Deer Are Overrated

Everybody thinks deer are cute, but I don't buy it. Deer are like the squirrels of the ungulate world--considered more attractive than their brethren but really quite stupid and rude once you get to know them.

Most people are exposed to deer at an early age. Nature shows often focus on them and portray them sympathetically as prey animals. The most famous deer is probably Bambi, of the eponymous story and movie, Bambi. The movie does a good job of glorifying deer as noble creatures, building up a lot of sympathy for the main character. But in reality Bambi is probably no smarter than his bunny friend, Thumper. Bambi wouldn't have stood a chance against that hunter if, A: the movie was real life, and B: the hunter wasn't an idiot.

My personal experience with deer hasn't only been limited to television and film. I've been to petting zoos, but more importantly, I came face to face with dozens of free-roaming deer on Miyajima Island. There, the deer are allowed to wander about while begging tourists for constant food handouts. The whole practice is reprehensible, as the deer are overly pushy and insatiable eaters. They butt up against you constantly and hound you relentlessly even after you've run out of treats.

And when they aren't begging, they're pooping like damn slot machines. Imagine bunny poop pellets, but way, way more. It just comes pouring out like you hit the jackpot. So there's small balls of poop all over the place, while they crowd around you like Hare Krishnas at the airport back in the day.

So for everybody who thinks deer are so great, try spending a little time with them. You'll soon regret it and realize they're nothing but prettier goats. Plus they smell like shit all the time.