Shitty Movie Review - "All About Steve"

I had heard a couple of extremely scathing reviews for "All About Steve" when it first came out, and I made a note at the time that I would have to see it. Several months later Sandra Bullock won the coveted Razzie for her portrayal of Mary Horowitz in the film, and I still had not seen it. A couple of months ago I had started to watch it, but paused ten minutes in because I couldn't pay attention while cooking. Sadly I lost my spot in the movie and wasn't able to watch it then. But today, today I finally had the chance to watch it, and was not disappointed.

First off, I don't feel that Sandra Bullock was truly deserving of her Razzie for this movie. Then again I don't feel she was truly deserving of her Oscar either. She puts on a brave performance as Mary Horowitz, a red-booted, thirty-something-year-old crossword puzzle writer afflicted with Asperger syndrome. Actually, the movie never explicitly states that she has Asperger syndrome, but many of the signs are there: she is physically clumsy, verbally compulsive, and socially maladjusted. And she nails this character, she owns it. Does that make her deserving of a Razzie? I don't think so. But before you start thinking this is a good movie, it's not. After all, I wouldn't be writing about it if it was.

Aside from Miss Bullock, there's a bevy of good and not so good actors in the movie. Bradley Cooper, Thomas Haden Church, and Ken Jeong play major roles in the movie, along with Keith David, D.J. Qualls, and Katy Mixon. Charlene Yi, Lucy Davis ("The Office," BBC version), and Geraldo Rivera even have cameos. It makes one wonder what favors these actors owed Sandra Bullock, who was also a producer on the film. While Thomas Haden Church offers a strong performance as the vapid, image-consumed newsman Hartman Hughes, D.J. Qualls is sadly underused, unable to show the acting range that has made him famous (i.e. crying on command). Bradley Cooper is pretty much there as a plot device, while Ken Jeong plays yet another version of himself.

The paper-thin story is about a very socially awkward woman who finds herself stalking her dream man in hopes of achieving some normalcy, but in the process makes real friends and finds that she doesn't really need her dream man to be normal. But what it's really about is social and mental disorders and how a social group can redefine you. Also, it's a satire on news media and news networks. A weak satire, but a satire nonetheless. The news is made out to be superficial, hype machines that really lack human emotion in comparison to Mary, a person who seemingly lacks human characteristics but it's all right because she has friends.

So here's the real question: what's with all the bronzer in this film? It's like a movie starring Oompa Loompas. Just looking at the poster makes you wonder what black-haired, jaundice-colored Ken Jeong is doing there. And if that isn't enough, why not tone down the exposure of the film. Was the director trying to make a shitty version of "Vidas Secas?" (Yeah, obscure reference, but if you get it you're a real film nerd.) If I had to describe the tone of the film, I would have to say it was orange.

I'd have to admit I'm a little bit torn over "All About Steve." Is it a bad movie? Yes. Is it a horrible movie? Yes. Is it a good movie? Hell no. Is it the worst movie of the year? No. Would I watch it again? Yes. It's definitely a shitty movie, yet it still doesn't feel nearly as bad as all the critics made it out to be. In some ways it feels more honest than "The Blind Side," or more entertaining than "The Proposal." Either way I can solidly recommend this movie, and suggest that you watch it along with those other two acclaimed 2009 Sandra Bullock movies and make your own judgments.

My shitty movie rating: 8 out of 10. Not Razzie bad, but good bad.

"Citizen Kane" of Genre Top Ten

I was listening to "Film Week on Air Talk" on NPR some years ago when they referred to "Dumbo" as "the "Citizen Kane"e of animated films." This got me thinking: what other "Citizen Kane"s are out there? So here's a list of movies for your consideration.

1. The "Citizen Kane" of Stupid Movies: "Dumb and Dumber"
2. The "Citizen Kane" of Action Movies: "Die Hard"
3. The "Citizen Kane" of Spoof Movies: "Airplane!"
4. The "Citizen Kane" of Mockumentary Movies: "This Is Spinal Tap"
5. The "Citizen Kane" of Platonic Football Love Movies: "Brian Song"
6. The "Citizen Kane" of Monster Movies (Natural): "Jaws"
7. The "Citizen Kane" of Monster Movies (Giant): "Godzilla"
8. The "Citizen Kane" of Monster Movies (Horror): "Frankenstein"
9. The "Citizen Kane" of Biopics (Fiction): "Citizen Kane"
10. The "Citizen Kane" of Biopics (Non-Fiction): "Lawrence of Arabia"

Shitty Movie Review - "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale"

I really am going about this all wrong. Usually when I review a shitty movie, I watch it just prior to writing so that I have a fresh take on it, but in this case I plan on reviewing "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale" all from memory. This is also only the second Uwe Boll movie I've seen, so I'm not judging it against his other classic works such as "House of the Dead" or "Bloodrayne" which I also hope to get around to viewing.

As with all Uwe Boll movies, this one has a star-studded cast: Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds, Ron Perlman, Claire Forlani, Kristanna Loken, Leelee Sobieski, Matthew Lillard, Claire Forlani, and Gimli. How Boll gets so many name actors in his movies I will never know, unless he's actually Satan and or his casting director has shit on all these people. In any case it's an incredibly eclectic cast that further enhances an experience that only Boll can construct.

As for the story, I won't really waste much of your time there. Something about Jason Statham as a farmer referred to as "Farmer," Ray Liotta as a wizard from New Jersey, and Burt Reynolds as a disinterested king and one of the few actors who visibly looks like he wishes he was anywhere but in this movie. Jason Statham's family is slaughtered by the Krug, a shittier version of Orcs, which if I'm not mistaken came from mud. (Ed. note: I might be mixing up the Orcs origin from "Lord of the Rings," but either way the Krug were more ridiculous.) Yes, they're mud orcs, and Ray Liotta controls them. They even kill Farmer's son, a heinous act, but one which the audience overlooks because they're trying to figure out why witness protection has placed Henry Hill in a castle as a wizard controlling Krug via Krug-vision. If he's such a powerful wizard, why is he remote-controlling the Krug to kill defenseless kids and grandparents with one foot in the grave? When the Krug kidnap Farmer's wife, a visibly aged Claire Forlani, Farmer sets out along with fellow neighbor, Ron Perlman, on a quest to recover his wife and to seek vengeance.

When the movie isn't caught up in the requisite sword fighting, wizardy, and magical-boomerang throwing (Statham, the Transporter, thug, and all-around tough guy fights with a boomerang that always comes back, because that's what farmers do), it's filled with sweeping aerial shots of the British Columbia coastline. I watched the extended director's cut which featured a whopping additional 45 minutes, about half of which was aerial shots. We get it, it's a fantasy movie. If you were only the slightest bit annoyed by the aerial shots in the "Lord of the Rings" series, prepare to be driven mad by the director that is Uwe Boll. I know those shots are expensive, but it doesn't mean you have to use all the shots you take. Twice.

Despite these distractions, there are two things worth seeing in this movie. the first is Ray Liotta versus Jason Statham in a Matrix-style showdown. Ray Liotta throws fireballs and flies through the air on wires. Nuff said there. But the real reason to see this movie is Matthew Lillard's scene-stealing performance as the conniving Duke Fallow, nephew to the king. I can only remember one of his lines (a haughtily exuded "huzzah, huzzah!") but his performance will haunt you. He goes so over the top, he comes up from the bottom again in a case where the actor clearly knows the movies is shite, and performs it that way seeing if the director will stop him. And God bless Uwe Boll, because he just lets him go. In fact, that pretty much seems the case with everybody in the movie. Do whatever you want. Hey you, Ray, I loved you in "Goodfellas," be more like that. Lillard gives the roll of a lifetime, chewing on the dialog before letting it dribble floridly from his lips. When he's not on the screen and especially whenever there's aerial shots or Krug-vision, you hope he'll be back soon. If only he performed all his parts this way.

While the director's cut might not warrant a viewing, definitely check out the theatrical cut. It's a head-scratching experience but enjoyable in the way shitty movies are. Believe me, without Freddie Prinze, Jr. to rain on his parade, Matthew Lillard is aces all the way.

My shitty movie rating: 8.5 out of 10. Matthew Lillard is astounding!

Turkey Tetrazzini

After several Sundays of lackluster dinners (makizushi, country ribs again), I had something new to try. I got a recipe for turkey tetrazzini from "The Splendid Table," and since we had more than enough leftover turkey, I decided to try it.

Turkey tetrazzini is pretty much a pasta with creamy sauce loaded with turkey. The easiest way to make it is to mix some cream of mushroom soup with turkey and peas, mix this with cooked pasta, and bake for several minutes. The recipe I had called for making the cream sauce from scratch. The result is a dish that is a little more refined (in terms of taste) than what you would get from using cream of mushroom soup. The secret dimension comes from the fresh grated nutmeg.

I wasn't expecting a great deal from this plate, but I was pleasantly surprised. It turned out to be a little more nuanced and a slight bit more appetizing than that with which I'm familiar. Perhaps I can look forward to making this again next year.

Vietnam House

The airsoft store was having a Wednesday/Thursday Black Friday sale, so I decided to check it out after work, and as it just so happened to be mere blocks away from Vietnam House, that was where I ate. However I should preface this review by saying that my favorite Vietnamese restaurant is a little place called Dakao in San Jose. Whenever I'm in San Jose, which used to be four days every year for the past five years, I would eat there one or two times a day. While a large part of that hinged on its proximity to the convention center, they have a variety of dishes and their food is also good. My favorite thing to get there is the shredded pork and baked egg pie on broken rice. So back to Vietnam House, as there aren't an abundance of Vietnamese restaurants in my area, I know of few options for decent Vietnamese that isn't pho. And of those, I don't know of many that have baked egg pie. But Vietnam House does, and they also have some excellent egg rolls, so onto the meal.

Now read reviews anywhere and people will tell you the service is nothing to write home about. I concur, so don't expect a lot of assistance in that area. Just be pleased if you get what you order, and remember to pay your bill at the register (they don't bring the bill to you so remember your table number). Also it's noisy and they have several Billy Bass on the walls that kids love to play with, so be forewarned.

As for the food, I ordered the egg rolls to start as they are very good. They're grease bombs though, so hold off on taking a bite until they've cooled down a bit. I know it's hard, but better to exhibit patience lest ye suffer a burnt tongue and shot taste buds. From what I understand their egg rolls are atypical of Vietnamese egg rolls which are usually more petite. These are deep-fried, meat, veggie, vermicelli- filling morsels that serve as a substantial appetizer. Accompanying them is a plate filled with lettuce, mint, and beefsteak leaves meant to be wrapped around the egg rolls, but no one should hate you for neglecting the veggies. There are also two dipping sauces, but as I only partook of one, I can only say that the one I had was a light, sweet, fish-sauce based dipping sauce with carrot slices that pairs well with the heavier egg rolls.

For the meal I ate, what else—shredded pork and baked egg pie on broken rice. I also got a pork chop with it. Vietnam House formally calls this plate, "Pork Chop, Shredded Pork & Baked Egg w/ Steamed Rice," or number 77. The dish pretty much says what it is—the pork chop is a soy-sauce-marinated fried pork chop and the shredded pork is that slightly sweet and gelatinous shredded pork mixture used in banh mi. The baked egg is like an Asian frittata, slightly sweet with bits of meat and veggies baked inside. Perhaps it's the Japanese in me that enjoys the baked egg pie which is not too dissimilar from Japanese dashimaki tamago, a layered Japanese scrambled egg seasoned with slightly sweet soup stock. This is what I miss when I'm not in San Jose, so I'm glad I have a suitable replacement for it in L.A. I also enjoy the broken rice, which is less glutinous that Japanese rice but still moreso than Chinese Jasmine rice.

There are plenty of other things on the menu that look good, and perhaps I will try their pho or banh mi at some point. But for right now I'm satisfied with their baked egg pie and delicious egg rolls. And should they ever offer snail soup, I might try that again after a not-so-joyful meal at Dakao. At least I can't complain about them being stingy with the snails.

Some other notes about Vietnam House:
- I really hate those Billy Bass fish. Why would you put any more than one of them on the wall? And why do kids think it's so great to get all of them to sing at once?!

Vietnam House
710 W. Las Tunas Dr. #5-7
San Gabriel, CA 91776
(626) 282-3630

Undergarments

The other day I had to buy some undergarments at my neighborhood Target. I needed some briefs to replenish my underwear supply, and selected a set of Hanes lowrise briefs. Lo and behold when I brought them home that I found that they had no windows. Moreover, they were quite sheer. They were manties! I don't know when Hanes started making manties, but boy was I surprised as I never considered myself a manties type. Panties maybe. They are actually quite comfortable. Manties that is. And so a toast to manties!

Red Hot Kitchen

Today was one of my coworkers' birthdays, and on days such as these we all usually order out. My coworker wanted to order from Red Hot Kitchen, an Asian-Mexican fusion restaurant nearby. She recommended the kalbi (Korean barbecued short ribs) chimichanga (Mexican fried burrito).

First off, holy crap! That's a lot of food! Each of those four pieces pictured were absolutely massive. I'm a big guy, and I can eat a lot, but I couldn't finish this chimichanga. I managed to eat three of the sections, and even then I overate. So now we know it's generous, but what did it taste like?

If you've had kalbi (or read my earlier parenthetical), then you know it's barbequed short ribs marinated in a sweet soy-sauce base. Short ribs have a little bit of fatty goodness, and on which Red Hot Kitchen didn't skimp. There was also white rice which was also lightly drenched with the marinade, kimchi, and some sweet refried bean mixture. This was topped with cheese, spicy mayonnaise, and hot sauce. That might seem like a strange combination, but it all worked well together. Think of it like fried mushu pork, which is similarly sweet and also wrapped with veggies inside. While it was sweet, it wasn't dessert-sweet, more like Korean barbecue sweet. And it was also decently spicy, enough so that people who have trouble with spicy foods should probably ask for the spicy mayonnaise and hot sauce on the side. It was strange how well the spicy mayo worked with everything, and how the sweetness didn't clash with the cheese.

If there was one thing I could complain about, the chimichanga was a heart-stopper. I could feel my arteries clogging and my heart working harder to keep me alive. Of course I didn't have to eat that third piece.

If the kalbi chimichanga was any indication, Red Hot Kitchen is definitely worth revisiting as their menu has plenty more offerings, all of which sound enticing. Perhaps next time I'll try their Korean BBQ burger with sweet potato fries, or their Teriyaki Torta.

Red Hot Kitchen
4625 Valley Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90032
(323) 222-6900

Some other notes about Red Hot Kitchen:
- 1 out of 7 on my mess-o-meter. Use a fork.
- 7 out of 10 on my spice-o-meter. It's pretty spicy.
- Not only was the food good, not only was the portion generous, but it's incredibly cheap. The chimichanga will only set you back about $6. You're practically robbing the place!

Celebrity Sightings - Mark Pender

Keeping on the topic of Conan this week, I'll recount the time I met Mark "Loveman" Pender from the Basic Cable Band (formerly the Max Weinberg Seven). Mark Pender is the bald guy with glasses that plays the trumpet, and is often included in bits where he overzealously gets into singing songs.

I met him at New York Comic-Con three years ago shortly after NBC had announced that Conan was taking over the Tonight Show. He was there for the day with his young daughter. He stopped by our booth so both Queen Poo and I mentioned how we were big fans of the show. Even if we hadn't know who he was, he was also wearing a Late Night with Conan O'Brien jacket for staff only. We chatted with him for a bit and asked whether or not he'd be moving to Los Angeles (at the time it wasn't clear whether Conan was going to take the Max Weinberg Seven with him). While he loved New York, he didn't love the harsh winters and said he looked forward to warm Southern California.

He was very friendly and cordial and we had a nice conversation. He mentioned his daughter was a fan of manga, so we gave her a copy of one of our books.

I'm glad he's back with the band on "Conan," as his presence would have been greatly missed. No one can hold a note like he can on the trumpet during the pre-show, except maybe La Bamba.

Taste Chicago

After watching Conan, Jokekilla and I were pretty hungry, so he took me to Taste Chicago, a restaurant specializing in Chicago-style cuisine. They serve deep dish pizza, Italian beef sandwiches, Chicago dogs, pasta, and ribs. It's a cozy place with perhaps a couple dozen tables and some flat screen TVs so that you can watch whatever game is playing.

The menu was a little bit intimidating because of the numerous options, all of which sounded delicious. Not being able to decide between an Italian beef or sausage sandwich, I luckily didn't have to and got the beef & sausage combo. It was huge! It came with a sizable sausage topped with even more thinly sliced roast beef, topped with sweet peppers and au jus. I was tempted to pick it up and eat it, but it was safer using a fork and knife. It really hit the spot and was delicious to boot. My only complaint was that I didn't have a big enough mouth to get a bit of the bread, beef, sausage, and the pepper in each bite.

On the side I got smothered wedges, potato wedges covered in buttery garlic sauce. It was pretty killer, with a generous amount of butter and garlic. There was more than enough leftover to serve as a dip for other things.

After a night of laughs, a hearty meal was enough to knock me out. Next time I'm obligated to try the deep dish pizza, since the actual Chicago is a little out of the way.

Some other interesting notes about Taste Chicago:
- 7 out of 7 on my mess-o-meter if you try to pick up the sandwich and eat it, otherwise it's a 1 out of 7 with a fork and knife. For some reason I still needed a napkin.
- The restaurant is owned by actor Joe Mantegna's wife.

Taste Chicago
603 N. Hollywood Way
Burbank, CA 91505
(818) 563-2800

Welcome Back Coco!

Nearly a year ago to the day, I found myself standing in line to see a tall, gangly redhead make a fool of himself, and boy was I excited. Conan is back on television where he belongs, and because my friend the Jokekilla was able to procure tickets, I was lucky enough to be there for his second show on TBS. I was so excited to see his new show that I watched the first episode, "Baa Baa Blackmail," on the east coast feed (which airs three hours earlier than the west coast feed), plus I also DVR'd it. I wasn't expecting the show to be totally different from his last show, or even the show he had before that, and I was glad to see a lot of familiar faces in front of and behind the cameras.

Conan O'Brien had been on television pretty much uninterrupted for seventeen straight years, which constitutes the majority of my life, so to have him gone from the airwaves for the past few months seemed quite strange. But now he's back, albeit off network television, and I can rest easier at night knowing that he's out there on the TV entertaining all those insomniacs and stoners.

As for the show I saw in person, the guests were Tom Hanks, Jack McBrayer, and musical guest Soundgarden. Tom Hanks has always been a good friend of the show, and I fondly remember Conan sharing screentime with him in one of the few "SNL" sketches where he appeared on camera, the classic "Five-Timers Club." Jack McBrayer was also very timely as I had just finished watching the first four seasons of "30 Rock" on Netflix. We even got a bonus performance by Soundgarden which will appear on Team Coco's website. Unfortunately that resulted in us missing the "End of the Show Song" which Conan usually sings at the end just after television feed cuts out. Oh well. We did get to see him cut a promo in which he berated writers off camera for incorrectly using "historical" instead of "historic," which was pretty funny.

So after what seemed like a long wait, Conan has triumphantly returned to television where hopefully he will remain for many years to come. All is right with the world.

Some other interesting notes about "Conan":
-The set moves back and forth to allow more room for the monologue.
-The moon really does move a lot, and it's mesmerizing. Although I don't understand why it moves.
-Andy still looks huge in person, while Conan has slimmed down quite a bit.
-The set looks really good, although I'm not crazy about the Basic Cable Band's podiums.