Whhhy? - James Bond Jr.

Cartoons don't have to make sense. That's one the advantages to the medium. But it bothers me when the creators simply insult the intelligence of their audience. Thinking about James Bond Jr. hurts my brain. I know it's been discussed to no end, but I thought I'd give it a try. I'm not even going to bother with the content of the show, and will stick solely to the opening theme. Here are the lyrics:

Bond! James Bond Junior
No one can stop him, but SCUM always trys
Young Bond cuts through each web of spies!
He learned the game from his uncle James
Now he's heir to the name... James Bond!
James Bond Jr.!

Look out he's coming through
He's got a job to do
While he rescues the girl
James Bond Junior chases SCUM...
...Around the world!

Of course the elephant in the room is why James Bond Jr. is named James Bond Jr. when he's James Bond's nephew. (From hereafter I'll refer to Uncle Bond as "007" and Jr. as "Junior" to make things clearer.) This pissed off anyone who's seen the show, including children and babies. Yes, babies. The most commonly held theory on why he's "heir to the name" is that his father, 007's brother, is also named James Bond. This would be stupid of course, unless their father was an ass much like how George Foreman named all his children "George" or variations thereof. But I'd like to propose a few alternate theories. Maybe it's not 007's brother, but sister who married another James Bond. The name can't be that uncommon, especially when out of all spies, James Bond is probably the most famous. My other theory is that when the song says that 007 is Junior's Uncle that means that Junior is not necessarily 007's nephew, but his "nephew." 007 hooks up with a lot of chicks. It's not entirely unfathomable that he could have hooked up with his brother's wife.

The second thing that bothers me about the song is that Junior "learned the game from his Uncle James." If the song is referring to the spy game, then what the hell is 007 doing? He's compromising Britain and the world's security by revealing secrets and practices to a snot-nose kid. But if it's the game of love, then what is "Uncle" 007 doing and what makes Junior qualified to save the world?

Then there's S.C.U.M. (Saboteurs and Criminals United in Mayhem). Good job coming up with an acronym that both describes what you do and why nobody should trust your organization. I know toy execs are in love with acronyms, but don't treat kids like idiots. It's not like actual bad companies like Enron have stupid acronym names like E.V.I.L. (Evil Vicious Incontinent Lawyers). Even kids start to wonder why the bad guys picked such a poor name.

If all this could be gleaned from the opening theme alone, then just consider the number of issues there were in the TV show. I'm not even going to bother covering how everyone in the show is a descendant from someone in the movies, excepting the baddies, most of whom are the actually baddies from the movies even though most of them are dead. I won't even cover how super spy 007 has trouble dispatching each of these guys, yet Junior is able to outwit the lot of them. So I ask why, James Bond Jr.? Whhhy?!