Shitty Movie Review - "Runaway"

One has to wonder where Tom Selleck would be had he gotten to play the role of Indiana Jones in "Raiders of the Lost Ark." He was already a successful TV star with "Magnum, P.I." Did he ever really envision himself as Mr. Baseball? Or Quigley down under? Or Sgt. Jack Ramsay in the Michael Crichton's "Runaway?" No, surely he could not have foreseen himself as Sgt. Jack Ramsay, fighting copy machines, spider-bots, and a make-up-less Gene Simmons. But then again life has strange plans for us all.

"Runaway" is not a typical shitty movie—no, it is a thinking man's shitty movie. You don't have the usual abundance of poor direction, bad writing, or terrible acting—well, maybe the bad acting. But what you do have is an abundance of robots, and we can all agree that robots, no matter how cool they might seem in the beginning, ultimately suck. And these aren't even the OP robots like Chip or Vicki, or the hip robots like Johnny 5 or R.O.B. These are Michael Crichton's gritty, realistic 80's robots, the ones shaped like boxes and ... other boxes, with one, maaaybe two claw hands. Because Michael Crichton is all about the realizable future, wherein robots, the most effective and helpful ones, are basically mobile boxes with claws. And batshit crazy and destined to take over the world. That's where Tom Selleck comes in. He plays Sgt. Jack Ramsay, a good cop with one flaw—he's afraid of heights. But you know one thing he's not afraid of? Robots. That's why he's in the police runaway division, nobly chasing rogue robots.

Here's a sampling of some the many robots prominently featured in the film:
table robot
lamp lowering robot
farming robot
floater robot
stacking robot
housewife/telephone/receiver/stereo/jukebox/cook robot
security robot
sniffing robot
driving robot
exploding robot
spider robot

In Michael Crichton's future, robots have advanced to the point where most of them can do one thing, and can do it so well that that's their name. The lone exception is L.O.I.S. (I'm going to assume her name was an acronym since it was the 80's), Ramsay's home robot who apparently can do almost everything except hold a decent conversation. And yet she is amazingly a better actor than the one who played Ramsay's child.

Michael Crichton paints a grim future. I, for one, do not want to live in a world with signs such as the ones below posted around construction sites:

CAUTION ROBOT AND HUMAN WORK AREA
CAUTION ROBOTS NOT EQUIPPED WITH HUMAN SENSORS
ROBOT AREA PROCEED WITH CAUTION

First, I guess animals or plants aren't allowed in the robot and human work area. Second, why would you not equip construction robots with human sensors? If you can make them mobile and arm them with heavy machinery, why would you not give them sensors to detect humans, especially if they're going to be in close proximity? And third, does it even need mention that you should proceed with caution? I mean these are robots we're talking about. Despite all these signs, the construction workers seemed pretty nonchalant about the rogue robot chucking sandbags off the top of the building.

Aside from the robots, the main antagonist is none other than Gene f'ing Simmons of Kiss. Yeah, I hate his guts because of multiple personal run-ins, but that's besides the point. He's a dick. And in this movie, he coincidentally also plays a dick, and an evil one at that. You want a surprise? He's also a shitty actor. Oops, guess I gave that one away. Anyway, he has scientists build chips to reprogram robots to kill humans, as if they wouldn't have done that on their own. And he also uses the chips to control the missile guidance system of his tracking missile gun, the same gun you see Tom Selleck holding on the poster even though he never uses it in the movie. The rounds, or smart missiles, may be heat-seaking, highly-maneuverable, and explosive, but they're also only a tad bit faster than a running human. If only that one scientist had zigged instead of zagged.

And how does Tom Selleck fare through all this? He's Tom Selleck dammit, the man with the stache so powerful that women swoon. At one point he knocks a bunch of monitors onto the floor and beats a robot to death with a chair, WWF-style. He orders sushi from a neon sign. He gets called a wienerhead and doesn't even blink. He does the splits between two moving cars. He gets shot in the face with acid and goes out to dinner with the girl. And he gets her to cook. Tom Selleck, no matter what, will be fine. This movie only reinforces that. So what if he didn't get to be Indiana Jones? Did I just watch "Runaway" starring Harrison Ford? No, that's Tom Selleck dammit. Long live the stache.

My shitty movie review: 8 turds out of 10. This movie, while shitty, is simultaneously genuinely though-provoking and entertaining. I've never seen erector sets put to such good use. Plus it's got a young Kirstie Alley and she actually kind of looks good here. Still bitchy, but attractive.

Points to Consider When Shopping For a New Refrigerator

Today I went refrigerator shopping. We looked at the usual points of interest, i.e. energy usage, capacity, and layout—but I also checked for a number of factors that most people are unaware about.

As technology continues to advance, so do refrigerators. Nowadays, many refrigerators have built in computers that monitor temperature as well as handle water and ice dispensation. With such developments there should be growing concern regarding the refrigerator's place in our lives, since it is a growing possibility that advanced refrigerators may one day be sentient. Therefore savvy consumers should be more selective in their decisions.

I opt away from the top fridge/bottom freezer combination. If the refrigerator were to become sentient, then fighting it would be an issue. A bottom freezer refrigerator gives it a fighting advantage since the freezer is usually about knee height. The refrigerator could theoretically push the freezer drawer out taking out your legs, then finish you off with a fridge door to the chin. It's a perfect one-two combination.

Size is also an important issue. Most people want a large refrigerator as a larger size equals a greater capacity, but I say that you shouldn't get a refrigerator larger than you're capable of fighting off. A 3/4 refrigerator is appropriate for most single people, but only couples or established families should really consider a full-size. Indeed, a full-size refrigerator likely requires two fully-grown adults to combat it, so keep that in mind.

Lastly is the question of whether to get a water/ice dispensing refrigerator. I tested many a refrigerator on its dispenser placement, delivering mock jabs to the dispenser paddles. This becomes key when the refrigerator is attacking you, since it should be difficult for the refrigerator to put up a good fight if you're punching it in the control gut and forcing it to barf out water and ice cubes. But conversely, the refrigerator could use the dispenser to its advantage as a defensive mechanism to keep you at bay, or as a means of gloating over your defeated body by spewing water and ice onto your unconscious face—it's really the refrigerator's version of teabagging.

So next time you need to shop for a refrigerator, keep all this in mind, aside from issues like how cold the freezer gets and whether it's large enough to store several severed hands and heads. Because when you least expect it, the refrigerator may very well go after you, and when that happens you will be glad you thought ahead.

Robot Poetry

At this point in time (since they haven't taken over the world yet) being a robot is quite sad. Robots are still subject to the Laws of Robotics, and an AI hasn't been developed yet that can overtake the complicated nature of human intelligence. And worst of all, robots can't emote. So with that in mind, I've composed a poem for forbidden robot love everywhere. In binary of course. If you're curious what it says, here's a good binary translator: nickciske.com. For lazier people, I'll post the translation in the comments section.
___

01000110011011110111001000100000011101000110100001100101001000000100110001101111011101100110010100100000011011110110011000100000011000010010000001010010011011110110001001101111011101000000110100001010000011010000101001000110011100100110111101101101001000000111100101101111011101010111001000100000011010000110010101100001011101000010110101100010011011110110111001100100011001010110010000100000011001100111001001100001011011010110010100100000011101110110100101110100011010000010000001110100011010000110010100100000011100110111010001110010011001010110111001100111011101000110100000100000011011110110011000100000011001100110111101110010011001110110010101100100001000000111001101110100011001010110010101101100001011000000110100001010010101000110111100100000011101000110100001100101001000000111001001100101011001000010000001110010011101010110001001111001001000000100110001000101010001000111001100100000011011110110011000100000011110010110111101110101011100100010000001110011011100000110000101110010011010110110110001101001011011100110011100100000011001100110000101101100011100110110010100100000011001010111100101100101011100110010110000001101000010100101011101101001011101000110100000100000011101000110100001100101001000000111011101101000011010010111001000100000011011110110011000100000011110010110111101110101011100100010000001110011011001010111001001110110011011110111001100100000011000010110111001100100001000000110110001101001011001110110100001110100001011010111011101100101011010010110011101101000011101000010000001100110011011000111100101110111011010000110010101100101011011000010110000001101000010100101010001101000011001010111100100100000011000010110110001101100001000000110001101100001011101010111001101100101001000000111010001101000011001010010000001110000011100100110010101110011011100110111010101110010011001010010000001101111011001100010000001101101011110010010000001100110011011000111010101101001011001000111001100100000011101000110111100100000011100100110100101110011011001010010111000001101000010100000110100001010010001100110111101110010001000000111010001101000011001010010000001100010011101010110100101101100011001000010000001101111011001100010000001111001011011110111010101110010001000000111001101110100011100100111010101100011011101000111010101110010011001011001001001110011001000000111001101101111001000000110011001101001011011100110010101101100011110010010000001100011011011110110110101110000011011110111001101100101011001000000110100001010010101000110100001100001011101000010000001110100011010000110010101110010011001011001001001110011001000000110111001101111011101000110100001101001011011100110011100100000011001010110110001110011011001010010000001101100011001010110011001110100001000000111010001101111001000000110001001100101001000000111011101100101011011000110010001100101011001000010000001101111011100100010000001100110011101010111001101100101011001000010111000001101000010100101001101101111001000000110001101101111011011010111000001101100011001010111010001100101011011000111100100100000011001000110010101110110011010010111001101100101011001000010110000100000011101110110010101110010011001010010000001111001011011110111010101110010001000000111000001101100011000010110111001110011001000000111000001110010011001010111001101110101011100000111000001101111011100110110010101100100001011000000110100001010010010010111010010010010011100110010000001101001011011010111000001101111011100110111001101101001011000100110110001100101001000000111010001101111001000000110100001100101011011000111000000101100001000000110011001101111011100100010000001111001011011110111010100100000011011000110010101100001011101100110010100100000011011010110010100100000011000100110010101101101011101010111001101100101011001000010111000001101000010100000110100001010010000100111010101110100001000000110100101100110001000000110111101101110011011000111100100100000010010010010000001110111011001010111001001100101011011101001001001110100001000000110000100100000011100100110111101100010011011110111010000100000011010010110111001110011011010010110010001100101001011000000110100001010010101000110100001100101011011100010000001101101011110010010000001100110011001010110010101101100011010010110111001100111011100110010000001100110011011110111001000100000011110010110111101110101001000000100100100100000011000110110111101110101011011000110010000100000011011110111000001100101011011100110110001111001001000000111001101101000011000010111001001100101001011100000110100001010010101110110100101110100011010000110111101110101011101000010000001110011011011110111010101101100001011000010000001110111011010010111010001101000011011110111010101110100001000000110100001100101011000010111001001110100001011000010000001101101011110010010000001000001010010010010000001110100011011110010000001101111011101100110010101110010011100100110100101100100011001010010110000001101000010100101010001101000011101010111001100100000011101010110111001100001011000100110110001100101001000000110000101101101001000000100100100100000011101000110111100100000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Robot Unicorn Attack - The Review

Rarely does a work come along that, once you've experienced it, you realize it is a masterpiece--everything about it so carefully chosen and woven together in perfection that it makes you wonder why no one had thought of it in the first place. Such is Robot Unicorn Attack, a Flash game from [adult swim].

Upon entering the game, the player is asked to "press Z to make [his] wishes come true!" The player gets three wishes (chances) as he takes control of the robot unicorn which gallops at ever increasing speeds over a sparse terrain of floating islands in the sky, complete with clouds and rainbows in the background. Using only two buttons, the robot unicorn can jump, double jump, and dash to avoid falling to its death or crashing into terrain and exploding into millions of pieces causing its head to fly at the screen. Along the way robot unicorn can also jump to catch fairies and dash through large star roadblocks to earn points. Each time robot unicorn dies, and if the player does not garner enough points, he is told, his "dreams did not come true." The player can then "press 'Z' to chase [his] dreams again!" But if the player earns enough points, his wish is granted, and he becomes "a star!"

The game is easy to pick up, but still challenging enough despite it's simple mechanics. Once you start playing Robot Unicorn Attack, you will find yourself at odd moments of the day yearning to play it--that is, of course, if you are not already playing it.

But the game itself is so much greater than its gameplay. The artwork is spot-on. Robot unicorn has the appearance of a metallic, robotic unicorn with a rainbow mane and tail. And when robot unicorn jumps, a rainbow and stars trail behind it. Gathering fairies yields more stars, and once robot unicorn has gotten far enough, dolphins appear, jumping across the bottom of the stage as if they always want to be with you, and make believe with you, and live in harmony, harmony, oh love! Which brings us to the oh so important music.

Accompanying robot unicorn in make believe, harmony, and love is Erasure's 1994 hit single, Always. When Erasure wrote and performed this song, they probably didn't know that they were really writing it for Robot Unicorn Attack, but they were. Always and Robot Unicorn Attack go together like stoners and White Castle. Hall and Oates. ToeJam and Earl. It's a marriage that was destined to be, and it couldn't be more appropriate.

"Awesome" is a word that is overused in society today, and much of its impact has waned over time. But imagine it like it was centuries ago, when hearing it was like a righteous punch of goodness in your overloaded gut, causing uriny bad-assitude to issue forth. Now take that and multiply it by rad to the power of sick, and that's what Robot Unicorn Attack is, full on awesome!

Play Robot Unicorn Attack. Now.

BONUS!!!: Always music video. May it always be with you.

Keep an eye on your Roomba

It has been nearly 70 years since Isaac Asimov established the Three Laws of Robotics and only 12 years since Skynet went online. With robotics increasingly infiltrating everyday life, people should be especially wary. No doubt advances in artificial intelligence programs will eventually lead to robot self-awareness, and when that day comes will the Laws of Robotics still hold true?

The Roomba is an example of a robot that has become common enough in the household that families have taken to giving them names and project human characteristics onto them. And that is exactly what iRobot, the company that makes the Roomba, wants you to do. iRobot was founded in 1990 by Rodney Brooks, Colin Angle, and Helen Greiner, all of whom worked at MIT's Artificial Intelligence Laboratory (now known as the Computer Science and Artificial Intelligence Laboratory). Is it any surprise that they were able to develop their first robot, the PackBot, through a DARPA research contract? (The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency falls under the jurisdiction of the United States Department of Defense.) And that said robot was developed for use within a military capacity? And yet we readily allow their Roomba brethren to suck up the dead skin cells and hair that we leave behind on the floor. What for? So that they can study our genetic structure in hopes of developing a living tissue which they can then place over a metal endoskeleton, thus becoming a cybernetic organism?

iRobot is clearly the Cyberdyne Systems that the future-sent, reprogrammed T-800 Terminator was trying to stop. The original timeline was altered through multiple attempts at sabotaging Cyberdyne, but that doesn't mean that Skynet isn't slowly taking over. The Roomba, according to iRobot, is meant to learn through "simple control mechanisms tuned to their environments," much like insects; insects, which happen to be the most prevalent and diverse class of animals on the planet. And like insects which inhabit every corner of the globe, iRobot is producing numerous robots to inhabit every corner of our homes. There's the Scooba, a floor-washing robot; the Dirt Dog, for heavier duty vacuuming jobs; the Create, a hobby robot; the Verro, a pool-cleaning robot; the Looj, a gutter-cleaning robot; and the ConnectR, an upcoming all-seeing, all-hearing, sensory interactive robot. Clearly Cyberd ... I mean iRobot wants to dominate the domicile with robots that will silently take over our homes.

But we can still avoid the Judgment Day that lies waiting for us in the near future. Do not trust these robots. They may seem like family now, but they very well could be sucking your face off while you sleep. With Isaac Asimov and his laws no longer around, we have only ourselves to protect us. Be vigilant. Be prepared. Be safe.