With the job marketing still slowly recovering, it got me thinking about evil organizations. They always need people. Criminal organizations thrive on vast networks of people. Think about it. They even need entry-level thugs, and thugs seldom have the schooling or credentials to get hired elsewhere. It's not like a thug can drag three bloody people with him to HR and say, "here are my credentials." I guess the hiring must be all recommendation-based for those places. But I know of one secret terrorist international organization that is constantly hiring, with a number of positions for people of all backgrounds. They offer full benefits, a 401(k), gym memberships, weapons training, company housing, and have their own city and their own personal island headquarters. Yes, I'm talking about Cobra. With a slogan like "a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world," how could you not like them?
Cobra was founded by Cobra Commander in the mid-1970s. Working his way up from a lowly used-car salesman, Cobra Commander originally started his organization as an anti-establishment Ponzi scheme, but through his shear charisma and natural business acumen he was able to build a large following. He chose the town of Springfield (not to be confused with the Simpsons' Springfield) as his business headquarters, revitalizing the economically stagnant community. From there, he grew his paramilitary group and further extended his network to topple small and unstable third-world countries.
With such rapid growth, Cobra Commander thought it fitting to restructure, appointing associates such as Baroness Anastasia DeCobray and Military Armament Research Syndicate (M.A.R.S.) CEO James M. Cullen Destro XXIV to key positions within Cobra High Command.
When Springfield was destroyed, Cobra relocated to Broca Beach. Cobra also maintains headquarters in New York (Cobra Consulate), Eastern Europe (Cobra Citadel), and on Cobra Island (defunct as of 2004).
Cobra has expanded operations into a number of fields, listing companies such as Naja Trading Corp, Carbo Plumbing, Robca Realty, Broca Bros. Carnival, Orbac, Extensive Enterprises, and Arbco (AKA ARBco Regional), which manages Arbco Furniture Company, Arbco Moving & Storage, and Arbco Bros. Circus. With a network spanning the globe, Cobra seems poised to take over the world.
Sounds like a pretty awesome place to work. And aside from the jobs running all of their corporate fronts and legitimate business ventures, they need people from all walks of life. Did you know that Cobra has constant job openings for their Viper Corps? Think you don't qualify? Majored in electronic communications? Tele-Viper. Like snowboarding? Snow Serpent. Garbage man? Toxo-Viper. Deep-sea diving? Cobra Eel. They even hire MBAs for their Crimson Guard program. They can find a position for you no matter what you do or what you're into. Don't believe me? Here are some success stories:
Dr. Mindbender was originally an orthodontist with an interest in genetics, cloning, and cybernetics. Cobra was able to find a perfect position for him, and some of his career highlights include designing the Cobra B.A.T.s and cloning Serpentor, who at one point led a hostile takeover of Cobra. He eventually departed Cobra due to forced early retirement in 1990. He was later cloned using his own processes before being again forced into early retirement.
The entrepreneurial Croc Master was a burglar alarm salesman and retired alligator wrestler who founded Guard Gators, Inc., a company pioneering the use of alligators for home security. Cobra hired him and he was responsible for renovating the security of Cobra Island. The massive undertaking required the construction of numerous canals and the training of hundreds of crocodiles which Croc Master successfully carried out. Retired in 1990.
Crystal Ball was a struggling hypnotist, until he applied to Cobra and found himself in their employ. Using his unique set of skills, he was eventually promoted to lead interrogator. Unfortunately he passed away in an earthquake in the Himalayas, but his innovations were carried on by his replacement, appropriately named Interrogator.
Raptor was a tax consultant whose hobby was falconry. A chance encounter with Destro led to Cobra taking Raptor's hobby and turning it into a career of breeding bigger and stronger birds. He was forced to retire along with Dr. Mindbender for several corporate infractions.
Zartan is perhaps the greatest Cobra success story. He was a military veteran and aspiring actor who found himself going nowhere. Cobra Commander contacted him for a freelance job the success of which led to further work from Cobra. He eventually assumed the leadership role for a biker gang, the Dreadnoks, which he subsequently relocated from Australia to Florida. Cobra contracted much of their work to the Dreadnoks, managed by Zartan and his siblings, Zarana and Zander. Much of Cobra's success has been as a result of the partnership formed early on between Cobra Commander and Zartan. When Cobra Commander was ousted by Serpentor as head of Cobra, it was Zartan that negotiated Serpentor out of the position paving the way for Cobra Commander's return.
I won't lie and say there aren't a few drawbacks to working with Cobra. The work can be intense, with the likelihood of permanent early retirement quite high, but it can also be rewarding. So if you are in need of a job, look no further than Cobra. With numerous openings, excellent perks, and great opportunities for job growth, Cobra should be high on your list of employers. After all, the world isn't going to rule itself.