Celebrity Sightings - DJ Lance

So my niece really enjoys "Yo Gabba Gabba." I find it pretty entertaining as well. The songs are so catchy.

While attending this month's Channel 101 (which you should go to, too), I spotted a hipster black guy. Now, there aren't a lot of black people who attend Channel 101. In fact, my brother and I probably make up the majority of the minority attendance. So every black person who isn't Demorge Brown kind of stands out. Except that this time the black person was DJ Lance (AKA Lance Robertson) from "Yo Gabba Gabba!" I got pretty excited, but as is my habit I didn't bother him. Since he wasn't dressed up as DJ Lance, he looked a little different. He was dressed all in brown, a far cry from his orange get up. But in his back pocket he had an orange fro pick! Just like DJ Lance would have!

I've been going to Channel 101 for some time now. I wonder if I'll see any more celebrities there?

Natto Buta Kimchi Spaghetti

I thought this would be a good idea ... and it was! Natto (fermented soy beans) is not for everybody, mostly because some people think it stinks to high heaven, plus it's slimy. But I like it, and it's super healthy.

I'm pretty sure that natto buta (buta=pork) kimchi is something that you can get at an izakaya. And I've made natto spaghetti carbonara before, so combining pasta with natto buta kimchi didn't seem too far fetched. It's a tasty and relatively healthy pasta dish that you won't find just anywhere, unless you eat at Chez MidnightHunnyRun.

Binagoongan Baboy

Contrary to popular belief, I am not dead.

Okay, I'm not even going to lie and say I know how to pronounce the name of this dish. I know it as pork bagoong (shrimp sauce), which I can pronounce. I know because that's what the guy at the restaurant called it. I am not Filipino, but I eat a lot of Filipino food. Right now I'm on a relatively unhealthy trend of going to either one of two of my favorite Filipino restaurants once a week.

Anyway, one of the places that I go to serves this, and I really, really like it. Not quite as much as lechon kawali, but almost. I was curious about how it's made, so I looked up recipes and it looked easy enough. And it was. Not quite the same as the restaurant's, but good. The key ingredient is the bagoong.

Celebrity Sightings - Kevin Pollack

I was feeling stressed out, so I decided to take in a movie, "21 Jump Street." Imagine my surprise when I saw Kevin Pollack (Todd Hockney in "The Usual Suspects," among many other movie parts) and his young girlfriend (his words, not mine) at the automated ticket kiosk getting tickets. I didn't know what he was watching, and didn't want to bother him while he was on a date. Imagine my surprise again when I take my seat in the theater, and I'm sitting right next to them. Now this is coincidence as the seating at the Century City AMC is assigned, and I did not know what movie they were planning to watch.

Now at this point I only suspected it was him since he looked a little different out of makeup. But when the trailers started to roll and he let out a burst of a laugh, I knew it was him. He really enjoyed the "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" trailer by the way.

Now he was good in "The Usual Suspects," and I enjoyed his cameo in "Wayne's World 2," and his impressions of William Shatner and Christopher Walken are second to none. But the one thing I wanted to comment to him on? That one TV show where he had sex with a robot played by Heather Parkhurst and got his penis stuck inside her. Yeah, so I guess it was good I didn't bother him on his date?

This marks the second celebrity I've seen at the Century City mall. Another time I saw Keanu Reeves. He was tall, but with his stubble and messy hair, he looked just like a regular dude.

My Other Favorite Movies

I list my favorite movies in my profile. However I must confess that that's my snob list, as those are the movies I'm willing to admit to watching. While I truly do love all of those movies and have and will watch them many more times, I admit there are certain movies that I will watch over and over again once I pop them in my DVD player. In some cases, I just let these play on repeat. In no particular order, these are:

"The 40-Year-Old Virgin"
"Beverly Hills Cop"
"Big Trouble in Little China"
"Black Hawk Down"
"Close Encounters of the Third Kind"
"definitely, maybe"
"The Fog"
"Forrest Gump"
"Heat"
"It's a Wonderful Life"
"The Lady Eve"
"The Last Unicorn"
"Macross: Ai Oboete Imasu Ka"
"My Fair Lady"
"The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!"
"Pineapple Express"
"The Rock"
"The Shop Around the Corner"
"Simply Irresistible"
"The Thing"
"This is Spinal Tap"
"Three Kings"
"When Harry Met Sally"
"You've Got Mail"

(I lied. I put them in alphabetical order.)

Shitty Movie Review - "The Killing of Satan"

It's been quite some time since I've seen any shitty movies. Good movies, yes, bad movies, most definitely. Some movies, like "The Dragon Lives Again" which I saw recently, were very entertaining and intentionally so, so I couldn't truly consider those shitty movies. However I have one for you today.

Much thanks goes to Everything is Terrible for continuing to be the curators par excellence for all things terrible, and for bringing "The Killing of Satan" to my attention. Trying to acquire a proper copy took quite some time, but eventually, through the power of Amazon, I was able to get it on DVD no less, so, you know, top notch quality.

Now, unlike some of the other shitty movies I have reviewed, "The Killing of Satan" does have a discernible story and plot. But before you fret that I am getting lax in my coverage of truly shitty movies, let me reveal that this movie was released in 1983 in the Philippines and was originally filmed in Tagalog. I watched the English language dub of course, because if I've learned anything about shitty movies, it's that one way to instantly bump it up to the next level is to re-dub it.

Now here's the short story. A small, deeply religious village is under attack from the Prince of Magic. When their priest and elder is struck down, they contact his nephew Lando San Miguel via, wait for it ... magic; because everyone knows that phone calls, letters, or even leaving your village to actually find a guy are far less reliable means. Somehow their message gets through and Lando shows up, but now must rescue his kidnapped daughter and cousin from the clutches of the Prince of Magic, and, ultimately, his master (Betcha can't guess who, but here's a hint: check out the movie title).

Pretty straight forward, it would seem. Except for all the MAGIC! Strange magic. Once Lando has reunited with the rotting corpse of his dead uncle, he is endowed with strange magical abilities, like elbow-generated force fields, super breath, and punching power that even Manny Pacquiao would envy. But the Prince of Magic is no slouch in his red tights—he commands an army of black-tights-wearing, telekinetic boxers and shape-shifting seductresses. And don't forget he's being backed by an even greater power (dammit, it's Satan okay). This isn't the hideous beast of Dante's Divine Comedy, no. He's more like ... Beck. The singer. Kind of small and wiry, with facial hair and horns and tights and a pitchfork. Eventually he morphs into a slightly better nourished version of himself, but the secret's already out.

Perhaps the best part of the film is the dubbing. For some reason, albeit a great one, the American distributor cast all but Lando's part with English-speaking Filipino actors, so that everyone save for Lando has accents. Lando's voice is sonorous and clear, and while he is the most understandable, he is also the most ridiculously out of place when it comes to speech. Combine that with the tritely rewritten dialogue, and you have a recipe for success.

There are plenty of other gems in the film, and while it does drag in a couple of spots, stick with it since the trippy-ness ramps up towards the end. I guarantee you some snake slapping, a mute boy, gun fights, lots of spinning, cheek ripping, and a cage stuffed with nearly-fully nude girls (they're wearing classy black ribbon chokers).

My shitty movie review: 8.5 turds out of 10. This movie is a headscratcher, since it's not necessarily poorly executed, but it's not well-made either. You get the feeling the creators met their intentions, and yet it comes off badly. Great if you're looking for a shitty movie.

Shitty Movie Review - "Runaway"

One has to wonder where Tom Selleck would be had he gotten to play the role of Indiana Jones in "Raiders of the Lost Ark." He was already a successful TV star with "Magnum, P.I." Did he ever really envision himself as Mr. Baseball? Or Quigley down under? Or Sgt. Jack Ramsay in the Michael Crichton's "Runaway?" No, surely he could not have foreseen himself as Sgt. Jack Ramsay, fighting copy machines, spider-bots, and a make-up-less Gene Simmons. But then again life has strange plans for us all.

"Runaway" is not a typical shitty movie—no, it is a thinking man's shitty movie. You don't have the usual abundance of poor direction, bad writing, or terrible acting—well, maybe the bad acting. But what you do have is an abundance of robots, and we can all agree that robots, no matter how cool they might seem in the beginning, ultimately suck. And these aren't even the OP robots like Chip or Vicki, or the hip robots like Johnny 5 or R.O.B. These are Michael Crichton's gritty, realistic 80's robots, the ones shaped like boxes and ... other boxes, with one, maaaybe two claw hands. Because Michael Crichton is all about the realizable future, wherein robots, the most effective and helpful ones, are basically mobile boxes with claws. And batshit crazy and destined to take over the world. That's where Tom Selleck comes in. He plays Sgt. Jack Ramsay, a good cop with one flaw—he's afraid of heights. But you know one thing he's not afraid of? Robots. That's why he's in the police runaway division, nobly chasing rogue robots.

Here's a sampling of some the many robots prominently featured in the film:
table robot
lamp lowering robot
farming robot
floater robot
stacking robot
housewife/telephone/receiver/stereo/jukebox/cook robot
security robot
sniffing robot
driving robot
exploding robot
spider robot

In Michael Crichton's future, robots have advanced to the point where most of them can do one thing, and can do it so well that that's their name. The lone exception is L.O.I.S. (I'm going to assume her name was an acronym since it was the 80's), Ramsay's home robot who apparently can do almost everything except hold a decent conversation. And yet she is amazingly a better actor than the one who played Ramsay's child.

Michael Crichton paints a grim future. I, for one, do not want to live in a world with signs such as the ones below posted around construction sites:

CAUTION ROBOT AND HUMAN WORK AREA
CAUTION ROBOTS NOT EQUIPPED WITH HUMAN SENSORS
ROBOT AREA PROCEED WITH CAUTION

First, I guess animals or plants aren't allowed in the robot and human work area. Second, why would you not equip construction robots with human sensors? If you can make them mobile and arm them with heavy machinery, why would you not give them sensors to detect humans, especially if they're going to be in close proximity? And third, does it even need mention that you should proceed with caution? I mean these are robots we're talking about. Despite all these signs, the construction workers seemed pretty nonchalant about the rogue robot chucking sandbags off the top of the building.

Aside from the robots, the main antagonist is none other than Gene f'ing Simmons of Kiss. Yeah, I hate his guts because of multiple personal run-ins, but that's besides the point. He's a dick. And in this movie, he coincidentally also plays a dick, and an evil one at that. You want a surprise? He's also a shitty actor. Oops, guess I gave that one away. Anyway, he has scientists build chips to reprogram robots to kill humans, as if they wouldn't have done that on their own. And he also uses the chips to control the missile guidance system of his tracking missile gun, the same gun you see Tom Selleck holding on the poster even though he never uses it in the movie. The rounds, or smart missiles, may be heat-seaking, highly-maneuverable, and explosive, but they're also only a tad bit faster than a running human. If only that one scientist had zigged instead of zagged.

And how does Tom Selleck fare through all this? He's Tom Selleck dammit, the man with the stache so powerful that women swoon. At one point he knocks a bunch of monitors onto the floor and beats a robot to death with a chair, WWF-style. He orders sushi from a neon sign. He gets called a wienerhead and doesn't even blink. He does the splits between two moving cars. He gets shot in the face with acid and goes out to dinner with the girl. And he gets her to cook. Tom Selleck, no matter what, will be fine. This movie only reinforces that. So what if he didn't get to be Indiana Jones? Did I just watch "Runaway" starring Harrison Ford? No, that's Tom Selleck dammit. Long live the stache.

My shitty movie review: 8 turds out of 10. This movie, while shitty, is simultaneously genuinely though-provoking and entertaining. I've never seen erector sets put to such good use. Plus it's got a young Kirstie Alley and she actually kind of looks good here. Still bitchy, but attractive.

Shitty Movie Review - "Dangerous Men"

I had high expectations for "Dangerous Men" at the onset of the Everything Is Festival. After all, the festival literature described it saying, "Forget Troll 2, forget the collective works of Ed Wood, forget The Visitor, forget Birdemic — Dangerous Men is THE holiest of all Holyfuckingshits." But after having seen "Ninja Annihilation War," the bar was just set too impossibly high, perhaps even too high for one of the "Ninja Annihilation War" ninja to jump. That's not to say "Dangerous Men" is a bad film—well, it is a bad film because that's what I watch, but it's not a bad bad film. I have to admit, my brain was pretty fried when I watched this. Four days of watching films and found footage not to mention the nuke of "Ninja Annihilation War" means that I'm pretty inured to a lot of things at the moment. If I had seen this before I watched "Ninja Annihilation War," I'm sure that I would have felt very strongly about this movie.

Again, how could I describe this film? Plot? I suppose it has one. Main character(s)? I guess? Perhaps it's best to use the presenter's own words. When he went to view this film in it's original theatrical run in all of 8 Southern California theaters in 2005 rented out by the producer/director/writer/editor/composer/set decorator/production designer/special thanks John S. Rad (full name Jahangir Salehi Yeganehrad), he asked the box office:

"How many people have seen this?"
"Mmmmflu."
"Two?"
"No, you."

Furthermore, he described the ending as containing characters in the movie who 45 minutes earlier had yet to appear in the movie.

The very good thing about this film was really how it induced a social atmosphere. People bond over this movie. The whole theater was clapping and singing along with the background music. Friendships were forged, and relationships cemented. That is the type of movie this is. Years from now people will remember it, fondly, and share their stories about having seen it. Aside from that, it is rather indescribable. Upon the final shot of the film, not a single person in the packed house could deny their euphoria.

So, instead of describing the movie, let me leave you with quotes from an interview with John S. Rad about the film:

"A friend of mine had a connection with someone who had a helicopter. So we fly everywhere. That’s why I located the best location which makes the viewer to feel good and enjoy…"

"Also the film has many layers that maybe people do not pick up right away when watching one time, that’s why they want to see the film again and again as each time enjoy it more than earlier time."

"In my opinion, when a film has been shot is not important. We have to see the quality of the film, how it is, what message it gives, what education we can receive, and if we have fun from it’s entertainmentship."

Rest in peace.

John S. Rad
1936-2007

My shitty movie review: 10 turds out of 10. "Dangerous Men" is truly deserving of 10 turds on the normalized scale. It should sit up there proudly alongside the likes of "The Wicker Man" and "Killdozer!"

Shitty Movie Review - "Ninja Annihilation War"

"He was a ninja. It was his destiny to die a ninja. So is yours."
-unnamed evil ninja

There comes a time in everyone's life where they receive their calling. I know that mine is to spread the word—the word about shitty movies. Well, I just received an even more specific calling tonight—to spread the word about "Ninja Annihilation War." Now I should preface this by saying that I have spent the past two nights and all day today watching some of the weirdest, most obscure films and found footage at the Everything Is Festival hosted by Cinefamily at the Silent Theatre. I have watched hours of Chinese wizard battles, CG hentai porn, and even a screening of "The Pelican Brief" with a new, alternative experimental soundtrack performed live. But nothing, nothing could have prepared me for "Ninja Annihilation War." The video excerpt looked promising, but I started to panic when the presenter hyped it up. He explained the background of this particular VHS cassette, that it was found at a flea market labeled only as "NAW." That it was made in the 1980s when the ninja boom was at its craziest. That it was produced and directed by the Fung (pronounced "fang") brothers using whatever Caucasian actors were available in China so as to push the films international appeal. He even described the actors as, if your mom had divorced and was dating a man who did cardboard recycling—and it was his friends that were in the movie. All of this sounded too good to be true.

I won't go over the plot, because I can't—there really isn't one. I could try and fudge my way through it, but then I would only have to ask myself again, was that really the case? Was that really what happened? So instead I present you with snapshots of the movie instead, which do absolutely no justice to this amazing, amazing masterpiece. Over the course of the movie, you'll get to meet several incredible characters—then promptly forget about them. If you thought Michael Bay had cornered the market on continuity errors or plot holes, then ninjacide yourself. He is merely a rank amateur compared to the Fung brothers. After all, the main character (if you could indeed call him that) has trouble deciding when he has mustache, and when he doesn't.

There were a lot of things I did not know about ninja before watching this movie, and even more things that I thought were true about ninja I learned were not true. Like that they are all Asian—all the best ninja are white. And that the Soviet Union often used ninja as messengers. And that ninja aren't real—they're actually myths. Did you also know that it's a ninja legend that when a sword comes on top of another sword and it's covered with a red sheet, that it is a ninja challenge to duel that cannot not be accepted. I didn't know that, but thanks to "Ninja Annihilation War," now I do.

There are a lot of ninja in this movie. You don't title a movie "Ninja Annihilation War" without showing a few ninja, and show ninja they did. All different ninja colors. The ninja-black garbed ninja are only the lowliest of ninja, as the top tier ninja sport different ninja-colored ninja uniforms, like ninja-gold, ninja-blue, ninja-red, ninja-white, or my ninja-favorite, ninja-tigerstripe. And just so that the audience can be certain of who is a ninja, they wear brightly colored ninja headbands that say "Ninja" on them, often with a little ninja silhouette breaking up the word into "Nin" and "ja." Plus many of them sport manly Selleckesque ninja mustaches. And that whole ninja-covering-up-the-face thing? Real ninja only do that when they ninja fight. Otherwise it's ninja time to let that ninja mustache ninja breathe.

There's one really special part, too, and you will not miss it, nor will you ever forget it. A Chinese man comes home to find his wife in the shower. She entices him to scrub her back, so without even taking off his suit he jumps into the shower and starts kissing and rubbing on her. Never once does he actually scrub her back. They take it directly from the shower to the bed where miraculously they're completely dry. Then you see his balls. Twice. The scene ends with the two, completely nude, positioning into a 69. Only one other time have I seen this sex act performed in a mainstream movie, and that was "A History of Violence." The one in "Ninja Annihilation War" wins.

Much like it's history, in many ways the movie is a series of mysteries. Where are they? Could be Japan, could be Hong Kong, I lost track. When are they? At last check it was 10 years later, even though everyone was younger. Who was Billy? Who was the guy that killed Billy? Why did the guy in the wheelchair bring both beer (two cans out of a six pack) and wine to the meeting? Why didn't they have the meeting somewhere paved? How come nobody noticed the drugs in the lunchbox covered in aluminum foil? Where did the main character's wife go? Did she ever finish making the drunken crab dish after the crabs attacked her and he threw a ninja dirk at them? Who was the man he was following that was also a ninja? Who were the Jared Leto lookalike and the other cop dude? Who was that ninja who ran up the mountain for five minutes and what did he mean when he got to the top and yelled, "NINJAAAAA!!!" Did the German gymnast ever hook up with a ninja mentor? Where did Rick go with his bald head and pink sleeveless turtleneck? How did that drug dealer fit all of those joints into his mouth without damaging the goods? Who were the man and woman who got their own car chases in the movie? What happened to that woman after she beat up all those guys then collapsed on the ground? Why was that sex scene in the movie? And where can I get a copy of this movie?

The answer to that last question is the only one I can answer definitively, and sadly that answer is nowhere. As far as anyone knows, only one copy of the film exists, and it lies in the protective hands of the Alamo Drafthouse. These guardians protect the sacred NAW VHS, transporting it to various film events for special viewings. In many ways, they are like the Knights Templar, protectors of a holy artifact. But at the same time, they are also like missionaries, purveyors of that holy artifact. And I am but a lowly disciple, spreading the word. But please, heed my word. For if you should ever come across the opportunity to watch this movie, do so without any hesitation or doubt. I cannot stress this enough. Knowing what I now know, I will forever be chasing this film. If it weren't for the fact that Mrs. Winterbottom was also there and had seen it with me, I would think that what I saw was but a myth. And it is indeed a myth, but a myth that is as true and real as you or me.

My shitty movie rating: 10 turds out of 10NAW. The NAW scale is a specialized scale. After viewing "Ninja Annihilation War" I realized that my scale was completely off. Since how could "Ninja Annihilation War" be a 10 if "Anaconda" was also a 10? Now "The Wicker Man" should be and is a 10. But it is also not a 10 as "Ninja Annihilation War" is a 10. Thus the NAW modifies the current scale and adjusts it. A normalized 10 would only be like an 8NAW on the NAW scale. A 10NAW would be something like a 20 on the normalized scale.

Shitty Movie Review - "Deadly Prey"

A few months ago, Everything Is Terrible! released a trash compactor (2 minutes of the best scenes) of the 1987 film "Deadly Prey," and it generated a buttload of interest from denizens of the interweb. Imagine if you made a copy of a copy of a copy of Rambo, but each time you kept injecting a healthy dose of steroids (I guess that's kind of what Rambo IV was like) and that is "Deadly Prey," only better! So after months of procrastinating, my friends and I decided to plunge into the world of mercenaries and manhunters running through the jungles of Southern California (Riverside to be more precise).

Now here's the good news—and there's only good news. As good as the trash compactor is, like all great shitty movies, "Deadly Prey" is so much greater than the parts of its sum. The plot basically covers a group of mercenaries that train in the jungle 75 miles southeast of Los Angeles by hunting people that they kidnap right off the streets. Because if you really want to know how best to prepare against trained fighters, it's best to first practice against couch potatoes and stay-at-home dads. Well, they get more than they bargained for when they drag in legendary Marine and Vietnam War veteran Mike Danton (Ted Prior, brother to director David A. Prior), the best soldier ever produced by the mercenary's head, Colonel John Hogan (David Campbell).

Over the course of days, Danton outwits, outruns, and outguns Hogan's men, all while clad in only only his tight-fitting cutoff denim shorts. It becomes a game of cat and mouse between the former teacher and student. At Hogan's side are the sadistic Lieutenant Thornton and bosomy Sybil. Not to be outdone, Danton has his buddy-turned-mercenary Jack Cooper (William Zipp) watching his back, while his father-in-law (Cameron Mitchell) is also on the search for him. What ensues are 88 minutes of the manliest jungle fighting known to, well, anybody. Rambo may have ripped out a guys throat and disintegrated people with machine guns, but I don't think he ever used a machete to cut off a guys arm and beat him to death with it.

As far as problems go, this film really has none that I can highlight here. Sure, it has the typical over-acting/bad acting, but it's all so good! The movie is all that it says it is or claims to be and then some. Watch the trash compactor but know that what you are watching is only the tip of the iceberg. This is a fine masterwork from the vault of shitty movies.

As an added bonus, the creators of "Deadly Prey" are hoping to make a sequel and need your help. They hope to raise $150,000 to start production on "Deadliest Prey," the direct sequel to "Deadly Prey." To pledge funding (and possibly star in the movie), visit their Kickstarter page.

My shitty movie rating: 10 turds out of 10. A forgotten classic.