Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Obama's State of the Zombie Union Address

It has been a little over a week since President Obama delivered his State of the Union Address, and while he highlighted many of the questions that concern our nation, there is one that he neglected to address: his stance on classic zombies versus fast zombies and what our nation is prepared to do in the face of an impending zombie epidemic. When Obama was campaigning for the U.S. presidency there were greater issues at hand, thus the zombie question was put on the back burner. But Obama has had time enough to make his feelings clear concerning robotics and the need to keep a diligent eye on developments. Furthermore with our economy stabilizing and plans in place to bring troops back from Afghanistan and Iraq, I believe it is time for Obama to fully address the situation, as America is poised to be one of the nations most vulnerable to a zombie epidemic. But since he seems to be busy, I will help by breaking down the issues so that it might provide some clearer guidance with regards to what we should do in a zombie epidemic.

By first identifying the traits of fast zombies versus classic zombies, Obama and other policy makers can formulate a plan to prevent against any outbreaks. I find it a point of contention that anyone would even consider the possibility of fast zombies, but we should leave nothing to chance since a zombie epidemic is nothing to take lightly.

Classic Zombies
Classic zombies are those found in the films of George Romero, such as the original "Night of the Living Dead" and original "Dawn of the Dead." Although they were referred to as ghouls and not zombies in "Night of the Living Dead," for all intents and purposes we will consider them zombies. They consist of the recently deceased (as zombies require a head, decapitated persons cannot turn into zombies) and move at a slow rate owing largely to their decaying muscle mass. They are singularly minded, having a relentless, driving desire to feed on human flesh. They are susceptible to multiple gunshots, single gunshots to the head, extreme blunt force trauma, fire, acid, and anything else that would normally break down human flesh. It is unknown what causes the dead to rise.

Fast Zombies
Fast zombies, or modern zombies, can be found in movies like the "Dawn of the Dead" remake by Zack Snyder and "28 Days Later," and video games like Resident Evil 5 and Left 4 Dead. While some of these media do not technically contain zombies, for all intents and purposes we will treat them as zombies. In some cases being bitten, i.e. infected, causes death which then leads to zombification. In other cases, zombification can be caused by viruses inflicted on still-living people. These zombies are highly ambulatory and sometimes are even faster and stronger than they were before becoming zombies. They are pretty much susceptible to the same modes of death as classic zombies.

Depending on which type of zombie is deemed a more likely and impending threat, there are considerable security situations of which to take account. In either case, zombies will multiply rapidly, so it is necessary to take action as soon as any zombie outbreak is identified.

For classic zombies, hospitals will need to take care to make sure that anyone near death is secured in their hospital beds. Morgues and mortuaries will also need to make sure their premises are locked down from the outside. Classic zombies are not intelligent, but a mass of undead could force a weak door open. The military will have to mobilize to maintain order and clean up the mess, as vigilantism will only further exacerbate the situation. A thorough, methodical approach toward containment should stem any outbreak, if caught early on. As all classic zombies are dead, there is no need to capture them alive, and their bodies should be incinerated to prevent the spread of general diseases.

It is much more difficult in the case of fast zombies. An epidemic under these circumstances would spread so quickly that whole urban centers would likely approach a near 100% infection rate within days because of the population density. Therefore it is a necessity that the military be mobilized as quickly as humanly possible to neutralize the zombies. If still in the early stages, the center of the zombie outbreak would have to be quarantined with mass roadblocks being a prudent decision. With their mobility, fast zombies pose the greatest problem in terms of containment, and it is possible that nuclear strikes and carpet bombing might be the only way to exterminate the zombies and prevent them from spreading. Zombification due to viral infection could be reversible, but it is in this writers humble opinion that we let these zombies burn. It is far too risky preserving live, infected undead.

These plans are but suggestions to the Obama administration. There are probably other issues that I haven't addressed that should also be accounted for in a zombie infection. However it should be stressed that no precaution too small should be overlooked when it comes to zombies. Zombies are a serious threat, and if given an opportunity, will spread like a wildfire across the landscape of America if not properly handled with the utmost care. For if so goes the United State, Mexico, Canada, and the rest of the world would truly find themselves screwed.

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