I usually get most of my ideas when I'm supposed to be falling asleep. But I have this problem—I like to go to sleep late and sleep long hours. This causes a number of issues with my sleep pattern, and prevents me from falling asleep in a timely manner. Thus I am allowed an inordinate amount of time in which to do nothing but come up with strange ideas. It might also affect the quality of some of my ideas, this being one of them.
I like to watch movies, but sometimes I only have an hour or so to spare, in which case I’ll watch an episode of Man vs. Food, Castle, or Ghost Adventures. But sometimes I don’t have enough time for that. So I’ve come up with seven short one acts that detail most of the important plot points and cut straight through the predominantly interesting bullshit to get to the less-than-filling meaty core.
UPPER CLASS DINING HELL
EXT. LARGE DINING ROOM - EVENING
The lights, after having momentarily been shut off, have turned back on revealing a dining room filled with astonished guests, including the MAID, the BUTLER, the DETECTIVE, and one dead guest still in his dinner chair.
The Maid points to the Butler.
The butler did it!
Hold him. Excellent work, maid. Good thing I was spontaneously invited to dinner tonight.
THE ASTROLOGICAL MURDERER
EXT. APARTMENT STREET - LATE AFTERNOON
A DETECTIVE and POLICE OFFICER stand over a murder victim obscured from view by a white sheet. PSYCHO KILLER hides in the bushes.
This is one hell of a gruesome murder. I don’t know how we’re going to solve this.
Psycho Killer jumps out from the bushes.
I did it!
Police Officer grabs Psycho Killer, who struggles very little.
And do you want to know why I did it?
Save it for the judge.
Fine. Suit yourself.
SIT DOWN AND RECEIVE
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM – DAY
A TEACHER stands in front of a STUDENT seated at his desk.
Don’t you see you’re throwing your life away? You can be anything you want to be as long as you put your mind to it. I’m just here to inspire you. Do you hear me? Inspire you!
When you put it that way, I feel pretty inspired.
Really? Good work, you get an A+ for the year.
Teacher and Student high five.
BLACK NINJA VS. WHITE NINJA 1
INT. EMPTY WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
An unarmed BLACK NINJA and an unarmed WHITE NINJA stand face to face in a large empty warehouse.
I am the master! You cannot defeat me!
Yes, I can!
White Ninja jump kicks Black Ninja, who fails to dodge. Black Ninja goes down.
Shit! You were right… Argh!
Black Ninja dies.
LAWYERS DO LUNCH
INT. CROWDED RESTAURANT – DAY
YUPPIE LAWYER #1 and YUPPIE LAWYER #2 are having lunch in a posh restaurant. Yuppie Lawyer #1 finishes chewing a bite of his sandwich.
YUPPIE LAWYER #1
I’ve lost all respect for myself.
YUPPIE LAWYER #2
Cheer up. At least we don’t have any debilitating diseases.
YUPPIE LAWYER #1
You’re right! Gee, my respect is back. Thank you, Yuppie Lawyer #2.
Both continue eating their lunches.
SCI-FI BATTLE EPIC: REVENGE OF THE EMPIRE'S LAST HOPE
INT. IMPERIAL BASE CORRIDOR – NIGHT?
REBEL SPACE PIRATE and his REBEL SIDEKICK run through the empty halls of the Imperial High Command Space Station.
REBEL SPACE PIRATE
Wait a minute. Doesn’t this situation with the Imperial High Command kind of remind you of the decline of the Roman Empire?
Now that you think of it, you’re right. It’s like we’re living an allegory.
REBEL SPACE PIRATE
My naïve cohort. It’s only an allegory if it’s a figurative treatment as opposed to the real event in our case. We’re reliving history, and we all know how that turned out.
Both stop running and laugh.
INVASION OF THE THINGS THAT AREN'T HUMANS BUT STAND FOR OTHER HUMANS
INT. CELLAR – NIGHT
SURVIVOR #1, SURVIVOR #2, and several other survivors are holed up in a cellar, while the sounds of evil alien zombie monsters lurk above.
I know we’re fighting against evil alien zombie monsters, but I just can’t help but feel that they’re just stand-ins for something else, and that the real monster we’re fighting is the one inside us.
That sounds like traitor talk. You must be one of them. (gestures at other survivors) You, seize him!
The other survivors grab Survivor #1 and haul him away.
Don’t give in to the paranoia…