Robot Unicorn Attack - The Review

Rarely does a work come along that, once you've experienced it, you realize it is a masterpiece--everything about it so carefully chosen and woven together in perfection that it makes you wonder why no one had thought of it in the first place. Such is Robot Unicorn Attack, a Flash game from [adult swim].

Upon entering the game, the player is asked to "press Z to make [his] wishes come true!" The player gets three wishes (chances) as he takes control of the robot unicorn which gallops at ever increasing speeds over a sparse terrain of floating islands in the sky, complete with clouds and rainbows in the background. Using only two buttons, the robot unicorn can jump, double jump, and dash to avoid falling to its death or crashing into terrain and exploding into millions of pieces causing its head to fly at the screen. Along the way robot unicorn can also jump to catch fairies and dash through large star roadblocks to earn points. Each time robot unicorn dies, and if the player does not garner enough points, he is told, his "dreams did not come true." The player can then "press 'Z' to chase [his] dreams again!" But if the player earns enough points, his wish is granted, and he becomes "a star!"

The game is easy to pick up, but still challenging enough despite it's simple mechanics. Once you start playing Robot Unicorn Attack, you will find yourself at odd moments of the day yearning to play it--that is, of course, if you are not already playing it.

But the game itself is so much greater than its gameplay. The artwork is spot-on. Robot unicorn has the appearance of a metallic, robotic unicorn with a rainbow mane and tail. And when robot unicorn jumps, a rainbow and stars trail behind it. Gathering fairies yields more stars, and once robot unicorn has gotten far enough, dolphins appear, jumping across the bottom of the stage as if they always want to be with you, and make believe with you, and live in harmony, harmony, oh love! Which brings us to the oh so important music.

Accompanying robot unicorn in make believe, harmony, and love is Erasure's 1994 hit single, Always. When Erasure wrote and performed this song, they probably didn't know that they were really writing it for Robot Unicorn Attack, but they were. Always and Robot Unicorn Attack go together like stoners and White Castle. Hall and Oates. ToeJam and Earl. It's a marriage that was destined to be, and it couldn't be more appropriate.

"Awesome" is a word that is overused in society today, and much of its impact has waned over time. But imagine it like it was centuries ago, when hearing it was like a righteous punch of goodness in your overloaded gut, causing uriny bad-assitude to issue forth. Now take that and multiply it by rad to the power of sick, and that's what Robot Unicorn Attack is, full on awesome!

Play Robot Unicorn Attack. Now.

BONUS!!!: Always music video. May it always be with you.

The Pitch - Figure Skate Pro 2010

Watching the Winter Olympics has got me thinking: Why haven't software developers been able to come up with a video game that accurately captures the sport of figure skating? A quick search brings up only a handful of ice skating games, none of which take the sport seriously. But not anymore. Enter "Figure Skate Pro 2010," the ultimate figure skating simulator.

The game would feature many of the ice's current stars, as well as hall of famers from years past. If you've seen it on the ice, you can do it in the game. Quadruple jump? Check. Scott Hamilton's back flip? Got it. The Iron Lotus? It's in there, but only if you dare.

And skaters will have their own signature moves and special moves performable once their super meter is full. The meter can be filled by successfully completing combinations. The rate of success depends on certain button combinations and timing, in conjunction with the charge meter on the bottom right of the screen. Bonuses score multipliers are also awarded for completed maneuvers.

Players will also be allowed to create their own ice skaters and take them through a career mode, where they will have to work their way up through the ranks. Players can take their skaters through training programs to increase their skills, and as they win more competitions and money, they can buy better equipment and access to better training facilities. Design your own skating routines and build your skater into a monster, with max points in jump, trick, leg, and stamina ratings. Imagine Scott Hamilton on commentary:

A triple Lutz! A triple Lutz! A triple Lutz! A triple Lutz! A triple Lutz! (awkward pause) What a combination. (awkward pause) Double Toe, and a double toe, and a double toe. (awkward pause) Another great combination.

Players will have access to different costumes for their skater, and they would even be able to design their own costumes. Bedazzle the shit out of your onesie. Add tassels to your skates. Rhinestone the hell out of your tights.

Ice skating fans will no longer have to wait for when Stars on Ice comes to town, or go to Camp Snoopy to check out Snoopy on Ice. They will be able to enjoy ice skating year round with "Figure Skate Pro 2010." Well, at least until the 2011 installment comes out.

The Pitch - Killer Babies video game

This idea has been percolating in my head for some time.
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I want to start by saying I love babies. But I often find myself thinking, "What would it be like to kick them?" As actually kicking a baby could be considered a despicable act no matter how evil the baby, I had to figure out an alternative. Enter "Killer Babies," the ultimate baby-kicking simulator. The basic premise is this: a large arena is filled with killer babies, and it is your job to clear the stadium before they can overwhelm you with their baby killing ways. With a game of this nature, I felt it would be best if it were casual, like an arcade game a la "Smash TV." As such, the Nintendo DS would be particularly well suited because of its portability and its touch-sensitive screen.

Gameplay is fairly simple. The player starts out with a full life bar and several lives which carry over to each round. The player's objective is to clear the arena of babies, but if the babies get close enough to the player before he or she can react, they begin eating away at the player's life bar. Once the life bar is depleted, the player loses a life. When all the lives are gone, the game is over. As more rounds are cleared, the number of babies increases along with their mobility and awareness to the player. The player earns a score by eliminating babies from the field and clearing levels, with score multipliers and time bonuses also awarded based on play.


(Concept art)

The game is displayed in a top-down view on the top DS screen. The player's character is always locked to the center of the screen except when panning. The stamina bar, score, and level are displayed at the top of the screen. When the baby count gets to ten or below, it is also displayed on the screen.

Prior to the start of each round, the player must pick a clear spot within the baby-populated stadium on which to drop their character. The player can control their character's movement by using the D-pad. By holding down the left shoulder button and using the D-pad, the player can pan the screen around to see other areas of the arena. Once inside the arena, the killer babies will converge on the player's character. Utilizing the DS stylus, the player can flick the stylus on the touch pad in the direction of a nearby baby to field goal kick them out of the stadium. Alternatively, the player can tap the stylus while their character is facing a nearby baby to pick them up. While holding up to a maximum of one baby, the player can still flick the stylus in order to kick other nearby babies. If the player wants to throw the baby, they only have to tap the stylus a second time on the touch pad. The location on the touch pad controls which direction you throw the baby, and the distance away from the center of the touch pad dictates how far you throw the baby. A hard throw near the edge of the arena will cause your character to chuck the baby out of the arena, while throwing the baby into a crowd of babies will knock them back.

The killer babies will also come in different varieties. Fat babies would be much harder to kick and throw out of the arena. Bipedal babies can walk on their legs for short periods of time at a faster rate, but are clumsy and sometimes resort back to crawling. If sick babies touch the player, they infect him or her depleting life for a short period of time. There would even be boss babies, giant baby-eating babies at whom the player has to hurl and kick other killer babies.

Arena layouts will also vary, with obstacles and pitfalls making it more difficult to maneuver. Same arenas will also be blacked out save for a central spotlight on the player's character and roving spotlights highlighting other areas around the arena.

Randomly generated power-ups will also grant the player enhanced abilities for a limited time. The speed power-up will increase the players overall movement speed. The kick power-up increases the players kicking strength. If a player kicks into a nearby crowd of babies while using this power-up, all the nearby babies will be booted from the arena. The throw power-up allows the player to throw babies farther as well as knock a greater amount of babies back with more force.

Minigames are also a possibility. There could be a target practice minigame in which the player tries to kick stationary babies at moving targets. There's baby dodgeball where the player faces off against another player, throwing babies at each other.

Aside from all this, there could be a career baby-kicking mode with RPG-like stats and leveling. Customized clothing options for the player's character. Custom designed arenas. Even custom babies. The possibilities are limitless

As you can see, I have put a great deal of thought into this game. I even changed the title from the original "Baby Kicker" to "Killer Babies" to avoid offending people. I have worked out all of the game mechanics and even mocked up some artwork, so there really is little left to do but to write the program. So if anyone out there is willing to help make this game a reality, please, please, please contact me.