a viable method.

Ed. note: This method also guarantees that no one will try being a zombie ass again, so if your friend is lurching towards you a second time it's best to find the nearest heavy, blunt object and whack them over the head.

Ocean Sunfish

Actually it sort of looks like Blinky flying sideways, or maybe Pinky.

Why Mars Wouldn't Be Such a Bad Place For Me to Live

I'm thinking about moving some time in the next several months. There are a number of factors playing into my decision including proximity to work, proximity to friends, cost, access to food, zombie security, neighbors, etc. Some of my top candidates include Silverlake (closer to work, but also closer to hipsters which is a plus/minus), West LA (closer to friends, farther from work, but better food), and Los Feliz (closer to work, hipsters again). But one other option that I really should consider is Mars. The red planet, the fourth in our solar system, actually wouldn't be a bad fit for me. It might be far from my workplace and my friends for that matter, but it's also far from my enemies. Here's a few reason why Mars wouldn't be such a bad place for me to live.

The days are longer on Mars, 2.7% longer than Earth's in fact. Days on Mars are 24 hours and 39 minutes long. That means I could get an extra 39 minutes of beauty sleep!

The years are also longer on Mars at 687 Earth days. That means I would be considerably younger in Martian years. Why, in Martian years I'd be a little bit less than sixteen-years old! I'd still be a teenager!

Mars is also considerably cooler, at over 1.5 times the Earth's distance from the sun. As I run hot and prefer cooler climates, this would work in my favor.

I also prefer night to day for the most part, because it's cooler and also because it makes for better movie watching. And it's much easier and more fun to look up at the starry night sky than it is to look into the retina-frying sun. Plus Mars has two moons, Phobos and Deimos. That would be like having two giant nite-lites in the sky.

Lastly Mars is named after the Roman god of war (who in turn is just a rip off of the Greek god of war, Ares). I'm not particularly fond of war, but I do enjoy weapons of all sorts. It's like it was meant to be!

There are drawbacks to living on Mars though. Enormous dust storms. The largest dust storms in the solar system. That makes it pretty hard to play basketball outdoors. Limited water supply, possibly hidden in the polar ice caps. So no swimming pools. A nigh unbreathable atmosphere. Zero food options. But if a Mos Burger or a Pioneer Chicken were to open on Mars, then that would pretty much seal the deal for me.

Celebrity Sightings - More Luke Perry

Guess who has a blog and got to see Luke Perry topless? That's right, this guy.

While doing some errands at my Gma's house I saw Luke Perry trimming the hedges above his fence. Topless. Sweat glistening off his well-toned upper torso. So eat your hearts out, you time-traveling teenage girls from the early 90's, I know you wish you were me, and vice versa (a time machine would be so totally rad!).

Still not the best Luke Perry story I have, though. Psst, check out the earlier Luke Perry run-in. Beware, swearing was involved. And possibly nudity?

One More Reason Why China Is Awesome

I can name any number of reasons why China is awesome. Nearly 90% of the crap I own is made there. Xiaolongbao (Shanghai dumplings) comes from there. In fact, all Chinese food originated from there. Go figure. But here's one more reason, one more, why China is awesome:

My friend Mrs. Winterbottom got this for me when he visited China. (Or was it Hong Kong? He also got me a menu from a Hong Kong Mos Burger. I guess it was Hong Kong then. Or China and Hong Kong. I guess it's all China now.) This is great in so many ways. First it's Transformers, excuse me, Transmutation Formers Super Fireblast to be accurate. I keep mistaking it for Transformers since the catch phrase is very similar to Transformers' "More than meets the eye"—"More new items available." I love off-brand, repackaged Chinese toys, like this Beyond Experience Super Hero Animation pack I saw at Giant Giant Dollar.

But back to Transmutation Formers Super Fireblast (try saying that five times fast). On the front is a picture of Autobot leader Optimus Prime from Michael Bay's opus "Transformers." But looking closely at the background reveals...

A Naboo fighter! From "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace." So Transmutation Formers Super Fireblast exists in a universe that not only has Michael Bay's Optimus Prime, but also George Lucas' Naboo fighter. But wait, there's more!

The toy is marked as a "First Grade Product," with an additional note at the bottom that says "Future War, the best welcome gifts for the children."

Now what could this mean? Is this toy from a future Bay-Lucas crossover universe of war where these toys are handed out to visiting children? Or does it mean that future wars are the best welcome gift to give visiting children? If anyone has seen the movie "Future War" with all that flannel and cardboard boxes, then you would know that that can't be true.

Now move onto the very corner of the blist pack backing.

It might be hard to read but it shows things not to do, with cryptic Engrish and even more cryptic pictures. "No in mouth." "No to wind." "No aim peoples." Interpreting these is difficult enough, but interpreting them in the context of this toy is even harder. How do I aim this Transmutation Formers Super Fireblast at peoples? I supposed if I pretended it was some sort of future war gun, then I could conceivably aim at someone, but I hardly think that would be dangerous. And what is "No to wind?" Does it mean "wind like a cord?" How would I wind this around someone's neck, let alone their finger?

Off-brand, repackaged Chinese toys are like the greatest Chinese puzzle box you could ever have. It's like playing that game where you point out all the things that are wrong with the picture. I haven't even gotten to the toy, which would appear to be a reproduction of a Gen 1 Bumblebee and a Bayformer shitty Bumblebee in only two colors. That's super cheap. But I've already gotten my money's worth out of it, and will continue to get my money's worth pondering why it is, how it was, who's it when, and how'd it do. This has to be one of the best gifts I've ever gotten from China, so thanks Mrs. Winterbottom.

Sustainability in Zombieful World

When the zombiepocalypse comes, most people will likely hole up in their homes in favor of self-preservation. In some areas it is likely that people will be able to survive on their own without assistance from the government for weeks, possibly years. But while these people remain locked behind doors and barricades, who will be handling recyclables and waste management? While eradication of the zombie scourge is a top priority, civil undertakings should not be neglected. Most assuredly people will be making do and reusing what they can under the circumstances, but there will be refuse and other wasted materials no doubt filling the streets. Without regular trash collections and ongoing recycling, garbage will pile up higher than a zombie staircase trying to reach the last fat cat stuck on the second balcony at the Met. By continuing waste disposal service in the midst of adversity, humankind supports sustainability on a number of fronts and proves itself as a species worth saving.

Broadly speaking, sustainability is the ability to endure, so it is doubly appropriate with respect to zombies. As zombies are for the most part unique to humans (depending on the source material), they pose a singular threat to peoplekind. Zombies threaten all aspects of human life, from politics to society, economics, etc. Hence it is appropriate that people would take a stand against zombies to preserve the status quo.

But sustainability also relates to ecology and the environment. Creating a sustainable environment also promotes the status quo insofar as slowing down the ravaging effects of industrialization and civilization in general. Sustainable environments can also ensure a healthier future with reduced greenhouse gases and increased flora and fauna populations over time which adds much to diversity in nature. Should the environment be tainted by an overzealous human race ignorant of what is happening, zombies won't be the only thing threatening their existence.

By continuing to be the custodians of the Earth, humans will prove to be worthy caretakers who deserved to have inherited it from the dinosaurs. Furthermore keeping the streets clean would likely reduce the transmission of fatal infections and diseases that would only serve to increase the zombie state. People really have to do their part in maintaining a sustainable environment if they hope to survive. By focusing solely on the zombie dilemma while neglecting other areas of life, humans will paint themselves into a corner where it will be all to easy for the zombies to trap them and consume their delectable brains.