This is a very easy test for finding out whether your friend is a zombie or a dick. As your friend approaches you, moaning and groaning, squat down below the reach of his outstretched arms and quickly punch him in the groin. If he is truly a zombie, your punch will likely elicit a non-reaction as zombies don't feel pain. Then it's time to run. But if your friend is only faking being a zombie, he will crumple over in intense pain, righteous justification for acting like a dick.
My use of masculine pronouns is not a generalization. Girls generally don't act like dicks, and almost never would act like a zombie dick under most circumstances. If a female friend is acting like a zombie, it would be best to incapacitate her as quickly as possible. Decapitation is usually a viable method.
Ed. note: This method also guarantees that no one will try being a zombie ass again, so if your friend is lurching towards you a second time it's best to find the nearest heavy, blunt object and whack them over the head.
Showing posts with label zombies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label zombies. Show all posts
Friday, October 29, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Sustainability in Zombieful World
When the zombiepocalypse comes, most people will likely hole up in their homes in favor of self-preservation. In some areas it is likely that people will be able to survive on their own without assistance from the government for weeks, possibly years. But while these people remain locked behind doors and barricades, who will be handling recyclables and waste management? While eradication of the zombie scourge is a top priority, civil undertakings should not be neglected. Most assuredly people will be making do and reusing what they can under the circumstances, but there will be refuse and other wasted materials no doubt filling the streets. Without regular trash collections and ongoing recycling, garbage will pile up higher than a zombie staircase trying to reach the last fat cat stuck on the second balcony at the Met. By continuing waste disposal service in the midst of adversity, humankind supports sustainability on a number of fronts and proves itself as a species worth saving.
Broadly speaking, sustainability is the ability to endure, so it is doubly appropriate with respect to zombies. As zombies are for the most part unique to humans (depending on the source material), they pose a singular threat to peoplekind. Zombies threaten all aspects of human life, from politics to society, economics, etc. Hence it is appropriate that people would take a stand against zombies to preserve the status quo.
But sustainability also relates to ecology and the environment. Creating a sustainable environment also promotes the status quo insofar as slowing down the ravaging effects of industrialization and civilization in general. Sustainable environments can also ensure a healthier future with reduced greenhouse gases and increased flora and fauna populations over time which adds much to diversity in nature. Should the environment be tainted by an overzealous human race ignorant of what is happening, zombies won't be the only thing threatening their existence.
By continuing to be the custodians of the Earth, humans will prove to be worthy caretakers who deserved to have inherited it from the dinosaurs. Furthermore keeping the streets clean would likely reduce the transmission of fatal infections and diseases that would only serve to increase the zombie state. People really have to do their part in maintaining a sustainable environment if they hope to survive. By focusing solely on the zombie dilemma while neglecting other areas of life, humans will paint themselves into a corner where it will be all to easy for the zombies to trap them and consume their delectable brains.
Broadly speaking, sustainability is the ability to endure, so it is doubly appropriate with respect to zombies. As zombies are for the most part unique to humans (depending on the source material), they pose a singular threat to peoplekind. Zombies threaten all aspects of human life, from politics to society, economics, etc. Hence it is appropriate that people would take a stand against zombies to preserve the status quo.
But sustainability also relates to ecology and the environment. Creating a sustainable environment also promotes the status quo insofar as slowing down the ravaging effects of industrialization and civilization in general. Sustainable environments can also ensure a healthier future with reduced greenhouse gases and increased flora and fauna populations over time which adds much to diversity in nature. Should the environment be tainted by an overzealous human race ignorant of what is happening, zombies won't be the only thing threatening their existence.
By continuing to be the custodians of the Earth, humans will prove to be worthy caretakers who deserved to have inherited it from the dinosaurs. Furthermore keeping the streets clean would likely reduce the transmission of fatal infections and diseases that would only serve to increase the zombie state. People really have to do their part in maintaining a sustainable environment if they hope to survive. By focusing solely on the zombie dilemma while neglecting other areas of life, humans will paint themselves into a corner where it will be all to easy for the zombies to trap them and consume their delectable brains.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Date With a Zombie
There are two types of people in this world—those who have a zombie preparedness plan and zombie food. I fall into the former category. I think I spend more time considering zombie plans for wherever I go than I do planning for actual emergencies. I'll tell you right now I'm not going anywhere during the great zombiepocalypse. I plan on staying right at home, plinking nearby zombies with any firearms I can obtain.
One of the things I love about zombies is that they're people, but they're also blight. Killing them is an issue of survival. For every zombie you let survive, they greater the likelihood of more people being converted. Furthermore they're being dead absolves one from murder as you can't kill what is legally dead. As such I have no qualms about massacring zombies left and right, be they family, lovers, or friends. It's like a coming out party for the little sociopath inside of me.
But what if it were possible to reverse the condition? Readers already know I don't believe that is possible as I only believe in classic zombies, but we'll go ahead and ponder this hypothetical question. Would it make a difference? No. Not to me at least. As I stated before, it's a matter of survival. If there were some blanket cure that the government could rain from the skies, then fine. But while FEMA and the military are busy dragging they're asses, I'll be doing my best to reduce the zombie population to nil.
So I already have plans for the zombiepocalypse. I'm almost certain they're a little different from your plans, oh reader. Mine might not be the best plan, but between us, who do you think is going to be having more fun?
One of the things I love about zombies is that they're people, but they're also blight. Killing them is an issue of survival. For every zombie you let survive, they greater the likelihood of more people being converted. Furthermore they're being dead absolves one from murder as you can't kill what is legally dead. As such I have no qualms about massacring zombies left and right, be they family, lovers, or friends. It's like a coming out party for the little sociopath inside of me.
But what if it were possible to reverse the condition? Readers already know I don't believe that is possible as I only believe in classic zombies, but we'll go ahead and ponder this hypothetical question. Would it make a difference? No. Not to me at least. As I stated before, it's a matter of survival. If there were some blanket cure that the government could rain from the skies, then fine. But while FEMA and the military are busy dragging they're asses, I'll be doing my best to reduce the zombie population to nil.
So I already have plans for the zombiepocalypse. I'm almost certain they're a little different from your plans, oh reader. Mine might not be the best plan, but between us, who do you think is going to be having more fun?
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Zombie Protection Plan
While conversing with my friends yesterday, the conversation inevitably turned to zombies and 24-hour restaurants. Somehow this made me ponder what I would consider so important that I would have to go out into the zombie-pocalypse to protect it, much as how Shaun went to rescue his mum and his ex-girlfriend Liz in "Shaun of the Dead."
There is my family, of course, but once the house and perimeter are secure, which takes only minutes, I will be free to protect the next most important thing. Seeing as how I don't have a significant other, the next most precious thing to my heart would have to be Pioneer Chicken.
Since cars will be practically useless, I'll have to either find a motorcycle or bicycle, but most likely I will have to run there. Pioneer Chicken is only about three miles away, so it's doable. I'm going to have to train though, since I'm out of shape at the moment. Hopefully the zombie-pocalypse won't be for a few weeks. I can't guarantee that I'll save Irene, but I'll try my best to save Lorenzo, since he knows how to cook the chicken.
As long as Lorenzo keeps frying up the chicken, I'll be able to fight off the zombie horde. Pioneer fried chicken is to me as spinach is to Popeye.
Someday, we'll all be dead. But a world without Pioneer Chicken? I would be willing to sacrifice myself to keep that from ever happening.
There is my family, of course, but once the house and perimeter are secure, which takes only minutes, I will be free to protect the next most important thing. Seeing as how I don't have a significant other, the next most precious thing to my heart would have to be Pioneer Chicken.
Since cars will be practically useless, I'll have to either find a motorcycle or bicycle, but most likely I will have to run there. Pioneer Chicken is only about three miles away, so it's doable. I'm going to have to train though, since I'm out of shape at the moment. Hopefully the zombie-pocalypse won't be for a few weeks. I can't guarantee that I'll save Irene, but I'll try my best to save Lorenzo, since he knows how to cook the chicken.
As long as Lorenzo keeps frying up the chicken, I'll be able to fight off the zombie horde. Pioneer fried chicken is to me as spinach is to Popeye.
Someday, we'll all be dead. But a world without Pioneer Chicken? I would be willing to sacrifice myself to keep that from ever happening.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The Love of Unicorns Isn't Dead ... in Germany
While perusing the daily blogs, one of my favorites, which shall go unnamed (*cough* Geekologie *cough*) as they're my primary competition in unicorn-related news, linked to a German unicorn image blog which I am going to link to now: Rainbowzombies Ate My Unicorn. I can't understand much on the site as although I have a German name, I must admit I am German illiterate, with the exception of Nazi-talk, a pseudo-German sub-language found mostly on WWII message boards and DOD forums. But what I can make out is if you click on the link for Einhörner (LOL, they're called "one horners" in Deutsch), you get a bunch of pictures of unicorns from around the internet.
The name of the blog alone is so powerful, as it contains two of my favorite things and one of my most feared things. I'll let you sort out which is which.
BONUS: The website even has zombie images!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Obama's State of the Zombie Union Address
It has been a little over a week since President Obama delivered his State of the Union Address, and while he highlighted many of the questions that concern our nation, there is one that he neglected to address: his stance on classic zombies versus fast zombies and what our nation is prepared to do in the face of an impending zombie epidemic. When Obama was campaigning for the U.S. presidency there were greater issues at hand, thus the zombie question was put on the back burner. But Obama has had time enough to make his feelings clear concerning robotics and the need to keep a diligent eye on developments. Furthermore with our economy stabilizing and plans in place to bring troops back from Afghanistan and Iraq, I believe it is time for Obama to fully address the situation, as America is poised to be one of the nations most vulnerable to a zombie epidemic. But since he seems to be busy, I will help by breaking down the issues so that it might provide some clearer guidance with regards to what we should do in a zombie epidemic.
By first identifying the traits of fast zombies versus classic zombies, Obama and other policy makers can formulate a plan to prevent against any outbreaks. I find it a point of contention that anyone would even consider the possibility of fast zombies, but we should leave nothing to chance since a zombie epidemic is nothing to take lightly.
Classic Zombies
Classic zombies are those found in the films of George Romero, such as the original "Night of the Living Dead" and original "Dawn of the Dead." Although they were referred to as ghouls and not zombies in "Night of the Living Dead," for all intents and purposes we will consider them zombies. They consist of the recently deceased (as zombies require a head, decapitated persons cannot turn into zombies) and move at a slow rate owing largely to their decaying muscle mass. They are singularly minded, having a relentless, driving desire to feed on human flesh. They are susceptible to multiple gunshots, single gunshots to the head, extreme blunt force trauma, fire, acid, and anything else that would normally break down human flesh. It is unknown what causes the dead to rise.
Fast Zombies
Fast zombies, or modern zombies, can be found in movies like the "Dawn of the Dead" remake by Zack Snyder and "28 Days Later," and video games like Resident Evil 5 and Left 4 Dead. While some of these media do not technically contain zombies, for all intents and purposes we will treat them as zombies. In some cases being bitten, i.e. infected, causes death which then leads to zombification. In other cases, zombification can be caused by viruses inflicted on still-living people. These zombies are highly ambulatory and sometimes are even faster and stronger than they were before becoming zombies. They are pretty much susceptible to the same modes of death as classic zombies.
Depending on which type of zombie is deemed a more likely and impending threat, there are considerable security situations of which to take account. In either case, zombies will multiply rapidly, so it is necessary to take action as soon as any zombie outbreak is identified.
For classic zombies, hospitals will need to take care to make sure that anyone near death is secured in their hospital beds. Morgues and mortuaries will also need to make sure their premises are locked down from the outside. Classic zombies are not intelligent, but a mass of undead could force a weak door open. The military will have to mobilize to maintain order and clean up the mess, as vigilantism will only further exacerbate the situation. A thorough, methodical approach toward containment should stem any outbreak, if caught early on. As all classic zombies are dead, there is no need to capture them alive, and their bodies should be incinerated to prevent the spread of general diseases.
It is much more difficult in the case of fast zombies. An epidemic under these circumstances would spread so quickly that whole urban centers would likely approach a near 100% infection rate within days because of the population density. Therefore it is a necessity that the military be mobilized as quickly as humanly possible to neutralize the zombies. If still in the early stages, the center of the zombie outbreak would have to be quarantined with mass roadblocks being a prudent decision. With their mobility, fast zombies pose the greatest problem in terms of containment, and it is possible that nuclear strikes and carpet bombing might be the only way to exterminate the zombies and prevent them from spreading. Zombification due to viral infection could be reversible, but it is in this writers humble opinion that we let these zombies burn. It is far too risky preserving live, infected undead.
These plans are but suggestions to the Obama administration. There are probably other issues that I haven't addressed that should also be accounted for in a zombie infection. However it should be stressed that no precaution too small should be overlooked when it comes to zombies. Zombies are a serious threat, and if given an opportunity, will spread like a wildfire across the landscape of America if not properly handled with the utmost care. For if so goes the United State, Mexico, Canada, and the rest of the world would truly find themselves screwed.
By first identifying the traits of fast zombies versus classic zombies, Obama and other policy makers can formulate a plan to prevent against any outbreaks. I find it a point of contention that anyone would even consider the possibility of fast zombies, but we should leave nothing to chance since a zombie epidemic is nothing to take lightly.
Classic Zombies
Classic zombies are those found in the films of George Romero, such as the original "Night of the Living Dead" and original "Dawn of the Dead." Although they were referred to as ghouls and not zombies in "Night of the Living Dead," for all intents and purposes we will consider them zombies. They consist of the recently deceased (as zombies require a head, decapitated persons cannot turn into zombies) and move at a slow rate owing largely to their decaying muscle mass. They are singularly minded, having a relentless, driving desire to feed on human flesh. They are susceptible to multiple gunshots, single gunshots to the head, extreme blunt force trauma, fire, acid, and anything else that would normally break down human flesh. It is unknown what causes the dead to rise.
Fast Zombies
Fast zombies, or modern zombies, can be found in movies like the "Dawn of the Dead" remake by Zack Snyder and "28 Days Later," and video games like Resident Evil 5 and Left 4 Dead. While some of these media do not technically contain zombies, for all intents and purposes we will treat them as zombies. In some cases being bitten, i.e. infected, causes death which then leads to zombification. In other cases, zombification can be caused by viruses inflicted on still-living people. These zombies are highly ambulatory and sometimes are even faster and stronger than they were before becoming zombies. They are pretty much susceptible to the same modes of death as classic zombies.
Depending on which type of zombie is deemed a more likely and impending threat, there are considerable security situations of which to take account. In either case, zombies will multiply rapidly, so it is necessary to take action as soon as any zombie outbreak is identified.
For classic zombies, hospitals will need to take care to make sure that anyone near death is secured in their hospital beds. Morgues and mortuaries will also need to make sure their premises are locked down from the outside. Classic zombies are not intelligent, but a mass of undead could force a weak door open. The military will have to mobilize to maintain order and clean up the mess, as vigilantism will only further exacerbate the situation. A thorough, methodical approach toward containment should stem any outbreak, if caught early on. As all classic zombies are dead, there is no need to capture them alive, and their bodies should be incinerated to prevent the spread of general diseases.
It is much more difficult in the case of fast zombies. An epidemic under these circumstances would spread so quickly that whole urban centers would likely approach a near 100% infection rate within days because of the population density. Therefore it is a necessity that the military be mobilized as quickly as humanly possible to neutralize the zombies. If still in the early stages, the center of the zombie outbreak would have to be quarantined with mass roadblocks being a prudent decision. With their mobility, fast zombies pose the greatest problem in terms of containment, and it is possible that nuclear strikes and carpet bombing might be the only way to exterminate the zombies and prevent them from spreading. Zombification due to viral infection could be reversible, but it is in this writers humble opinion that we let these zombies burn. It is far too risky preserving live, infected undead.
These plans are but suggestions to the Obama administration. There are probably other issues that I haven't addressed that should also be accounted for in a zombie infection. However it should be stressed that no precaution too small should be overlooked when it comes to zombies. Zombies are a serious threat, and if given an opportunity, will spread like a wildfire across the landscape of America if not properly handled with the utmost care. For if so goes the United State, Mexico, Canada, and the rest of the world would truly find themselves screwed.
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