Shitty Movie Review - "Ninja Annihilation War"

"He was a ninja. It was his destiny to die a ninja. So is yours."
-unnamed evil ninja

There comes a time in everyone's life where they receive their calling. I know that mine is to spread the word—the word about shitty movies. Well, I just received an even more specific calling tonight—to spread the word about "Ninja Annihilation War." Now I should preface this by saying that I have spent the past two nights and all day today watching some of the weirdest, most obscure films and found footage at the Everything Is Festival hosted by Cinefamily at the Silent Theatre. I have watched hours of Chinese wizard battles, CG hentai porn, and even a screening of "The Pelican Brief" with a new, alternative experimental soundtrack performed live. But nothing, nothing could have prepared me for "Ninja Annihilation War." The video excerpt looked promising, but I started to panic when the presenter hyped it up. He explained the background of this particular VHS cassette, that it was found at a flea market labeled only as "NAW." That it was made in the 1980s when the ninja boom was at its craziest. That it was produced and directed by the Fung (pronounced "fang") brothers using whatever Caucasian actors were available in China so as to push the films international appeal. He even described the actors as, if your mom had divorced and was dating a man who did cardboard recycling—and it was his friends that were in the movie. All of this sounded too good to be true.

I won't go over the plot, because I can't—there really isn't one. I could try and fudge my way through it, but then I would only have to ask myself again, was that really the case? Was that really what happened? So instead I present you with snapshots of the movie instead, which do absolutely no justice to this amazing, amazing masterpiece. Over the course of the movie, you'll get to meet several incredible characters—then promptly forget about them. If you thought Michael Bay had cornered the market on continuity errors or plot holes, then ninjacide yourself. He is merely a rank amateur compared to the Fung brothers. After all, the main character (if you could indeed call him that) has trouble deciding when he has mustache, and when he doesn't.

There were a lot of things I did not know about ninja before watching this movie, and even more things that I thought were true about ninja I learned were not true. Like that they are all Asian—all the best ninja are white. And that the Soviet Union often used ninja as messengers. And that ninja aren't real—they're actually myths. Did you also know that it's a ninja legend that when a sword comes on top of another sword and it's covered with a red sheet, that it is a ninja challenge to duel that cannot not be accepted. I didn't know that, but thanks to "Ninja Annihilation War," now I do.

There are a lot of ninja in this movie. You don't title a movie "Ninja Annihilation War" without showing a few ninja, and show ninja they did. All different ninja colors. The ninja-black garbed ninja are only the lowliest of ninja, as the top tier ninja sport different ninja-colored ninja uniforms, like ninja-gold, ninja-blue, ninja-red, ninja-white, or my ninja-favorite, ninja-tigerstripe. And just so that the audience can be certain of who is a ninja, they wear brightly colored ninja headbands that say "Ninja" on them, often with a little ninja silhouette breaking up the word into "Nin" and "ja." Plus many of them sport manly Selleckesque ninja mustaches. And that whole ninja-covering-up-the-face thing? Real ninja only do that when they ninja fight. Otherwise it's ninja time to let that ninja mustache ninja breathe.

There's one really special part, too, and you will not miss it, nor will you ever forget it. A Chinese man comes home to find his wife in the shower. She entices him to scrub her back, so without even taking off his suit he jumps into the shower and starts kissing and rubbing on her. Never once does he actually scrub her back. They take it directly from the shower to the bed where miraculously they're completely dry. Then you see his balls. Twice. The scene ends with the two, completely nude, positioning into a 69. Only one other time have I seen this sex act performed in a mainstream movie, and that was "A History of Violence." The one in "Ninja Annihilation War" wins.

Much like it's history, in many ways the movie is a series of mysteries. Where are they? Could be Japan, could be Hong Kong, I lost track. When are they? At last check it was 10 years later, even though everyone was younger. Who was Billy? Who was the guy that killed Billy? Why did the guy in the wheelchair bring both beer (two cans out of a six pack) and wine to the meeting? Why didn't they have the meeting somewhere paved? How come nobody noticed the drugs in the lunchbox covered in aluminum foil? Where did the main character's wife go? Did she ever finish making the drunken crab dish after the crabs attacked her and he threw a ninja dirk at them? Who was the man he was following that was also a ninja? Who were the Jared Leto lookalike and the other cop dude? Who was that ninja who ran up the mountain for five minutes and what did he mean when he got to the top and yelled, "NINJAAAAA!!!" Did the German gymnast ever hook up with a ninja mentor? Where did Rick go with his bald head and pink sleeveless turtleneck? How did that drug dealer fit all of those joints into his mouth without damaging the goods? Who were the man and woman who got their own car chases in the movie? What happened to that woman after she beat up all those guys then collapsed on the ground? Why was that sex scene in the movie? And where can I get a copy of this movie?

The answer to that last question is the only one I can answer definitively, and sadly that answer is nowhere. As far as anyone knows, only one copy of the film exists, and it lies in the protective hands of the Alamo Drafthouse. These guardians protect the sacred NAW VHS, transporting it to various film events for special viewings. In many ways, they are like the Knights Templar, protectors of a holy artifact. But at the same time, they are also like missionaries, purveyors of that holy artifact. And I am but a lowly disciple, spreading the word. But please, heed my word. For if you should ever come across the opportunity to watch this movie, do so without any hesitation or doubt. I cannot stress this enough. Knowing what I now know, I will forever be chasing this film. If it weren't for the fact that Mrs. Winterbottom was also there and had seen it with me, I would think that what I saw was but a myth. And it is indeed a myth, but a myth that is as true and real as you or me.

My shitty movie rating: 10 turds out of 10NAW. The NAW scale is a specialized scale. After viewing "Ninja Annihilation War" I realized that my scale was completely off. Since how could "Ninja Annihilation War" be a 10 if "Anaconda" was also a 10? Now "The Wicker Man" should be and is a 10. But it is also not a 10 as "Ninja Annihilation War" is a 10. Thus the NAW modifies the current scale and adjusts it. A normalized 10 would only be like an 8NAW on the NAW scale. A 10NAW would be something like a 20 on the normalized scale.

Shitty Movie Review - "Deadly Prey"

A few months ago, Everything Is Terrible! released a trash compactor (2 minutes of the best scenes) of the 1987 film "Deadly Prey," and it generated a buttload of interest from denizens of the interweb. Imagine if you made a copy of a copy of a copy of Rambo, but each time you kept injecting a healthy dose of steroids (I guess that's kind of what Rambo IV was like) and that is "Deadly Prey," only better! So after months of procrastinating, my friends and I decided to plunge into the world of mercenaries and manhunters running through the jungles of Southern California (Riverside to be more precise).

Now here's the good news—and there's only good news. As good as the trash compactor is, like all great shitty movies, "Deadly Prey" is so much greater than the parts of its sum. The plot basically covers a group of mercenaries that train in the jungle 75 miles southeast of Los Angeles by hunting people that they kidnap right off the streets. Because if you really want to know how best to prepare against trained fighters, it's best to first practice against couch potatoes and stay-at-home dads. Well, they get more than they bargained for when they drag in legendary Marine and Vietnam War veteran Mike Danton (Ted Prior, brother to director David A. Prior), the best soldier ever produced by the mercenary's head, Colonel John Hogan (David Campbell).

Over the course of days, Danton outwits, outruns, and outguns Hogan's men, all while clad in only only his tight-fitting cutoff denim shorts. It becomes a game of cat and mouse between the former teacher and student. At Hogan's side are the sadistic Lieutenant Thornton and bosomy Sybil. Not to be outdone, Danton has his buddy-turned-mercenary Jack Cooper (William Zipp) watching his back, while his father-in-law (Cameron Mitchell) is also on the search for him. What ensues are 88 minutes of the manliest jungle fighting known to, well, anybody. Rambo may have ripped out a guys throat and disintegrated people with machine guns, but I don't think he ever used a machete to cut off a guys arm and beat him to death with it.

As far as problems go, this film really has none that I can highlight here. Sure, it has the typical over-acting/bad acting, but it's all so good! The movie is all that it says it is or claims to be and then some. Watch the trash compactor but know that what you are watching is only the tip of the iceberg. This is a fine masterwork from the vault of shitty movies.

As an added bonus, the creators of "Deadly Prey" are hoping to make a sequel and need your help. They hope to raise $150,000 to start production on "Deadliest Prey," the direct sequel to "Deadly Prey." To pledge funding (and possibly star in the movie), visit their Kickstarter page.

My shitty movie rating: 10 turds out of 10. A forgotten classic.

Rigatoni with Shrimp and Mushroom in Vodka Tomato Cream Sauce

On of my coworkers had a pasta dish today that looked kind of like something that Bertolli would make. It looked good, but why settle for frozen pasta when I could cook something just as good? So I trekked over to the market to pick up some supplies. It's funny, I've never ordered a vodka tomato cream sauce pasta anywhere, nor have I had a pre-fab vodka tomato cream sauce, but I think I know how to make one.

The sauce came out thinner than I would have liked for the visual presentation, but it was still pretty delicious. It was milder and sweeter (as opposed to more savory) than a normal marinara. And best thing is I have two more meals worth to cover tomorrow's lunch and possibly Friday's. Yay!

Osso Buco

For Mothers' Day I made osso buco. I think I've only made this dish four other times in my life, but it's always good. It looks like a fancy restaurant meal, but it's not particularly difficult to make, although it is pricy and labor intensive.

For the sides I made risotto alla milanese and glazed carrots. The other four times I made this dish, these were probably the accompanying sides as they compliment the osso buco well.

I guess the dish is pretty impressive though, since most people don't eat veal shanks all the time.

Spaghetti Carbonara

I only make spaghetti carbonara about twice a year on account of it has all the things that contribute to heart failure and a shorter life (bacon, bacon drippings, heavy cream, cheese, egg yolks). I usually end up using bacon rather than pancetta because we always have bacon regularly available. I also prefer to add onions so that there is a little more texture.

Overall this is one of the lighter iterations of carbonara I've made. Normally it's very heavy, but this dish was deceptively lighter. It will still probably knock a year or two off my life, but those are the diaper years and I really don't need to be around for those.

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Blackened Catfish and Quinoa Pilaf with Pine Nuts

I wanted to eat either lamb chops or fish, and seeing how lamb is pricier than fish, I went with catfish. I usually fry catfish, but I wanted to go slightly healthier so instead I went with a Guy Fieri recipe for blackened catfish. To be honest, his was one of the first recipes that came up and I didn't feel like looking further. It was easy enough though with a blend of spices that I already had on hand.

Quinoa is super healthy for you, so I found another simple recipe that could accompany the fish. It wasn't unlike some of the rice pilafs I'd made in the past.

The fish wasn't bad, but it was too spicy. The heat didn't obliterate the taste, but it did make it difficult to find. Next time, I'd cut the cayenne down by half.

Surprisingly though, the whole meal came into its own when I took it for lunch two days later. The flavor in the catfish bloomed with the heat quotient dropping, and the pine nuts had found a way to better blend with the quinoa. It was actually a lot better two days after the fact.

Megasandwich

I didn't have a name for this, so I just used Megasandwich. I'll probably use that name a dozen more times in my lifetime to describe other sandwiches.

Following last week's Italian cold cut extravaganza, I thought I'd come up with something special based on my research. Behold, an Italian cold cut sandwich forged with the help of the Greek gods and Pavilions.

A quarter pound of provolone and nearly a half pound each of capicolla, sopressata, and mortadella on French bread. But lo, greater secrets lie hidden within its bowels—Italian stewed tomatoes on the lower bread loaf, olive oil & vinegar and salt & pepper on the upper loaf, golden pepperoncinis between. As a mere mortal, I could only consume a third of this mighty sandwich at any given time.

The stewed tomatoes lent a moisture and sweetness that gave way to the saltiness of the meats before being overcome with the tanginess of the vinegar and spiciness of the pepperoncinis. The flavor profile was like hitting a home run and rounding the bases, if first base was sweet, second base was salty, third base was sour, and home was spicy. Gone was the lettuce and sliced tomato that so often make eating an Italian sandwich an exercise in planning and engineering. Ousted was the less than puny roll or baguette foundation. Instead arise, Megasandwich!

Mathematically, Megasandwich=(capicolla+sopressata+mortadella+provolone)*2+(French bread/2+stewed tomatoes+(olive oil+vinegar)+(salt&pepper)+pepperoncini.

Tere's Mexican Grill

Originally I was going to try the Larchmont Bungalow on Larchmont Blvd, since I had heard from my mother that they serve Poutine (a Canadian treat). However upon checking out their menu, I learned that they serve their Poutine topped with shredded mozzarella. Now I'm not Canadian, but I do know this much about real Poutine—real Poutine is topped with cheese curds so fresh that they should squeak when you bite into them. So discouraged I decided to go elsewhere, although it's quite likely I'll go back to the Larchmont Bungalow some other time, just not for the Poutine.

My backup option was Tere's Mexican Grill on Melrose. I had read on Chowhound that they had really good nachos. I find nachos to be the best value on most Mexican menus since you get a usually get a good portion of meat, dairy, fruits, and vegetables all for a decent price.

I ordered the carne asada nachos which came served on a hot plate, a good indicator that the cheese was allowed to melt under the broiler. Now the various comments about Tere's had noted their fresh, homemade chips, double thick and lightly salted. The chips were indeed robust, and there was no mistaking these for an inferior, store-bought brand. They were topped with jalapenos, sour cream, fresh guacamole, fresh pico de gallo, shredded cheese, and beans. The overall portion was quite sizeable, and I would venture a guess that the whole plate weighed about a pound or so. Of course none of this would matter if the product itself wasn't tasty, which it quite favorably was. There's a strong sense of quality in the construction of these nachos. The chips stood out as did the cheese which was quite liberally layered on top. Overall, these were very good nachos.

I also ordered a pork taco on the side. Now the cashier specified that this was not carnitas, so if that's what you're looking for, you're going to be surprised. However that surprise would still be welcome, since this was the highlight of my meal. The pork comes as large chunks of what appeared to be either lean grilled or roasted pork, smothered in a chile verde (green chile). The chile is mild, but has a nice tanginess that pops in your mouth. I plan on having this again.

I liked that the place had a very casual, laid back atmosphere. There were only about 7 or 8 tables accompanied by a soda cooler, a tower of Mexican Cokes, and a soccer game on the TV. So many of the restaurants along Melrose tend to be fancy and overly pretentious as they seek out a bourgeois clientele looking for the next big thing. At Tere's they're really just trying to put out relatively simple food with just a little more care, and that's the type of place I'd want to eat at.

Some other interesting notes about Tere's Mexican Grill:
-While the nachos are good, I'll have to admit that I'm perfectly fine with Baja Fresh's nachos. They're probably about just as much quantity-wise and slightly cheaper, with just some minor drops in overall quality. But then again, this is coming from a guy who also enjoys Lucy's nachos which are little more than tortilla chips drenched in canned steak and red chili.

Tere's Mexican Grill
5870 Melrose Ave. #101
Los Angeles, CA 90038
(323) 468-9345

Celebrity Sightings - Tim Roth

To celebrate Sister C's birthday, we went to Houston's in Pasadena. While there, who do you think came up and sat in the booth behind us? Why, Mr. Orange himself, Tim Roth. Actually it was my sister who spotted him, and I confirmed after hearing his British accent. I tried to tell Brother G, and the whole time he thought I had said, "Kid Rock." To get a better glimpse, I casually made my way to the bathroom with the video screens in the urinals. He was there with a lady friend.

Afterwards my brother and I admitted that we both wished he had been Gary Oldman instead. That way we would have had a lot more to talk to him about. Things like, "I know who Batman is! It's millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne!" Or, "how can you be a crazy DEA agent and also be the commissioner of Gotham City?" Or "why did you have such weird hair and why were you so mean to Bruce Willis?" Or "who would win in a fight, Harry Potter or Batman?"