Ghost Curse

I have spent a great deal of time reading ghost stories and studying ghosts, so I don't think it's too much to assume that a lot of hauntings result from traumatic deaths. Yet it's interesting in many hauntings how mundane most ghost sightings are. Even battlefield ghosts tend to be seen and not heard, and generally the sound of fighting is somewhat nondescript. What amazes me though, is how little you hear about angry, cursing ghosts. Angry ghosts are fairly common, but not particularly cursing. If I was fighting for my life, I'd probably be cursing.

Some might argue it's a difference in eras. Most history would have you believe that people were more genital (Ed. note: I originally mis-wrote this as "gentile," when I meant "genteel," so I decided to correct it as "genital" because, hell, what the hey?) in times past, but I don't believe that to always be the case. The American western frontier was occupied by many single men, and wherever there are single men, there is cursing. And there were enough gun fights resulting in fatalities that there should be angry, cursing, ghostly gunmen.

Perhaps the ghosts didn't know they were going to die and weren't prepared to swear. While possible, that couldn't always be the case. A gangster getting gunned down by G-men would most certainly know what was coming. And I don't think he'd have very kind words in that situation.

It'll be interesting to see if future ghosts take on more of the attitude of this era—and I wouldn't see why not considering that if someone dies now, they will always be from this time. That being the case, maybe there will be more swearing ghosts. Just once I'd like to read about a ghost that yells out "motherfudger."

Naked Ghost Defense

A very good defense against ghosts, and I don’t think many people have explored this, is being naked. Think about it. How many ghosts stories include the words “while I was naked,” or variations thereof? I’ve only heard of one such case, and that was a dwarf ghost that haunted this hotel room and liked to watch couples have sex. Perhaps it would be best to clarify then, that nakedness is an excellent defense against ghosts, unless of course you are dealing with a perverted ghost. For that, I can offer you no other words of advice other than to be careful about where and when you get naked.

In addition, nakedness can also be a very good defense against lots of other things, like some people and skittish creatures.

Heaven's Crowded, Yo

Sometimes I wonder about the plausibility of an afterlife that in any way mimics life on Earth. A lot of religions presume that everyone should be happy in heaven, but that's really pushing certain limits. An over-crowded place or an under-crowded place might not be the most satisfying eternity, so aside from population capacity issues, what about the transplantation of earthly relationships--for instance multiple marriages?

Perhaps there are those cases in the afterlife where the first wife really does approve of the second wife. But what about all those other instances, particularly with multiple remarriages for widows and widowers? It's hard to imagine everyone getting along under those circumstances. Although I can imagine the cattiness.

WIFE #1
And you did what with her? In our bed?

HUSBAND
To be fair, you were dead. And I didn't do anything for at least half a year.

WIFE #2
You're angry? This bastard remarried after he said he'd never love anyone more than me.

WIFE #3
I can't believe you were married to her.

WIFE #2
You bitch! At least I'm not a fat ass like you!

WIFE #1
You shouldn't be talking you whore.

HUSBAND
I'm just gonna...

And the husband slinks away.

Granted in all likelihood any one of these individuals wouldn't pass the rigorous qualifications it might take to get into heaven, but if they all did, could they really all be happy together? Even if they were all good people, that's a lot of minding your P's and Q's. It sounds like more potential for a hellish nightmare than bliss.

And what about all those friends and family that you liked when you were alive? I know I have lots of relatives of whom I am very fond. But I also know some of them are cranks who just want their peace and quiet. If any of them got into heaven, I don't think their idea of happiness would be the same as mine. I can imagine what they'd say: "You might like me a lot but I like you maybe not so much." That would't make me so happy.

Hopefully the afterlife is like a giant fishbowl, where we're all like little sperm just floating around. No all-happy or all-sad. If you bump into someone, you bump into someone. Have a chat and float along. That would be pretty cool. Being sperm.

Try not to go to the bathroom or have sex if a loved one is in transit on a road or plane trip

It might seem like a very difficult thing to do, but restrain yourself. Although it is very unlikely, there is still the slightest chance that your loved one could die in a tragic accident en route to their destination. In such cases, some family members have reported spiritual (paranormal) activity coinciding at the time of death of their loved ones involved in traumatic accidents. This includes phantom phone calls, cool breezes, and sometimes even spectral appearances.

That being the case, not going to the bathroom or having sex at the time of your loved one's death affords his or her spirit a better chance to visit you one last time as a ghost. Given that not much is known about the afterlife, it is possible that there is only a very brief window of opportunity in which they can appear to you. Generally, people try to avoid encounters in uncomfortable situations, and with the dead, as former people, it can be assumed that they, too, would also do so. Therefore it would be prudent to spend a minimal amount of time engaging in private activities in order to maximize the opportunity for your deceased loved one to visit you. I am sure that you would feel deep regret if you learned that your loved one accidentally died while you were dropping a load, as clearly your loved one, rather than shock and embarrass you in your state, opted instead to continue with his or her trip.

So if you can manage it, avoiding physical urges could mean one more chance for a dearly deceased friend or relative to offer one last goodbye and farewell as they move on to the next plane of existence. And something like that really shouldn't be missed.