One More Reason Why China Is Awesome

I can name any number of reasons why China is awesome. Nearly 90% of the crap I own is made there. Xiaolongbao (Shanghai dumplings) comes from there. In fact, all Chinese food originated from there. Go figure. But here's one more reason, one more, why China is awesome:

My friend Mrs. Winterbottom got this for me when he visited China. (Or was it Hong Kong? He also got me a menu from a Hong Kong Mos Burger. I guess it was Hong Kong then. Or China and Hong Kong. I guess it's all China now.) This is great in so many ways. First it's Transformers, excuse me, Transmutation Formers Super Fireblast to be accurate. I keep mistaking it for Transformers since the catch phrase is very similar to Transformers' "More than meets the eye"—"More new items available." I love off-brand, repackaged Chinese toys, like this Beyond Experience Super Hero Animation pack I saw at Giant Giant Dollar.

But back to Transmutation Formers Super Fireblast (try saying that five times fast). On the front is a picture of Autobot leader Optimus Prime from Michael Bay's opus "Transformers." But looking closely at the background reveals...

A Naboo fighter! From "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace." So Transmutation Formers Super Fireblast exists in a universe that not only has Michael Bay's Optimus Prime, but also George Lucas' Naboo fighter. But wait, there's more!

The toy is marked as a "First Grade Product," with an additional note at the bottom that says "Future War, the best welcome gifts for the children."

Now what could this mean? Is this toy from a future Bay-Lucas crossover universe of war where these toys are handed out to visiting children? Or does it mean that future wars are the best welcome gift to give visiting children? If anyone has seen the movie "Future War" with all that flannel and cardboard boxes, then you would know that that can't be true.

Now move onto the very corner of the blist pack backing.

It might be hard to read but it shows things not to do, with cryptic Engrish and even more cryptic pictures. "No in mouth." "No to wind." "No aim peoples." Interpreting these is difficult enough, but interpreting them in the context of this toy is even harder. How do I aim this Transmutation Formers Super Fireblast at peoples? I supposed if I pretended it was some sort of future war gun, then I could conceivably aim at someone, but I hardly think that would be dangerous. And what is "No to wind?" Does it mean "wind like a cord?" How would I wind this around someone's neck, let alone their finger?

Off-brand, repackaged Chinese toys are like the greatest Chinese puzzle box you could ever have. It's like playing that game where you point out all the things that are wrong with the picture. I haven't even gotten to the toy, which would appear to be a reproduction of a Gen 1 Bumblebee and a Bayformer shitty Bumblebee in only two colors. That's super cheap. But I've already gotten my money's worth out of it, and will continue to get my money's worth pondering why it is, how it was, who's it when, and how'd it do. This has to be one of the best gifts I've ever gotten from China, so thanks Mrs. Winterbottom.

Whhhy? - Transformers Action Masters

The Transformers toyline was one of the best things to come out of the '80s. Transformers were like action figures and Hot Wheels rolled into one. The ability to convert from one form to another gave them far deeper playability, and made them fairly unique in the toy world. So how did Hasbro carry the franchise into the next decade? They made it so they couldn't transform.

Wha---?

That's right, the Action Masters line of Transformers introduced in 1990 saw many of the familiar Autobots and Decepticons molded into 3 3/4" figures incapable of transforming. Hell, they could barely move. Imagine an even chunkier G.I. Joe with robot features minus 7 out of the 14 moving joints. But how does that still make them Transformers you say? Because even though they had lost the ability to transform (according to the commercial, "exchanged" for increased ability), they could still make little shit that transformed.

For example, Grimlock came with a tank tread Segway that transformed into ... a gun. And Jazz came with a skateboard that transformed into ... a gun. And Devastator (who was also only 3 3/4" tall) came with a scorpion that transformed into ... a gun. Wait a minute, this reminds me of another Transformers toyline: Targetmasters, where robot sidekicks transformed into guns. But wait, even in the Targetmasters line the main figure could transform from a robot to a vehicle and back. I could keep on going down the line: Snarl and his little dinosaur buddy (so even though he can't transform into a dinosaur anymore, they can make an even smaller dinosaur that can still transform ... into a gun?), Blaster and his glider pack, Shockwave and his pet thing, Soundwave and his bird thing (not Buzzsaw or Laserbeak), Sideswipe and his tank tread thing, Tracks and his tank tread thing, Bombshell and his backpack thing, Bumblebee and his backpack thing ... the list goes on. And I'll bet you can't guess what their shit turns into. Okay, I lied, I know that you know exactly what they'll transform into.

On top of that, they somehow made vehicles that transformed into more powerful vehicles that they could ride in. Because, you know, you just can't roll in your super tank 24/7 cuz that shit's just too strong for the rest of the world yo, so you just drop the level and roll in the normal tank like you need to tone that shit down, know what I'm sayin'? Because why would Starscream want to be able to transform into an F-15 Eagle when he could be stuck as a robot piloting his own jet? Transform into a jet ... fit into a jet. Tough decision.

So in what couldn't have been a smarter idea in a toyline whose very name indicates their unique functionality, I ask, why Transformers Action Masters? Whhhy?!

Whhhy? - Tamagoras

Continuing the trend of questionable transforming toys my parents got me and my brother were these strange toys which I recently learned were called Tamagoras, made by Bandai. Mattel eventually brought them over to the US as Meteorbs, and included them as He-Man and She-Ra's buddies along with the rest of the Masters of the Universe characters.

I had Wani (Crocobite in the US), and my brother had Gorira (Gore-illa in the US). Wani was a red crocodile that turned into ... a red egg. He shouldn't be confused with my brother's Gorira which turned into ... a grey egg. Yes, Tamagoras were animals that transformed into eggs. At least that's better than a rock, right? In the American Meteorbs line, they appeared as characters in the Masters of the Universe comic books, more or less as pets.

Here is a picture of Gorira as a gorilla:

And now as an egg:


What's worse was that Gorira was a pain in the ass to fit into his egg. At least Wani folded up pretty neatly. And even more amazingly, Tamagoras is making somewhat of a comeback in Japan, as new Tamagoras were released in November of 2008.

So I ask, why, Tamagoras? Whhhy?!

Whhhy? - Rock Lords

My dad used to go to Japan a lot so he brought back a lot of transforming robots. Most of these were Transformers, but occasionally I'd get GoBots, and on two occasions, Rock Lords. Try to imagine a robot...

that transforms into...

a rock--that's Rock Lords.

Rock Lords were a spin-off from Tonka's GoBots toyline. They were not successful but were still produced for three seasons in the mid 1980s before finally bowing out. I should also mention that the catchiest tagline Tonka could come up with was "Powerful living rocks!"

Gee, I wonder why they weren't popular? Could it be because they transformed into friggin' rocks?! Rock Lords also came with weapons, like guns and axes (which were only usable in their robot forms). For years I found loose Transformers guns that looked like crap. Now I realize they looked like crap because they were actually from Rock Lords.

The two Rock Lords pictured were from my own collection. Boulder (grey one) was the leader of the good Rock Lords and was made of Tungsten. Sunstone (amber one) was from the Jewel Lords line, and he was made of amber. But none of this matters because these toys were dumb. Even Transformers Action Masters, the Transformers line where the Transformers didn't transform but their weapons and vehicles did was better than this. Even "Big"'s transforming building was better than Rock Lords. And it's head wouldn't even stay up!

So I ask, why, Rock Lords? Whhhy?!

The Pitch - Live-Action M.A.S.K.

So one of the reasons I started a blog is so that I can pitch ideas that I want to see happen. Some might be wondering, "Why don't you make these happen?" Well, because they're pretty stupid (I keep the good ones to myself). Besides, if I send out my ideas into the ether that is the internet and some other schmuck goes and makes them happen, then wasn't I really the one responsible for making them happen because it was my idea and I put it out there in the first place?
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Some of my friends say it can't be done. Some say we're not technologically advanced enough to shoot it, or that it's simply unshootable on a budget, or that there's zero interest in the property. But I don't believe that, and neither should you. In my lifetime, there could be, should be, needs to be a live-action M.A.S.K. movie. I'm not talking about that movie with Eric Stoltz where he has the genetic defect that causes his facial bones to grow imprisoning him in a figurative and literal mask. I'm talking about M.A.S.K., Mobile Armored Strike Kommand. Dudes wearing masks. With powers. And vehicles that transform. Into other vehicles.

M.A.S.K. was a watershed animated children's program and toyline in the mid-1980s. It combined elements of the highly popular G.I. Joe and Transformers franchises. The program's storyline followed an anti-criminal organization, M.A.S.K., as they crossed paths with an evil organization, V.E.N.O.M. (Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem).

The main draw of the series were their transforming vehicles and power bestowing masks. Vehicles and headquarters could generally assume both a normal form, and an enhanced combat form. For instance, the Gator was an orange Jeep 4x4 that had the ability to deploy a hydroplane, and the Switchblade was a helicopter that could transform into a jet. Furthermore, every vehicle was accompanied by a figure who in turn came with a unique mask that granted him or her various abilities, such as Dusty Hayes(packaged with the aforementioned Gator) whose Backlash mask "pretend[ed] to cause sonic waves." Another character, Cliff Dagger, came with a mask that "pretend[ed] to be a flame thrower." The toyline proved to be popular, although the program was short-lived, only lasting 75 episodes over two seasons.

So naturally, following the success of the live-action Transformers and G.I. Joe films, Hollywood would be jumping on the M.A.S.K. bandwagon, right? Wrong. As far as I know, there are no scripts in development. No buzz about whose going to play Matt Trakker. Nada. So what's the problem? Let's break it down.

Not technologically advanced enough
Now this clearly isn't the problem. Michael Bay has demonstrated that there's nothing you can't do with CG given the budget and the time that when loaded with explosions and devoid of logic won't be a bonafide blockbuster. And James Cameron has pushed the envelope even further, creating whole computer generated worlds in 3-D no less. So it would appear that technology is not the culprit preventing me from seeing people wearing masks pretending to cause sonic waves and pretending to shoot flames at each other.

Unshootable on a budget
Perhaps this one is debatable, and also goes hand in hand with argument three. Again referring to Michael Bay's Transformers and Stephen Sommers' G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, we see a conservative approach used to deliver a movie under budget that still manages to wow the audience. By carefully choosing to depict a smaller amount of the popular core characters, and cost-effective hiring of young-not-yet-star actors, both Sommers and Bay were able to free up a larger percentage of their budget for special effects. M.A.S.K. could easily copy this formula, choosing to stick with the main core characters from the first wave of toys while holding off on the new second wave characters until the possible sequel. (I don't think Jacques LaFleur would be missed.)

There's zero interest in the property
Now this clearly is not true. I'm interested in the property. At least one other fan whose site I referenced to write this article is interested in the property. So there are people out there who have their eye on the situation waiting to see what happens. And as Field of Dreams said, "If you build it, they will come." So why then hasn't Hollywood struck while the '80s toyline revival iron is hot?

M.A.S.K.'s second season and the French
Okay. I'll admit it. The second season of M.A.S.K. was a dumb idea. In the second season, the show venue moved to the automobile race track. The same characters were there. Both factions remained present. Only now everything was racing themed, so as to coincide with the release of the third wave of toys which were all racing themed. Did any of this make sense? No, and perhaps that is a reason why Hollywood is reluctant to produce a feature length movie.

Then there's also DIC Entertainment, the French-American company that produced the show, and let's face it--Americans don't like the French. So there's a love-hate relationship with this Franco-American lovechild, and nobody wants to argue with the French for custody. So there you have the most compelling reason why an intellectually bankrupt Hollywood hasn't come sniffing around M.A.S.K.'s rear end for a chance at a most likely blockbuster hit. But if there are any Hollywood executives out there reading this, you should jump on this now. I'm telling you it's a done deal. You've got at least two tickets sold by the second week of opening, that's like -$0.46 after cost, so as long the budget is at least under -$0.46, you'll cut a profit. Heck, if it's really bad, I may just see it twice, and bring my friends along for the wreck. As long as it doesn't actually involve any of season two's car wrecks.