Showing posts with label retro. Show all posts
Showing posts with label retro. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

One More Reason Why China Is Awesome

I can name any number of reasons why China is awesome. Nearly 90% of the crap I own is made there. Xiaolongbao (Shanghai dumplings) comes from there. In fact, all Chinese food originated from there. Go figure. But here's one more reason, one more, why China is awesome:
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My friend Mrs. Winterbottom got this for me when he visited China. (Or was it Hong Kong? He also got me a menu from a Hong Kong Mos Burger. I guess it was Hong Kong then. Or China and Hong Kong. I guess it's all China now.) This is great in so many ways. First it's Transformers, excuse me, Transmutation Formers Super Fireblast to be accurate. I keep mistaking it for Transformers since the catch phrase is very similar to Transformers' "More than meets the eye"—"More new items available." I love off-brand, repackaged Chinese toys, like this Beyond Experience Super Hero Animation pack I saw at Giant Giant Dollar.
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But back to Transmutation Formers Super Fireblast (try saying that five times fast). On the front is a picture of Autobot leader Optimus Prime from Michael Bay's opus "Transformers." But looking closely at the background reveals...
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A Naboo fighter! From "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace." So Transmutation Formers Super Fireblast exists in a universe that not only has Michael Bay's Optimus Prime, but also George Lucas' Naboo fighter. But wait, there's more!

The toy is marked as a "First Grade Product," with an additional note at the bottom that says "Future War, the best welcome gifts for the children."
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Now what could this mean? Is this toy from a future Bay-Lucas crossover universe of war where these toys are handed out to visiting children? Or does it mean that future wars are the best welcome gift to give visiting children? If anyone has seen the movie "Future War" with all that flannel and cardboard boxes, then you would know that that can't be true.

Now move onto the very corner of the blist pack backing.
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It might be hard to read but it shows things not to do, with cryptic Engrish and even more cryptic pictures. "No in mouth." "No to wind." "No aim peoples." Interpreting these is difficult enough, but interpreting them in the context of this toy is even harder. How do I aim this Transmutation Formers Super Fireblast at peoples? I supposed if I pretended it was some sort of future war gun, then I could conceivably aim at someone, but I hardly think that would be dangerous. And what is "No to wind?" Does it mean "wind like a cord?" How would I wind this around someone's neck, let alone their finger?

Off-brand, repackaged Chinese toys are like the greatest Chinese puzzle box you could ever have. It's like playing that game where you point out all the things that are wrong with the picture. I haven't even gotten to the toy, which would appear to be a reproduction of a Gen 1 Bumblebee and a Bayformer shitty Bumblebee in only two colors. That's super cheap. But I've already gotten my money's worth out of it, and will continue to get my money's worth pondering why it is, how it was, who's it when, and how'd it do. This has to be one of the best gifts I've ever gotten from China, so thanks Mrs. Winterbottom.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Wrestling: Fact or Fiction Answers

Here are the answers to last week's quiz. How did you do?

1. Barber - True

Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake would shave his opponents heads.

2. Astronaut - False

There hasn't been an astronaut wrestler yet in WWE, but never say never.

3. Tax Man - True

Irwin R. Shyster (I.R.S.) was a strong technical wrestler who teamed up with "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase to form Money Inc.

4. Artist - False

I think it's time that the WWE had an artist wrestler.

5. Turkey - True

Hector Guerrero, uncle of Eddie and Chavo Guerrero, appeared as a turkey named Gobbledy Gooker in the 1990 Survivor Series.

6. Pirate - True

Carl Ouellet assumed a pirate gimmick as Jean-Pierre LaFitte. Much later, Paul Burchill capitalized on the popularity of "The Pirates of the Caribbean" movies as an Englishman who believed himself to be descended from pirates who amazingly dressed just like Johnny Depp.

7. Mountie - True

The Mountie was forced to relinquish this gimmick at the behest of the Canadian government because they were worried it would undermine actual mounties' authority.

8. Retard - True

The WWE thought it would be a great idea to introduce a throwback wrestler, and then came up with Eugene, a retarded man who imitated the moves of classic wrestlers.

9. Clown - True

Doink the Clown would eventually be accompanied to the ring with a midget clown wrestler named Dink.

10. Architect - False

Sadly, no wrestler has assumed the mighty gimmick of an architect.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Rockford vs. Magnum

rockfordmagnum
Since this season of television has come to a close, I've been looking for alternatives to fill the void. Thanks to Netflix, I can stream a slew of television programs into my room, so I recently started watching "The Rockford Files." I figured since the show was a forerunner to "Magnum, P.I.," I would like it. I had watched nearly the entire run of "Magnum, P.I." a few months ago and enjoyed it immensely.

While watching the inaugural season of "The Rockford Files," I noticed some striking similarities and differences with the two shows, and thought it would be fun to share them here.

SIMILARITIES
- Both Jim Rockford and Thomas Magnum are extremely likable characters in spite of their foibles.
-Although both are self employed detectives, neither makes much money from their cases. In Rockford's case, I don't recall if I ever saw him get paid his $200 a day plus expenses.
- Both shows have memorable instrumental theme songs.
- Both characters are strongly identified with iconic cars: Rockford with his Pontiac Firebird Esprit, and Magnum with Robin Masters' Ferrari 308 GTS.
- Both rely heavily on help from their friends, arguably to the point where they wouldn't have been able to break a case if it weren't for help.
- Both have somewhat dark backstories: Rockford with his prison time, and Magnum with the Vietnam War.
- The backdrops for each show, Los Angeles for Rockford and Hawaii for Magnum, are characters themselves.
- Both dislike using guns.

DIFFERENCES
- While Magnum enjoys the digs of Robin's Nest, Rockford lives in a mobile home in a Malibu Beach parking lot.
- Both get involved in cases that involve attractive women, but Rockford is far more successful at closing the deal.
- With his Navy background, Magnum is a slightly more effective fighter than Rockford. Rockford seems to get beat up or knocked out in every episode.
- Rockford gets taken for rides, both literally and figuratively far more than Magnum does.
- Jim Rockford is clean-shaven, while Thomas Magnum sports a manly mustache.

It's also interesting to note how different Rockford is in the movie pilot. The movie is the only time I remember him not getting beat up. In fact, he completely outsmarts the muscle-bound bad guy in the men's room. He also shoots down a single-engine plane with a revolver—a magic revolver that shoots more than six shots without reloading. So clearly they had to nerf him. But with Magnum, they countered his weaknesses with one of the manliest mustaches since Sam Elliot. I think that gives him a one-up on Rockford.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Wrestling: Fact or Fiction

In the vein of "Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction," I'm going to present several professional wrestling gimmicks from the WWE. Some will be fact and some will be fiction, and it's your job to figure out which are which. For some of you this will be pretty easy, but for others it will be ridiculous. Post your answers (fact/fiction) in the comments section. Answers will follow next week.
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1. Barber

The Barber would shave the heads of his opponents after defeating them. He hosted a segment called the "Barber Shop" where he would interview fellow wrestlers in a barber shop set in the ring.

2. Astronaut

The Astronaut would walk to the ring in a NASA spacesuit. He was prone to monologuing in overly dramatic fashion about returning to Earth, despite already being here. His finishing move was known as the "Final Countdown."

3. Tax Man

The Tax Man wore glasses, a short-sleeved dress shirt with suspenders and dark dress slacks. His theme song was the sound of typing with a carriage return. His finishing move was called the "Stock Market Crash."

4. Artist

The Artist would come to the ring with various art tools, like brushes and an easel. After defeating his opponents, he would often paint a quick, sloppy portrait of them. He hosted a segment called the "Artist's Corner," where he would interview wrestlers while he painted, often badly.

5. Turkey

For weeks, fans wondered what was in the giant egg that was spotlighted in weekly episodes, when finally it hatched and out a came ... a giant Turkey. The Turkey walked to the ring and danced around ... and was subsequently never heard from again until years later when he showed up in a battle royale.

6. Pirate

The rotund Pirate was French and a descendant of pirates. He came complete with an eye patch over his glass eye. His finishing move was called "Le Cannonball."

7. Mountie

The Mountie wore a typical mountie uniform. Instead of enforcing the general law, he enforced his own as he saw fit. Thus, he wasn't really a good guy. His theme song, which he sang, mentioned that "he always got his man."

8. Retard

The Retard was a thirty-year-old man with the mind of a child. Despite this, they let him wrestle. In the ring, he would imitate the moves of his favorite wrestlers.

9. Clown

The Clown was dressed in colorful garb with bright green hair and a red nose. His entrance music was stereotypical clown music, with slide whistles. His finishing move was called the "Whoopie Cushion."


10. Architect

The Architect originally designed houses for wealthy wrestling heels. He would usually accompany them to the ring like a manager, standing outside the ring while pounding his fist on the mat and pointing at blueprints. He only wrestled a handful of times, and had a finisher called the "Flying Buttress."
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And here's one gimmick I couldn't make up even if I wanted to. Enjoy this classic moment in wrestling: the Shockmaster. You'll have to watch till the end for the payoff.

Friday, May 21, 2010

The New "A-Team"

The A Team movie poster
I was going to bring this up a while back, but there's a few things that bother me about what I've seen in the new "A-Team" movie trailer, and it's not the lack of Mr. T. In the current trailer, B.A. Barracus, played by MMA fighter Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, hums the "A-Team" television theme song. Now is this meta, or just stupid? I lean toward stupid, not knowing what the context is. But even with a reasonable setup, I don't understand why you would do something like that. Did the filmmakers think that would be a funny nod to the original show? Like how it's funny to show the van get crushed? Because that wasn't funny at all. In fact that kind of pissed me off. It's like blowing up the General Lee. The van was the fifth A-Team member before they added characters in the fifth season. Crushing it is like killing off Face or Murdock.

Also, while watching the trailer, I lamented the fact that they would likely forgo the use of old style AK-47s and M-16s. I also wondered how many people were not going to die in this movie. If you watched the original show, you'd understand.

And lastly, who designed the poster? Up until this poster, I considered "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" to have the worst poster of the last year. A giant Sarah Jessica Parker horse-face plastered across anything is not the best way to sell a product. But this one has set new standards. What's going on with the contrast? Why are these guys getting blasted by the sun? Couldn't they powder their noses, I'm actually blinded by this poster. What kind of cameraman couldn't fit their faces into frame? And did they go and add more wrinkles? These guys are so high-def, you can practically climb into their pores. And so much hair. Instead of Hannibal, Face, B.A., and Murdock, they should call them Beard, Beard, Mohawk, and Stubble.

In the end, I will still see the movie, but for much more different reasons than being fond of the original show. I hope it's the train wreck that I'm looking forward to seeing. If it's not, I might just have to bust out the old AK and not hit anything until I'm just close enough to punch somebody out.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Whhhy? - James Bond Jr.


Cartoons don't have to make sense. That's one the advantages to the medium. But it bothers me when the creators simply insult the intelligence of their audience. Thinking about James Bond Jr. hurts my brain. I know it's been discussed to no end, but I thought I'd give it a try. I'm not even going to bother with the content of the show, and will stick solely to the opening theme. Here are the lyrics:

Bond! James Bond Junior
No one can stop him, but SCUM always trys
Young Bond cuts through each web of spies!
He learned the game from his uncle James
Now he's heir to the name... James Bond!
James Bond Jr.!

Look out he's coming through
He's got a job to do
While he rescues the girl
James Bond Junior chases SCUM...
...Around the world!

Of course the elephant in the room is why James Bond Jr. is named James Bond Jr. when he's James Bond's nephew. (From hereafter I'll refer to Uncle Bond as "007" and Jr. as "Junior" to make things clearer.) This pissed off anyone who's seen the show, including children and babies. Yes, babies. The most commonly held theory on why he's "heir to the name" is that his father, 007's brother, is also named James Bond. This would be stupid of course, unless their father was an ass much like how George Foreman named all his children "George" or variations thereof. But I'd like to propose a few alternate theories. Maybe it's not 007's brother, but sister who married another James Bond. The name can't be that uncommon, especially when out of all spies, James Bond is probably the most famous. My other theory is that when the song says that 007 is Junior's Uncle that means that Junior is not necessarily 007's nephew, but his "nephew." 007 hooks up with a lot of chicks. It's not entirely unfathomable that he could have hooked up with his brother's wife.

The second thing that bothers me about the song is that Junior "learned the game from his Uncle James." If the song is referring to the spy game, then what the hell is 007 doing? He's compromising Britain and the world's security by revealing secrets and practices to a snot-nose kid. But if it's the game of love, then what is "Uncle" 007 doing and what makes Junior qualified to save the world?

Then there's S.C.U.M. (Saboteurs and Criminals United in Mayhem). Good job coming up with an acronym that both describes what you do and why nobody should trust your organization. I know toy execs are in love with acronyms, but don't treat kids like idiots. It's not like actual bad companies like Enron have stupid acronym names like E.V.I.L. (Evil Vicious Incontinent Lawyers). Even kids start to wonder why the bad guys picked such a poor name.

If all this could be gleaned from the opening theme alone, then just consider the number of issues there were in the TV show. I'm not even going to bother covering how everyone in the show is a descendant from someone in the movies, excepting the baddies, most of whom are the actually baddies from the movies even though most of them are dead. I won't even cover how super spy 007 has trouble dispatching each of these guys, yet Junior is able to outwit the lot of them. So I ask why, James Bond Jr.? Whhhy?!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Excellent Job Opportunity - Room For Growth - (Broca Beach)

With the job marketing still slowly recovering, it got me thinking about evil organizations. They always need people. Criminal organizations thrive on vast networks of people. Think about it. They even need entry-level thugs, and thugs seldom have the schooling or credentials to get hired elsewhere. It's not like a thug can drag three bloody people with him to HR and say, "here are my credentials." I guess the hiring must be all recommendation-based for those places. But I know of one secret terrorist international organization that is constantly hiring, with a number of positions for people of all backgrounds. They offer full benefits, a 401(k), gym memberships, weapons training, company housing, and have their own city and their own personal island headquarters. Yes, I'm talking about Cobra. With a slogan like "a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world," how could you not like them?
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CobraWantsYou
Cobra was founded by Cobra Commander in the mid-1970s. Working his way up from a lowly used-car salesman, Cobra Commander originally started his organization as an anti-establishment Ponzi scheme, but through his shear charisma and natural business acumen he was able to build a large following. He chose the town of Springfield (not to be confused with the Simpsons' Springfield) as his business headquarters, revitalizing the economically stagnant community. From there, he grew his paramilitary group and further extended his network to topple small and unstable third-world countries.

With such rapid growth, Cobra Commander thought it fitting to restructure, appointing associates such as Baroness Anastasia DeCobray and Military Armament Research Syndicate (M.A.R.S.) CEO James M. Cullen Destro XXIV to key positions within Cobra High Command.

When Springfield was destroyed, Cobra relocated to Broca Beach. Cobra also maintains headquarters in New York (Cobra Consulate), Eastern Europe (Cobra Citadel), and on Cobra Island (defunct as of 2004).

Cobra has expanded operations into a number of fields, listing companies such as Naja Trading Corp, Carbo Plumbing, Robca Realty, Broca Bros. Carnival, Orbac, Extensive Enterprises, and Arbco (AKA ARBco Regional), which manages Arbco Furniture Company, Arbco Moving & Storage, and Arbco Bros. Circus. With a network spanning the globe, Cobra seems poised to take over the world.
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Sounds like a pretty awesome place to work. And aside from the jobs running all of their corporate fronts and legitimate business ventures, they need people from all walks of life. Did you know that Cobra has constant job openings for their Viper Corps? Think you don't qualify? Majored in electronic communications? Tele-Viper. Like snowboarding? Snow Serpent. Garbage man? Toxo-Viper. Deep-sea diving? Cobra Eel. They even hire MBAs for their Crimson Guard program. They can find a position for you no matter what you do or what you're into. Don't believe me? Here are some success stories:

Dr. Mindbender
drmindbenderDr. Mindbender was originally an orthodontist with an interest in genetics, cloning, and cybernetics. Cobra was able to find a perfect position for him, and some of his career highlights include designing the Cobra B.A.T.s and cloning Serpentor, who at one point led a hostile takeover of Cobra. He eventually departed Cobra due to forced early retirement in 1990. He was later cloned using his own processes before being again forced into early retirement.

Croc Master
crocmasterThe entrepreneurial Croc Master was a burglar alarm salesman and retired alligator wrestler who founded Guard Gators, Inc., a company pioneering the use of alligators for home security. Cobra hired him and he was responsible for renovating the security of Cobra Island. The massive undertaking required the construction of numerous canals and the training of hundreds of crocodiles which Croc Master successfully carried out. Retired in 1990.

Crystal Ball
crystalballCrystal Ball was a struggling hypnotist, until he applied to Cobra and found himself in their employ. Using his unique set of skills, he was eventually promoted to lead interrogator. Unfortunately he passed away in an earthquake in the Himalayas, but his innovations were carried on by his replacement, appropriately named Interrogator.



Raptor
rapterRaptor was a tax consultant whose hobby was falconry. A chance encounter with Destro led to Cobra taking Raptor's hobby and turning it into a career of breeding bigger and stronger birds. He was forced to retire along with Dr. Mindbender for several corporate infractions.





Zartan
zartonZartan is perhaps the greatest Cobra success story. He was a military veteran and aspiring actor who found himself going nowhere. Cobra Commander contacted him for a freelance job the success of which led to further work from Cobra. He eventually assumed the leadership role for a biker gang, the Dreadnoks, which he subsequently relocated from Australia to Florida. Cobra contracted much of their work to the Dreadnoks, managed by Zartan and his siblings, Zarana and Zander. Much of Cobra's success has been as a result of the partnership formed early on between Cobra Commander and Zartan. When Cobra Commander was ousted by Serpentor as head of Cobra, it was Zartan that negotiated Serpentor out of the position paving the way for Cobra Commander's return.


I won't lie and say there aren't a few drawbacks to working with Cobra. The work can be intense, with the likelihood of permanent early retirement quite high, but it can also be rewarding. So if you are in need of a job, look no further than Cobra. With numerous openings, excellent perks, and great opportunities for job growth, Cobra should be high on your list of employers. After all, the world isn't going to rule itself.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The Pitch - Police Academy Babies

During the '80s and early '90s there was no shortage of animated spin-offs to live-action movies. Beetlejuice, Ghostbusters, Little Shop of Horrors, Rambo, Robocop, Teen Wolf, and The Toxic Avenger were a few of the many films that were questionably spun-off into animated programs targeting children. None of these were particularly successful, and most certainly none of these surpassed the original films on which they were based. In most cases, the original films were aimed at mature audiences and contained content not suitable for children, and often times it was that content that gave films like Rambo and Robocop their edge. So when translated into animated form, much of the essence of these films was clearly lost. Police Academy: The Animated Series was another such show that failed to gain an audience.

With all of the movie series' characters present, including Carey Mahoney who would not appear in subsequent films in the series, it seemed like a surefire hit. After all the movies themselves were little more than live-action cartoon comedies appealing to adolescents. The problem with Police Academy as with all those other films was the same: not enough differentiation toward the extreme. These series were all watered down versions of the original. Aside from being animated, they offered no novelty. But not all animated spin-offs fared poorly. One show that garnered a little more success while carving out a new audience for itself was Jim Henson's Muppet Babies.

Jim Henson's Muppet Babies took the lovable characters from The Muppet Show, and transplanted them, as babies, into a children's nursery. The characters, for the most part, retained their personalities, but they now had to navigate the world of children through their imagination. The idea was a creative breakthrough, as the animated format allowed the Muppet babies to have adventures they couldn't otherwise have had in the live-action world. By presenting the Muppets as babies, producers of the show were able to push hard for the youth demographic which was receptive to the show. Others shows attempted similar schemes, like The Flintstone Kids and A Pup Named Scooby Doo, but they didn't push it as far as Muppet Babies did to really differentiate themselves as their own properties apart from their parental sources.

So Muppet Babies succeeded where so many others failed. But second chances are still possible, and with the current news of a Police Academy reboot, perhaps it's time to rethink this animated spin-off approach with Muppet Babies in mind. Police Academy: The Animated Series might not have been a bad idea, but Police Academy Babies would have been a laugh riot. Just like Muppet Babies, transplant all of the characters from Police Academy into a nursery as babies, remove the nanny, and sit back as they maintain order amongst the rest of the unruly babies. They would retain most of their characteristic idiosyncrasies, such as Moses Hightower's superhuman strength, Larvell Jones gift of mimicry, and Eugene Tackleberry's gung-ho nature.

Typical crimes could include missing baby food. Laverne Hooks could drive her police cruiser Big Wheels recklessly as she followed a suspect on his tricycle. Then, with the thief hiding inside a playhouse, Hightower could show up to lift the house up singlehandedly thus exposing the culprit. Of course Captain Harris and Proctor would be up to their old habits of trying to undermine Commandant Lassard and obtain his position. The action and storylines would be absurd, which would not only follow in the spirit of the films, but could also make the animated show memorable in its own right. Or push the show beyond the nursery into a world filled with baby citizens. The adventures wouldn't have to stop there, as the next step would be Police Academy Babies in Space. The possibilities are limitless.

This formula need not apply only to Police Academy, but can be applied to virtually any other film out there. Baby Rambo. Baby Robocop. Baby Total Recall. Baby Men in Black. The titles alone conjure up images and the rest just writes itself. The series don't even have to have original storylines, they can just copy the films with all of the characters replaced by baby versions. So, Hollywood, if you plan on spinning off any animated kid shows in the near future, you might want to consider baby-fying them. After all, it did work for the Muppets.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Whhhy? - Transformers Action Masters

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The Transformers toyline was one of the best things to come out of the '80s. Transformers were like action figures and Hot Wheels rolled into one. The ability to convert from one form to another gave them far deeper playability, and made them fairly unique in the toy world. So how did Hasbro carry the franchise into the next decade? They made it so they couldn't transform.

Wha---?

That's right, the Action Masters line of Transformers introduced in 1990 saw many of the familiar Autobots and Decepticons molded into 3 3/4" figures incapable of transforming. Hell, they could barely move. Imagine an even chunkier G.I. Joe with robot features minus 7 out of the 14 moving joints. But how does that still make them Transformers you say? Because even though they had lost the ability to transform (according to the commercial, "exchanged" for increased ability), they could still make little shit that transformed.
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For example, Grimlock came with a tank tread Segway that transformed into ... a gun. And Jazz came with a skateboard that transformed into ... a gun. And Devastator (who was also only 3 3/4" tall) came with a scorpion that transformed into ... a gun. Wait a minute, this reminds me of another Transformers toyline: Targetmasters, where robot sidekicks transformed into guns. But wait, even in the Targetmasters line the main figure could transform from a robot to a vehicle and back. I could keep on going down the line: Snarl and his little dinosaur buddy (so even though he can't transform into a dinosaur anymore, they can make an even smaller dinosaur that can still transform ... into a gun?), Blaster and his glider pack, Shockwave and his pet thing, Soundwave and his bird thing (not Buzzsaw or Laserbeak), Sideswipe and his tank tread thing, Tracks and his tank tread thing, Bombshell and his backpack thing, Bumblebee and his backpack thing ... the list goes on. And I'll bet you can't guess what their shit turns into. Okay, I lied, I know that you know exactly what they'll transform into.

On top of that, they somehow made vehicles that transformed into more powerful vehicles that they could ride in. Because, you know, you just can't roll in your super tank 24/7 cuz that shit's just too strong for the rest of the world yo, so you just drop the level and roll in the normal tank like you need to tone that shit down, know what I'm sayin'? Because why would Starscream want to be able to transform into an F-15 Eagle when he could be stuck as a robot piloting his own jet? Transform into a jet ... fit into a jet. Tough decision.

So in what couldn't have been a smarter idea in a toyline whose very name indicates their unique functionality, I ask, why Transformers Action Masters? Whhhy?!


Thursday, February 11, 2010

Whhhy? - Tamagoras

Continuing the trend of questionable transforming toys my parents got me and my brother were these strange toys which I recently learned were called Tamagoras, made by Bandai. Mattel eventually brought them over to the US as Meteorbs, and included them as He-Man and She-Ra's buddies along with the rest of the Masters of the Universe characters.

I had Wani (Crocobite in the US), and my brother had Gorira (Gore-illa in the US). Wani was a red crocodile that turned into ... a red egg. He shouldn't be confused with my brother's Gorira which turned into ... a grey egg. Yes, Tamagoras were animals that transformed into eggs. At least that's better than a rock, right? In the American Meteorbs line, they appeared as characters in the Masters of the Universe comic books, more or less as pets.

Here is a picture of Gorira as a gorilla:
Gorilla
And now as an egg:
Egg

What's worse was that Gorira was a pain in the ass to fit into his egg. At least Wani folded up pretty neatly. And even more amazingly, Tamagoras is making somewhat of a comeback in Japan, as new Tamagoras were released in November of 2008.

So I ask, why, Tamagoras? Whhhy?!

Monday, February 1, 2010

A look back at the original SNL

It's strange. I've recently finished watching the first five years of Saturday Night Live and have taken the time to reflect on my experience with the show as well as that of my parents. My acquaintance with SNL has spanned about 18 years, and I am now roughly at the age my parents were when the show first premiered and when they became fans. So it is strange to me to compare my feelings about SNL during it's formative years with those of my parents way back when.

My SNL experience probably began around 1992. For me, I largely associate SNL with that year's outstanding cast that consisted of Ellen Cleghorne, Chris Farley, Phil Hartman, Melanie Hutsell, Michael McKean, Tim Meadows, Mike Myers, Kevin Nealon, Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, David Spade, Julia Sweeney, Al Franken, Norm MacDonald, Jay Mohr, and Sarah Silverman. And while it's become passe to say that SNL is stale, or no longer edgy with each passing year, I'd like to believe that this group was a high point in the history of SNL. There are arguably bigger stars from earlier iterations, but there were few lineups that featured as strong an ensemble, as they created memorable characters and sketches together. Although we mourned the losses of the talented Chris Farley and Phil Hartman, most of the rest of these actors are still steadily at work today, with at least two of them, Myers and Sandler, transformed into bona fide movie stars. So how does that compare with the original cast?

Dan Akroyd, John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, Laraine Newman, and Gilda Radner. Bill Murray would later join the cast following Chase's departure, with Michael O'Donoghue, Tom Davis, Al Franken, Don Novello, and Paul Shaffer featured more and more up through 1980. That was a lot of talent to contain on one stage, but back in 1975, they were just kids, the Not Ready For Primetime Players. It took the show a while to find its rhythm. The format of the first episode hosted by George Carlin was nothing like the show today. Or even like the shows a few weeks away. Heck, even the title of the show was different, being originally named "NBC's Saturday Night" as Howard Cosell's ABC program held the rights to the eventual title. Carlin only performed stand up in several bits and wasn't featured in any of the sketches. Two musical guests, Billy Preston and Janis Ian, each performed two pieces. And two comedians, Andy Kaufman and Valri Bromfield, had featured acts.

The early shows more resembled the variety shows of the time than they do today's sketch driven show. But the group that Lorne Michaels assembled was talented, and it was hard to deny that. So as the show continued, the focus shifted more toward the Not Ready For Primetime Players and their skits. Where once sketches were constructed around the host with the SNL cast supporting him or her, the sketches started focusing on the Not Ready For Primetime Players with the hosts playing support. Certain characters and sketches became recurring favorites, and stars were made.

Watching it fresh, not all of the sketches are comedy classics. But what was evident from watching an early SNL episode, and what is lacking from the show nowadays, was that electric energy in the air. This show was doing something new and innovative, and it was damn funny, too. First season episodes frequently had airtime to kill with the hosts asked to fill time, but that added to the sense of newness and spontaneity. Now most SNL episodes run like clockwork with fewer genuine moments. A lot of people give Jimmy Fallon flak for not having been able to keep a straight face in sketches, but he was having fun and enjoying the moment. It seems almost absurd to dislike someone, even an actor in the sketch, for laughing at something that's supposed to be funny.

A lot of early sketches had content which could be deemed questionable today, such as one that featured Chevy Chase slowly rolling a joint, pulling up his sleeve and tying a rubber tube around his arm, before attempting to shove the unlit joint into his vein. Don Pardo (Yup, he was there from the beginning) delivers the killer punchline, "Why do you think they call it dope?" Having grown up in the age of cultural sensitivity and political correctness, we're so concerned about how others might feel that there's a lot of fun lost. I think that Belushi's samurai Futaba was a wonderful homage to chanbara (samurai) characters, as his portrayal, while comical, was far less parody than it was a strange appreciation for the stoicism of Japanese samurai.

When I asked my mom and dad separately about SNL, they both smiled. My father, a Japanese immigrant, was living and working in New York when the show debuted. He introduced SNL to my mother some years later when he moved to L.A. and courted her. My father still remembers that first cast, and laughed when he thought about the Coneheads. My mother was particularly tickled by Todd diLamuca and Lisa Loopner, the Nerds. Just saying, "That was so funny I forgot to laugh," causes her to giggle hysterically.

I came into the picture a little after the original SNL finished up its run in 1980. Another 12 years after that I picked up where my parents left off watching the show. I recalled later how my father had a fondness for movies starring some of the original cast members, a fondness which he passed on to me. My mother, too, was also the one who introduced me to National Lampoon's Animal House when I was very young. My parents still watch the show now, irregularly, but somehow I doubt that it holds the same amusement and place in their hearts as those first five years did. And I suppose I could say the same about myself and when I first starting watching Operaman, and Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, and Simon who likes to do drawings.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Whhhy? - Rock Lords

My dad used to go to Japan a lot so he brought back a lot of transforming robots. Most of these were Transformers, but occasionally I'd get GoBots, and on two occasions, Rock Lords. Try to imagine a robot...
rocklord1 copy
that transforms into...
rocklord2 copy
a rock--that's Rock Lords.

Rock Lords were a spin-off from Tonka's GoBots toyline. They were not successful but were still produced for three seasons in the mid 1980s before finally bowing out. I should also mention that the catchiest tagline Tonka could come up with was "Powerful living rocks!"

Gee, I wonder why they weren't popular? Could it be because they transformed into friggin' rocks?! Rock Lords also came with weapons, like guns and axes (which were only usable in their robot forms). For years I found loose Transformers guns that looked like crap. Now I realize they looked like crap because they were actually from Rock Lords.

The two Rock Lords pictured were from my own collection. Boulder (grey one) was the leader of the good Rock Lords and was made of Tungsten. Sunstone (amber one) was from the Jewel Lords line, and he was made of amber. But none of this matters because these toys were dumb. Even Transformers Action Masters, the Transformers line where the Transformers didn't transform but their weapons and vehicles did was better than this. Even "Big"'s transforming building was better than Rock Lords. And it's head wouldn't even stay up!

So I ask, why, Rock Lords? Whhhy?!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Pitch - Live-Action M.A.S.K.

So one of the reasons I started a blog is so that I can pitch ideas that I want to see happen. Some might be wondering, "Why don't you make these happen?" Well, because they're pretty stupid (I keep the good ones to myself). Besides, if I send out my ideas into the ether that is the internet and some other schmuck goes and makes them happen, then wasn't I really the one responsible for making them happen because it was my idea and I put it out there in the first place?
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Some of my friends say it can't be done. Some say we're not technologically advanced enough to shoot it, or that it's simply unshootable on a budget, or that there's zero interest in the property. But I don't believe that, and neither should you. In my lifetime, there could be, should be, needs to be a live-action M.A.S.K. movie. I'm not talking about that movie with Eric Stoltz where he has the genetic defect that causes his facial bones to grow imprisoning him in a figurative and literal mask. I'm talking about M.A.S.K., Mobile Armored Strike Kommand. Dudes wearing masks. With powers. And vehicles that transform. Into other vehicles.

M.A.S.K. was a watershed animated children's program and toyline in the mid-1980s. It combined elements of the highly popular G.I. Joe and Transformers franchises. The program's storyline followed an anti-criminal organization, M.A.S.K., as they crossed paths with an evil organization, V.E.N.O.M. (Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem).

The main draw of the series were their transforming vehicles and power bestowing masks. Vehicles and headquarters could generally assume both a normal form, and an enhanced combat form. For instance, the Gator was an orange Jeep 4x4 that had the ability to deploy a hydroplane, and the Switchblade was a helicopter that could transform into a jet. Furthermore, every vehicle was accompanied by a figure who in turn came with a unique mask that granted him or her various abilities, such as Dusty Hayes(packaged with the aforementioned Gator) whose Backlash mask "pretend[ed] to cause sonic waves." Another character, Cliff Dagger, came with a mask that "pretend[ed] to be a flame thrower." The toyline proved to be popular, although the program was short-lived, only lasting 75 episodes over two seasons.

So naturally, following the success of the live-action Transformers and G.I. Joe films, Hollywood would be jumping on the M.A.S.K. bandwagon, right? Wrong. As far as I know, there are no scripts in development. No buzz about whose going to play Matt Trakker. Nada. So what's the problem? Let's break it down.

Not technologically advanced enough
Now this clearly isn't the problem. Michael Bay has demonstrated that there's nothing you can't do with CG given the budget and the time that when loaded with explosions and devoid of logic won't be a bonafide blockbuster. And James Cameron has pushed the envelope even further, creating whole computer generated worlds in 3-D no less. So it would appear that technology is not the culprit preventing me from seeing people wearing masks pretending to cause sonic waves and pretending to shoot flames at each other.

Unshootable on a budget
Perhaps this one is debatable, and also goes hand in hand with argument three. Again referring to Michael Bay's Transformers and Stephen Sommers' G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, we see a conservative approach used to deliver a movie under budget that still manages to wow the audience. By carefully choosing to depict a smaller amount of the popular core characters, and cost-effective hiring of young-not-yet-star actors, both Sommers and Bay were able to free up a larger percentage of their budget for special effects. M.A.S.K. could easily copy this formula, choosing to stick with the main core characters from the first wave of toys while holding off on the new second wave characters until the possible sequel. (I don't think Jacques LaFleur would be missed.)

There's zero interest in the property
Now this clearly is not true. I'm interested in the property. At least one other fan whose site I referenced to write this article is interested in the property. So there are people out there who have their eye on the situation waiting to see what happens. And as Field of Dreams said, "If you build it, they will come." So why then hasn't Hollywood struck while the '80s toyline revival iron is hot?

M.A.S.K.'s second season and the French
Okay. I'll admit it. The second season of M.A.S.K. was a dumb idea. In the second season, the show venue moved to the automobile race track. The same characters were there. Both factions remained present. Only now everything was racing themed, so as to coincide with the release of the third wave of toys which were all racing themed. Did any of this make sense? No, and perhaps that is a reason why Hollywood is reluctant to produce a feature length movie.

Then there's also DIC Entertainment, the French-American company that produced the show, and let's face it--Americans don't like the French. So there's a love-hate relationship with this Franco-American lovechild, and nobody wants to argue with the French for custody. So there you have the most compelling reason why an intellectually bankrupt Hollywood hasn't come sniffing around M.A.S.K.'s rear end for a chance at a most likely blockbuster hit. But if there are any Hollywood executives out there reading this, you should jump on this now. I'm telling you it's a done deal. You've got at least two tickets sold by the second week of opening, that's like -$0.46 after cost, so as long the budget is at least under -$0.46, you'll cut a profit. Heck, if it's really bad, I may just see it twice, and bring my friends along for the wreck. As long as it doesn't actually involve any of season two's car wrecks.