The Pitch - "Future Porn"

This title is a bit misleading since it has nothing to do with the adult entertainment in the future. Rather it's a short story concept about pornography and how it's evolved over time.

The basic premise is this: a man develops a time machine so that he can go back into the past and collect Tijuana Bibles. For those who don't know, Tijuana Bibles were pornographic comic books produced from the '20s through the '60s. But since currency has changed over time, he takes with him the only currency he knows that would have fair trade value: pornography. But since computers, DVD players, and VCRs don't exist in the past, he only takes print material, mainly dirty magazines. He expects people of the past to be appalled by modern day pornography, but is equally surprised at how skewed sexual morays were in the past as perceived by the present. Some of the items he trades for turn out to be quite graphic, whereas the most significant claims to his magazines are that they exhibit greater photographic fidelity and that the women have less hair. In the end he returns to the present with his collection of Tijuana Bibles and destroys the time machine so that it cannot be misused for more dubious acts.

I find writing about the story is far more fun that actually writing the story, although that still stands as a possibility. This is probably because it falls in line with my dreams of inconsequential time travel. If I could time travel, there are number of things I would like to do that don't stand to impact the flow of history at all. These are:

- Buy a pair of every single Air Jordan from the AJI to the AJXIV when it was originally released.
- Watch Napoleon's men use the Sphinx's nose for target practice.
- See the roof blow off of the Parthenon.
- Watch the 70th Academy Awards on TV.
- Catch the original airing of the last episode of "St. Elsewhere"
- Videotape Michael Jordan's first retirement ceremony.
- Watch the 1961 Rose Bowl game live from the Golden Gophers' side.
- Stand on line for the premier of "Star Wars."
- Watch that infamous performance of a local Peter Pan production as recounted on "This American Life."
- Eat at McDonald's in the '50s.
- Eat Ortolan before they became protected.
- Check out a Greek orgy.
- Ghost watch.
- Drink a Coca-Cola in the early 20th century.
- Ride a dinosaur.
- Ride a zeppelin.

So yes, maybe I would like to go back into the past to trade porn for porn. There could be worse things a person could do with a time machine.

The Pitch - Hobo Reality Shows

I derive a great deal of inspiration whenever I'm around my friends. This week's brilliant idea revolved around hobos, hobodom, and reality TV shows.

"Survivor" is a hugely popular reality TV show in which a group of contestants are stranded in an isolated location and have to "survive." Hobos have been surviving for years, isolated in the midst of a society that largely turns a blind eye toward them. Why not provide them the opportunity to prove their survival skills while at the same time offering them a chance at a more inclusive role in society?

There are very few television programs that focus on hobos, and even fewer reality shows (by my count, zero). There are hobos all over, yet they make up a very small percentage of the characters on TV. I don't recall ever seeing a hobo on "Friends," although I might be mistaken. (After all, they did get around to showing black people when Ross had that one girlfriend who wasn't Rachel, his student, the bald girl, or the Asian girl.) So why not better represent hobos and their culture with their own reality television show?

With the ranks of the homeless bolstered by each foreclosure and loan default, there is an ever-growing contestant pool for hobo reality shows. How about "The Hobo Real World?" This is the true story of seven hobos, picked to live in an alley, and have their lives taped to find out what happens when hobos stop being polite and start being real. It is easy to imagine the accusations of who is hooking up with whom in whose sleeping box and who is taking dumps in the communal space, and still this show does not exist. Yet. Besides, the production budget would be phenomenally low and it is extremely difficult to have walkouts. Where could they go? To another alley? Most conceivably. To a house? Not very much likely.

Their limited means can often force hobos to be creative with whatever they have at hand, be it cardboard boxes and styrofoam trays or yesterdays leftovers. And hobos just have a flair for fashion with their distressed, post-apocalyptic,'90s grunge-look. It is surprising that fashionistas have not tapped more into hobo culture in developing the next big look. A little "Project Alleyway" or "America's Next Top Hobo" would do much to propel hobo couture into the limelight.

Hobos are simply fascinating with often engaging personal stories and cautionary histories. They are ripe for entertainment and deserve people's attention, so why not put them on the television? Give them a chance to regain their dignity and earn the respect of society by making them the stars their own shows, like "Jersey Hobos" and "The Real Hobo Housewives of Orange County." On second thought, perhaps they are better off where they are.



Other hobo reality TV shows conceived but not used in this article:

America's Hobos Got Talent
Dancing With the Hobos
Hobo Elimidate
Hobo Idol
Homeless Eye for the Homebound Guy
Rail Rules
Top Hobo Chef

The Pitch - Gay Detective Show

During dinner I was thinking about how many procedurals on TV rely on certain gimmicks, but what really brings viewers back to watch week after week are the characters and their relationships. One of the most popular elements of such television shows is the sexual tension between the two leads (Bones, Castle, Moonlighting, Remington Steele). And in many of these shows, the jumping the shark moment is generally when the leads get together (Caroline in the City, Friends, X-Files). Then I thought about how some shows don't necessarily pair leads of opposite sexes (Law & Order, Numbers, Two and a Half Men). But why wouldn't it be possible to have two guys or two women gradually gravitate toward one another and possible fall in love?

The idea I have thus far is rather amoebic, and hasn't been thought out too far. A show about a detective agency like Remington Steele would provide a solid, tried-and-true backdrop. Perhaps the show could be like Simon & Simon, but instead of being brothers, they're not, plus they're gay, but that's not evident from the beginning. I don't think their sexual inclination needs to be a driving element of the show, particularly early on. In fact, I'd rather have it appear as though each of them may be straight. Or maybe just one. Either way, they'd be drawn closer together through common interests and goals, finally realizing near the end of the series that they really do love each other and want to be together forever.

I can understand why some people might be bothered by this. A lot of people would say they might watch a show like this. But while realistic depictions of homosexuality have been increasingly accepted by television viewers, it has been done somewhat through humor at gays' expense. Will & Grace was a hugely successful show with gay characters featured prominently. However it still smacks of gay blackface in much the same way The Big Bang Theory is comedy as nerd blackface. If the show weren't couching itself in humor, such a relationship could prove to be too much for the average audience to handle.

I can't imagine any network progressive enough to take the risk of putting a show like this on the air. It wouldn't get past the pitch phase, and even if the show was produced without the network explicitly knowing where the creators wanted to take the show, it's doubtful they would approve. However, especially if written well with likable characters, why would sexual orientation have to be an issue? As long as it's compelling, responsible television and not meant to be spectacle, it could prove to be a touching premise in the end. And if they still want to pass, Xena did it. They might have been women, but they were pretty masculine women. Note, I didn't use a comma after "pretty."

The Pitch - The Ladybirds

Every spring you can find gardening centers selling ladybugs to rid your garden of aphids and other bug pests. They either come in bags or little cardboard cups. If you've ever held a ladybug, then you know that they emit a foul chemical that irritates your skin—it's one of their defense mechanisms. Well it got me thinking about a movie idea. Like Locusts or Mosquito, you could have ladybugs terrorizing people for reasons unknown—that's not important. What is important is the awesome movie mock-up cover I made.

Yes, The Ladybirds could be coming to a theater near you to invade the peaceful Bodega Bay, or some other such place. All that is needed are a bunch of young, attractive, vapid starlets, a nerdy entomologist who gets eaten five minutes before the climax, and a bunch of real and model ladybugs. Forget the CG stuff, models are far more believable anyway.

As for plot, does it really matter? None of these types of movies have a plot worth following. Just have the bugs invade, create a panic, and start killing people off slowly. As long as the movies shows a little skin and a few grisly death scenes, the target audience will be more or less engaged.

So there you go, an inspired movie idea that I'm offering to Hollywood for free. But if anyone is looking for a producer or a nerdy entomologist-type, they can go ahead and tap me for the role as a thank-you.

The Pitch - Police Academy Babies

During the '80s and early '90s there was no shortage of animated spin-offs to live-action movies. Beetlejuice, Ghostbusters, Little Shop of Horrors, Rambo, Robocop, Teen Wolf, and The Toxic Avenger were a few of the many films that were questionably spun-off into animated programs targeting children. None of these were particularly successful, and most certainly none of these surpassed the original films on which they were based. In most cases, the original films were aimed at mature audiences and contained content not suitable for children, and often times it was that content that gave films like Rambo and Robocop their edge. So when translated into animated form, much of the essence of these films was clearly lost. Police Academy: The Animated Series was another such show that failed to gain an audience.

With all of the movie series' characters present, including Carey Mahoney who would not appear in subsequent films in the series, it seemed like a surefire hit. After all the movies themselves were little more than live-action cartoon comedies appealing to adolescents. The problem with Police Academy as with all those other films was the same: not enough differentiation toward the extreme. These series were all watered down versions of the original. Aside from being animated, they offered no novelty. But not all animated spin-offs fared poorly. One show that garnered a little more success while carving out a new audience for itself was Jim Henson's Muppet Babies.

Jim Henson's Muppet Babies took the lovable characters from The Muppet Show, and transplanted them, as babies, into a children's nursery. The characters, for the most part, retained their personalities, but they now had to navigate the world of children through their imagination. The idea was a creative breakthrough, as the animated format allowed the Muppet babies to have adventures they couldn't otherwise have had in the live-action world. By presenting the Muppets as babies, producers of the show were able to push hard for the youth demographic which was receptive to the show. Others shows attempted similar schemes, like The Flintstone Kids and A Pup Named Scooby Doo, but they didn't push it as far as Muppet Babies did to really differentiate themselves as their own properties apart from their parental sources.

So Muppet Babies succeeded where so many others failed. But second chances are still possible, and with the current news of a Police Academy reboot, perhaps it's time to rethink this animated spin-off approach with Muppet Babies in mind. Police Academy: The Animated Series might not have been a bad idea, but Police Academy Babies would have been a laugh riot. Just like Muppet Babies, transplant all of the characters from Police Academy into a nursery as babies, remove the nanny, and sit back as they maintain order amongst the rest of the unruly babies. They would retain most of their characteristic idiosyncrasies, such as Moses Hightower's superhuman strength, Larvell Jones gift of mimicry, and Eugene Tackleberry's gung-ho nature.

Typical crimes could include missing baby food. Laverne Hooks could drive her police cruiser Big Wheels recklessly as she followed a suspect on his tricycle. Then, with the thief hiding inside a playhouse, Hightower could show up to lift the house up singlehandedly thus exposing the culprit. Of course Captain Harris and Proctor would be up to their old habits of trying to undermine Commandant Lassard and obtain his position. The action and storylines would be absurd, which would not only follow in the spirit of the films, but could also make the animated show memorable in its own right. Or push the show beyond the nursery into a world filled with baby citizens. The adventures wouldn't have to stop there, as the next step would be Police Academy Babies in Space. The possibilities are limitless.

This formula need not apply only to Police Academy, but can be applied to virtually any other film out there. Baby Rambo. Baby Robocop. Baby Total Recall. Baby Men in Black. The titles alone conjure up images and the rest just writes itself. The series don't even have to have original storylines, they can just copy the films with all of the characters replaced by baby versions. So, Hollywood, if you plan on spinning off any animated kid shows in the near future, you might want to consider baby-fying them. After all, it did work for the Muppets.

The Pitch - Figure Skate Pro 2010

Watching the Winter Olympics has got me thinking: Why haven't software developers been able to come up with a video game that accurately captures the sport of figure skating? A quick search brings up only a handful of ice skating games, none of which take the sport seriously. But not anymore. Enter "Figure Skate Pro 2010," the ultimate figure skating simulator.

The game would feature many of the ice's current stars, as well as hall of famers from years past. If you've seen it on the ice, you can do it in the game. Quadruple jump? Check. Scott Hamilton's back flip? Got it. The Iron Lotus? It's in there, but only if you dare.

And skaters will have their own signature moves and special moves performable once their super meter is full. The meter can be filled by successfully completing combinations. The rate of success depends on certain button combinations and timing, in conjunction with the charge meter on the bottom right of the screen. Bonuses score multipliers are also awarded for completed maneuvers.

Players will also be allowed to create their own ice skaters and take them through a career mode, where they will have to work their way up through the ranks. Players can take their skaters through training programs to increase their skills, and as they win more competitions and money, they can buy better equipment and access to better training facilities. Design your own skating routines and build your skater into a monster, with max points in jump, trick, leg, and stamina ratings. Imagine Scott Hamilton on commentary:

A triple Lutz! A triple Lutz! A triple Lutz! A triple Lutz! A triple Lutz! (awkward pause) What a combination. (awkward pause) Double Toe, and a double toe, and a double toe. (awkward pause) Another great combination.

Players will have access to different costumes for their skater, and they would even be able to design their own costumes. Bedazzle the shit out of your onesie. Add tassels to your skates. Rhinestone the hell out of your tights.

Ice skating fans will no longer have to wait for when Stars on Ice comes to town, or go to Camp Snoopy to check out Snoopy on Ice. They will be able to enjoy ice skating year round with "Figure Skate Pro 2010." Well, at least until the 2011 installment comes out.

The Pitch - Killer Babies video game

This idea has been percolating in my head for some time.
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I want to start by saying I love babies. But I often find myself thinking, "What would it be like to kick them?" As actually kicking a baby could be considered a despicable act no matter how evil the baby, I had to figure out an alternative. Enter "Killer Babies," the ultimate baby-kicking simulator. The basic premise is this: a large arena is filled with killer babies, and it is your job to clear the stadium before they can overwhelm you with their baby killing ways. With a game of this nature, I felt it would be best if it were casual, like an arcade game a la "Smash TV." As such, the Nintendo DS would be particularly well suited because of its portability and its touch-sensitive screen.

Gameplay is fairly simple. The player starts out with a full life bar and several lives which carry over to each round. The player's objective is to clear the arena of babies, but if the babies get close enough to the player before he or she can react, they begin eating away at the player's life bar. Once the life bar is depleted, the player loses a life. When all the lives are gone, the game is over. As more rounds are cleared, the number of babies increases along with their mobility and awareness to the player. The player earns a score by eliminating babies from the field and clearing levels, with score multipliers and time bonuses also awarded based on play.


(Concept art)

The game is displayed in a top-down view on the top DS screen. The player's character is always locked to the center of the screen except when panning. The stamina bar, score, and level are displayed at the top of the screen. When the baby count gets to ten or below, it is also displayed on the screen.

Prior to the start of each round, the player must pick a clear spot within the baby-populated stadium on which to drop their character. The player can control their character's movement by using the D-pad. By holding down the left shoulder button and using the D-pad, the player can pan the screen around to see other areas of the arena. Once inside the arena, the killer babies will converge on the player's character. Utilizing the DS stylus, the player can flick the stylus on the touch pad in the direction of a nearby baby to field goal kick them out of the stadium. Alternatively, the player can tap the stylus while their character is facing a nearby baby to pick them up. While holding up to a maximum of one baby, the player can still flick the stylus in order to kick other nearby babies. If the player wants to throw the baby, they only have to tap the stylus a second time on the touch pad. The location on the touch pad controls which direction you throw the baby, and the distance away from the center of the touch pad dictates how far you throw the baby. A hard throw near the edge of the arena will cause your character to chuck the baby out of the arena, while throwing the baby into a crowd of babies will knock them back.

The killer babies will also come in different varieties. Fat babies would be much harder to kick and throw out of the arena. Bipedal babies can walk on their legs for short periods of time at a faster rate, but are clumsy and sometimes resort back to crawling. If sick babies touch the player, they infect him or her depleting life for a short period of time. There would even be boss babies, giant baby-eating babies at whom the player has to hurl and kick other killer babies.

Arena layouts will also vary, with obstacles and pitfalls making it more difficult to maneuver. Same arenas will also be blacked out save for a central spotlight on the player's character and roving spotlights highlighting other areas around the arena.

Randomly generated power-ups will also grant the player enhanced abilities for a limited time. The speed power-up will increase the players overall movement speed. The kick power-up increases the players kicking strength. If a player kicks into a nearby crowd of babies while using this power-up, all the nearby babies will be booted from the arena. The throw power-up allows the player to throw babies farther as well as knock a greater amount of babies back with more force.

Minigames are also a possibility. There could be a target practice minigame in which the player tries to kick stationary babies at moving targets. There's baby dodgeball where the player faces off against another player, throwing babies at each other.

Aside from all this, there could be a career baby-kicking mode with RPG-like stats and leveling. Customized clothing options for the player's character. Custom designed arenas. Even custom babies. The possibilities are limitless

As you can see, I have put a great deal of thought into this game. I even changed the title from the original "Baby Kicker" to "Killer Babies" to avoid offending people. I have worked out all of the game mechanics and even mocked up some artwork, so there really is little left to do but to write the program. So if anyone out there is willing to help make this game a reality, please, please, please contact me.

The Pitch - Live-Action M.A.S.K.

So one of the reasons I started a blog is so that I can pitch ideas that I want to see happen. Some might be wondering, "Why don't you make these happen?" Well, because they're pretty stupid (I keep the good ones to myself). Besides, if I send out my ideas into the ether that is the internet and some other schmuck goes and makes them happen, then wasn't I really the one responsible for making them happen because it was my idea and I put it out there in the first place?
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Some of my friends say it can't be done. Some say we're not technologically advanced enough to shoot it, or that it's simply unshootable on a budget, or that there's zero interest in the property. But I don't believe that, and neither should you. In my lifetime, there could be, should be, needs to be a live-action M.A.S.K. movie. I'm not talking about that movie with Eric Stoltz where he has the genetic defect that causes his facial bones to grow imprisoning him in a figurative and literal mask. I'm talking about M.A.S.K., Mobile Armored Strike Kommand. Dudes wearing masks. With powers. And vehicles that transform. Into other vehicles.

M.A.S.K. was a watershed animated children's program and toyline in the mid-1980s. It combined elements of the highly popular G.I. Joe and Transformers franchises. The program's storyline followed an anti-criminal organization, M.A.S.K., as they crossed paths with an evil organization, V.E.N.O.M. (Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem).

The main draw of the series were their transforming vehicles and power bestowing masks. Vehicles and headquarters could generally assume both a normal form, and an enhanced combat form. For instance, the Gator was an orange Jeep 4x4 that had the ability to deploy a hydroplane, and the Switchblade was a helicopter that could transform into a jet. Furthermore, every vehicle was accompanied by a figure who in turn came with a unique mask that granted him or her various abilities, such as Dusty Hayes(packaged with the aforementioned Gator) whose Backlash mask "pretend[ed] to cause sonic waves." Another character, Cliff Dagger, came with a mask that "pretend[ed] to be a flame thrower." The toyline proved to be popular, although the program was short-lived, only lasting 75 episodes over two seasons.

So naturally, following the success of the live-action Transformers and G.I. Joe films, Hollywood would be jumping on the M.A.S.K. bandwagon, right? Wrong. As far as I know, there are no scripts in development. No buzz about whose going to play Matt Trakker. Nada. So what's the problem? Let's break it down.

Not technologically advanced enough
Now this clearly isn't the problem. Michael Bay has demonstrated that there's nothing you can't do with CG given the budget and the time that when loaded with explosions and devoid of logic won't be a bonafide blockbuster. And James Cameron has pushed the envelope even further, creating whole computer generated worlds in 3-D no less. So it would appear that technology is not the culprit preventing me from seeing people wearing masks pretending to cause sonic waves and pretending to shoot flames at each other.

Unshootable on a budget
Perhaps this one is debatable, and also goes hand in hand with argument three. Again referring to Michael Bay's Transformers and Stephen Sommers' G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, we see a conservative approach used to deliver a movie under budget that still manages to wow the audience. By carefully choosing to depict a smaller amount of the popular core characters, and cost-effective hiring of young-not-yet-star actors, both Sommers and Bay were able to free up a larger percentage of their budget for special effects. M.A.S.K. could easily copy this formula, choosing to stick with the main core characters from the first wave of toys while holding off on the new second wave characters until the possible sequel. (I don't think Jacques LaFleur would be missed.)

There's zero interest in the property
Now this clearly is not true. I'm interested in the property. At least one other fan whose site I referenced to write this article is interested in the property. So there are people out there who have their eye on the situation waiting to see what happens. And as Field of Dreams said, "If you build it, they will come." So why then hasn't Hollywood struck while the '80s toyline revival iron is hot?

M.A.S.K.'s second season and the French
Okay. I'll admit it. The second season of M.A.S.K. was a dumb idea. In the second season, the show venue moved to the automobile race track. The same characters were there. Both factions remained present. Only now everything was racing themed, so as to coincide with the release of the third wave of toys which were all racing themed. Did any of this make sense? No, and perhaps that is a reason why Hollywood is reluctant to produce a feature length movie.

Then there's also DIC Entertainment, the French-American company that produced the show, and let's face it--Americans don't like the French. So there's a love-hate relationship with this Franco-American lovechild, and nobody wants to argue with the French for custody. So there you have the most compelling reason why an intellectually bankrupt Hollywood hasn't come sniffing around M.A.S.K.'s rear end for a chance at a most likely blockbuster hit. But if there are any Hollywood executives out there reading this, you should jump on this now. I'm telling you it's a done deal. You've got at least two tickets sold by the second week of opening, that's like -$0.46 after cost, so as long the budget is at least under -$0.46, you'll cut a profit. Heck, if it's really bad, I may just see it twice, and bring my friends along for the wreck. As long as it doesn't actually involve any of season two's car wrecks.